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Don't Confuse the Audience
by Cooper
August 18, 2004
Reading theories written by Harry Potter fans is always an interesting experience. I have found a theory that Hermione was under the Imperius Curse for much of Book 5. This ingenious theory is based on the fact that the adjectives "vague" and "absentmindedly" were used on pages 458, 460, 657, 574, and 656. Oh, and let's not forget the fact that Hermione has been daydreaming. Shame on you, Hermione - fifteen year old girls oughtn't daydream like that.
Folks, this is the kind of logic that sends people packing into their fuel-efficient vehicles to see the latest Michael Moore film. Often those of us who frequent these theory-spewing websites forget that we are a very small minority of Harry Potter fans - most of her fan base has only read "Order of the Phoenix" once. I've read it several times, and never once did I notice or care about a daydream or an adjective.
When JK Rowling makes a surprise happen, she makes everyone's brain go "click, click," because it is so dramatic and so amazingly well thought out. It seems unlikely (to me at least) that she would reveal that Hermione was under a curse, noting several daydreams and adjectives from a book that most fans haven't read in two years.
A couple other theories that I had a good laugh about: somehow or other, Harry Potter is involved in the mystical body of a three-headed snake (I imagine that either a Zelda fan spent too long looking for the Triforce, or a devout Roman Catholic needs help with the Mystery of the Holy Trinity); and that Harry has two souls, and Voldemort's soul is just bobbing around in Harry's intestines, waiting until he sees Dumbledore to come up and kick out Harry's soul. The second theory is, for some strange reason, called the Changeling Theory. Now then. JK Rowling's daughter is like ... eleven or something. I would be very impressed indeed if an eleven year-old, let alone some her adult readers could remain unconfused upon learning that Harry is really just the head of a magic snake that hasn't even made its way into the series yet.
Oh, and by the way, Luna Lovegood is the other head - the Dreamer, once again based on an adjective - and Voldemort and Dumbledore end up on the snake too. Maybe Dobby is the tail.
I also can't picture anyone saying, "Of course! Why couldn't I grasp the abstract theory that Harry has two souls? I think Barty Crouch Jr.'s soul is in a dementor's tummy." Perhaps the Heimlich maneuver could be of assistance here?
Meanwhile, Remus Lupin is actually James Potter, Ron is actually Dumbledore, and Godric Gryffindor is indeed Fawkes.
Of course, James Potter is dead according to JKR, but what does she know? Didn't she see how Remus talked about Lily in the Prisoner of Azkaban movie? Forgive me for trusting Ms. Rowling.
Meanwhile, somehow Dumbledore and Ron have been seen numerous times together, but that's nothing a time turner can't fix. Dumbledon also probably should refrain from dating Hermione, because that is just plain gross. Godric Gryffindor, despite all odds, has lived to be several centuries old ... all of this, while living in a birdcage!
Compelling adverbs, a Mystical Mutant-Snake, Esophagus souls, Dumbledon, Jupin, or Godric Gryffinfeathers ... please remember not to confuse the audience.
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