Tony Goldmark- HP Medley  
You don't think that Harry Potter fans can get weirder...until they do. (Thanks, Kat!)

Host: This is Alvira, and you’re listening to the Doctor Demento Show!
Someone Else: The Harry Potter books have inspired some wonderful new songs in the past few years, here’s the latest- Tony Goldmark

Tony Goldmark: Oh my Lord, Crabbe, Goyle, look at that Potter- he thinks he’s so great just because the Dark Lord gave him a cut on his head twelve years ago…but, you know. Who deserves to understand the Dark Lord anyway? He only talked to Potter through that book because he wanted to take care of unfinished business, okay?

I mean, Potter's friends are just so revolting. I can’t believe he hangs out with that Mudblood girl and that Weasley. And his hair, it’s so…black

It’s my third year and I cannot lie,
You other wizards can’t deny,  
After I broke through from the Durlsey’s barge,  
Having blown up my Aunt Marge,  
I escaped.

With my hair all amuck got aboard the old Knight Bus,
It’s speed is so exciting, You’d think Keanu was driving
The minister said no problem
In the Leaky Cauldron

But I thought that I’d be finished
Faster than you could say Quidditch
Diagon Alley with Ron and Hermione
That book of monsters
Bite my hand off it wants to

Crookshanks is after
Ron’s pet rat Scabbers
That cat, that rat
In a Tom and Jerry spat

I heard some dreadful news
There’s a madman on the loose
He killed twelves Muggles with just one spell
And now he’s mad as hell

Tony: So Ron
Ron: Yeah?
Tony: Ron
Ron: Yeah?
Tony: Who’s the world’s most wanted man?
Ron: Dunno
Tony: That prisoner
Ron: Prisoner?
Tony: Prisoner
Ron: Prisoner?!
Tony: Who escaped from Azkaban, Sirius Black

PoA Theme Song:
Double, Double Toil and trouble,
Eye of burning cauldorn bubble,
Double, Double Toil and trouble,
Something wicked this way comes!

Tony: Sirius Black

Double, Double Toil and trouble,
Eye of burning cauldorn bubble,
Double, Double Toil and trouble,
Something Wicked this way comes!

Tony: Dementor’s on
The train
Drives me insane
I just can’t help myself,
I’m cold and I'm painted
My brain is fainted

With memories of (ahhh) Voldemort, (ahhhh!)
I ain’t talkin about Malfoy, his dad’s just one of Voldie’s toys
Professor Trelawney’s a Seer
But if you ask me, her lessons
Are just a bunch of guessin'
She tells me I’ll die any second

So I’m in class with Remus
Boggart’s gone with Riddiculous
If I study bonus, I’ll produce a full Patronus

They took away the broom I got for Christmas
Wanna check it for hexes
Can’t even go to Hogsmeade
Unless I got the Marauder’s Map

Malfoy’s full of crap
And I wanna go after Black
They say he’ll kill at will, but I’d rather find the guy
'Cuz he’s bad, and he’s mad
He betrayed my mum and dad

Tony: So Hermione
Hermione: What?
Tony: Hermione
Hermione: What?
Tony: I’d rather find him than have him find me
Hermione: Harry!
Tony: He’s one bad Muggle
Hermione: Shut your mouth!
Tony: Even Malfoy’s got to shout!
Malfoy: Sirius Black. You know Potter, when it comes to the Dark Arts, that Sirius guy’s got nothing on my extended family

Tony: Shut up, Malfoy, this is my rap
Malfoy: Scared, Potter?
Tony: You wish
Malfoy: C’mon, give up the mike
Tony: I said no!
Malfoy: Professor, Potter’s not letting me represent for the dark side!
Professor Snape: Potter, let Malfoy kick it old school or it’s detention
Malfoy: I’ve got a weak arm, you know
Tony: Alright fine, here it is

Malfoy: This one’s for all the Slytherins..Wiatch
So you think you can catch __?___?____?___?____?_
Or say my acting’s (happening?)
But if you want me to care, then understand me
My pureblood family don’t want bloods unless they’re not Mudbloods!

When they intermarry with Muggles,
It just makes me sick to my gut
I bought my way into Quidditch
You can do that if your father’s rich
It’s power I desire
You don’t see me singin’ no choirs

When an animal bites my arm
I can do it far more harm
‘Cuz my dad can claim that it maimed the students
And the execute it!

Some wizards wanna go to Gryffindor,
But me, I want a little bit more
Then this small, meek, and measley,
Like the bottom feeders Weasley

They love non-magic folk
Is it any wonder they’re broke?
Then this Sirius guy comes kickin’
And I understand if you’re chicken

But Potter if it were me
I'd want revenge, you see
I curse his **** and send him back into the Shrieking Shack

PoA Theme Song:
Double, double toil and trouble,
Eye of burning cauldron bubble,
Double, double toil and trouble,
Eye of burning cauldron bubble,

Double, double toil and trouble,
Eye of burning cauldron bubble,
Double, double toil and trouble,
Eye of burning cauldron...Something wicked this way comes!

Something Wicked this way comes!
Something Wicked this way comes!
Something Wicked this way comes!

Daniel Radcliffe: Why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?

With my hair all amuck got aboard the old Knight Bus,
It’s speed is so exciting, You’d think Keanu was driving
The minister said no problem
In the Leaky Cauldron