Louise
Dec 12 2004, 10:46 AM
Okay, guys, as discussed, here it is....the official competition to elect a fanfic critical review 'panel'. I guess it's best to have two or three people in total. What we're looking for is someone with excellent grammar, spelling and punctuation skills (typos notwithstanding - none of us are immune to those..
) who would be willing to read the new fics (and maybe the old ones, if they have time) and do a critical review.
Critical does not mean pulling it apart or flaming - it means constructive criticism for those who want it in an effort to improve the quality and therefore readability of the fics here. It's also a pretty good life-skill to have anyway, so we might all learn something along the way too...
So, what we'll do is this....
1. I'm going to post a passage taken from 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' by Lewis Carroll that I have jiggled around with a little to mess up the punctuation and spelling. It's not obvious spelling mistakes, so don't go cutting and pasting to a spellchecker because it won't pick them up....coz I'm mean like that...
What we'd like you to do is go through it, editing it and correcting the mistakes.
PLEASE DO NOT POST THE CORRECTIONS HERE.
ANY CORRECTIONS POSTED HERE WILL BE DELETED AS SOON AS A MOD SEES IT. CORRECTIONS ARE TO BE PM'D TO ME AND I WILL DISCUSS THEM WITH THE OTHER MODS. OKAY?2. What we'd then like you to do is to choose any fanfic you like...it can be on this site or any other site......and do a small paragraph review on it. Nothing huge, just a short paragraph, showing us that you can review in a constructive and, most importantly, nice manner. Please look for spelling, grammar etc as well as looking at the plot lines.
ONLY THOSE REVIEWS ARE TO BE POSTED HERE IN THIS THREAD.Please cite the fanfic you're reviewing, the author's name and the site where it's listed.
We'll let the competition run for the next three weeks - it'll close on Sunday, 2nd January (to allow for the timezones, that'll mean Monday, GMT).
Good luck, and may the best person win!!!
********************************************************
There seemed too be no use in waiting by the little door so she went back too the table half hoping she mite find another key on it or at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes this time she found a little bottle on it (witch was certainly not hear before said alice) and tyed round the neck of the bottle was a paper label with the words drink me beautifully printed on it in large letters.
it was all very well to say drink me but the wise little alice was not going too do that in a hurry. no i'll look first she said and sea weather its marked poison or not for she had read several nice little storeys about children who had got burnt and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things all because they would not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them such as that a read hot poker will burn you if you hold it to long and that if you cut your finger vary deeply with a knife it usually bleeds and she had never forgotten that if you drink much from a bottle marked poison it is almost certain too disagree with you sooner or later.
However this bottle was not marked poison so alice ventured to taste it and finding it very nice (it had in fact a sort of mixed flavor of cherry tart pineapple roast turkey toffy and hot buttered toast) she very soon finished it off.
(I hope that Mr Carroll's family don't mind me taking liberties with an impeccably written and quite brilliant book, but it is in the interests of bettering grammatical skills so I do hope I'll be forgiven...
)
Louise
Dec 18 2004, 07:25 PM
Yeah, alright, I shouldn't be double posting....
But it's my own fault, I hold my hand up to it....I didn't pin this and I should have. So sue me, I'm human.....
So, any more entries anyone has to offer?
(The explanations have been pinned to the top of this forum - it's the topic that's been closed)
Allie
Dec 23 2004, 11:19 PM
It looks like I'll be the first one to enter the competition... I sent you a PM with my corrections to that excerpt last week, I think, Dana, and I hope that you received it.
I'm going to review Esrb99's story "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince." I've been reading it for some time at this point, and it is among my favorite fanfics on Veritaserum. Since the story is very long and you requested a brief review, I'm only going to post my comments about one chapter on this thread. You can see what I've had to say about the other chapters on the main story thread if you would like, and I also review a number of other fanfics with some consistency as well... most of them are in my signature.
So here is my sample review:
CHAPTER FOUR - GRYFFINDOR'S HEIR
Overall, this was my favorite chapter of your story so far. (I'll get into reasons why in a moment.)
I see that you have edited out some of the language from the version on FF.net, and although I know that most sixteen-year-olds swear a lot, I have never really pictured Harry and his friends cursing each other (well... aside from the Petrificus totalis-type curses and such...). Anyway, I was pleased with those edits, even though they cause Harry's character to deviate slightly from the stereotypical teenager's.
I liked Harry's little interchange in the beginning of the chapter. I think that it shows the strength of Harry and Ron's relationship, in an ironic sort of way... He is willing to shame Hermione into apologizing because he feels so bad for Ron. If it were me, I probably wouldn't have taken sides at all, even though like Harry I would have known that Hermione was acting very silly. Some of the details (e.g. the fact that Ron tried to commit suicide in the Department of Mysteries) make the story a tad melodramatic.... reminds me a bit of Romeo and Juliet a bit, if you know Shakespeare... I'm still hoping that Ron will settle down and come to himself a bit within the next couple of chapters -- less of the "desperate teen"-type behavior -- and I trust that he will, since you have said he would come to his senses and mature soon enough.
I like the point-of-view changes in this chapter. I don't really identify with Ron and Hermione's whole - um - interchange in the next few paragraphs, myself, but I'm thinking that it was an important moment for poor Ron. He's always been overshadowed by Harry and his brothers... it would have been quite a blow to him if Hermione said that she actually liked someone else, wouldn't it? Although I personally think that J.K. Rowling has been alluding to a relationship between Ron and Hermione for quite some time now... I'm convinced that things will work out happily for them in J.K. Rowling's version of Book Six as well.
On to the next segment.... First, I would just like to tell you that I absolutely love the line "playing cupid for those two really works up an appetite" -- very funny line, and I also think it truly conveys Harry's perception of his own role in Ron and Hermione's relationship. I believe I'm right in thinking that this scene (in conjunction with others) alludes to a relationship between Harry and Ginny? I also would like to add that I wholeheartedly support the idea of Ron as Quidditch captain.... another chance for him to "prove" himself by "beating" Harry at something. Ron needs a couple of good ego boosts in Book Six, I think.
In the next couple of sections, I find it very funny the way Ron and Hermione actually think they're going to keep Harry and Ginny from finding out about their relationship by talking about "spew" -- especially since Harry feels that he has been "playing cupid" for his friends for quite some time. I also think it's amusing how easily Ron and Hermione can get each other's tempers up, even if they are now a couple, and how easily Harry and Ginny get them to confess that something is up. I like Mrs. Weasley's reaction to their relationship very much... but simultaneously, I start to wonder about why Ron and Hermione's little thing is moving so fast. I'm not sure if it's typical for teenagers to rush into a relationship this quickly (?). I also figured that when Ron and Hermione actually did get together, it would be a little more awkward than this... after all, they have been friends for five years and they are living in the same house as Harry and Ron's entire family right now. Hmm....
I think the private Quidditch pictch is a cool idea, even though I highly doubt that there really is a stadium somewhere underneath Grimmauld Place. It's a good addition to the story, I think, mainly because I like reading about Quidditch and obviously the proximity to a pitch lends itself useful to more games. I've always wondered about how Hermione would be at Quidditch, since she seems to lack the sort of competitive instinct that Harry, Ron, Ginny, Fred, and George possess, so it's nice to see her getting up on a broom and taking a turn. Ron's doing some pretty powerful wandless magic in this scene... I seem to remember Hermione mentioning the fact that any form of human Transfiguration (with a wand) is very difficult and dangerous sometime in Book Four (I think before Harry fights the dragon), so kudos to Ron for his skills. Is your thought that Ron's passion and love for Hermione inspires the wandless magic? I've heard that people can lift cars and do all kinds of weird stuff because of adrenaline when they are faced with certain situations... could this be a similar type of instance? Or is his power derived from his new relationship with Godric Gryffindor? Hmm... not sure I quite understand... maybe I will understand when I am reading Chapter Five.
I'm not quite sure why the Weasleys decided to take Hermione to Hogwarts to be revived rather than just bringing her to St. Mungo's. I'm assuming that there was some sort of behind-the-scenes action, like some contact with Dumbledore or whatever that made them all go to Hogwarts. Good to see that Hermione has made a full recovery!
And Ron is the Half-Blood Prince..... I thought it was really cool when the words lit up on Harry's hand... "my heir, and your mentor." Now what could that mean? Is Ron supposed to train Harry to do something? I guess I'll have to read on to find out. The only thing I don't understand about this scene is that it seems that Ron and Hermione are already aware that somebody called the "Half-Blood Prince" exists. I figure that Dumbledore has already told Ron about it and that Hermione found out about it in some book she read or something.
An excellent chapter, and a good cliffhanger at the end!
Louise
Dec 24 2004, 10:04 AM
Yes, I did get the PM, Anthony!!
Very nicely done....
You could be a professional critic one day, you know! That was better than some of the film reviews I've read in published magazines!
Louise
Jan 9 2005, 05:23 PM
I know I said I'd close this on the 2nd of January, but seeing as how I've barely had time to sleep these past few weeks, I haven't had chance to get back here....
So, to be fair, I'll extend it by another week for any newbies who maybe haven't seen this thread yet and would like to enter.
This is your last chance.....
I'll give it till next Saturday....think that's the 15th isn't it?
Esrb99
Jan 18 2005, 05:59 AM
Okay, I guess I'll follow Anthony's example, but I'm gonna review a fic of LavenderBrown's called,
The Final Reckoning.
Link to chapter I reviewed
HEREDana, sorry about having this a little late, but I had to really work hard on my history day paper, which is due on thursday at the local university for judging. I've fianlly finished this, so I hope you will accept it. you do have the corrected passage I pm'ed you, a long time back, right?
Okay, first of all, this chapter is
big. Really…big.
While I just
love long chapters, (I write them myself) it’s imperative that you know when to divide them. For instance, nearly half way after the beginning, you have Ron shout, “Hermione, look out!”
That would seem like a fair place to end this chapter, leaving the reader hanging.
Now, on to the real review…
Okay, I will stress the three major keys that make your writing good, and what you could do to improve
Good:
1) Your style.
You pay close attention to detail, describing nearly every movement Harry makes during the battle, that I can just see the agony washing over his face, and the jarred look in his eyes.
| QUOTE |
| Voldemort’s scream mixed with Harry’s again as he pushed back against Harry’s onslaught, and the connection broke yet again, sending Harry sprawling to the stairs, where he caught himself painfully on his palms, scraping the flesh. He was sweating and his scar was so painful now, he knew it was only the effects of the potion and the rush of adrenaline keeping him from passing out. He groaned as he pulled himself up the stairs in an effort to put more distance between himself and Voldemort. It was only when he heard the rustling of the fabric, and the whispers behind it, that Harry realized how close he had come to the archway with the black veil. |
As I said above, I can just feel Harry’s pain, emotionally and physically, something that most fan-fic writers (and even I!) cannot achieve.
2) Your Characterization.
In this, if you read the beginning of your prequel’s (Book of Morgan LeFay) first few chapters, and this one, you will notice dramatic changes in the characters, just as in GoF to Ootp. However, for both you and JKR, if you read it all, front to back, the changes are so subtle, so gradual, that what may seem as Ooc, has become in the readers minds canon, and in character for the person.
| QUOTE |
| Draco screwed up his face in confusion, but he obeyed, and moved upwards to the daïs to fetch the unconscious Ginny. Harry, meanwhile, managed to get Ron into a reclining position and lifted up his head. |
If you look at canon Draco, and the fanon Draco at the beginning of your first fic, you will notice that the change is significant. However, your ability to “tap” into Draco’s mind and understand him so well, that it’s enthralling to the reader, and kind of makes you wonder what had pushed him to be the way he is…
3) Your Dialogue.
While many betas tell authors to refrain form using the word, “Said” too often, some writers are just the opposite. They try too hard to use words like, mumbles, or replied, thus giving the image that they are trying too hard, and making the fic seem more like dialogue than description. But you, your wring is a mixture, with: managed, said, said chokingly, replied, said, said, said, murmured…
| QUOTE |
Harry took it and spoke to Ron again. ‘One more potion, okay, mate? You have to drink this one, too.’
‘’Kay,’ said Ron weakly.
‘Malfoy, help me hold him up,’ said Harry, and he poured the contents of the second phial down Ron’s throat. Ron swallowed on his own this time, which Harry took as a hopeful sign.
‘Eugh...’ Ron muttered. ‘Disgusting.’
Harry then nodded to Draco to let go of Ron; Draco backed away, letting Ron slump against Harry.
‘His color’s coming back,’ Neville noted, passing his wand over Ron’s wound once more. ‘That’s good. Ron, how do you feel?’
‘Like I’ve been sliced up,’ said Ron. ‘Ow...what’re you doing?’
‘Trying to heal you,’ said Neville.
‘Hurts worse than getting cut...’ Ron mumbled.
‘Then maybe you shouldn’t have let yourself get cut in the first place,’ said Harry hotly, regarding Ron with a mixture of anger, frustration and heartache. He found himself gripping Ron’s large hand in his own.
‘And what,’ Ron retorted weakly, ‘I was supposed to let you end up like this?’
Harry opened his mouth to retort, but found he could not.
‘Firenze told me,’ said Ron, looking up at Harry with tired blue eyes, ‘the blood of those who...who love you is what’s going to save you. I didn’t know...what that meant until right before...the potion will help...getting him to that room will help but the sword...the blood on it...it’s chess, Harry. You have to make...a few sacrifices.’
The lump in Harry’s throat rose up again, and tears clouded his vision. |
You mix the dialogue well with the description, creating a well-structured fic.
Bad (Or what to improve upon.):
1) spacing or length?!?!
Well, you already had me “berate” the length of your chapters, which are okay, but if you intend to have the amount of words in them that you have now, you may want to change your spacing a little bit, maybe creating larger paragraphs instead of double-spacing every line or two:
| QUOTE |
‘They’re all dead, Potter!’ Voldemort screeched, and he stretched out his fingers, delving more deeply into Harry’s head.
‘Stop...’ Harry begged. The pain was too much. The potion...why wasn’t it helping him? He fought to find those happy memories, but Voldemort was the only thing he could feel. Voldemort, and pain.
And then Harry heard it. The whispering of the voices from behind the veil.
‘They can’t help you now,’ Voldemort hissed, his voice lowering as he moved up the stairs. ‘But you can be with them again.’
Harry groaned and clutched his forehead.
No. It’s a trick...
The whispers were louder now.
‘Harry...’
Harry sat upright, the pain in his scar momentarily forgotten.
‘Sirius?’
‘You hear them, don’t you, Potter?’ said Voldemort. ‘Perhaps it’s time you joined them. I’m sure they’d love to see you.’
It’s a trick!
‘Imperio!’
Harry raised his arm to block the curse, but he wasn’t quick enough; he felt the curse envelop him and suddenly everything fell away. The pain in his body and mind vanished. He was practically floating. He felt...blissful. The voices were whispering more loudly now, drawing him close.
‘That’s it, Potter,’ said Voldemort, his voice distant and almost...pleasant. ‘Go to them. They miss you.’
Harry felt his legs pull him up, felt his feet carrying him up the stairs as his eyes fixed on the veil.
‘Harry...Harry...’
‘Mum?’ Harry whispered? Surely that was his mother’s voice.
‘Son...’
‘Dad?’
They were so close. Harry moved to the archway as the veil fluttered before him. The whispers were like drumbeats in his ears.
‘Go back...’
‘Sirius?’
‘Go back...’
‘Dumbledore! I can hear you!’
‘Go on, Potter,’ said Voldemort. ‘Just a few more steps...’ |
As you can see, it seems rather stinted, where you could just condense it into paragraphs instead of these one or two line bits…
2) Long, long, long author’s notes.
Actually, now that I think about it, I really shouldn’t comment about this at all, seeing ass mine are MUCH longer, and are at the beginning! But hey, FF.net says, “NO LONG AUTHOR”S NOTES!” so, I might as well tell you, try to condense them a bit, or you’ll have the admins on you!
| QUOTE |
A/N: First things first: I apologize for the long wait in getting this chapter up. In the past two and a half weeks my only sister has gotten married and I had to cook Thanksgiving dinner for thirteen people. I have been, needless to say, extremely busy. Furthermore, this chapter is by far the most important chapter in the whole story; it is truly the culmination of everything towards which I’ve been writing, and I wasn’t about to rush things. I appreciate your patience.
Second, a huge, huge thanks to my beta team of lina and Buckbeaky. lina has been my primary beta, and Buckbeaky picked up the story for lina while she was without Internet access over the summer. Both have been a huge source of support and inspiration for me, and without them, this story wouldn’t be what it is. Special thanks, too, to lina for her brilliant suggestions for this chapter, which I have included, as well as the heroic effort she put into getting the chapter back to me in the face of almost comical Internet and e-mail issues.
Third, I realized after I wrote the final battle sequence that it bore some resemblance to a similar scenario in the film Return of the Jedi. Unconscious inspiration, I suppose, from George Lucas, but I think it works here. Voldemort is obviously not Harry’s father--if anything, I’d say Voldemort is more of an Emperor Palpatine figure, but with Anakin Skywalker’s tragic history--but as I’ve been writing this story, and in looking repeatedly at the Harry Potter canon, I came to believe in a redemptive scenario in which Voldemort’s end is an act of mercy on Harry’s part. Order of the Phoenix has that battle between Voldemort and Dumbledore, in which Dumbledore tells Voldemort that his greatest weakness is his fear of death. I felt it very important to end Voldemort’s life addressing that issue: that Voldemort finally does see what is worse than death, and that is the wasted life he’s lived, because he choose a path of hatred and fear. One of JKR’s biggest themes in the books is choices and how they shape the lives of the characters, and I felt it important to emphasize that. Beyond this, though, the parallels to Star Wars are obvious. Harry and Voldemort, like Anakin and Luke, have difficult childhoods and are very gifted. One chooses a path of darkness and the other a path of righteousness, but the good guy has to be tested and basically put through the wringer and overcome his most selfish and darkest instincts and sacrifice a hell of a lot in order to fulfill his destiny; the bad guy’s death must hold some level of tragedy for the good guy, so that we see just WHY the good guy is, in fact, the good guy: because he is merciful, because he can pity his worst enemy. Harry is, ultimately, not a hero not because he destroyed Voldemort but because he released Voldemort from the hell of his existence, as Luke does with Darth Vader. I hope I can be forgiven for tapping into George Lucas’s world a bit in this “final reckoning” of Harry and Voldemort.
Finally, this is the final push. I can’t determine how many chapters are left, but I can say with confidence that the end is definitely near. I thank everyone for sticking with this story, and for your enthusiasm and your reviews. |
as you can see, a little long-winded, could be shortened, no?
3) Use of “Translations”
I myself have not decided if I would have death eaters use ANY form of a foreign language, but your system of it seems rather… detached. Putting a number by the words, a d putting a translation to corresponding number at the bottom may work, but to me, I’d put it in ( )’s, or not tell at all, but leave readers guessing.
| QUOTE |
It was just Gregory Goyle.
'Haben Sie etwas gehört?' said Goyle. (1)
What? What the hell did he just say?
'Nein, ich habe nichts gehört,' said Nott, sounding impatient. 'Stop being so paranoid. And speak English.' (2)
Ron almost gave a start. Since when did Goyle speak another language? And what language was this? Ron was sure he hadn't heard it before.
About twelve pages to bottom…
German translations:
(1) Did you hear something?
(2) No, I heard nothing.
(Note: Goyle deliberately is using the more formal "Sie" (you) as opposed to the familiar "du"; it's meant to show his respect to Nott. There's another reason, too, but I won't say what it is, because that would be giving something away) |
I hope that this has been of some help, and I must say again, you are truly an amazing writer. I am honored to have been able to read such a terrific epic such as this. I look forward to reading more of what you have in the future, HP or not!
Your fellow FF writer,
~Esrb99~
Louise
Jan 30 2005, 05:47 PM
Just sticking my head in for a second to let y'all know that the competition is closed and the elected fanfic 'mods' are Esrb and Anthony Goldstein.
If you want a review of your fic, then please say so in your posts. Or, conversely, if you're really against the idea, then please make it quite clear that so that these guys don't waste their time...
Any questions or problems regarding fics - length, suitability of contents, that kind of thing should still be directed to myself or any of the other mods. Probably the other mods would be a good idea until I get back...which unfortunately...(or fortunately...depending on how you see it...
) isn't likely to be for a little while yet.
Thanks.
