Disclaimer: Neither The Real World nor the world of Harry Potter belong to us. We’re just borrowing them for some good, clean fun. We promise to give them back in roughly the same condition in which we borrowed them. Obviously we aren’t making money from this.

A/N: This is a collaborative effort between myself (passerby) and pepperimp. YAY! The style is script format, in the fun of MTV's Real World. We have used [bleep] in pure humorous fashion to indicate that annoying beeping the show makes when the cast-mates. . .er. . .curse. We are not trying to cover up any words with the [bleep], but have intentionally written [bleep] as its own entity. The time frame is somewhere after Goblet of Fire, but don't hold us to any people actually being dead. Ever. The story can really take place anywhere from GoF through to DH if it must. Put it where ever you happily see all the characters in your mind's eye. Obviously this is AU, and the character may occasionally comment on the movies. Because it's fun, people. Fun. Anyways, please enjoy. Leave feedback and cookies.

***

HP’s Real World: Hogsmeade

by pepperimp and passerby

EPISODE 1: IS THERE A FULL MOON TONIGHT?

(Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.)

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
”When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”


(Angle up on Draco’s scowling face.)

DRACO: You’ve got to be kidding me. This? This is where we’re staying! Is this someone’s idea of a joke? The [bleep] Shrieking Shack? (looks straight into camera) Who’s in charge here? I’m serious. Useless twits.

(Confessional)
Caption: DRACO: It’s not like we’re muggles or anything. They could have gotten us someplace in London. Someplace with actual [bleep] walls. And a roof. I’m having my father write a letter.

(Camera following HERMIONE, RON, and HARRY down the path to the Shrieking Shack)

RON: I’m not really stupid, you know.

(A few seconds silence)

RON: It’s just that I have some older brothers.

(A few more seconds of silence)

RON: And there’s a lot to live up to.

HERMIONE: But surely there’s something you’re good at.

RON: I’m good at whining. Yeah. I can whine pretty good.

HERMIONE: Well.

RON: (eyeing her suspiciously) And they give you all of my “smart lines” in the movies, you know.

HERMIONE: (Puts her arm on RON’s shoulder, he blushes) Of course they did.

HARRY: Are you two finished? Can we go inside . . . now?

(Confessional)
Caption: SNAPE: (Stares into the camera for a few seconds. Takes a swig of firewhiskey.) (From outside *TAP TAP TAP* (female voice) Sevvie? Are you almost finished in there? Hellooo? Sevvie?) (Arches one eyebrow at the camera. Drains the bottle.)

HARRY: He’s a Death Eater. There’s no way around it.

TONKS: I don’t know, Harry.

HARRY: Well, I do. He’s a Death Eater.

(SNAPE walks into the room, glares at HARRY, grabs a box of Lucky Charms from the shelf, and exits.)

HARRY: So’s he.

Caption: TONKS: Okay, so I know that he’s . . . troubled and all. But he thinks everyone is a Death Eater! Honestly. Flitwick, Fudge, Umbridge, Tom the bartender, Rosmerta, Bellatrix . . .(Offscreen: Male voice-She is a Death Eater!) Oh, right. Well, you get the point. Next he’ll be saying Filch is a Squib! (Offscreen: Male voice-He IS a Squib!) Oh, right. (TONKS winks at camera.)

Scene: Dilapidated common room. DRACO stands sulking by the door; HARRY, HERMIONE and RON share a couch tilted at an odd angle as it is missing the legs on one side; SNAPE sits in a surprisingly intact ladder back chair; LUNA reclines in a purple beanbag; TONKS levitates side-saddle on her broom.

RON: There’re three rooms upstairs.

HERMIONE: That’s two, two and three.

DRACO: I’m sharing with SEVERUS.

SNAPE: (raises an eyebrow) I. Don’t. Share.

LUNA: Space within space. We all have a place.

(All eyes in the room focus on LUNA.)

HARRY: Right. Obviously the girls have to room together. (Look of utter disappointment on RON’s face.)

HERMIONE: (Matter-of-fact) Obviously. And since there are more of us, we should have the largest room.

TONKS: (thoughtfully) Didn’t Remus live here once?

SNAPE’S eyes narrow ever-so-slightly.

HARRY: When he lived at Hogwarts, yeah.

LUNA: If one becomes a werewolf by being bitten by a werewolf, how did the first werewolf come to be?

(DRACO shoots her a look of disdainful incredulity.)

HERMIONE: (Stands and crosses the small room to the haphazard staircase.) Well?

(No one moves for a moment, and then SNAPE sweeps past her up the stairs. TONKS shrugs and herds LUNA ahead of her. HERMIONE follows. HARRY, RON and DRACO stare at each other and all realize at the same moment that there is one room left. Mad dash for the upper floor ensues.

DRACO: (whips out wand at the top of the stairs and aims at HARRY) Petrificus Totalus!

HARRY ducks and RON goes rigid and falls backward.

HARRY: Impedimenta!

(DRACO suddenly moves as if in slow motion. By the time HARRY makes the landing, SNAPE has disappeared inside the one room with a door that’s intact. HERMIONE, LUNA and TONKS claim another room. HARRY pushes past DRACO and stands in the remaining doorway brandishing his wand.)

DRACO: Yooooou’ll…geetttt…yooourrrrs,…Pawtttter.


(Confessional)
Caption DRACO: Of course Potter and Weasley got to keep the room. As if I would share a room with those two. I have standards. High standards. I’m sleeping in the broom cupboard under the stairs.

(Confessional)
Caption HERMIONE: Boys. Honestly. (rolls eyes)

Scene: Inside upstairs bedroom. TONKS sits on one of the beds, absently filing her nails as a dust mop and broom work in a flurry around her of their own accord. HERMIONE stands in front of ragged drapes with hands on hips. A wand protrudes from her right hand.

LUNA (coughing delicately in a cloud of dust): Did you know that doxie venom has healing qualities?

HERMIONE: Rubbish. Everyone knows they’re pests, and we are not living with them in our room. The boys can live in squalor, but we’re going to live like people.

LUNA: I think it’s inhumane. They were living here first.

TONKS: Wait ‘til one bites you, then see how humane you feel.

LUNA: We could extract the venom for Madam Pomfrey.

HERMIONE: Or we could finish cleaning this room. If you won’t help with clearing out the pests, can you work on repairing some of the furniture?

(TONKS’ bewitched broom fills a dust pan which empties itself into a bin in the middle of the room. She rifles through a bag and comes up with a bottle of nail polish and trips over the bin, emptying the contents back onto the floor.

(Confessional)
Caption HERMIONE: Sigh. (Looks off camera)

(Confessional)
Caption LUNA: It’s always been this way. Magical creatures are largely misunderstood. There’s a regular feature column in The Quibbler about it.

Scene: Interior Common Room, Night

RON: I’m hungry.

HARRY: What are we supposed to do for tea? Do we have to make it?

RON: You think Hogwarts could have sent a house elf or two. Hey, I know!

HARRY: What?

RON: (bellowing) Oy! Hermione!

HERMIONE: (off camera) What is it, Ronald?

RON: When are you girls fixing tea? We’re starving!

Silence. HARRY winces.

(Confessional)
Caption HERMIONE: Do they honestly think we’re here to wait on them?

(Voice from outside confessional): Nah, that’s what the elves are for!

(Another Voice:) Harry Potter, sir! Dobby is so happy to have you call him! How can Dobby help Harry Potter, sir?

HERMIONE scowls.

HERMIONE: That does it.
(She marches out of the room, wand at the ready.)

Screams from the kitchen: OY! Hermione! Ouch! No curses! NO CURSES!

Camera zooms in on HARRY and RON as they are rubbing red welts on their arms. DRACO enters the kitchen.

DRACO: So, what’s for tea?

End Episode
***
Feedback, please! We don't want to sound like we're begging. . .but. . .PLEASE!

A/N: Welcome back, dear readers! We hope you enjoy episode two. The inspiration for the title of this episode was inspired by the very funny HP spoof, Harry Potter and the Secret Chamber Pot of Azerbaijan. We highly recommend it. Many laughs. Click here! to view. After you read our episode, of course! Again, this is a collaborative effort between passerby and myself (pepperimp). Offers of big fudgy brownies to those who provide feedback!

Now, without further ado, tune in to episode two!

HP’s Real World: Hogsmeade

EPISODE TWO: WHAT’S THE MATTER, HARRY?

INTRO:

(Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.)

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”

Scene: Common room of Shrieking Shack. Housemates lounging about-except for SNAPE. An Owl bangs on the window and suddenly falls out of view. It returns again and repeats the bang and fall. Obviously carrying something heavy, the housemates stare at it for a while.

LUNA: Perhaps this type can’t fly through?

RON: (rolls his eyes) Loony.

(HERMIONE smacks RON on the back of the head as HARRY opens the window and lets the owl inside. It flops to the table and drops an extraordinarily large book on the table in front of TONKS. She ties something to its leg, and it exits hastily. TONKS opens the book and pulls out a piece of parchment.)

HARRY: What is it?

TONKS: A text message.

DRACO: Who’s it from?

TONKS: McGonagall. Wants to meet us for lunch at the Three Broomsticks.

HERMIONE: Oh! We’re getting assignments!

( Confessional)
Caption RON: Only Hermione would be that excited for an assignment. I mean, really! She’s mental! McGonagall had to give us our mission, or whatever, so Harry and I went to Zonko’s for a bit before lunch. I think Fred and George have them beat, really, but they never send me anything. Family connections, my bum. Harry got a couple of . . . surprises, then we left for the Three Broomsticks. (RON gets a dreamy look on his face, then continues) Madam Rosmerta remembered me.

(Jump to Scene: Inside the Three Broomsticks. The housemates convene at a large rectangular table. HARRY and RON come bustling through the door and plop down in chairs next to HERMIONE. MADAM ROSMERTA comes to the table.)

MADAM ROSMERTA: What’ll it be?

RON: Uhhhh.

HERMIONE: Pumpkin Juice, please.

MADAM ROSMERTA: Oh, Harry! Didn’t know you were doing this Shrieking Shack business. Butterbeer?

HARRY: Er, yeah. Thanks.

MADAM ROSMERTA: (indicating RON) Anything for you, love?

RON: Uhhhh.

DRACO: He’ll have a mop so he can clean up the drool.

RON: (beet red) Beer’n’butt, er, butterbeer.

MADAM ROSMERTA: (Winks) Back in a moment.

HERMIONE: Close your mouth, Ronald.

(RON’s mouth snaps shut, and he drags his eyes from MADAM ROSMERTA.)

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL: Ahem. Thank you all for coming so promptly. I’m afraid we don’t have much time for socialization, though doubtless you get enough of that at the…house. Yes, well, anyway. I’ve a message for you all from Professor Dumbledore concerning your challenge.

MADAM ROSMERTA: Here we are, ducks. (She passes out the drinks. RON swoons as she leans over him to hand HARRY his butterbeer.)

RON: Gaahhh.

SNAPE: (throws back tumbler of firewhiskey in one swallow) Professor, if you don’t mind, can we please get on with this nonsense?

MCGONAGALL: (nods) Thank you, Rosmerta. (She adjusts the spectacles on her nose and unrolls a long piece of parchment.) Now the challenge is as follows: each of you is to take a job at one of the businesses here in Hogsmeade. The person who gets the best review at the end of the month will win four tickets to the next Quidditch World Cup and 100 Galleons. Your assignments will be at these businesses: at Honeydukes Sweet Shop - Hermione; Dervish and Bangs - Tonks; Madam Puddifoot’s - Severus; Zonko’s Joke Shop - Draco; the Post Office - Harry; Gladrags Wizardwear - Luna; and Scrivenshaft’s Quill Shop - Ron. (She glances up from the parchment and notices HARRY’s crestfallen expression.) What’s the matter, HARRY?

HARRY: What? Er, nothing, Professor.

MCGONAGALL: Very well. Your respective employers will be giving you further instructions. You are expected-

SNAPE: Wouldn’t Madam Pudifoot’s be a more appropriate assignment for, say, Ms. Granger?

MCGONAGALL: This assignment came from Dumbledore himself.

SNAPE: (eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly) Of course. (Grumbles under his breath.) His assignments have always ended so well for me.




(Confessional)
Caption SNAPE: I don’t know what the Headmaster was thinking. It’s not exactly potion making, is it? Tea. I don’t drink tea. (Glares off camera and throws back another firewhiskey.) Next he’ll have me teaching Divination like that old bat, Trelawney.

Scene: ZONKO’S JOKE SHOP

(DRACO swaggers in and surveys his new kingdom).

ZONKO’S PROPRIETOR: So you’re the new hire.

DRACO: This is my assignment. I am Draco Malfoy-

ZONKO’S PROPRIETOR: Whatever. (Points to a stack of crates behind the counter.) Stock the table by the front window. Count the inventory and initial the checklist.

DRACO: There are five crates!

ZONKO’S PROPRIETOR: Then you’d best get busy. I expect it to be done before you leave today. And don’t bother the customers.

DRACO: (scowling) This is servant stuff.

ZONKO’S PROPRIETOR: And you’ve been put in my service, and not for cheek!

DRACO: What about my wages? How many breaks do I get? When is lunch?

ZONKO’S PROPRIETOR: Get to work!

(Unofficial Confessional)
Caption DRACO (in front of a haphazard display of miscellaneous joke products): The man’s a slave driver! I’m being made to work like a house elf! (Smirks and flashes a dung bomb from within a pocket) But I’m making sure I’m being compensated.

(MONTAGE of HOUSEMATES’ jobs.)

GLADRAGS WIZARD WEAR

(Focus on Luna pinning a hem into robes, obviously higher on the right side than the left.)

LUNA: What do you think?

CUSTOMER: (Turns to look in the mirror.) What is this?!

LUNA: It’s an asymmetrical hemline. It’s slenderizing.

CUSTOMER: How dare you!


SCRIVENSHAFT’S QUILL SHOP

(RON sits on a stool in the back room, a box of feathers he is meant to be sorting on the table in front of him. His head is in his arms and a soft snore escapes his lips.)


MADAM PUDDIFOOT’S TEAROOM

SNAPE: Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to brew the tea?

MADAM PUDDIFOOT: It’s my own unique blend.

SNAPE: Oh, please. (He pulls the cup from her hands and pulls some of the fragrance to his nose by waving his hand over the cup) Orange rinds, white tea leaves, lavender petals, a tiny pinch of cloves, a touch of peppermint and (raises his eyebrows) the reason you are so . . . successful. Lovage, when combined with the mint, will of course cause those consuming your tea to act most foolishly infatuated with each other.

MADAM PUDDIFOOT: How did you-? No. That’s, well, that’s ridiculous…

SNAPE: I expect you never to use that word in my presence again. (SNAPE hands the cup back to MADAM PUDDIFOOT, who follows him closely as he moves to brew some tea.)

DERVISH AND BANGES

CUSTOMER: Excuse me, Miss.

TONKS: Yes?

CUSTOMER: Where do you keep mirrors?

TONKS: Right this way. We have two-way mirrors, talking mirrors, backwards mirrors…What’s your pleasure?

TALKING MIRROR: (To the customer) You’re a handsome chap. I’m sure-

(Multiple CRASHES as TONKS trips over the stand and knocks the mirrors over like a set of dominoes.)

TALKING MIRROR: Aghhh!

TONKS: Oops.


POST OFFICE

(HARRY returns a couple of owls to their color-coded shelves and dumps a scoop of seeds into the feeding trough. His robes are speckled with owl droppings on the arms and shoulders. He sighs and looks hopefully at the clock.)


HONEYDUKES SWEET SHOP

MRS. FLUME: You’ve been on your feet since the moment you came in. Why don’t you take a break? Try our new pumpkin nut fudge.

HERMIONE: (flushed from working and in her element) Maybe just a bit. (Tastes the fudge.) This is a brilliant recipe! It’s delicious!

MRS. FLUME: I don’t mind telling you that it took Ambrosius and me many a try to perfect that recipe. Of course it’s strictly a Honeyduke’s concoction. We’d like to start selling it tomorrow.

HERMIONE: Will you be giving out samples?

MRS. FLUME: Perhaps you could help with setting that up? Ambrosius has been very impressed with how well you’ve run the register and how carefully you’ve measured out the bulk sweets. We couldn’t be more pleased with your work.

HERMIONE: Thank you. I would be happy to set up a display. We could put a table near the front of the shop, with signs and small sample cups-

MRS. FLUME: (patting her hand) We’ll trust you with the details, dear. Do you think you could handle things in here for a bit? (She hands HERMIONE a key.) We’ve got a few things to pick up around town that really shouldn’t wait.

HERMIONE: (A manic gleam in her eye) Oh, don’t worry about a thing, Mrs. Flume. I’ll lock up when I’m finished.

MRS. FLUME: Wonderful.

(HERMIONE sets to work organizing a display for the new fudge, reorganizing a few things as she goes and making a mental note of a few more things she’d organize later.)

(HARRY and RON bang on the door of Honeydukes.)

RON: Hermione? Are you in there? Are you coming or not? (He holds his hands up to the glass, trying to get a better view inside. HERMIONE’s head pops up from behind a giant piece of cardboard fudge.) AH!

HERMIONE: Oh, right. Sorry. (She lets them in) Let me just finish. (She flicks her wand at the fudge display and it starts revolving and playing soft music with the words “eat eat my sweet sweet”.)

HARRY: What’s all this?

HERMIONE: Oh, this is just the display for the new fudge.

RON: (looking around) Where are the owners?

HERMIONE: They had to leave a bit early tonight.

RON: And they left you in charge of their shop? On your first day?

HERMIONE: Well, they’re pleased with my work. She did give me a key.

RON: (shaking his head) Unbelievable.

(HERMIONE’S eyes narrow.)

HARRY: (hurriedly) Great. All’s good. Let’s just go home so we can eat.

(HERMIONE quickly finishes and locks up.)

Confessional
Caption HERMIONE: I really am pleased with the way it turned out. I do hope the Flumes like it. I want to do a good job. It’s not about Quidditch or the money. They would make excellent references on a resume.

Confessional
Caption SNAPE: (Stares into camera, hands forming a triangle in front of his chest, fingers drumming on each other) I will have this prize. They took away my Order of Merlin. No recognition in either of my fields. They took away my Nobel Prize in Chemistry, turns out that muggles have to be able to recreate the potion. (smirks) I will have those tickets. (Takes a drink of, what we can assume is, firewhiskey.) ‘N I don’t even like Quidditch!

Scene: Late night/Early Morning-Camera follows DRACO as he sneaks upstairs and slips something under HARRY and RON’s door. He quickly runs back down the stairs just before the door bursts open and RON and HARRY fall out of the room, coughing and holding their noses.

HARRY: MALFOY!

End Episode

EPISODE 3 TEASER

Scene: Day, kitchen. TONKS is digging slowly into a bowl of breakfast cereal. No one else is around. She doesn’t seem to think this is a problem. The fireplace turns green and MCGONAGALL’S head pops into view.

MCGONAGALL: TONKS! (Surprised, TONKS flings her spoon, cereal, milk and all, across the room and hits MCGONAGALL on the nose.) OOF! What in the devil are you doing?

TONKS: Oh, so sorry, MINERVA. I’m just finishing breakfast. Did you need anything?

MCGONAGALL: (wiping the milk off of her face) Yes, well, you are dreadfully late for work. Your employer contacted me a moment ago. He said he was unable to find you.

TONKS: Oh! Right! I can’t be that late. (She waves her hand, dismissively.)

MCGONAGALL: (deadpan) Tonks, it’s noon.

TONKS: (smacks herself in the head) Right. I’m going! (taps her head with her wand, TONKS is instantly dressed with lime green hair to match. She Apparates from the room before MCGONAGALL’s head leaves the fire place.)


End Teaser


A/N: Remember, don't leave Hogsmeade without leaving feedback!

Episode Three: Spin the Butterbeer Bottle

INTRO:

(Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.)

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”

Scene: Morning, kitchen.

HARRY: Pass the “Sugar Bombs”.

DRACO digs in the cereal box, looking for the toy surprise, ignoring HARRY.

LUNA: (Serenely sips a vile smelling drink from a chipped tea cup) You should have something healthier for breakfast. I’ve made an infusion of gurdyroot. You can have some.

HARRY: Er, thanks, Luna. I think I’ll just have cereal. MALFOY!

DRACO: Got it! (Holds up miniature figure of a Quidditch player on a broomstick and sets it flying around the breakfast table.)

(HERMIONE enters the kitchen, slightly rushed, and picks up the “Sugar Bombs” as she sweeps by the table, passing them off to HARRY without looking. She heads straight for the kettle on the stove.)

LUNA: Are you all right, HERMIONE?

HERMIONE: (distracted) What? Oh, yes, LUNA. I’m just running late, and-

HARRY: Hang on. Honeydukes doesn’t open until 10:00. It’s only 7:30.

HERMIONE: (dipping a tea bag up and down in her cup at an alarming speed) HARRY, don’t you remember? I have to go in early. My parents are coming for lunch today at the Three Broomsticks, and then we’ve got to prepare this shack for the rest of our visitors! We should have planned for this dinner days ago!

HARRY: We did, HERMIONE. Everything will be fine. Who all is coming?

HERMIONE: (Looks up and to the left and mentally ticks off the list) My parents, Lupin, Mrs. Malfoy, Ginny . . . anyone else?

DRACO: Pansy may come if Mum invited her. She may come if Mum didn’t invite her as well.

(RON enters the kitchen, yawning hugely. His robes are wrinkled as though he slept in them.)

HERMIONE: RONALD!

RON: ( jumps as though cracked with a whip) What? I didn’t do anything, I just got up!

HERMIONE: You look as though you haven’t done laundry since we got here two weeks ago!

RON: (hair and face horribly clashing shades of red) I was getting to it.

DRACO: I didn’t think it was possible for you to smell any worse, WEASELBY.

HARRY: Sure it’s not another one of your dungbombs?

HERMIONE: Stop it, all of you! We don’t have time for this. Our guests are coming, and we’ve got to get this house in order!

LUNA: Why? Is it not?

HERMIONE: (rolls eyes heavenward) Look, I’ve made a list of chores. It’s color-coded by person. If we all work together-

DRACO: I’m not doing chores. That’s house-elf work!

HERMIONE: Well we don’t have house elves.

RON: (muttering) No thanks to you.

Confessional
Caption RON: She’s mental! Someone should have her wand. She’d give my mum a run for her sickles, the slave driver.

Confessional
Caption LUNA: She colored me blue. I was rather hoping I’d be purple.

(Scene: Day, kitchen. TONKS is digging slowly into a bowl of breakfast cereal. No one else is around. She doesn’t seem to think this is a problem. The fireplace turns green and MCGONAGALL’S head pops into view.)

MCGONAGALL: TONKS! (Surprised, TONKS flings her spoon, cereal, milk and all, across the room and hits MCGONAGALL on the nose.) OOF! What in the devil are you doing?

TONKS: Oh, so sorry, MINERVA. I’m just finishing breakfast. Did you need anything?

MCGONAGALL: (wiping the milk off of her face) Yes, well, you are dreadfully late for work. Your employer contacted me a moment ago. He said he was unable to find you.

TONKS: Oh! Right! I can’t be that late. (She waves her hand, dismissively.)

MCGONAGALL: (deadpan) Tonks, it’s noon.


(Scene: Lunch break at The Three Broomsticks. HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE occupy a table with a smattering of other customers around.)

HERMIONE: My parents are very excited to visit Hogsmeade!

RON: (turns bright read and takes a drink.) Urmf.

HERMIONE: I’ve told them all about it, of course, and they can’t wait to see what a real magical community is like! Oh, and they’re very excited to see you as well, HARRY!

RON: Sure, they’re excited to see HARRY.

HERMIONE: (Sends RON a pitying glance.) They’re pleased to be seeing you as well, RON. (Glances down at his ink-covered shirt.) You wouldn’t mind, er. . . .

RON: (Takes a bite of bread) What? (Glances down at his shirt.) Oi! I’ve been filling the ink bottles. It’s messy work. (HARRY is barely able to stifle his laughter as HERMIONE continues to stare at RON.) WHAT!

HERMIONE: (Rolls her eyes.) You could clean off your shirt a bit before my parents arrive.

RON: I hardly had time to send the shirt to the wash, HERMIONE.

HERMIONE: I’m sorry, RONALD, but did they confiscate your wand?

RON: (Turns beet red again.) Oh, yeah. Didn’t think of that. (Digs his wand out of his pocket.)

HERMIONE: Let me. (Takes out her wand and points it at RON who looks truly frightened.) SCOURGIFY! (A cloud of dust ensues around RON as he starts a mixture of whimpering and yelling, distracting the other patrons of the bar. Soon the dust settles and reveals a much tidier RON with his white shirt tucked in and his hair combed to perfection, an expression of bewilderment on his face.) Ah, that’s better! (Looks toward the door at the couple entering.) Oh, there are Mum and Dad! Excuse me. (She leaves the table to fetch her parents.)

HARRY: Aren’t you a bit worried, RON?

RON: How’s that?

HARRY: Since you and HERMIONE are, well, you know . . . . Don’t you want to make a good impression?

RON: (Looks slightly offended.) What are you saying, mate? Don’t think I make a good enough impression as is? (Puffs out his chest)

HARRY: You don’t always come off so well at the start.

RON: Yeah. I know what you mean. I’m not worried, though. (Winks) Fred and George have sent me something sure to fix all of my problems.

HARRY: (very interested) What is it?

RON: (pulls out a book from his bag and passes it over to HARRY) Just take a look. I’ve marked some of the more important parts.

HARRY: (Opens the book and starts to read.) What? What’s this? “You’d be surprised; it’s not all about wandwork, either.” You don’t really say that, do you?

RON: (Stares up into nothing) Good ol’ JK! Sorry, Harry. Gave you the wrong book! (Switches the mystery book out before HARRY has a chance to see what the title was.)

HARRY: Wait! I saw my name! Something about expelliarmus!

RON: No, no.! You’re not allowed to see it! I’ll be sued! Ah, here it is! “Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches.” Everything we need to know!

HARRY: Let me see it. (RON passes it over.)

RON: And they sent me some of this! (Takes out a phial of golden liquid.) Felix to the rescue, mate! I figure I just need a small swig of this and a few of the pointers from that book and I’m good to go.

HARRY: What pointers?

RON: Chapter five: The Magic of the Mother. Great stuff in there.

HARRY: (Shakes his head and hands back the book.) Better take your drink, RON, here they come.

RON: (Hurriedly takes a swig and hastily shoves the phial and the book back into his pocket.) How long does this stuff take to work, anyways?

HERMIONE: HARRY! RON! This is my mum and my dad! (They extend their hands)

RON: (Popping out of his seat.) Dr. and Dr. Granger! How nice it is to see you again. Here, ma’am, please take my seat. (He gently pushes the chair into the table as HERMIONE’s mother sits as HERMIONE stares at him with her mouth wide open.)

MRS./DR. GRANGER: Why thank you! RON, isn’t it?

RON: That’s right. (Pulls a chair out for HERMIONE, who is openly goggling.) And HERMIONE, I’m sure you’d like to sit next to your mum.

HERMIONE: Er, thanks, RON…

RON: (shakes hands with HERMIONE’S dad) We’re so glad you could come, Sir.

MR./DR. GRANGER: Likewise. Nice to see you again, as well, HARRY.

Confessional
Caption HERMIONE: He was absolutely charming. He even ordered for all of us! Stuff we actually eat! HARRY paid, of course, but my mum and dad loved him! If I hadn’t been there, I don’t think I would have believed it.
(From outside the confessional- RON: I hope you don’t mind my saying it, DR. GRANGER, but I can really see where HERMIONE gets her beauty. And her intelligence. I wish we could stay longer, but I’m afraid I’ll have to be getting back to work. After I walk HERMIONE back to Honeydukes, of course.) ( HERMIONE stares off-camera, utterly bemused) I’m actually wondering if I’m dreaming all this.

(Scene: The GRANGER’s room, upstairs at the Three Broomsticks.)

MR./DR. GRANGER: That was a wonderful lunch. Your mother and I are so pleased that you have such mature, well-mannered friends.

MRS./DR. GRANGER: Yes! That RONALD was so polite. After all you’ve said, we thought that perhaps… Well, nevermind. He really made a good impression, and we absolutely support any relationship the two of you might like to have. We are so looking forward to having dinner with you all and to meeting the rest of your housemates. But we won’t keep you. We know RON is waiting.

HERMIONE: Um, thanks, mum.

Confessional
Caption HARRY: (laughing) That was priceless. I’m so glad it’s on tape!

(Scene: The broom cupboard of the Shrieking Shack. Close up on a blonde woman flicking a spider from her shoulder with the tip of her wand, an expression of utter disgust on her haughty face.)

Caption NARCISSA MALFOY, DRACO’S Mother: This is where you sleep?

DRACO: (sulky) All the rooms were taken, and I wasn’t about to share with POTTER and WEASLEY.

NARCISSA: Though I can certainly understand that, I’m sure I don’t know why you’ve chosen to leave your quarters in such a state. Does SEVERUS know about this?

DRACO: All he cares about is his firewhiskey and using up all the hot water in the bathroom.

NARCISSA: (Lifting an eyebrow) Well, we’ll just have to make your accommodations more suitable. No son of mine is living in a broom cupboard.



Confessional
Caption DRACO: (Now inside a luxuriously appointed room) My mother is a really gifted witch. My room is easily the best in the house. Not that it would take much. I knew she wouldn’t leave me to suffer in this dump. (Glancing at the huge four-poster now in the corner) I can’t wait to show it to PANSY.

(Scene: Shrieking Shack kitchen, Evening. The table is crowded with DRACO, NARCISSA, and SEVERUS at one end. HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, and the GRANGERS sit at the other end. A red-headed girl is next to HARRY with LUNA at the center of the table. Opposite them sits a somewhat scruffy man in worn and patched robes. The seat next to him is the only one that is unoccupied.)

(RON’s stomach rumbles loudly. The red-headed girl rolls her eyes.)

Caption REMUS LUPIN: Has anyone heard from TONKS?

HERMIONE: (thoughtfully) You know, I haven’t seen her today since I got up. She was still sleeping when I left the room. Have you seen her, LUNA?

LUNA: (twirling a strand of blonde hair around her finger) She was pink on your chart.

HARRY: You don’t think anything’s happened to her?

DRACO: Oh, that would be a loss. Can we eat now?

HARRY: You wouldn’t have anything to do with it, would you? Send some of your Death Eater pals after her?

NARCISSA: (eyes narrowed) I would be careful with your accusations, POTTER. You never know who you might offend.

HARRY: Oh, I almost forgot. How’s Lucius enjoying Azkaban?

NARCISSA: Yes, yes . . . and how is my dear cousin, Sirius? Still dead, hmmm?

HARRY: (whips out his wand) How dare you . . .!

A knock sounds at the front door. HERMIONE rushes to get it.

(Off-camera conversation.)

HERMIONE: Oh, it’s you.

FEMALE VOICE: Is DRACO in?

HERMIONE: In the kitchen.

(Footsteps approach and an attractive girl with short black hair appears in the doorway.)

LUNA: (without turning to look) Hello, TONKS.

DRACO: (With disdain) That’s not TONKS, you daft witch, that’s PANSY.

Caption PANSY PARKINSON, DRACO’s girlfriend: Hello, DRACO. MRS. MALFOY. (NARCISSA nods her greeting almost imperceptibly.) I heard you wanted to see me, DRACO.

DRACO: You did? (PANSY moves close to DRACO and drapes her arms around his shoulders, snuggling into his chest.) Um, PANSY?

PANSY: (purring) Yes?

(NARCISSA raises an eyebrow while still managing to close her eyes in disdain towards PANSY, her fingers tighten on her wand.)

DRACO: (Turning a nice shade of red under his mother’s scrutiny.) Let’s find some privacy. (Turns to NARCISSA) Excuse us for a moment, Mother.

HARRY: Don’t snog for too long, DRACO. You’ll miss your treacle tart.

(General laughter follows DRACO and PANSY as they head for his cupboard under the stairs.)

PANSY: You don’t expect me to go in there, do you, DRACO? What about spiders? (She shivers.)

DRACO: (Rolls his eyes) Just go in. I promise you’ll be more than comfortable.

PANSY: (Opens the door and steps inside. Her eyes pop wide open.) Holy – er, I mean. Love what you’ve done with the place!

DRACO: Mother insisted. I could have managed, really. It wasn’t so bad. I don’t know what POTTER was complaining about. Never mind about him, though. (He offers her a coy smile.) Want to see what’s in the corner?

PANSY: (Eyes the magnificent four poster.) Er, no . . . I just wanted to say hello.

DRACO: Oh, come on, PANSY. Don’t get all shy on me now.

PANSY: Really. (She gulps and eyes the door, as if wishing someone would enter.) I can’t stay.

(DRACO tries to kiss her, but PANSY pulls out her wand and aims a curse at him.)

Confessional
Caption NARCISSA: Really! Who does that little brat think she is, draping herself all over my DRACO! The nerve of that little witch, trying to elevate her status through our family. Parkinson. Who’s ever heard of them? I’ll put a stop to this!

NARCISSA: (Bursts into Draco’s room) Get your filthy hands off my . . . AAAAGGGGHHH!! (She has just seen her son’s lips filling with air like balloons from whatever curse PANSY had hit him with.)

PANSY: THANK YOU! (She rushes out of the room and out of the shack.)

LUNA: TONKS isn’t staying, then? And it was such lovely treacle.

(Scene: The Shrieking Shack common room. TONKS enters and heads immediately for LUPIN’s lap as he is sitting in an armchair, talking with the group minus NARCISSA and DRACO)

TONKS: There you are! I’ve been just dying to see you!

LUPIN: Where have you been, DORA?

TONKS: (Sighs heavily) I broke a few more mirrors and stayed late to repair them. I’ve never seen so many mirrors, and all of them screaming at me about seven years bad luck. At this rate, I won’t have a lucky day in 800 years! Drove the customers away!

HARRY: You sure it was the mirrors?

TONKS: What else could it have been?

LUPIN: Take a walk with me, DORA?

TONKS: Love to!

(TONKS and LUPIN exit the shack.)

GINNY: I think I’ll go get a drink.

HARRY: Grab me one while you’re at it.

GINNY: Wouldn’t you like to come with me?

HARRY: Nah. Just a water is fine.

GINNY: (Clears her throat rather meaningfully.) I said, “Wouldn’t you like to come with me?”

HARRY: OH! Of course. We’ll be back in a bit.

(All except RON stare after them with bemused expressions of HARRY’s mental leap.)

RON: I know what they’re doing!

HERMIONE: Really, RON. You’ve just got to get over it.

RON: I’ll just be right back. Make sure they don’t need help with the. . .drinks.

HERMIONE: It’d probably be better if you’d just stay here. They’re only doing it to irritate you.

RON: YEAH! WELL IT’S WORKING, ISN’T IT?! (He hops off his seat and races to the confessional room. MR./DR. GRANGER and MRS./DR. GRANGER stare after him with a bit of confusion at his sudden change in manners.)

Confessional
Caption GINNY: (Red hair whips the camera as GINNY slams the door and tackles HARRY onto the sofa.) I didn’t think we’d ever get away from RON.

(Wrestling and smoochy sounds ensue. Pounding on the door is heard over this.)

RON: She’s my SISTER! I know you’re snogging in there; I can hear the smacking!

(Scene: Back in the common room.)

MRS./DR. GRANGER: You know, we could really do something to improve the quality of your smile.

SNAPE: I don’t smile.

HERMIONE: Mother, please! You don’t have to diagnose . . . .

MR./DR. GRANGER: Dear, your mother is quite right. Perhaps it would make him more approachable to his students. Just a quick whitening procedure.

HERMIONE: DAD!

SNAPE: Twenty points from Gryffindor for being progeny of insufferable know-it-alls.

(Scene: DRACO’s improved room. NARCISSA sits holding a damp cloth to her son’s lips to bring down the swelling.)

NARCISSA: That’s as good as I can do in such a . . . primitive setting. I’m sure they’ll return to their normal size by morning. (DRACO glares at her.) Really, DRACO. It’s your own fault. The idea of you and that, that climbing nobody!

DRACO: That’s it, Mother! She’s my girlfriend, so you’d better just get used to it.

NARCISSA: (Eyes narrow) Nice girlfriend you have there. Cursed anything else off lately, has she? It’s a wonder you haven’t brought her home to meet me before. Get it out of your system now, DRACO. We have a nice little alignment for you when you’re finished with this whole HARRY POTTER series thing.

DRACO: For. The. Last. Time. I AM not marrying Milliscent!

NARCISSA: (Waves her hand, dismissing DRACO’s statement.) Now you listen to me. (She lowers her voice.) I have some very important instructions to give to you from You-Know-Who.

DRACO: Oh, give it a rest, Mum. You can call him the Dark Lord.

NARCISSA: I know very well I can call him that! I was just being. . .secretive! Just listen to your mother. If all goes as planned, your father will be out of Azkaban by Christmas!

Scene: Late at night, still in the common room. TONKS sits giggling with HERMIONE and GINNY. They’re passing around a bottle of liquid, taking turns smelling it.

GINNY: Are you sure, TONKS?

TONKS: Trust me, it’s perfect! This is exactly what to do with it!

HERMIONE: We could get into so much trouble! Maybe it’s not his fault! Maybe he has some sort of a head condition?

TONKS: Oh, come on, HERMIONE! Live a little!

(The camera follows them as they sneak up the stairs toward SNAPE’s room. TONKS places the bottle in front of the door, takes a deep breath and knocks loudly on the door. The girls scatter with fits of laughter toward their rooms. SNAPE bursts through the door in a Gryffindor night shirt with his wand raised. He’s clutching a rather worn looking soft stuffed bear in his other arm. He glances each direction down the hall with his wand lit. He starts grumbling about stupid females and their stupid games as his toe hits the bottle before him.)

SNAPE: What’s this? Vidal Sassoon? Hmmm. . . . (He opens the lid and takes a wiff.) Interesting. Come along, Wubbins, we have work to do. (He turns sharply and looks down the hall again to make sure no one is watching. Quickly, he tucks the bottle into his nightshirt pocket and slinks back into his room.)


END EPISODE

Episode 4 Teaser

(Scene: SNAPE’s room. LUCIOUS MALFOY is there, looking ragged and worn out.)

Caption LUCIUS MALFOY, Azkaban resident: I have very little time, SNAPE. Those prison guards won’t be fooled for long.

SNAPE: Didn’t you follow my directions precisely? You were to do exactly as Black did! Turn into your Animagus and slip through the bars! Did you not replace yourself with the identical duck?

LUCIUS: (Caught in a fit of coughing but strangely looking as if he were about to laugh) Of course I did! It’s still only a matter of time before they realize I’m missing!

SNAPE: Very well. I have a plan about which even the Dark Lord knows not.

LUCIUS: I’m listening.

SNAPE: (Waves his wand and a bottle appears) Take this back to prison with you. Wash your hair with it.

LUCIUS: Wash my hair? You can’t be serious!

SNAPE: (Snaps at him.) Of course I’m serious! I’ve been perfecting the recipe for years! It is finally ready. We sell this to wizard and muggle alike! Soon the world will be ours!

LUCIUS: You plan to take over the world using . . .

SNAPE: Hair products. Yes. (Folds his fingers menacingly together and smiles an utterly evil sneer.)

***
A/N - Thanks for reading! Sorry for the delay in posting. . .Life gets busy and sometimes we go for ages without talking to each other! And it's sad! But here it is now, and if you enjoyed it even a little, please leave feedback. If you loved it. . .you know the drill. Cookies. Mwahahaha. Oh, and remember that for the purposes of our little fic that really doesn't have a good place to fit within the canon; people are alive or dead as we need them to be. . .and people are in and out of azkaban like Fred and George are in and out of Zonkos. Thanks for reading! FEEDBACK!!

HP’s Real World: Hogsmeade

EPISODE FOUR: LOVE POTIONS AND VIDAL SASSOON

INTRO:

(Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.)

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”

Scene: Girls’ bedroom, morning.

TONKS: (stares at the sparkly adorning her left ring finger) Lovely, isn’t it?

HERMIONE: It’s absolutely amazing! I can’t believe Professor LUPIN could afford it, what with him having a hard time finding a job and all.

TONKS: I used an enlargement charm on it. Gorgeous.

HERMIONE: (Looks a little uncomfortable) TONKS! That’s a horrible thing to do! Won’t he feel rather badly about it?

TONKS: Nah. I shrink it down when I see him.

LUNA: It’s unfortunate that it’s such a clear diamond. Father says that clarity in a diamond is a sure sign of death.

(TONKS and HERMIONE eye each other)

TONKS: Come now, LUNA. How can getting engaged mean my death?

LUNA: (In a sing song voice) Little Mary marries so the grave digger daren’t tarry. . .

HERMIONE: (Cuts in as LUNA continues to sing her little ditty in the background) How did he propose?

TONKS: The most romantic thing, really. After we finished our . . . experiment last night, he came to take me on a moonlit stroll.

HERMIONE: How utterly romantic! Then?

TONKS: (Dreamily) Well, he brought a little picnic, and we sat down on his cloak in this clearing. The moon shone down through the branches. Then he poured some wine.

HERMIONE: Yes?

TONKS: The ring was in my glass. I swallowed it and started to choke. REMUS put his arms around me, squeezed really hard, and the ring came flying out!

HERMIONE: (Horrified) Wait, he had to do the Heimlich Maneuver?!

TONKS: (blankly) The what? (Shakes her head) Anyway, after that, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes! Wasn’t that a clever way to propose? I was so surprised!

HERMIONE: Ohhkay…

LUNA: (Solemnly) The clear diamond almost choked you. It’s another sign.

TONKS: Engorgio!(Admiring her ring again) I’ve never been so happy!


Scene: Bathroom, morning. Loud banging on the door. DRACO is at the sink, intently mixing a potion.

RON (through the door): OY! MALFOY! You’ve been in there all morning! Some of us need to use the toilet!

DRACO: Go find a tree. I’m busy. (Murmurs to himself) Now for a touch of color.
(He adds a drop of liquid to the potion which fizzes and turns a clear, sparkling ruby.) Perfect.

(He glances around the bathroom even though he is alone, then takes a bottle off the counter and empties it down the sink. He refills it with his new potion and replaces it.)

RON (through the door): It doesn’t matter how long you’re in there; you can’t improve your looks! Live with it! The rest of us have learned to!

DRACO: (Impatiently whips out his wand and points it through the keyhole in the bathroom door) Furnunculus!

(RON’s scream echoes through the door. DRACO ignores this and turns to contemplate the porcelain throne with a smirk that hints at things not pleasant.)

Confessional
Caption RON (face covered with red boils): I’ll KILL him! The stupid prat hexed me through the door. I swear, he’s been in that bathroom for HOURS. (whimpers) Now where’s HERMIONE?

(DRACO whisks his wand about and cleans up the mess he’d made, opens the lid on the toilet, tosses something in, and exits the room in a hurry.)

RON: Finally! (Ron enters the room and gasps, the pungent smell of a dungbomb making him wretch.) MALFOY!!

MALFOY: (Now in the common room, making himself comfortable on a couch.) Steer clear of the loo for a bit; WEASELBY is in there.

HERMIONE: (From the hall with the bathroom) RONALD! (She runs into the common room with her hand covering her nose.)

Confessional
Caption HERMIONE: Honestly. He told me it was an emergency. He can just live with those ugly boils on his face for all I care! (She checks the clock.) He’d better be finished in there; I’m going to be late to Honeydukes!

(HERMIONE rushes to the bathroom to find it unoccupied. She rushes inside and brushes her teeth. She takes a swig of mouth wash and spits the vast majority into the sink. She wipes her mouth on a towel and exits to room almost knocking over SNAPE, who is waiting by the door with a Daily Prophet tucked under his arm..)

SNAPE: Watch where you’re going, you useless girl!

HERMIONE: (Flushed) Oh, sorry, Professor! I didn’t know you were there!

SNAPE: (Scowls at Hermione with narrowed eyes) Yes, why would anyone be standing at the door to the only bathroom in the shack when you and WEASLEY have been in there all morning.

HERMIONE: (A small girlish smile appearing on her lips) RONALD is such a boy.

SNAPE: (Raises an eyebrow) Hmmm. Yes. Now if you will excuse me. (Walks into the bathroom and closes the door in her face.)

HERMIONE: (Calls after him) I can wait here, if you’d like. (Unintelligible, but very cross, mumblings come from behind the door.) Or I’ll just see you after work? I’d like to ask you some questions about a certain potion! Professor?

Confessional
Caption HERMIONE: (Visibly shivers) He’s just so dreamy! That dark hair and crooked nose! Oh my! (Flips her hair a bit) It really makes me wonder what I ever saw in RON. SEVERUS is much, much more of a man. I do hope he’ll consider giving me . . . private lessons.

Scene: The Post Office (HARRY helps the POST MASTER sort incoming Delivery Owls. He detaches the parcels and passes them to the POST MASTER for sorting.)

HARRY: Ouch! (Rubs his hand as the Delivery Owl he was working with nips his hand.)

POST MASTER: Give him some owl nuts and put him back on his perch. Bring the leather gloves when you come back. We’re expecting some long-distance owls today. They tend to be a bit touchy after their flights.

HARRY: Right. (Moves to follow the directions when a bell tinkles, signaling the entrance of a patron in the front room.) I’ll get it.

POST MASTER: (absently) Thank you, POTTER.

HARRY: (goes to the front counter and pales) What are you doing here?!

A handsome, dark-haired man smiles broadly at HARRY. Caption: SIRIUS BLACK, HARRY’S Until-Recently-Thought-of-as-Deceased Godfather.

SIRIUS: I had some post to drop off, so I thought-

HARRY: (hissing in an outraged whisper) You thought you’d come to the last wizarding town in Britain where countless people could recognize you to drop off your post? Everyone thinks you’re dead! SHE did it in the last book, and everyone knows you can’t come back once SHE offs you.

SIRIUS: (chuckling) That’s the theory. But what’s life without some risk? I just stayed behind the curtain to pull Bella’s chain. Moony and I had a good laugh over it. But don’t worry. I came as a dog. No one recognized me.

HARRY: You have to leave. No one’s supposed to know you’re not dead in real life. Apparate before someone sees you!

SIRIUS: What kind of welcome is that? Aren’t you glad to see me?

HARRY: (scowling) That’s not the point. I want you to stay out of Azkaban. But next time please wear more than just your coat. I’ll come see you when I can. Now would you please just GO?

SIRIUS: If that’s what you really want. Try to stay out of trouble, HARRY. (He Apparates with a POP.)

Confessional
Caption HARRY: I can’t believe SIRIUS did that. What was he thinking? If someone had recognized him… (shakes his head) I’m going to write him tonight.

POST MASTER: POTTER!

HARRY: Yes, sir?

POST MASTER: That SNAPE chap is living at your house, right?

HARRY: Er, yeah.

POST MASTER: (Tosses a parcel to HARRY with SNAPE’S name on it) You can deliver this to him when you get home. Strange package. We don’t often get muggle post.

HARRY: (blinks in disbelief) Muggle post? (Examines the return address) V.S.? I wonder who that is?

(Scene: Madam Puddifoot’s, midday. SNAPE is taking orders under Madam Puddifoot’s close scrutiny.)

BOY 1: Excuse me! I didn’t order a tuna sandwich. I ordered a ham and cheese toastie! And my girlfriend wanted lemon tea.

SNAPE: (Clenches his fists and releases them over and over again. Turns to the couple.) I suggest you eat it.

BOY 1: But –

SNAPE: (Whips out his wand and holds it to the boy’s throat) Eat the sandwich, you miserable, besotted, spineless excuse for a human being, and enjoy it. Or I will give you something else that is not on the menu.

BOY 1: This is fine. Just fine. (Takes a bite.) Exactly what I wanted.

SNAPE: (Turns to another couple, staring lovingly into each other’s eyes.) What. Do. You. Want.

MADAM PUDDIFOOT: (Tugs on the edge of SNAPE’s sleeve) Oh, SEVERUS. You’re doing a wonderful job, and you have such a lovely way of interacting with the customers. (Bats her eyes) But I was wondering . . . if it would be possible, that is . . . could you, perhaps, stop threatening the patrons? (SNAPE grunts and exits the shop, leaving MADAM PUDDIFOOT in the midst of very unhappy customers.)

Scene: Honeydukes (Hermione is sitting behind the counter, staring off into space. MRS. FLUME regards her with a look of minor concern.)

MRS. FLUME: Dear, are you feeling all right?

HERMIONE: (blinking out of her reverie) What? Oh, yes. Sorry. I guess I’m a bit distracted today.

MRS. FLUME: How did your dinner with your guests go last night? Did something happen?

HERMIONE: It was fine, I guess. My Mum and Dad really liked my friend, RON.

MRS. FLUME: (nodding knowingly) I know how worried you were about his making a good impression. Did they like him?

HERMIONE: (a bit agitated) They loved him! But…

MRS. FLUME: But what, dear?

HERMIONE: It’s just…he’s just so immature. I think I’d be better suited with someone older. (Suddenly perks up.) Say, you know your customers so well, I bet you’re familiar with their favorite treats.

MRS. FLUME: Well, naturally. It’s good business to know what your customers like. Why?

HERMIONE: Tell me, what does SEVERUS enjoy?

Scene After work, Streets of Hogsmeade. RON, HARRY, and LUNA wait outside Honeydukes for HERMIONE to get off work. They sip butterbeers as they wait. Ron holds an extra bottle.

LUNA: May I have your butterbeer caps?

HARRY: (eyeing LUNA’S necklace) Do you have room on your necklace for anymore caps?

LUNA: It’s not for me. I’m making necklaces to sell to customers at Gladrags.

RON: (incredulous) They asked you to make them?

LUNA: No. The customers deserve to be allowed to protect themselves if they want though, don’t they? I’m surprised they don’t already have them available, really. Nargles ought to be taken more seriously.

HARRY: (Hands over the caps and cuts off RON before he can say anything.) Sure, LUNA. Here you go.

LUNA: (Beaming at HARRY, then turns to leave) I’ll make you a special one of your own, HARRY!

Confessional
Caption RON: Oh, that’s priceless! I can’t wait to see him wearing his own butterbeer cap necklace! (Breaks off into a massive fit of laughter.) This is why it doesn’t pay to humor people!

RON: Well, come on, HARRY. We’d better get back to the shack before she brings back an Erumpet horn hat!

HARRY: This came through the post for SNAPE. (Holds the package out for RON to see.) What do you reckon is in it?

RON: V.S.? (His eyes go wide.) You don’t think it’s from. . .it’s from. . .well, it’s from him, is it?

HARRY: I don’t know who else it could be. I’m just trying to figure out the S. Voldemort. . . .

RON: Sir?

HARRY: I don’t think so.

RON: Sire?

HARRY: I don’t think he thinks of himself as royalty.

RON: It was worth a guess. What’s in the package, anyways?

HARRY: I don’t know, but I’ll bet it’s cursed.

RON: Senior?

HARRY: That was his dad. Unless. (His eyes go wide) You don’t think he has a child, do you?

RON: That’s too disgusting to even think about, mate.

(They are still deep in conversation as they walk down the path and up the steps to the entrance of the Shrieking Shack. They are rudely interrupted when the door flies open and SNAPE lurks out.)

SNAPE: What is that you are holding, POTTER?

HARRY: A package that came for you.

SNAPE: I expressly ordered that anything sent to me should be delivered immediately, not have it sitting around waiting for a whelp to bring it home to me. Hand it over.

HARRY: I’d be careful if I were you, SNAPE.

SNAPE: (Sneers and brings his wand up to HARRY’s neck.) No one to help you out here, boy.

HERMIONE: (She has apparently been running.) SEVERUS! SEVERUS! (Notices HARRY AND RON) Oh, I mean, Professor SNAPE. I brought you a little something. Thought you might need it as you’re in your huge room, all alone. . .

SNAPE: (Eyes narrow) What do you know of what I am doing?

HERMIONE: (Flushed) Nothing, SEV. . .I mean, Sir. Nothing at all. Unless, that is, you’d like for me to help—

SNAPE: I do not need help from a pathetic, love struck, hormonal teenager! (Grabs the package from HARRY at last). Tell no one of this. Or you shall regret it. (He turns crisply on his heels back into the shack. HERMIONE watches him go with a dreamy look in her eye.)

RON: Hey, HERMIONE, you feeling alright?

HERMIONE: (Trying not to burst into tears) You wouldn’t understand!

HARRY: Are you about to cry? Because of old SNAPE?

HERMIONE: (turns violently on HARRY) How dare you! How dare you insult such a wonderful and passionate man as my SEVERUS!

RON: WHAT? Your SEVERUS?

HERMIONE: (Eyes narrow) That’s right, RON. I’ve found someone with a bit more maturity than a thumb tack for a change. (She storms off into the Shack.)

RON: (Anger seeming to boil inside of him.) I’ll kill him, HARRY. I’LL BLOODY KILL HIM!

(RON runs inside the Shack with HARRY close on his heals. RON opens every door with his wand raised, looking for a fight.)

DRACO: What’s Weasleby on about?

RON: (Points his wand at DRACO) Where’s SNAPE?

DRACO: How should I know, I only just got here! Get a grip!

(RON considers cursing DRACO for the heck of it but decides against such course of action, choosing to save his energy for SNAPE instead. He makes his way down the halls, testing each door and searching inside. Finally he tries the bathroom door and finds it locked.)

RON: I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!

(silence)

RON: YOU HAVE UNTIL I COUNT TO TEN. THEN I’M BLASTING MY WAY IN!

Confessional
Caption SNAPE: (Stares into the camera with a disdainful look. He pulls out a flask and takes a drink.)

RON: One, two, three, four, five I’M NOT EVEN JOKING six, seven . . .

(Sound of a flush comes from inside the room. SNAPE flings the door open with his wand raised in one hand, holding a bottle of mouthwash in the other.)

SNAPE: You cannot be serious.


(Scene: Common Room. HARRY and LUNA sit while RON paces.

TONKS: (Coming down the stairs) What a night!

RON: (anxiously) How’s HERMIONE?

TONKS: She’s gone to bed. Said something about smothering herself with her pillow.

LUNA: (vaguely) She’s not even going to say goodbye?

RON: But didn’t she want to see me?

HARRY: C’mon, mate. Think about how she must be feeling.

TONKS: He’s right. It’s nothing personal. She just needs a bit of time to herself to, er, get over it.

LUNA: (sagely) It would never have worked. He’s much too old for her.

(TONKS, HARRY, and RON stare at her for a beat, the idea too hideous to contemplate.)

HARRY: Right. Any idea who gave her the potion?

RON: Oh, come on, HARRY. There’s only one person in this house that would do something like that. And he better watch out.

HARRY: Yes, because that well aimed Aguamenti really was about to do SNAPE in.

RON: Oh, shut it, HARRY. I could have drowned him with that, you know.

HARRY: Maybe, if you had even come close to hitting him, that is.

TONKS: And if he hadn’t have managed to disarm you without even uttering a spell.

RON: SNAPE and his bloody non-verbals.

HARRY: What are you talking about? He just reached out and took your wand from your hand.

RON: Shut it, HARRY.





(Scene: Later that night, SNAPE’s room. LUCIUS MALFOY is there, looking ragged and worn out.)

Caption LUCIUS MALFOY, Azkaban resident: I have very little time, SNAPE. Those prison guards won’t be fooled for long.

SNAPE: Didn’t you follow my directions precisely? You were to do exactly as Black did! Turn into your Animagus and slip through the bars! Did you not replace yourself with the identical duck?

LUCIUS: (Caught in a fit of coughing but strangely looking as if he were about to laugh) Of course I did! It’s still only a matter of time before they realize I’m missing!

SNAPE: Very well. I have a plan about which even the Dark Lord knows not.

LUCIUS: I’m listening.

SNAPE: (Waves his wand and a bottle appears) Take this back to prison with you. Wash your hair with it.

LUCIUS: Wash my hair? You can’t be serious!

SNAPE: (Snaps at him.) Of course I’m serious! I’ve been perfecting the recipe for years! It is finally ready. We sell this to wizard and muggle alike! Soon the world will be ours!

LUCIUS: You plan to take over the world using . . .

SNAPE: Hair products. Yes. (Folds his fingers menacingly together and smiles an utterly evil sneer.)


Episode 5 Teaser

Scene: Bathroom, dead of night.

DRACO: (Murmurs unintelligibly with a look of enormous concentration. He studies a book by wand light. Stumbles over some words as a creaking in the hall makes him jump just as he sends a jet of light to something out of frame. Several moments tick by in silence as he strains to hear if someone is about.) Finally. Nox. Well, that ought to teach him a lesson. Wingardium leviosa! (Something small and indistinguishable floats into view. DRACO peeks out the bathroom door and then proceeds into the hall on tiptoe.)


****
A/N Where did October go? Sorry we've been such sluggards. We really will try to do better and post the next episode in a more timely fashion. As always, we appreciate you reading and hope you will laugh and enjoy! It's fall, so pumpkin pasties to all who leave reviews. Feedback!

HP's Real World: Hogsmeade

EPISODE FIVE: DOWN THE TUBES

INTRO:

(Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.)

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”


(Scene: Early morning, hallway next to HERMIONE’s bedroom.)

RON: (Knocking on the door.) Come on, HERMIONE, let me in. It’s all right, you know. SNAPE knew it was a love potion straight off!

HERMIONE: (Loud sob) Then WHY didn’t he say something about it sooner instead of letting me go around all day in love with him!

RON: Maybe he liked the attention?

Confessional
Caption SNAPE: Do they honestly think that no one can hear them? We live in a shack with missing walls, for Merlin’s sake!

HERMIONE: (Still sniffling.) I think I’ll just go into work. Get an early start.

RON: You will meet us at the Three Broomsticks for tea, won’t you? (HERMIONE exits the room without giving him a response.)

(Scene: Kitchen, later that morning.)

RON: Has anyone seen MALFOY?

HARRY: (In between bites of cereal) No, mate. Probably afraid to show his face.

LUNA: Why? Was he hiding it?

MALFOY: (From the hall) What do you want, WEASEL?

RON: (Face turning beet red) You have some nerve, MALFOY, showing up here this morning.

MALFOY: I live here, too, don’t I? Give me that box. (Holds his hand out for HARRY to give him a box of cereal. HARRY ignores him.) Fine. Accio Cereal! (Cereal box flies to his open hand. MALFOY gives HARRY a satisfied smirk.)

RON: You’ll pay for that, MALFOY.

MALFOY: For what? Wanting my breakfast?

Confessional
Caption MALFOY: I don’t really want to eat it; it’s garbage. I’ll have an elf whip me up an egg later. I just want the toy. I’m collecting the Kenmare Kestrals team. I’m only missing Dessler.

RON: You know perfectly well what I’m talking about.

MALFOY: (Ignores RON, rifles through the cereal box) Where is it?

HARRY: Where is what?

MALFOY: The Quidditch player. (Eyes HARRY suspiciously.) You already took it out, didn’t you? (Whips out his wand.)

HARRY: MALFOY, I don’t play with toys. And you should really put yours away.

MALFOY: (Ignoring HARRY’s quip.) LIAR! You’ve got it, and it’s the one I need!

RON: (Under his breath to HARRY) I think he’s finally lost it. Better just give it to him.

HARRY: (Getting more annoyed) I don’t have the stupid toy!

LUNA: Perhaps he got tired of waiting and flew away.

MALFOY: YOU took it, then? (Turns his wand on her.)

LUNA: (Blinks) Me? Why would I want it? It’s contaminated.

MALFOY: I get it! It’s some kind of “teach MALFOY a lesson” ploy! Well you’re not getting away with it!

HARRY: Get a grip, MALFOY. We didn’t take your precious toy. Wish I had, though.

MALFOY: Oh, you just wait, POTTER! Rictusempre!

HARRY: (Overtaken by a serious tickling attack.) MALFOY! HAHAHAHAHA! I’m gonna . . .HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Get you! AAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHA!

(MALFOY suddenly stands and Apparates out of the room.)

RON: Finite Incantatem! Honestly, he’s a bit scary. All this over a toy.

HARRY: Pass me that box, LUNA, please? (LUNA hands it to him. HARRY dumps the entire contents of the cereal out onto the counter and stares incredulously at the miniature Quidditch Player trying to get out of the cellophane wrapping.) I can’t believe it. The bloody thing was in here the entire time. (He picks it up and opens it.) Oh, look! It’s Dessler!

(MALFOY enters from the hall.)

MALFOY: Hand it here, POTTER. You don’t even like the toy surprises. (HARRY chucks it at MALFOY and hits him squarely between the eyes. MALFOY goes down on the floor with a whimper.) HEY! (His eyes start to smart.) What was that for?

RON: (shakes head in disgust and steps on MALFOY’s hand on his way out of the kitchen) I’m going to finish getting ready for work.

Confessional
Caption HARRY: (mimicking MALFOY) What was that for? MALFOY’S got some nerve. Toy surprises. I’ll give him a surprise one of these days.

Caption MALFOY: (a red welt between his streaming eyes) POTTER’S completely mental. Acts like he’s so special. It’s about time he learned to respect his betters.

(Scene: Dervish and Bangs, mid-morning.)

(TONKS admires herself in one of the mirrors, which seems to be trembling.)

TONKS: Uncanny. I thought it would be good for a laugh, but look at the shine!

MIRROR: Yes, M-m-miss. Your l-lavender hair is quite am-m-musing. Now don’t you have some p-p-pillows to look after?

TONKS: Oh, stop shaking. I haven’t broken you in two days, have I? (She morphs her hair longer, past her shoulders) I could finally wear my hair long. Isn’t it smooth and shiny?

MIRROR: L-l-lovely, Miss.

TONKS: (pleased) Thank you! Now off to those pillows you mentioned. (She turns away, sidestepping around the mirror.)

MIRROR: Whew!

(TONKS trips over a hat stand which falls straight into the mirror. CRASH!)

MIRROR: NOOO!

TONKS: Bugger.

(Scene: Three Broomsticks. HARRY and RON are sitting at a table. HERMIONE enters.)

HERMIONE: What a morning!

HARRY: Feeling better?

HERMIONE: Better? (Gives him a quizzical look.) Oh! Oh, yes. I’m feeling much better.

RON: That’s good, anyways.

HERMIONE: Something really ought to be done about MALFOY.
RON: We aren’t allowed.

HERMIONE: Not a curse, RON. Dumbledore has to know what he’s done! We have to tell him that MALFOY gave HER. . .me a love potion! I wonder what his point was.

HARRY: (Narrows his eyes at her.) Are you sure you’re feeling better?

HERMIONE: (Shrugs him off.) Yes, yes. Of course, I’m fine. It has got me to thinking, though. (She shifts her gaze to RON.)

RON: What?

HERMIONE: Why don’t you ever ask me out?

RON: We’re out here, aren’t we?

HERMIONE: You know what I mean, RON. Out on a date.

RON: (Turning beet red) Without HARRY?

HARRY: (Chokes on butterbeer) I don’t want to go on a date with you, RON.

HERMIONE: (Rolls her eyes.) Yes, without HARRY. Eventually you’ll have to venture out without him. (RON gulps.) Oh, honestly! Let’s go out tonight, RON. Madam Puddifoot’s, seven o’clock. Oh! I’ve got to get back to work!

HARRY: You just got here. You could at least grab a bite.

HERMIONE: I’m not really hungry, and I’ve just started a massive display for the store that I need to finish. I’ll see you after work! (Blows RON a kiss and scurries out the door.)

HARRY: She’s acting very weird.

RON: That’s because she’s mental. Hey, HARRY, can I borrow some knuts?

(Scene: Shrieking Shack, later that evening.)

LUNA: You look lovely, RON.

RON: Er, thanks, LUNA. I guess. Have you seen HERMIONE?

LUNA: No, but I haven’t been looking. Did you check her room?

RON: Yes. (Runs his hand through his hair in frustration.) It was her bloody idea! (Just then the door opens, and HERMIONE bustles in with a parcel, studying a paper floating magically in front of her as she walks in.) About bloody time! Are you ready?

HERMIONE: Sorry? Ready for what?

RON: We’re going out!

HERMIONE: All of us?

RON: HERMIONE! On a date!

HERMIONE: Oh! A date! (Excitedly) Just us? Sounds wonderful! (RON stares at her with his eyes wide open.) Let me just drop this in my room.

LUNA: What do you have there?

HERMIONE: Oh, just a project for work.

LUNA: It’s wonderful they let you take the candy home to test it.

HERMIONE: Oh, no. It’s not candy; I’ve made a diagram of the store so that I can rearrange the displays for a more efficient shopping experience. I’d like to organize it by confection types: Nougat, Gums, Chocolates, Truffles, Exploding, you know. Get it all organized to make it easier to find.

RON: I’ve never had trouble finding what I wanted in Honeydukes.

Confessional
Caption RON: Honestly. She really is mental! She’s the one who set this date up, and now she’s acting like she can’t even remember! I think that love potion had something else in it. I wonder if SNAPE has any of it left. He probably threw it away, the git.

(Scene: Madam Puddifoot’s. SNAPE greets them.)

SNAPE: What are you doing here?

HERMIONE: We’re on a date. (She blushes.)

SNAPE: They let you out in public. Aren’t we the lucky ones. . .

RON: What’s good here, anyways?

SNAPE: (A beat) The walls are pink.

RON: (In a moment of brotherly camaraderie with SNAPE) You have a point.

HERMIONE: I’ll have the Lovely Loving Lilac Tea and a cucumber sandwich, please.

RON: What do you recommend?

SNAPE: Another restaurant.

RON: I’ll just have a pumpkin juice and the chicken.

SNAPE: Excellent choice.

(They watch in silence as SNAPE goes into the kitchen area.)

RON: You don’t think he’d poison our drinks, do you?

HERMIONE: Well . . . maybe we should test it first.

RON: Right. Let’s summon a house-elf to taste it.

HERMIONE: RONALD WEASLEY!


(Scene: Bathroom, dead of night.)

DRACO: (Murmurs unintelligibly with a look of enormous concentration. He studies a book by wand light. Stumbles over some words as a creaking in the hall makes him jump just as he sends a jet of light to something out of frame. Several moments tick by in silence as he strains to hear if someone is about.) Finally. Nox. Well, that ought to teach him a lesson. Wingardium leviosa! (Something small and indistinguishable floats through the frame. DRACO peeks out the bathroom door, and then proceeds into the hall on tiptoe. He guides the object down the hall and pauses outside a door. Easing it open a crack, he sends the floating object through the door, and in the moonlight, we see a pair of wire rimmed glasses.) That ought to teach you. (DRACO yawns suddenly and heads for the stairs.) I need some sleep.


(Scene: RON and HARRY’s bedroom, dawn.)

(RON tosses restlessly then finally throws back the covers with a sigh).

RON: (muttering) No more pumpkin juice right before bed. (Trudges to the bathroom in put-upon fashion.)

(Close-up on closed bathroom door. The sound of flushing and an aborted yelp sound from within, followed by silence. The camera man reaches out to open the door, and the video equipment goes blank.)

(Scene: A bathroom in Pretoria, South Africa, a moment later.)

RON: AAAAAUUUUURGH!

(The sound of softly shuffling feet come into the bathroom as RON whimpers in the bathroom stall. He sees white bunny slippers. The door creaks slowly open, and RON is exposed on the toilet, staring at VOLDEMORT who has his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth with toothpaste foam giving him a rabid look. VOLDEMORT pauses for an instant and reaches around for his wand, grabbing his toothbrush out of his mouth instead.)

Caption VOLDEMORT (aka The Dark Lord, aka the Heir of Slytherin, aka Tom Marvolo Riddle, aka He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named): (toothpaste foam flying everywhere) ABWADA KADABWA!

(RON whimpers, and quickly reaches behind and flushes the toilet again. Then the bathroom door at the Shrieking Shack crashes open and RON sprawls on the hall floor yelling.)

RON: AAUURGH!

(SNAPE’S door opens first)

SNAPE: What is the meaning of this infernal racket, WEASLEY?

RON: (gasps and looks around wildly as the occupants of the other rooms spill into the hall) He’s back, and he has bloody nasty teeth!

TONKS: (curiously) Who’s back?

RON: HIM! You-Know-Who!

HARRY and SNAPE: (sharply) What?!

TONKS: (Drawing her wand, suddenly very auror-ish and businesslike) Where?

(RON points to the bathroom and everyone pauses, exchanging meaningful looks.)

SNAPE: (coldly) You raised us from our beds for a nightmare?

LUNA: (peering into the bathroom) I don’t see anyone.

HERMIONE: (kneeling next to RON) Maybe you should start from the beginning, RONALD.

RON: (taking a deep breath and babbling slightly) You know all that pumpkin juice I drank last night? I had rather a lot of it…

LUNA: (sad sigh) I really wanted that pumpkin juice with breakfast.

HERMIONE: Shush, LUNA. Go on, RON.

RON: So I woke up because I, er, had to go. I didn’t want to get up, mind. I just couldn’t, um…

SNAPE: (clipped) Get. To. The. Point.

RON: (hurriedly) So I went in the loo, right? And when I flushed, everything started to spin.

LUNA: That sounds normal.

RON: And suddenly I wasn’t in the Shack anymore.

HARRY: (alarmed) Where were you?

RON: In You-Know-Who’s toilet!

TONKS: (skeptically) How’d you know that?

RON: (exploding) He was brushing his teeth! And they were scary, let me tell you-

SNAPE: That is a ridiculous story. If it were true, you wouldn’t be back with us now.

RON: (hotly) I barely escaped! He tried to kill me!

HERMIONE: (Gasp)

SNAPE: Then why aren’t you dead?

RON: He used his toothbrush instead of his wand. To be honest, I don’t think he was quite awake. (Shaking his head) Anyway, I flushed the toilet, it brought me back, and now I’m talking to you lot.

(Silence for several beats. Then, as one, everyone peers into the bathroom.)

TONKS: (to SNAPE) Who d’you think the Portkey was meant for?

HARRY: I think we all know that.

SNAPE: (steepling fingers together) I agree. What is most troubling to me is who made the Portkey. That is very advanced magic.

HARRY: You can’t be serious! I think it’s pretty obvious who did it by his absence!

HERMIONE: HARRY, PROFESSOR SNAPE is right. This magic is well beyond N.E.W.T. level.

LUNA: Oh, I thought you decided you didn’t love PROFESSOR SNAPE anymore. When did you change your mind?

HERMIONE, TONKS, HARRY, RON: Shush, LUNA!

(The camera wobbles a bit.)

Caption: SKIP, Camera man F, SKIP: (timidly) Hey, um, where’s Ed?

SNAPE: (Turns to face the camera that is still a little shaky) Who is Ed?

SKIP: Camera man D. Night shift.

(The group of witches and wizards look at each other, not daring to speak the obvious.)

HERMIONE: He must have been sucked away with Ron. Maybe stood too close to the Portkey?

SNAPE: If the incantation wasn’t performed correctly, it is quite possible.

HARRY: That means he’s . . .

LUNA: Oh, dear.

END EPISODE

Episode 6 Teaser

(Scene: Kitchen of Shrieking Shack. LUNA and HERMIONE busy themselves making breakfast.)

LUNA: I’ve heard that pancakes can cause nasty boils.

HERMIONE: Of course, not LUNA. They’re breakfast.

LUNA: What do you do with the eggs?

HERMIONE: Crack them and put them in the bowl, we’ll stir them up into the batter. Trust me, you’re going to love tasting something you’ve made like a Muggle!

LUNA: (Eyes the egg sadly) And we’ve only just met . . .

(HERMIONE is saved from having to reply as TONKS enters the kitchen, drying her hair with the tip of her wand.)

LUNA: Oh, Tonks! You look lovely!

HERMIONE: (Scrutinizing TONKS.) You’re hair looks different, aside from the unnatural shade of blue.

(SNAPE almost enters the kitchen but stays in the entry way when he hears them talking about hair. Curiosity gets the better of him and he stays put.)

TONKS: I’ve tried a new shampoo. It’s so luxurious! My hair has never felt so smooth. Watch this! (She shakes her head back and forth, causing the hair to lift gently from her head as if she’s in a commercial for hair product. She changes the color from blue to green to red to purple to orange and back to blue.) Then it just goes perfectly back to the way I styled it! Someone could take over the world with this stuff!

(Camera zooms in on SNAPE’s face as his eyes narrow dangerously. He turns and his robes swish back down the hall in a hurry.)

Confessional
SNAPE: (Sniffing a bottle of hair product from his room.) Interesting. Very interesting.

***

A/N: Thank you for reading! Please, please, please (begging much?) leave us some feedback! We hope you enjoyed!

HP’s Real World: Hogsmeade

EPISODE SIX: WHO’S THAT WITCH?

INTRO:

(Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.)

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”


Scene: Kitchen of Shrieking Shack. LUNA and HERMIONE busy themselves making breakfast.

LUNA: I’ve heard that pancakes can cause nasty boils.

HERMIONE: Of course not, LUNA. They’re breakfast.

LUNA: What do you do with the eggs?

HERMIONE: Crack them and put them in the bowl, we’ll stir them up into the batter. Trust me; you’re going to love tasting something you’ve made like a Muggle!

LUNA: But what about the chicks?

(HERMIONE is saved from having to reply as TONKS enters the kitchen, drying her hair with the tip of her wand.)

LUNA: Oh, TONKS! You look lovely!

HERMIONE: (Scrutinizing TONKS.) Your hair looks different, aside from the unnatural shade of blue.

(SNAPE almost enters the kitchen but stays in the entry way when he hears them talking about hair. Curiosity gets the better of him and he stays put.)

TONKS: I’ve tried a new shampoo. It’s so luxurious! My hair has never felt so smooth. Watch this! (She shakes her head back and forth, causing the hair to lift gently from her head as if she’s in a commercial for hair product. She changes the color from blue to green to red to purple to orange and back to blue.) Then it just goes perfectly back to the way I styled it! Someone could take over the world with this stuff!

(Camera zooms in on SNAPE’s face as his eyes narrow dangerously, and he swishes back down the hall in a hurry.)

Confessional
Caption SNAPE: (Sniffing a bottle of hair product from his room.) Interesting. Very interesting.


Scene: A rarely used closet of Zonko’s Joke Shop.

MALFOY: (Reaches up and grabs a few hairs out of his head.) Here. This ought to hold you for a while. I can’t believe you need more already! You’re not supposed to drink it for kicks, you know.

Caption GREGORY GOYLE, One of Draco’s Minions: This wasn’t our idea. You taste like sauerkraut.

MALFOY: Don’t get snippy with me, GOYLE. If you want your reward, you’ll do as you’re told. CRABBE isn’t nearly so fussy. Maybe I should just give him your share?

GOYLE: All right, all right. (Takes the hair, drops it in the flask he’s holding, swirls it around and takes a drink. Within seconds, his body shoots downward, his face bubbles until it is a duplicate of Draco’s.)

MALFOY: That’s better. Don’t mess anything up today, either. I want to win those tickets.

(The Duplicate Malfoy walks out of the closet and starts to work dusting the shelves of Zonko’s.)

Confessional in the Zonko’s Closet:
Caption MALFOY: It’s an ingenious little plan, isn’t it? Why should I do any work when I’ve got those two scraping for crumbs under my table. All I had to do was promise them some of the merchandise. It’s easy enough to nick when no one’s watching. Especially when they think I’m working behind the counter! (Kicks his feet up and props them on an overturned box.) It’s been such hard work, I think I’ll rest my eyes for a bit before I meet with Pansy.


Scene: Honeydukes. HERMIONE is busily levitating a stack of sweet boxes across the room.

MRS. FLUME: HERMIONE, dear, where are you putting those?

HERMIONE: Just color coordinating the boxes for the moment.

MRS. FLUME: But that’s full of our own fudge, dear, and we’d really like it to be kept closer to our work area. The children like to see how it is made, after all.

HERMIONE: Yes, I was thinking about that actually. Do you really think it’s sanitary to make the fudge out here where it’s exposed to . . . well, everything? Perhaps it would be better to move it behind closed glass or something?

MRS. FLUME: We’ve done it this way for centuries, dear. It’s tradition. Please return the boxes to the counter.

HERMIONE: (Stares at her stubbornly.) I really think that these boxes would do well by the nougat pyramid.

MRS. FLUME: Nougat Pyramid? We don’t have a nougat pyramid!

HERMIONE: Of course we do! It’s right by the color coordinated licorice wands. (Turns to continue on with her arranging.)

MRS. FLUME: (Flips out her wand and magically grabs the stack of boxes.) Now wait just a moment. These boxes of fudge must remain by the fudge station. We cannot go rearranging the entire store into color selections and flavors and smells.

HERMIONE: (Not about to let go of those boxes.) But it’s already done, MRS. FLUME! I’ve been staying after to organize it all! It makes things so much more efficient!

MRS. FLUME: (Struggling a bit with trying to get control of the boxes.) MISS GRANGER, I must ask you to release the fudge. It stays were we put it.

HERMIONE: (Digs her heels in to the ground.) You must believe that efficiency is best, surely!

MRS. FLUME: I think not! (She flourishes her wand, Hermione loses her balance, the boxes go flying, and the fudge rains from the ceiling – spilling onto them, the floor, the other merchandise, and onto customers.)

HERMIONE: (Mouth agog for a moment in disbelief. She gathers herself, stands up, and looks at the chaos.) I think I’ll take my break now.

MRS. FLUME: I think that is a great idea, dear.

Scene: Gladrags Wizardwear

(LUNA hums as she sets up a display of necklaces with odd charms and a hand-painted sign advertising them for 3 sickles apiece.)

CUSTOMER: Excuse me, Miss.

LUNA: You need new robes.

CUSTOMER: Well, yes-

LUNA: We have some lovely chartreuse robes.

CUSTOMER: No, just black please. I need work robes.

LUNA: Where do you work?

CUSTOMER: At the Daily Prophet. I’m a copy editor.

LUNA: (eyes narrowing almost imperceptibly) Perhaps puce would be better.

CUSTOMER: No. Just black.

LUNA: Please stand on the riser.

CUSTOMER: Thank you.

LUNA: (bewitching the tape measure to take measurements) So, is the Prophet reporting news again?

CUSTOMER: (sputtering) Excuse me?

LUNA: Oh, you know. (Tucking fabric and fastening it with pins pulled from the loose knot in her hair) Like the time you reprinted that interview from The Quibbler with Harry Potter?

CUSTOMER: Reprinting The Quibbler?!

LUNA: Perhaps you’d like some other ideas?

CUSTOMER: (Checks his watch) No, really. I’d like to have my robes.

LUNA: It’s no trouble. I have some suggestions. Perhaps you ought to look into the uses for the Crumpled Horned Snorcack’s droppings. They’re quite useful. My dad says that they enhance even the most miniscule presence of magic when taken daily in tea. Perhaps you’d like the documentation?

CUSTOMER: Crumpled Snort Cackhorn? Yes, yes . . . (looking around) My robes?

LUNA: (Lazily flicks her wand) Right here. (The customer puts takes them and puts them on, not bothering to look in the mirror. “The Quibbler” is stitched onto the back of his robes in chartreuse.) Have a lovely day!

Confessional
Caption LUNA: I wanted to give him that little something special. I think this will help him stand out in the crowd.

Scene: Street of Hogsmeade. Harry, Hermione, and Ron are on lunch break, walking to the Three Broomsticks.

RON: I promised Fred that I’d pick up something for him from Zonko’s. Mind if I nip in for a second?

HERMIONE: I’ll come with you. Coming, HARRY?

HARRY: Nah. I’ll just go on ahead and get us a table and some butterbeers.

RON: You sure, mate? I thought you wanted to get the –

HARRY: (Louder) No! I mean, if you want to price things for me, that’s fine. (HERMIONE narrows her eyes at them.)

RON: (shrugs) All right, then. We’ll meet you in a bit.

Confessional
Caption HARRY: It’s not that we don’t want HERMIONE to know, but we just figure the less in on it the better. I have something big planned for MALFOY. Thank goodness RON has some family connections.

HERMIONE: What was that all about?

RON: It’s nothing. Harry’s just got some special items he’s looking for.

HERMIONE: And what special items could he be wanting?

RON: Don’t worry about it, HERMIONE. He’ll tell you when he’s ready.

HERMIONE: RONALD—

RON: Just drop it, okay?

HERMIONE: Fine. Here we are. MALFOY’s over there.

RON: Oh, perfect. That’s where I need to go. Fred and George want to test out their Popping Pops next to the Exploding Dungbombs.

HERMIONE: Exploding?

RON: (Opens the door for HERMIONE) Yeah. It’s a new line. I’m supposed to buy 50 for them. Market research, they said.

MALFOY/GOYLE: What are you lot doing here?

RON: Paying your salary, what do you think?

MALFOY/GOYLE: You guys get paid for this?

Confessional
Caption RON: Is he crazy? Has he been tuning in? No one’s getting paid for this. Git.

RON: Of course we are. Pretty good pay, too.

MALFOY/GOYLE: Aren’t you supposed to be working, then?

HERMIONE: We’re on our lunch break.

MALFOY/GOYLE: You get breaks! (Turns toward the back of the store.) MALFOY!

HERMIONE: (Eyes pop open) I don’t believe it.

RON: What?

HERMIONE: Come on, RON, I’ll tell you later when I’m sure.

Scene: The Three Broomsticks, midday.

(DRACO enters only to be pounced upon by a girl with short dark hair and snogged within an inch of his life. Moments later, cozily ensconced at a table for two…)

Caption PANSY PARKINSON, DRACO’S girlfriend: DRACO, I’ve missed you so much! Is it horrible having to live in that shack with POTTER, WEASLEY, and the Mudblood?

DRACO: Oh, you have no idea. It’s all I can do to be in the same room with them. They act like they’re in charge, ordering everyone around.

PANSY: (appalled) You don’t have to share a room with them, do you?

DRACO: (giving her a strange look) Of course not. You saw my room when you came for dinner.

PANSY: (blinking in surprise, then narrowing her eyes suspiciously) What do you mean? I haven’t been to visit. What dinner? And who have you been taking to your room?

DRACO: Is this some kind of joke? You know, the dinner party where you were being all stand-offish and my mother came in and interrupted us...and then you cursed me?

PANSY: (darkly) I think I would remember something like that. And when have I ever been ‘stand-offish’?

DRACO: (Pauses, puzzled. Gears turn, and suddenly he pales.) GAAH!

PANSY: (alarmed) What’s wrong, DRACO?

DRACO: (running for the Little Boys’ Room) Blech! She’s my cousin!

PANSY: I most certainly am not your cousin! (softer) I don’t think.


Scene: Early evening, Common Room.

(RON, HARRY and LUNA sit listening to HERMIONE relate her tale of woe.)

HERMIONE: Honestly, I can’t believe how unreasonable MRS. FLUME was. The system I set up would make shopping so much easier for their customers. She actually put me on the till for the rest of the day!

HARRY: (exchanging a glance with RON) But you asked them before you started reorganizing, right? I wonder why she got so upset.

HERMIONE: (cheeks going slightly pink) Well, not in so many words. They liked how I ran things. They left me in charge of the shop sometimes. They trusted me!

RON: Not to change everything! Last time I was in, I couldn’t find the Droobles.

HERMIONE: (glaring) Then obviously your eyes weren’t open, RONALD. They were plainly displayed on the second shelf in the “Chewy” section.

(The door opens and TONKS enters)

TONKS: Wotcher! All right, everyone?

RON: All right. Break anything today?

TONKS: (cheerfully) Only a teapot. The owner didn’t even charge me! He’s started putting up Shield Charms as I walk the aisles.

HERMIONE: Doesn’t that make it difficult to help customers?

(A sudden blur of black whooshes down the stairs, startling everyone speechless. The blur resolves itself into SNAPE.)

SNAPE: TONKS.

TONKS: SNAPE.

SNAPE: (meaningfully) Your hair is looking unusually…spectacular.

RON: (jaw drops)

HARRY: Did SNAPE just compliment her?

HERMIONE: (worriedly) Oh no…

TONKS: (casually) Thanks. Just a wash and condition now and then. Nothing special.

SNAPE: (eyes narrowing) Really. (Circles her, taking a whiff of her hair as he passes.) You have something that belongs to me.

TONKS: (rolls her eyes) Fine. I tried out your hair potion. At least you can see the results right away.

SNAPE: That is the only reason I’m not jinxing you where you stand.

RON: (strangling laughter) Hair potion? SNAPE makes hair potion?

SNAPE: (ignoring RON) But what would everyone say if they knew the depths of your treachery?

HARRY: Well, you’re a fine one to talk about “treachery”.

LUNA: Wells also have great depths.

SNAPE: Silence, POTTER. TONKS has been impersonating other people.

RON: So? She’s an Auror. Bloody useful to be a metamorph.

HERMIONE: (automatically) Metamorphmagus.

SNAPE: (glaring indiscriminately) Idiots. She has been impersonating others in this house.

RON: (scoffing) Like who?

LUNA: PANSY PARKINSON, LUCIUS MALFOY, DRACO-

HARRY: LUCIUS MALFOY?! What was he supposed to be doing here? I bet DRACO-

RON: (dawning comprehension) Hang on! It was you at the Three Broomsticks that asked me to take you out, not HERMIONE!

HERMIONE: What?!

TONKS: (grinning unrepentantly) It got the two of you on a date, didn’t it?

HERMIONE: (rounding on RON) You only took me out because TONKS told you to?

RON: I thought it was you!

HERMIONE: Have you no backbone at all?

HARRY: (paling suddenly) Uh, TONKS? You didn’t impersonate Ginny, did you?

TONKS: (winking) No, I played PANSY that night.

HARRY: Whew. Wait! Were you SIRIUS?

LUNA: I find her to be serious.

HARRY: No, no. I mean SIRIUS.

LUNA: I am being serious, HARRY.

TONKS: That was fun.

RON: I thought he was dead. . .

SNAPE: This is all beside the point. TONKS, you will cease and desist these childish pranks at once.

TONKS: All right then. (shrugging) It’s no fun once you figure it out anyway.

LUNA: I thought it was fun.

TONKS: (curiously) How did you always know, LUNA?

(The door slams open and DRACO enters, winded and red in the face.)

DRACO: (pointing accusingly) TONKS has been impersonating people!

RON: (yawning) Old news, MALFOY. Anyway, she’s not doing it anymore.

DRACO: (bewildered) But she pretended to be-

SNAPE: It’s over, DRACO.

HERMIONE: (in a somewhat forced calm voice) Shall we have dinner? (She exits the room rather hurriedly, no one following, and heads away from the kitchen, but no one seems to notice.)

LUNA: (brightening) Can we have pudding?


Scene: Outside, dusk.

RON: What’s so important that you had to drag us all the way out here?

HERMIONE: It’s important that we’re not overheard.

HARRY: What’s going on?

HERMIONE: When RON and I went to Zonko’s MALFOY called himself from the back room.

RON: He did?

HERMIONE: (exasperated) Do you pay attention to anything going on around you?

HARRY: What was he playing at?

HERMIONE: It was probably Crabbe or Goyle. MALFOY’s made Polyjuice Potion. I checked in his room—which you should see, by the way; It’s huge and gorgeous! He had a tray of phials full of it. I bet he’s been taking off work for days.

RON: That rotten cheat!

HARRY: Something’s got to be done about him. Let’s get back to the Shrieking Shack.


END EPISODE

Episode 7 Teaser

Scene: Kitchen, morning. DRACO walks in, blond hair sticking out at odd angles, green robe hanging open to reveal ducky pajamas. Housemates sit around the breakfast table with grim faces.

DRACO: (uneasily) So… who died?

HARRY: No one. Yet. Have you decided what you want on your tombstone?

LUNA: Ooh! It’s not everyday you get to write your own epitaph! I would like mine to say “Once I wasn’t, Then I was, Now I am no more.”


A/N: Okay, we know it's been a long time since we updated. Sorry for the long delay. With no major holidays in the offing we should be more timely! Remember that month where we updated twice? Seriously, thanks for sticking with us!

*Luna’s epitaph paraphrased from: http://www.webpanda.com/ponder/epitaphs.htm


Please leave feedback!

HP’s Real World: Hogsmeade

Episode 7: Baptism by Firewhiskey

(Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.)

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”


Scene: Midmorning, Shrieking Shack common room.

HARRY: What did you tell HERMIONE?

RON: I just made something up.

HARRY: Wasn’t she concerned about you not going to work?

RON: Well, yeah. It is HERMIONE. I told her that I had some errands to run for the shop. Ink to mail and such.

HARRY: And she bought that?

RON: I guess so. She kind of shook her head and left. At least she didn’t pester me about it.

HARRY: All right. Let’s get on with it. (They move to Draco’s closet door.) Alohomora. (The door creaks open and they enter slowly, repeatedly checking behind them to make sure no one was in the house.)

RON: Look at this place! He’s got a four poster!

HARRY: And a private bath.

RON: This can’t be right. Isn’t there a rule or something?

HARRY: I don’t think so. Wouldn’t Dumbledore have said if we weren’t allowed to alter our living quarters?

RON: Still, I’m looking over the contract when we’re finished. I’m sure this isn’t allowed. MALFOY’s been getting away with too much. Something’s got to be done about him, and Bob’s your uncle!

HARRY: I know. Let’s have a meeting while he’s out with Pansy after work.

RON: How do you know he’s going out with Pansy?

HARRY: (He picks up a piece of parchment from the walnut roll-top desk and hands it to RON). Says so on his schedule.

RON: MALFOY keeps a schedule? (sniggers) It’s not like his life is that full. Be a git. Go to work. Slack off in the closet. Be a git. Snog Pansy. That pretty much covers it, don’t you think?

HARRY: Let’s just get on with it.

(They sneak over to the bed, pull the sheets off, sprinkle something all over the mattress, and carefully make the crisp satin sheets again. They make sure nothing is out of place and sneak out, locking the door behind them.)

Scene: Late afternoon. All house members except for DRACO are sitting in the common room.

SNAPE: This had better be important, POTTER.

HARRY: It is important. (Looks at everyone.) Right. The thing is that MALFOY seems to be getting away with a lot of things around here.

SNAPE: You have called a meeting because of some silly little schoolboy grudge you hold with MALFOY? I should have expected nothing better from you.

HARRY: It’s not a silly grudge, SNAPE. You’ve seen what he’s been up to as well as I have, and it’s got to stop. You yelled at TONKS for impersonating people; are we just going to turn our eyes to the fact that MALFOY’s turned the toilet into a Portkey, brewed a love potion, and has been using Polyjuice to avoid work?

SNAPE: (Silent for a moment.) I could speak to him. Convince him to see the error of his ways. (A sneer plays at the corner of his mouth.)

TONKS: Woah there, SNAPE. We can’t torture him into submission!

HERMIONE: I don’t think Professor SNAPE was speaking of torture, were you? (Snape folds his arms across his chest and sinks back into his chair, a scowl etched on his angular features.) You were?

TONKS: Of course he was. He is a Death Eater, after all.

LUNA: And it might not be obvious, but I don’t think he even likes children. Odd for a teacher, don’t you think?

Confessional
Caption SNAPE: (Whips a flask from his robes and proceeds to down the whole of its contents.)

SNAPE: (A dangerous light glowing in his eyes) It would be in your best interest to put your focus back on MALFOY.

RON: (Rather squeakily) What can we do?

HARRY: We’ll have to get Dumbledore involved.

TONKS: I think we should try an intervention first. Confront him about it, you know?

HERMIONE: That could work.

HARRY: We’ll do it in the morning, then. Tomorrow’s Sunday, so no one has to work. Well, I guess SNAPE does since Madame Puddifoot’s is open.

Confessional
Caption SNAPE: (Throws the first flask on the floor and takes out another. Drinks a bit and scowls into the camera.)

LUNA: Oh, I love a good intervention. It goes so well with tea.






Scene: Kitchen, morning. DRACO walks in, blond hair sticking out at odd angles, green robe hanging open to reveal ducky pajamas. Housemates sit around the breakfast table with grim faces.

DRACO: (uneasily, scratching his shoulder) So… who died?

HARRY: No one. Yet. Have you decided what you want on your tombstone?

LUNA: Ooh! It’s not everyday you get to write your own epitaph! I would like mine to say “Once I wasn’t, Then I was, Now I am no more.”

HERMIONE: Ahem. It has become rather obvious that you aren’t willing to…coexist peacefully with the rest of us, DRACO.

DRACO: Who said you could use my first name, MUDBLOOD? (Scratches his legs.)

(RON bristles, but TONKS beats him to it.)

TONKS: (twirling wand casually in her fingers) Use that filthy word again and you won’t speak for the rest of the time we’re in the Shrieking Shack.

DRACO: What’s this all about? (turns to SNAPE, scratching an ear) Sir?

SNAPE: Did you or did you not turn the toilet into a Portkey?

DRACO: (defensively) How would I know how to do that? (Scratches his nose.)

HARRY: (sarcastically) Maybe because you’re a Death Eater and the Portkey went straight to Voldemort’s toilet?

DRACO: (sitting abruptly in a kitchen chair) I sent- I mean, it went to his toilet?

TONKS: (rolling her eyes) Thanks for saving the Wizengamot a trial. We can just go ahead and chuck you into Azkaban with your dad.

DRACO: What?!

HERMIONE: You just confessed to making the Portkey. (Voice raising in pitch) But what I find even worse is that you replaced my mouthwash with a Love Potion and let me go around in love with SNAPE all day!

RON: I almost got killed by YOU-KNOW-WHO, and you’re upset about a silly love potion?

HERMIONE: (eyes narrowing dangerously) You were fine. You came right back. I was humiliated for an entire day!

LUNA: (thoughtfully) It never would have worked. The children-it’s impossible for hair to be greasy and bushy at the same time.

RON: Humiliated? I was the one whose, um, bits were exposed for the worst dark wizard in the world to see, and he tried to kill me!

LUNA: Don’t forget Ed.

RON: What about Ed?

SNAPE: (throws back another tumbler of fire whiskey and slams it down on the table, silencing them) We are not here to listen to you bicker about who is more pathetic.

RON slumps back in his chair with a baleful look at SNAPE, and HERMIONE reddens.

HARRY: Right. So what we have here is that you’ve turned HERMIONE’S mouthwash into a love potion, set up a Portkey for me that anyone could end up using, and you’ve been skiving off work.

DRACO: (beginning to squirm in his seat and scratching his arm) What do you mean, “skiving off work”?

RON: Oh, let’s see… Maybe he’s referring to the stock of Polyjuice Potion you’ve got brewed up in your room, which should be turned back into a broom cupboard if you ask me.

DRACO: No one did, WEASELBY.

SNAPE: (darkly) Polyjuice Potion?

HERMIONE: He’s been giving CRABBE and GOYLE Polyjuice Potion to do his work while he takes off and has lunch dates with PANSY.

DRACO: Try and prove it, MUD- (glances at TONKS and quickly corrects himself)
GRANGER.

(HERMIONE wordlessly withdraws a phial of a mudlike substance along with a small envelope from which blond hairs protrude from her robes and lays them on the table.)

DRACO: (shifting and scratching at his ribs) How do you know those are mine? She could’ve taken LUNA’s hair. (Appeals to SNAPE) Sir, they’re trying to frame me.

SNAPE: (picks up the phial and raises an eyebrow) Really, DRACO? (turns the phial so all can see the label) Property of DRACO MALFOY.

DRACO: (flushes and squirms) That doesn’t prove anything-

TONKS: Then why can’t you seem to sit still? Seems like a guilty conscience to me.

LUNA: Maybe it’s the Nargles?

(HARRY and RON exchange knowing glances with barely concealed smiles.)

HERMIONE: (Squinting her eyes at DRACO’s face.) What on earth have you been doing to yourself?

DRACO: (defensive) What?

TONKS: (scrunches her nose) Your face . . . it’s kind of . . . .

DRACO: (stands in a panic) WHAT?

LUNA: I really do suspect the Nargles.

DRACO: (Dashes out of the room and into his room.) ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! POTTER!!!

Confessional
Caption HARRY and RON: (Dialogue disjointed for fits of uncontrollable laughter.) Did you see his face! Covered in hives! That was priceless! NARGLES!

SNAPE: He’ll be disqualified, of that you can be quite certain. I’ll speak to Dumbledore. He won’t be pleased.

HERMIONE: He should be kicked out of the Shack!

TONKS: (Pops a bubblegum bubble.) Just let us know what he says, SNAPE. Places to see, people to . . .

HARRY: (cutting her off as quickly as possible.) I can tell DUMBLEDORE.

(TONKS leaves the Shack to go who-knows-where.)

SNAPE: Rest assured, POTTER, that I am perfectly capable of alerting the Headmaster to the situation.

HARRY: I didn’t mean that you couldn’t --

SNAPE: It might have escaped your notice, but it does not require celebrity status to operate the Floo Network.

HARRY: It’s just that I wanted to talk to him anyways --

SNAPE: No, POTTER. I will be contacting the Headmaster. I have more pressing matters to discuss with him than which Pimple Removing Potion he would recommend you use before your big date.

HARRY: Now listen here, SNAPE!

SNAPE: I will not listen to anything else you have to say. What will you do to get back at me, I wonder, for such defiance? A little bit of itching powder in my bed sheets? (HARRY and RON stare at him with their mouths agape.) I thought as much. (Snape exits the room.)

HARRY and RON: (Exchange glances.) How did he know about the –

RON: - itching powder?

HARRY: - Pimple Removing Potion?

RON: What?

HARRY: Perfect Itching Powder, I mean. (His face has turned a little red, but he plays it off.) You don’t think he’s. . .

RON: Legilimency! It’s got to be!

HERMIONE: Oh, come on, you two. You don’t really think he’d resort to using Legilimency on you for this.

HARRY: It makes sense, though. I mean, he always knows things he shouldn’t! He knew that the mouthwash was Love Potion! He probably read DRACO’s mind!

HERMIONE: (Rolls her eyes) You’re right. It couldn’t possibly be that he’s a brilliant Potions Master.

RON: Exactly.

LUNA: You should use mayonnaise for pimples.

HARRY: (Turns red again.) Sure, Luna.

LUNA: Have you ever considered a cap?

RON: For pimples?

LUNA: (Giggles.) No, of course not! For Legilimency, of course! Father wrote about it in The Quibbler. For witches and wizards who haven’t quite gotten the hang of Occlumency; he discovered a metal cap fashioned out of Muggle metal paper that prevents any witch or wizard from performing Legilemency on you.

HERMIONE: There’s no such thing.

RON: Metal paper?

HERMIONE: It’s aluminum foil, and it won’t work. You can do fine things with it, of course, but nothing magical.

LUNA: Well, a Muggle couldn’t of course.

HARRY: That’s one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard.

RON: What’s the cap like?

HERMIONE: Oh, fine. Encourage her, then. I’m going to the bookshop. (She cleans up her dishes from breakfast and exits the Shack.)

LUNA: It’s just a cap over the head. It can be a cone or a ball shape, but it has to have something pointed. Many wizards found the cone effective, but they didn’t like how big it was. Father fashioned a half sphere with an antennae at the top.

HARRY: (Laughs) They just walk around with it on their heads!

RON: Sounds bloody ridiculous.

LUNA: Well, I’m sure they were laughing when their minds were impenetrable. If you’ll excuse me, I need to send an owl out to Father about the effects those Nargles had on DRACO. He’ll be very interested to know that they react maliciously to aggressive wizard behavior.

(RON and HARRY exchange a look of uncertainty then look around them.)

RON: You’ve brought Nargles here?

LUNA: (Laughs as she exits.) I am studying them, you know.

(HARRY and RON sit in silence for a while. Finally -)

HARRY: Do you reckon the hats work?

RON: I dunno. Do you have some metal paper?

HARRY: It’s easy enough to get. Come on. (They clean up and rush to their room.)

Scene: Some time later . . . HARRY and RON’s room. They are sitting on their respective beds with aluminum foil scattered around the room in various shapes of hats. On RON’s head is a large, pointed cone shaped aluminum foil cap. On Harry’s head is a half sphere with one pointed antennae directly in the middle, sticking up about ten inches high.)

RON: Well?

HARRY: There’s only one way to find out. You want to go first?

RON: No, you do it. I’m ready.

HARRY: Okay, don’t try to block me. (Points his wand at RON.) Ligilimens!! (He concentrates for a minute before a huge grin spreads over his face.)

RON: Did you get anything?

HARRY: Nothing! Brilliant! Did you feel anything?

RON: (Grinning as well) Nothing! Perfect!

HARRY: Okay, it’s your turn!

RON: (Points his wand at HARRY.) Ligilimens! (He waits for a minute and starts laughing.) These hats are bloody brilliant! I didn’t get anything out of you!

HARRY: I can’t believe no one’s thought about this before! Think of all the lives these babies would have saved! Let’s go tell LUNA!

(With jovial spirits, the boys exit their room and head to the common room where LUNA is busily writing her father a letter.)

HARRY: LUNA! These caps work perfectly!

LUNA: Naturally. Shall I tell father? He’d be delighted to hear it.

RON: Yeah, tell him thanks!

(Bustling is heard outside the door, and HERMIONE and TONKS enter.)

TONKS: (Calling out to every one) I got the post! DRACO has a letter from his Aunt. My mum wrote to me and Ha-(she looks up) AAAAAAHHHHH! (Letters fly everywhere. She looks at them again and breaks out into uncontrollable laughter.)

HERMIONE: (Stares, amazed, at RON and HARRY) What on earth are you two doing?

RON: HERMIONE! You’ll never believe it, but they work!

HERMIONE: (Eyes narrow.) Oh, really? (Flicks out her wand) Ligilimens! (Silence for a moment, then HERMIONE’s face turns beet red.) RONALD WEASLEY!

Confessional
Caption RON: (flushing as red as his hair) It’s not my fault she looks good in shapeless black robes that leave everything to the imagination…

Confessional
Caption HERMIONE: (wrinkling her nose) Now I need to take another bath.


Scene: Kitchen, evening. Everyone sits around the dinner table. One seat is empty.

LUNA: (forking a piece of roast beef from her plate) Will we be having pudding?

HERMIONE: I brought home some fudge from Honeydukes.

(The front door slams and SNAPE enters.)

TONKS: Well, what did Dumbledore say?

SNAPE: (taking his seat and filling his plate) DRACO stays.

HARRY: What did you tell him? That MALFOY played some childish prank and just needed to have his hand slapped?

SNAPE: I thought we established that the childish pranks were your and Mr. WEASLEY’S specialty. No, the headmaster wants DRACO to remain with us for the time being. However… (his eyes snap to MALFOY) he is to be disqualified from the competition for his duplicity.

RON: That’s it? He’s disqualified?

HERMIONE: That hardly seems fair!

DRACO: My father can get me as many season’s tickets as I want anyways.
SNAPE: (leveling a disdainful glare their way) If I may finish? The Headmaster also suggested that if DRACO persists in his behavior, we may confiscate his wand until the end of the show.

RON: (gleeful) Yesss!

DRACO: My wand?!

TONKS: (thoughtfully) We can work with that, but just in case, I took the liberty of getting us all a little extra protection.

HERMIONE: What do you mean?

TONKS: (holding up a small object) Pocket Sneak o’scopes. I have one for each of us.

DRACO: Good! Then I’ll know when POTTER’s up to something.

TONKS: (cheerfully) Oh, not for you.

DRACO: (outraged) But I’ll get blamed for everything that happens! I’m not the one who put itching powder in my bed!

TONKS: (passing them around) Well, to borrow an expression, “You can’t prove anything.”

HARRY: (exchanging a glance with RON) Thanks, TONKS!

DRACO: (huffily) At least I’ll be getting a break from you lot this weekend.

SNAPE: What do you mean?

DRACO: (smugly) I’ve had a letter from Mum. The Black Family Reunion is going to be this weekend.

HARRY: Oh, I’ve got one, too.

DRACO: What?

HARRY: We’re very distantly related, you know.

TONKS: (brightly) That’s right. My Mum sent me an invite today as well. And you’re all welcome to go.

SNAPE: Oh joy.

HERMIONE: Isn’t your mum a cousin of Sirius’, RON?

RON: Yeah, but we haven’t had a reunion in years! Mum and Dad don’t really like to mix with that side of the family that much. I guess we could go though.

TONKS: Oh, sorry, RON. I’ve got yours around here somewhere. BELLATRX was in charge of inviting the full blooded wizards, and I guess you were misplaced. Mum mailed you one.

RON: She forgot me? (grumbles) Figures.

HARRY: Ginny’s going to be there, right?

RON: (rolling his eyes) Once you tell her you’re going, sure.

TONKS: (cheerfully) Great. I’ll send Mum an owl tonight telling her we’re all coming.

LUNA: I love parties!

DRACO: (fuming) I must be cursed.


Episode 8 Teaser

Scene: A field filled with hundreds of people milling about.

ANDROMEDA: BELLA? Why is there a holding tank of Muggles over there?

BELLATRIX: Oh, that? They’re just the firework’s display.

ANDROMEDA: BELLA! I’m impressed! You’ve actually hired Muggles to do the entertainment! Those therapy sessions must be working. How nice!

BELLATRIX: Er, yeah. Something like that. . . .


***

A/N: *Luna’s epitaph paraphrased from: http://www.webpanda.com/ponder/epitaphs

For the purposes of this episode and future episodes, everyone will probably somehow be related to the Blacks. . . . For comedy purposes, you understand. We do realize that this is not canon, so please do not send up nasty owls telling us to get our facts straight on wizarding lineage. Thanks!

Feedback is appreciated and coveted, though never demanded. Ahem.

Episode 8: The Black Family Reunion: Those Incestuous Wizarding Lines

Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”


Scene: A large grassy field with hundreds of wizards and witches milling about. Large stone structures frame a circle in the middle of the area.

HERMIONE: The reunion’s at Stonehenge?

TONKS: We needed a large area that wasn’t enclosed. You never know who’s going to curse someone else by the end of this, and an open area makes everyone’s chances a little better not to get hit by a ricochet or something. And they wanted an area with magical significance.

HARRY: But Muggles love to visit this place. How are they going to hide our presence?

TONKS: (airily) Oh, any Muggles that get close feel an immediate sense of impending doom. BELLATRIX set the anti-muggle enchantments.

HARRY: Was that wise?

WITCH: (Holds her hand out and says in monotonous tone as if she’d been there all day) Wands, canes, umbrellas, potions, charmed items, talking books, turbans, infant-like creatures with slitty red eyes.

HARRY: What?

WITCH: Did you not read your invitation? Everything must be checked at the door, as it were.

HARRY: (Looking over at the rest of the group handing over their wands and other magically enhanced items) Er, oh. Sure. Here you are then. (Begrudgingly hands his wand over)

WITCH: (Flicks her own wand and his disappears. In its place is a ticket which she hands to HARRY) Don’t lose your claim ticket. You may retrieve your items as you exit. (She looks to SNAPE who has made no move to surrender anything.) Wand, please.

SNAPE: (Glares at her)

WITCH: And potions, from the looks of you.

SNAPE: (Narrows his eyes and glares)

WITCH: If you do not surrender your wand and potions, you will have to be searched.

SNAPE: I. Dare. You.

WITCH: (Glances around nervously.) Yes, of course. Just a moment, please.

TONKS: (Rolls her eyes) There’s always one. Listen, SNAPE, we’ll be mingling while you get your kicks. Try not to curse her; she’s just a hire.

(All except SNAPE continue on.)

DRACO: (grumbling) I can’t believe you’re all here. I’m never going to have another moment’s peace.

HERMIONE: (somewhat nervously, looking at a group of people in black hooded robes comparing masks) There are an awful lot of people in the Black family.

LUNA: It’s like a school dance.

HARRY: What?

LUNA: You know. All the girls on one side, all the boys on the other.

RON: (sniggering) Yeah, except this time it’s all the evil ones on one side and the decent ones on the other.

DRACO: (suddenly smirking evilly) Oh look, GRANGER. Let me introduce you to my Aunt BELLATRIX.

HERMIONE: (stiffly) No. Thank you.

TONKS: MUM! Over here!

(A dark-haired woman, strongly resembling BELLATRIX LESTRANGE save the chestnut highlights in her hair, hurries over.)

Caption ANDROMEDA TONKS, TONKS’ mother: DORA! (hugs her tightly) So lovely to see you! Let’s see the ring, now.

TONKS: (waving her left hand) A beauty, isn’t it?

ANDROMEDA: Very nice. Was Remus able to make it today?

TONKS: We thought it best he not come today, under the circumstances. (Nods towards the “dark side”)

ANDROMEDA: Well, you two must come around for tea sometime. Introduce me to all your friends? Why, that can’t be little DRACO?

DRACO: (scowling) Hi, Aunt ANDROMEDA.

ANDROMEDA: (pinches his cheek) Oh, look at you! Aren’t you getting so big?

DRACO: Aargh! Like I’m a baby! (storms off)

ANDROMEDA: There now, that’s more pleasant. (winks) Welcome, everyone. (Addresses HERMIONE) You must be the Muggle-born. Glad you could make it. You may want to steer clear of that side of the family. Just to be safe.

HERMIONE: Um, I’ll do that. Thanks. Oh, look! There’s SNAPE!

LUNA: You really should make up your mind, you know.

Confessional
Caption SNAPE: (Hastily puts his robes back in proper order. Glares at the camera for 5 seconds in silence, takes a swig from his flask, glares off-camera.)

Caption HERMIONE: It was nice of TONKS to bring everyone, but my Sneak o’scope is going mad! I hope we find the Weasleys soon.

ANDROMEDA: I need to go greet some others, but you have fun. There will be some entertainment later, of course, and perhaps some games. (Glancing around her and noticing a group of bewildered looking people unable to move) Hmm. That can’t be good. Excuse me, please. (Moves away from them) BELLA? Why is there a holding tank of Muggles over there?

BELLATRIX: Oh, that? They’re just the firework’s display.

ANDROMEDA: BELLA! I’m impressed! You’ve actually hired Muggles to do the entertainment! Those therapy sessions must be working. How nice!

BELLATRIX: Er, yeah. Something like that. . . .

HERMIONE: I think I see your mum, RON.

HARRY: Is GINNY there?

(A collective eye roll. Without uttering a word, SNAPE eyes LUCIUS MALFOY and leaves the group to join him.)

TONKS: I’ll catch up with you in a bit. I’ve got to . . . check on something.

LUNA: Do you know all of these people?

RON: There’s about a thousand people here, LUNA. It would be impossible to know them all.

LUNA: Really? Perhaps you should try a memory enhancing potion.

RON: Best keep your hand on your wands as we move through the crowd.

HARRY: (Eyebrows raise in surprise) What? I checked my wand.

RON: You didn’t! You were supposed to check the false wand that GEORGE sent us! I handed them out at breakfast!

HARRY: (Annoyed) I wasn’t at breakfast!

LUNA: I believe he was primping.

RON: Oh, sorry mate. That’s some bad luck.

HERMIONE: (A look of genuine sympathy on her face) HARRY, we’ll make certain that nothing happens to you.

HARRY: What could happen? Everyone’s wands are checked!

RON: (Shakes his head) No, HARRY. Everyone’s fake wands are checked.

HARRY: Bloody Black family!

(They make their way through the crowd toward the group with red hair.)

RON: Mum, Dad!

Caption MRS. WEASLEY, RON’S Mother: (brightly, arms open for a hug) Oh, HARRY! So nice to see you. How are you doing? Getting enough to eat?

HARRY: I’m fine, thanks.

RON: I’m kind of hungry.

Caption MR. WEASLEY, RON’S Father: And how are you, HERMIONE, dear?

HERMIONE: Very well, MR. WEASLEY, thank you.

RON: I have a bit of a headache…

MRS. WEASLEY: Not now, RON. We’re talking. Oh, HARRY, GINNY has been waiting for you. She’s over there, talking to Neville. GINNY dear!

HARRY: Oh, that’s all right, MRS. WEASLEY. I’ll go er, get her.

MRS. WEASLEY: He’s such a nice boy.

Confessional
Caption HARRY and GINNY: (prolonged snog)


Scene: Stonehenge Concession Stand

LUCIUS: SNAPE! Bleep bleep bleeeeeeeep!

SNAPE: (Shakes LUCIUS’ hand) Bleep bleep.

LUCIUS: (Laughs) Bleep bleeeeeeep bleep! Bleep bleep bleep BELLATRIX bleep NARCISSA bleep bleeeeeeep. (Takes a drink of Firewhisky)

SNAPE: (Scowls and looks toward BELLATRIX) Bleeeeeeep bleep. Bleep?

LUCIUS: (Nods) Bleep. RODULPHUS! Bleep bleeeeeep bleep?

RODULPHUS LESTRANGE, BELLATRIX’ husband and fellow prison inmate of LUCIUS): Bleep! (Walks toward them smiling) SNAPE, bleeeeeep bleep bleep?

SNAPE: (Folds arms across his chest) Bleep bleeeeeeep bleep bleep.

LUCIUS: (Folds arms across his chest) Bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeeep bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeeep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeeeep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeeeeep bleep bleep bleep bleep beeeeeleep bleep bleep bleep. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

RODULPHUS: (Folds arms across his chest, glares toward BELLATRIX) Bleeping bleep bleeper bleep bleep. Bleep bleep bleepen.

LUCIUS: (Notices his son heading toward them) Ah, DRACO. (under his breath) Bleep bleeeeep bleep. DRACO get over here!

SNAPE: (Rolls his eyes) Bleep.

DRACO: (As he walks toward them, he notices a girl that looks a lot like PANSY in line at the concession stand. He stops dead in his tracks.) PANSY! Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

LUCIUS: Such foul language, DRACO. (Takes out his wand and aims it at DRACO) Hold your tongue!

DRACO: (His hand flies up to his mouth and he grabs his tongue. Nothing he tries enables him to release it.) Dad! Thith ith bery embarrathing!

LUCIUS: Perhaps you will think better of such language in the future.

DRACO: I’be learned my lethon. Pake the curthe off.

LUCIUS: Oh, I think not. It will wear off in a few hours.

DRACO: ARRRGH! (Runs off, frantically searching the crowd for PANSY)

SNAPE: Bleep.

RODULPHUS: (Slaps LUCIUS on the back goodnaturedly) Bleep!

LUCIUS: (Shakes his head.) Bleeeeeeeep.

Scene: By a large stone. DRACO has finally found PANSY, and he is almost in tears.

PANSY: Hello, DRACO.

DRACO: (Mouth agape, still holding his tongue) PANTHY? How? What? Why?

PANSY: I’m very distantly related to the Blacks. On my mother’s side, I think. I didn’t know you were in the BLACK family, too!

DRACO: (Looks dumfounded) My mother! NARTHITHA BWACK MALFOY.

PANSY: Oh, dear. That sort of makes us . . . cousins.

DRACO: ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGH! (Runs off.)

(As PANSY walks away, she transforms back into TONKS)

TONKS: (Smile of pure evil delight) Heheheheh. Maybe I should have given that poor boy a Sneak-o-scope.

Scene: The exact middle of the Stonehenge structure. LUNA, HERMIONE, GINNY, TONKS, and RON stand shoulder to shoulder in a circle, facing outward with their wands raised. HARRY stands in the middle, arms hanging useless by his side.

HERMIONE: Remind me never to come to another reunion with you, RON. (A jet of blue light flies toward them.) Protego! (The curse hits the shield.) This is ridiculous.

RON: Blame TONKS.

TONKS: Me? What did I do?

GINNY: He’s kind of right you know. This time.

TONKS: Oh, this? It’s only for a bit of fun.

HERMIONE: (Dodges another jinx aimed at her.) Yes. Thanks. Some fun.

TONKS: This is a good work-out; I don’t see what the big fuss is about. Tarantallegra!

(RON glares at her. TONKS’ robes are opened to reveal a t-shirt that says “I’m with the Muggle-born--> ” with the arrow pointed at Hermione on her right. A jinx hits RON as he’s distracted, and he goes completely rigid and falls backward.)

HERMIONE: (screams) RON!

HARRY: This is insane. Why isn’t anyone doing anything to stop it?

LUNA: Is all the world a stage?

GINNY: Now is not the time to go philosophical, LUNA.

HERMIONE: Oh, she’s right! Look! (She points to a large stage that has been magically placed. Three Black family members are standing on it: RUDOLPHUS, LUCIUS, and ANDROMEDA.)

RODULPHUS: (His voice magically enhanced for volume) Attention, everyone! Please put down your wands for a moment and make your way to the stage! (The curses flying around the group stop immediately.)

HERMIONE: That’s unexpected.

TONKS: Ooo! Black Family Superlatives! I hope I win one this year! (She trots off toward the stage.)

LUNA: How exciting! Perhaps I’ll win one, too!

RON: (Getting up off of the ground, the jinx having lifted) Sure, Family Loon. (HERMIONE smacks him hard on the back of the head.) OW!

Scene: At the stage. The group from the Shrieking Shack sit surprisingly close to one another.

RODULPHUS: It is my pleasure to present this year’s Family Superlatives! (Loud applause) If I call your name, please proceed to ANDROMEDA and pick up your award. The envelopes, please, LUCIUS. (LUCIUS hands him a sealed parchment.) Family Torturer goes to BELLATRIX LESTRANGE! (A smattering of applause. BELLATRIX proceeds to the stage and picks up her parchment award. She sits back down.) Most Likely to Cause Mass Destruction goes to . . . BELLATRIX LESTRANGE! (BELLATRIX walks across the stage again.) Most Likely to Break Out of Azkaban Twice goes to BELLATRIX LESTRANGE! (She walks across again, this time bowing to the audience.)

DRACO: Thith ith tho obviouthly rigged. The’th going to win ebwything!

LUNA: Shh!

(20 minutes later. BELLATRIX stands on the stage now, her arms full of parchments, medals, trophies. TONKS and RON are slumped in their chairs, asleep.)

RODULPHUS: Only two more awards, everyone. (Collective groan from the group.) Most Likely to Kill a Family Member goes to. . .I can’t believe this! BELLATRIX LESTRANGE! (He claps as his wife receives another award.)

DRACO: Beeep.

RODULHPUS: And last but not least, we have Most Likely to Be Killed by a Family Member. The winner is NYMPHADORA TONKS!

TONKS: (Bolts upright) YES! I won! (She runs up on stage and kisses LUCIUS and RODULPHUS on the cheek. She hugs her mum.) Thank you! This is awesome!

HERMIONE: Um. She doesn’t know what she’s won for, does she?

HARRY: Not a clue.

(They watch TONKS as she bows and pumps her fist in the air in victory. BELLATRIX stares longingly at the award in TONKS’ fist.)

Scene: Toward the exit.

HERMIONE: Who is that, RON, talking with BELLATRIX?

RON: That's my cousin Anita. BELLATRIX must be recruiting. (As RON says this, his cousin huffs away from BELLATRIX) Apparently she's not good at it.

HERMIONE: No, the other one. He looks . . . shady.

RON: I don’t know, HERMIONE. Didn’t I say that I don’t know all my relations!

HARRY: He looks really familiar, though.

RON: How can you tell? He’s in a hooded black cloak with his back to us.

HARRY: (Holds his hand up to his scar) He’s standing in a familiar way.

HERMIONE: It’s your scar. It’s hurting you again, isn’t it?

HARRY: What? No. Just shielding my eyes from the sun.

(The cloaked and hooded figure turns slowly to stare at them from across the field. A gasp of horror from the trio.)

LUNA: Oh, look! It’s ED! SKIP will be so pleased!

RON: ED?

LUNA: The camera man you flushed down the toilet.

HARRY: (Vehemently) That’s not ED, LUNA! That’s VOLDEMORT!

LUNA: Obviously that’s VOLDEMORT, but the one behind him, holding the camera! That’s ED! I’ll just go find SKIP and let him know his friend is okay. (leaves)

(BELLATRIX and VOLDEMORT slowly and methodically make their way to the trio)

VOLDEMORT: HARRY POTTER. Imagine my surprise to see you here. Years of searching and waiting, and here you are delivered right into my hands.

HARRY: You’re related to the Blacks?

VOLDEMORT: Isn’t everyone?

RON: He’s got a point.

VOLDEMORT: (Draws his wand out of his robes) Nevertheless, prepare yourself for death, HARRY. Today I will prove, once and for all, that I am the most powerful wizard in the world!

HARRY: Again?

VOLDEMORT: Three is my lucky number.

HARRY: You’ll look really clever going up against an unarmed wizard. They’ll write stories about you.

HERMIONE: (Nervously) HARRY, don’t provoke him!

VOLDEMORT: Yes, POTTER. Listen to your little muggle-born friend. She’ll be a great addition to the after-party, won’t she BELLATRIX?

BELLATRIX: After party? I didn’t plan any after party. I’ll have to extend the enchantments. Then I’ll have to notify the band. I’ll have to see if I can get an extension for Lucius and the others from Azkaban. (VOLDEMORT shifts to one foot and stares at her.) Then there will be more food to order. . .

VOLDEMORT: BELLATRIX, I’m kind of having an evil moment, here.

BELLATRIX: Oh, of course. So sorry, my lord! Carry on!

VOLDEMORT: As I was saying, prepare to meet your doom! AVADA KEDAVRA!

(A look of surprise and impending doom etches on HARRY’s face as he braces for the impact of the curse. He squeezes his eyes shut. A second passes and he opens them. He laughs nervously as he pats himself all over, nothing having happened to him)

VOLDEMORT: (Looks at his wand. Taps it on his hand.) I said, AVADA KEDAVRA! (again, nothing happens) What is wrong with this stupid wand! BELLA, you must lift the enchantments and let me curse him!

BEllATRIX: (Blinks) There are no anti-curse enchantments. Perhaps you checked the wrong wand? Just give me your claim ticket, and I’ll fetch it for you.

VOLDEMORT: (Checks his replica wand over for a moment. Snaps it in half. Searches the pockets of his robes for the claim ticket and comes up empty. Holds his fists up and shakes them in the air.) NOOOOOOO!

Teaser for Episode 9

Scene: The common room of the Shrieking Shack.

HARRY: Here, LUNA. (Hands her a package.) I thought I’d save an owl the trouble.

LUNA: (Opens the package) Oh, wonderful! Look, everyone! My dad has written an article about us for The Quibbler! There’s one for each of you! (She hands them each a copy and they begin to read.)

SNAPE: (His eyes narrow dangerously and he glowers at RON) 'Greasy git'?

RON: (Nervously) What? I didn’t write it.

(SNAPE’s fingers twitch toward his wand.)

HERMIONE: (Shakes her head) Oh, here it is, RON. It’s a quote by you.

RON: (Running from the room, SNAPE close at his heals) NOOOO!

***

A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry for such a long wait between episodes! Pepperimp's computer has a virus and it took us forever to get the updated version off of her computer so we could finally finish and post. I know we always say that we won't take as long next time. . .so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks for sticking with us and for reading. Please leave us a bit of feedback after you've read.

The Snape, Lucius, Rodulphus scene is stolen from the story that gave us our inspiration. I mean, it's different, but stolen. Just thought I'd mention it.

Episode 9: Why Quibble?

Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”

Scene: Common room, morning. TONKS reclines on the sofa reading New Moon. Her feet are propped on the wall, a curious popping sound coming from their vicinity.

TONKS: Hmmm… (flips a page, leaning slightly closer to the book)

Pop-poppity-pop.

TONKS: Wow. (flips another page)

Pop-poppity-pop-pop.

DRACO: (bedroom door slams open) ARGHH! What is that horrible sound?

TONKS: (looking up in surprise) What? What sound?

DRACO: (suspiciously) I keep hearing this noise coming through my wall. It woke me up. (Moves around the room, searching.)

TONKS: (shrugs) Let me know if you find it. (Resumes reading.)

DRACO: There it is again!

TONKS: Where?

DRACO: (turning toward her) It stopped. But it sounds like it was on this side of the room. How can you not hear it? It’s so close to you.

TONKS: Dunno. (picks up her book again)

DRACO: (muttering) Some Auror you are. (Eyes widening in comprehension as he watches her read.) Ugh! It’s you!

TONKS: What do you mean?

DRACO: That noise. It’s your toes! How are you doing that?

TONKS: (rippling her toes against the wall in confusion, producing the popping sound) This? That’s what was bothering you?

DRACO: UGH! Stop! (shudders) That…that’s just unnatural.
(Housemates (except SNAPE) filter down from upstairs.)

HARRY: What’s all the shouting about, MALFOY?

DRACO : TONKS and her…freaky toes!

RON: (sniggering) Her what?

DRACO : Shut up, WEASELY-

TONKS: (sighing) I don’t know what the fuss is about. I just wiggled my toes on the wall and he pitched a fit! (demonstrating) See? No big deal.

RON: (a look of horrified awe) That’s your toes? That’s disgusting!

HERMIONE: Ronald!

DRACO: (smugly) I told you! Freaky.

RON: (fervently) Absolutely.

LUNA: Could you teach me to do that?

TONKS: It’s a family talent.

LUNA: (sadly) Oh. And it would have made catching Plimpies so much easier.

HARRY: (faintly) Completely mental.

HERMIONE: (catching sight of TONKS’ book) Ooh! How far along are you? Has Edward turned up yet?

TONKS: (grinning and fanning herself) He is SO. HOT.

HERMIONE: (nodding) I know. I thought you might have preferred Jacob though.

RON: (alarmed) Who’s Edward?

Confessional
Caption RON: This is just great. Bill is cool and Charlie works with dragons. Percy’s a prat, but Fred and George are funny. As if I didn’t have enough to compete with… Who is this Edward bloke? She thinks he’s hot?

Scene: Post Office. HARRY is sorting mail as owls fly around his head. The
POSTMASTER is reading a newspaper, occasionally glancing at HARRY. HARRY crumples up a letter and pitches it in the dust bin.

POSTMASTER: Oi! What’re you doing there, son?

HARRY: I’m sorting through the Hogwarts’ mail, sir, and there’s another one for the Voldemort Fan Club. I’ve just been tossing them.

POSTMASTER: No, HARRY. We send those directly to DUMBLEDORE. Don’t know why, really. He said something about needling a laugh every once in a while.

HARRY: (Staring at the crumpled parchment on the floor.) Should I just leave this one?

POSTMASTER: No. Smooth it out and send it on. Tampering with the mail is, after all, illegal. How many others have you discarded?

HARRY: About ten. (Takes the parchment off the floor and puts it back in the Hogwarts’ pile.) All right. I didn’t even know we had a Voldemort Fan Club.

POSTMASTER: We just won’t mention the other ones. Maybe he won’t notice. (Goes back to reading the paper. His eyes narrow.) Hmph!

HARRY: What’s the matter, sir?

POSTMASTER: (Quickly folds up the paper and stands.) I think it’s time for your morning break. (Leaves to go to the back room. Muttering.) “Smells like owl dung!” What does he expect? Rose-water?

HARRY: (Watches as the door closes behind the POSTMASTER.) What did I do?

Scene: Honeyduke’s. HERMIONE is dusting the shelves. MRS. FLUME huffs up from the basement, scowling at HERMIONE.

HERMIONE: MRS. FLUME! I was wondering if I should –

MRS. FLUME: You just keep dusting, if you please.

HERMIONE: But I just wanted to unpack that –

MRS. FLUME: This ridiculous notion that we do not know how to run our own business.
Been in the family for generations!

HERMIONE: The chocolate will melt if I –

MRS. FLUME: MR. FLUME and I will handle that, thank you. Contrary to popular belief, we have run this candy store quite well for years without your help.

HERMIONE: (Mouth open in confusion for a moment.) Have I done something to upse-

MRS. FLUME: Really, your ideas do have merit, but just because you’re young and intelligent does not mean that you know better than us. We have something which you do not: Experience running a successful business. I’ll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself about our ineptitude, if you please.

HERMIONE: I don’t know what you’re talking about –

MRS. FLUME: I think it’s time for your lunch break.

HERMIONE: (Panicked) But MRS. FLUME! It’s only 9:30!

Scene: Scrivenshaft’s Quill Shop. Ron is at a desk, an empty inkwell in his limp hand. His head is slumped over, and drool has pooled on the desk. He snores.

Scene: Gladrags. LUNA is hemming robes, humming to herself. A tinkling bell signals a customer’s entrance.

CUSTOMER: Excuse me, dear?

LUNA: May I help you?

CUSTOMER: (gestures to LUNA’S “jewelry” display) Would it be possible to get another dozen of these necklaces?

LUNA: (happily) Certainly. I can make them tonight.

CUSTOMER: Lovely! I read about them and thought they would make the perfect gifts.

LUNA: (Nodding wisely) Naturally.

CUSTOMER: I’ll just drop in tomorrow afternoon, shall I?

LUNA: Of course. Would you like them gift wrapped?

CUSTOMER: That would be wonderful. How much then?

LUNA: Six sickles. (Accepts the money and waves.) Have a nice day.

CUSTOMER: Thank you! (As she turns away, the back of her robes display stitching that reads St. Mungo’s, Spell Damage, Janus Thickey Ward.)

Confessional
Caption LUNA: I’m not at all surprised. Daddy knew they’d be successful once everyone realized how effective they are against Nargles. He thinks I should put an ad in The Quibbler once the readers find out how successful they’ve been here. Maybe I could start an owl business…

Scene: Hogsmeade street. TONKS, RON, and HERMIONE are walking toward the Three Broomsticks for lunch with HARRY. TONKS stops suddenly and openly gawks at
CEDRIC DIGGORY and CHO CHANG as they walk towards them.

HERMIONE: What’s the matter, TONKS?

TONKS: Do you see?

HERMIONE: I see CEDRIC and CHO, TONKS. Why?

TONKS: (She grabs HERMIONE’s chin and forces HERMIONE to look directly at CEDRIC.) Look. Those chiseled cheekbones. Those amber eyes.

HERMIONE: His eyes are gray.

TONKS: (Flicks her wand toward CEDRIC and his eyes change color. She smiles, satisfied.) Those amber eyes. . .That slightly disheveled brown hair. That lean and muscular model-physique. (She produces a rather high pitched squeal.)

HERMIONE: (She grabs TONKS’ arm and digs her nails in.)Oh. Merlin.

RON: What?

HERMIONE and TONKS: It’s Edward! (They both openly gawk as CEDRIC and CHO get closer.)

Caption CEDRIC DIGGORY, Triwizard Champion and Hogwarts Schoolmate: Hey, RON. HERMIONE.

TONKS: (Giggling like a schoolgirl.) He said hi to you!

HERMIONE: Hey. (Half smile) Hey. Um. Hey.

Caption CHO CHANG, Hogwarts Schoolmate and HARRY’s First Crush: How’s it going?

HERMIONE: Hey. Um. Hey.

CEDRIC: Well, we’ll see you later. We’re just heading over to MADAM PUDDIFOOT’s for a bite.

HERMIONE: Bye. Um. Yeah. Bye.

CHO: (As they walk away.) That was awkward.

TONKS: He is SO. HOT! You handled that wonderfully! Really! You were brilliant!

RON: What?

TONKS: Want to go to eat at PUDDIFOOT’s?

RON: WHAT?

HERMIONE: Um. Yeah. Yeah.

Confessional
Caption RON: She’s in love with CEDRIC now? Perfect. (Throws his hands on his head.) Just bloody perfect.

Scene: Zonko’s Joke Shop

PROPRIETOR: MALFOY!

DRACO: (sullenly) Yes…sir?

PROPRIETOR: I just counted the inventory you stocked of the Filibuster Fireworks, and we’re one short.

DRACO: They were all there this morning.

PROPRIETOR: Didn’t I just say that? Empty your pockets.

DRACO: (defensively) I didn’t steal it. Do you know who my father is?

PROPRIETOR: You mean the one in Azkaban. I want to see. Empty ‘em.

DRACO: Fine. (Pulls pocket sleeves out.) There. Empty. Happy?

PROPRIETOR: (scowling) Go sweep the stockroom.

Confessional
Caption DRACO: Idiot. Like I’d keep what I took on me. (Rolls his eyes.) It’s strange, really. He’s never noticed anything missing before…

Scene: MADAM PUDDIFOOT’S. CEDRIC and CHO enter and are promptly seated. Seconds later, TONKS and HERMIONE enter, arms linked, giggling. RON enters behind them, dragging his feet and scowling.

CHO: Ced, are they following you?

CEDRIC: (Smiles at them. They giggle louder.) Dunno. I am rather famous. Tri-wizard champion and all.

SNAPE: Oh, no.

TONKS: We’d like a seat. Close to them, if you don’t mind.

SNAPE: No. I told you never to come here while I was working.

TONKS: Oh, come on, SNAPE! You won’t even know we’re here! (Surreptitiously wipes drool from HERMIONE’s chin. )

(SNAPE grudgingly leads them to a table near CEDRIC. RON follows, but the table is only big enough for two. He tries to scoot a chair, but at a glare from SNAPE, he puts it back and sits alone, seething toward CEDRIC.)

SNAPE: May. I. Take. Your. Order.

TONKS: (Gestures to CHO) I’ll have what she’s having. (Winks)

SNAPE: And you?

HERMIONE: (Breathlessly) Yeah.

(SNAPE rolls his eyes and turns toward the kitchen.)

RON: (Holds his hand up to get SNAPE’s attention) I’d like a – (Snape swooshes past him without notice.)

(MADAM PUDDIFOOT is reading a magazine. She hurriedly hides it as SNAPE enters and grabs her wand to stir the cauldrons.)

SNAPE: I have a complaint against our customers.

MADAM PUDDIFOOT: Which ones, dear?

SNAPE: (Eyes narrow) All of them.

Scene: Dervish and Bangs. TONKS is behind the counter, reading a magazine while levitating Sneakoscopes past the mirrors, which cringe in fear as she’s not really paying attention, and the Sneakoscopes occasionally bump into things. She giggles every once in a while at something she’s read.

TONKS: Oh, no! (Her brow creases and she drops her wand. A crash sounds.)

MIRRORS: AAAHHHHH!

TONKS: Oh, sorry!

MR. DERVISH: (Runs into the room) Is everything all right?

TONKS: No, it’s not.

MR. DERVISH: I’m sure we can repair the mirrors. Again.

TONKS: It’s not that. I’m going to have to explain to REMUS about the ring! Hmmm. Or keep him from reading this. . . Hey, can I shove off early?

MR. DERVISH: (Looks to the mirrors) Yes. Please do.

Scene: The common room of the Shrieking Shack.

HARRY: Here, LUNA. (Hands her a package.) I thought I’d save an owl the trouble.

LUNA: (Opens the package) Oh, wonderful! Look, everyone! My dad has written an article about us for The Quibbler! There’s one for each of you! (She hands them each a copy, and they begin to read.)

SNAPE: (His eyes narrow dangerously and he glowers at RON) Greasy git?

RON: (Nervously) What? Me? I didn’t write it.

(SNAPE’s fingers twitch toward his wand.)

HERMIONE: (Shakes her head) Oh, here it is, RON. It’s a quote by you.

RON: (Running from the room, SNAPE close at his heals) NOOOO!

TONKS: Want me to go make sure he’s okay? (Twirls her wand with her freaky toes.)

HERMIONE: He’ll be fine.

TONKS: Right then. (Opens the article and starts searching in earnest.)

HARRY: (Looks up from reading the article.) Luna? How’d you get all of this? I mean, I know I never gave an interview to anyone, and I’m quoted in here left and right!

HERMIONE: (Face pales as she reads) “The FLUMES are nice people, but honestly; I don’t know how they’ve stayed in business for so long”! (Her voice is more frantic and high pitched as she continues to read.) “They’re very unorganized and not very efficient.” LUNA, I cannot believe you would allow your father to print such a disparaging comment I made when I was alone in my room without a cameraman or RON or anybody, about my employers who have so obviously read this and now think I am the worst person in the world and who want to fire me and probably throw me to the ---

HARRY: (Notices HERMIONE turning blue.) Breathe, HERMIONE.

HERMIONE: (Takes a deep breath.) Thanks.

HARRY: No problem.

HERMIONE: LUNA! Please explain this!

LUNA: Everything Daddy wrote was true.

HERMIONE: That’s beside the point! He published things that were said in confidence—or venting! How did he learn all these details?

LUNA: We’re being recorded.

DRACO: (scathingly) Obviously. That’s the reason we’re all here. Together. In this shack.

HARRY: (look of dawning comprehension) That’s not what she means. You don’t mean the cameras, do you, LUNA?

LUNA: Oh no. They don’t give reliable enough information. Daddy uses bugs.

HERMIONE: (gasps) That’s dreadful!

DRACO: (frowning) Bugs?

HERMIONE: They’re Muggle recording devices used to spy on people! I can’t believe-

LUNA: (serenely) No, no. Daddy uses bugs. (Points to a spider’s web in the corner.)

HARRY: The spider?

LUNA: (rolls her eyes) Spiders aren’t bugs. The fly in the web, HARRY. They’re very useful. Flies can be everywhere, and no one pays any attention. We got the idea from that woman at The Daily Prophet. You remember her?

HARRY: (Through clenched teeth) Yeah, I think I remember Rita.

LUNA: Daddy put a Telegraph Charm on them. When they buzz, it sends the information straight to The Quibbler.

HERMIONE: That’s a horrible invasion of privacy!

DRACO: (muttering) Not like this show or anything.

HARRY: No wonder all our employers were acting so strange today. They all read the article.

DRACO: (Rounding on LUNA) So that’s why my boss was being such troll today? It says that I’ve been stealing!

HARRY: Haven’t you been?

DRACO: Well, he didn’t know that, did he?

HERMIONE: (Breathing shallowly with her head between her knees to keep from hyperventilating) The FLUMES think I think they can’t run their store. They hate me! They’re…they’re going to give me…a-a POOR REVIEW!

TONKS: Oh breathe, HERMIONE. So what’s a review? She told her dad about my ring! (Reading) “As usual as she prepares to head to her job at Dervish and Bangs, the Auror, Nymphadora Tonks, places an Engorgement Charm on her new engagement ring.” (Lowers the magazine to glare at LUNA) What if REMUS reads this? (Eyes widen worriedly.) What if MUM reads it?

LUNA: (Sagely) Hiding the truth hides who you are. It’s better to go into marriage without secrets.

HARRY: You say this article only printed the truth?

LUNA: (Startled) Of course.

HARRY: Then what about this bit that talks about how you have a successful jewelry business that they’re happy to let you sell at Gladrags?

HERMIONE: (laughs a bit haughtily) Oh, that’s unbiased reporting.

LUNA: (stiffly) I think I’ll go to my room. I have jewelry to make.

TONKS: (skeptically) Well, that’s convenient.

DRACO: (disgusted) Can we do an intervention on HER?

(SNAPE returns to the room, a look of sinister satisfaction on his face.)

HERMIONE: (Worried by the lack of RON) Um, where’s RON?


Episode 10 TEASER:

Scene: Hogwart’s Great Hall

DUMBLEDORE: I’d like to welcome you all to the End of Term Feast!

MCGONAGALL: No, sir. Not that one.

DUMBLEDORE: Dear me, no? (She shakes her head and whispers something to him.) I’d like to welcome you all to the award ceremony! (Glances at MCGONAGALL who nods) Tonight we shall here from each of your employers as they make their reviews about your work for these past few weeks. One of you will be rewarded most handsomely with our wonderful prize. We appreciate your willingness to be a part of this experiment, and I dare say it has been a joy to watch each week. It has certainly been an interesting time where we’ve gotten to know each other a bit better, hasn’t it? (Chuckles)

HERMIONE: (Slinks down in her chair.) Can I just leave?

SNAPE: If you run, I will hex you.

HERMIONE: (Glances over at RON and gulps.) I’ll just stay then.



AN: Sigh. I know our apologies must be getting tired, but thanks for sticking with us all the same! We hope the Twilight fans out there enjoyed our little nod to the obsession currently gripping so many readers. (TEAM EDWARD!) Passerby and I are working on episode 10, which, as you know, will be the final chapter in our little saga. As always, we crave your feedback. There's no time like the present. Go now!

Episode 10: The Parting of the Wands

Scene: Streets of Hogsmeade. Close-up on run-down shack, broken shutters and missing shingles.

CAPTION: HARRY
(dressed in black wizard robes, red and gold scarf, messy black hair, round glasses, odd lightning shaped scar on forehead) “This is the true story. . .”

CAPTION: RON
(very tall and lanky, reddest hair ever seen, wiping dirt off of his nose) “Of seven strangers. . .”

CAPTION: HERMIONE
(Very bushy brown hair, nose a little bit up in the air)
“Picked to live in a shack . . .”

CAPTION: DRACO
(Black wizards robes, but with green and silver scarf. Blonde. Obviously wealthy.)
“And have their lives taped. . .”

CAPTION: LUNA
(Blonde hair, radish earrings, a vacant expression on her face)
“To find out what happens. . .”

CAPTION: SNAPE
(Middle-aged black haired wizard. Dressed in black. Putting black nail polish on his toes.)
“When people stop being, what was it? Ah yes: polite. . .”

CAPTION: TONKS
(Cute young woman, hair changing from pink to purple to green back to pink)
“And start getting REAL. The Real World: Hogsmeade.”

Scene: Common room, early morning. A stack of several trunks sits by the front door. The camera pans to SNAPE standing nearby, fingers drumming his crossed arms impatiently then back to the trunks.

Confessional

Caption SNAPE: (glares in silence)

Scene: Kitchen, later.

DRACO: It’s about time we got out of here. I can’t wait to get home and away from you lot. This has been the longest ten weeks of my life!

TONKS: (casually) I don’t know if I’d be so happy to leave if I were you. Weren’t you the one who failed to deliver HARRY POTTER to YOU-KNOW-WHO with that Portkey? He might have a nice cell lined up for you in Azkaban.

HARRY: Maybe next to your dad.

DRACO: Sod off.

HARRY: Ooh, I’m so scared.

(HERMIONE enters, carrying a large book, an exhausted owl on her shoulder.)

RON: Really, HERMIONE, we’re getting ready to leave. You’re not studying another of the FLUME’s recipe books are you?

HERMIONE: No, RON. We just got another text message from DUMBLEDORE.

LUNA: What does it say?

HERMIONE: (drops the book on the table with a loud thump) Let’s see… (blanches slightly) Oh no…

HARRY: What is it?

RON: (Brushes her bushy hair aside to read over her shoulder) Housemates are to report to the Great Hall at Hogwarts at noon today for results of the job contest and a farewell feast. Employers and families are invited to attend.

HERMIONE: (Groans and buries her head in her arms.)

RON: What’s wrong?

LUNA: (knowingly) Loser’s Lurgy.

DRACO: “Loser’s what?

Confessional

Caption RON: (trying not to snicker) It’s kind of been a long few weeks, but I have to say I’m going to miss LUNA. (shakes head) Loser’s Lurgy. Heh.

SNAPE: May I leave yet?

RON: No. It says here, “If Professor SNAPE tries to leave the Shrieking Shack prior to the farewell feast, he will forfeit eligibility for prizes to which he may be entitled.”

SNAPE: It most certainly does not say that! Give it here. (Reads the message, scowls, and shoves it back to RON. He walks out of the room.)

Confessional

Caption SNAPE: (Takes a swig of firewhiskey.)

RON: We’ve also got to deliver these invitations (takes some papers out of the book and waves them around) to our family, friends, and employers.

HARRY: Shouldn’t our employers already know?

TONKS: It’s probably just a formality.

HERMIONE: We each get five invitations.

RON: Just five? Bloody great. DUMBLEDORE’S going to cause a family rift!

HARRY: I’ll invite GINNY for you.

RON: Thanks, mate.

HERMIONE: You can have my invitations, RON.

LUNA: Are you not inviting anyone? (Looks disappointed) And I was going to make them a special gift.

RON: Are you sure, HERMIONE? Don't you want to keep a couple so you can invite EDWARD and CEDRIC?

HERMIONE: (Blankly.) What are you talking about?

RON: You know.

HERMIONE: Really, RONALD. I barely know CEDRIC, and EDWARD-well that's just silly.

RON: Why?

HERMIONE: Because he doesn't exist.

Confessional

Caption RON: (Happily) Turns out EDWARD is just a character from a book! Some mental series that girls go ga-ga over. So, no worries, right?

Caption HERMIONE: (Wiping at her eyes) I can’t invite my parents to witness what is bound to be a horrible review! They’d be devastated! I’d have to move away! Not that they’d make me, mind you, but how could I face them every day if they knew that I was a failure?

HARRY: Here, everyone. (Hands out the invitations) We’d better get going if we’re going to make it to the Great Hall in time.

TONKS: Here. I’ll give SNAPE his invitations.

(Beat)

RON: Who’s he going to invite?

TONKS: Good point. (Leaves the invitations on the table.)

Scene: Zonko’s.

DRACO: (Shoves an invitation toward the Proprietor.) Here. You’re supposed to come.

PROPRIETOR: Is there money in this?

DRACO: No. You don’t get paid to go to a banquet. (Rolls his eyes)

PROPRIETOR: (Narrows his eyes thoughtfully toward DRACO.) Was there money in it?

DRACO: ARGH! (Storms out of the store.)

Scene: Shrieking Shack common room. Draco is using the Floo to talk with NARCISSA.

DRACO: Here, Mum. Four invitations to do with what you will.

NARCISSA: Four? Just the four? This is a serious infraction against the MALFOY name, DRACO. I demand more invitations.

DRACO: I can only give you four!

NARCISSA: And some advanced notice would have been nice. I’ll have to pull I don’t know how many strings to get your father out of Azkaban again. Really, DRACO.

DRACO: I told you about this from the beginning!

NARCISSA: Yes, you told me there was to be a feast, but you did not tell me there was a guest limit. I’ve invited everyone, DRACO. I can’t very well turn them away now.

DRACO: How many of them?

NARCISSA: Enough. BELLATRIX, RUDOLPHO, PANSY, her parents, MACNAIR, CRABBE, GOYLE, ALECTO, AMYCUS, AVERY, DOLOHOV, GREYBACK –

DRACO: You can’t invite GREYBACK, Mother!

NARCISSA: Why ever not?

DRACO: He’ll eat everyone!

NARCISSA: Did you not say it was a feast? (Taps her chin with her wand) Very well. We’ll remove him. He did seem a little too eager, and I’d hate for you to be mistaken for someone normal . . .

Scene: Caves. Harry is communicating with a large black dog.

HARRY: Here you go, SIRIUS. (Shoves an invitation into the dog’s mouth.)

SIRIUS: (Transforms into his human form, the invitation still in his mouth. He takes it out and reads it.) Thank you, HARRY. This is really thoughtful, but I cannot accept.

HARRY: Why? (Pouts)

SIRIUS: Think of it, HARRY! The Ministry of Magic! The Death Eaters! The fans! Everyone still thinks I’m dead. Again!

HARRY: Right. Maybe you could sneak in and sit at the back. You know, for old time’s sake.

SIRIUS: (Ponders for a moment.) I suppose I could do. (Devilish twinkle in his eye.) Hey, do you have any more invitations?

HARRY: Sure. I’ve got two more.

SIRIUS: Can I have them?

HARRY: Uh, sure.

SIRIUS: (Grins mischievously.) Thanks.

Scene: Honeydukes

MRS. FLUME: Thank you for the invitation, dear, but I don’t understand why HERMIONE isn’t delivering it.

RON: (furtively glancing out the window) Um, she had to get some to her parents, and they’re Muggles, you know, so…

MR. FLUME: Thank you, young man. We’ll be there.

RON: (weakly) Great.

Confessional
Caption RON: Okay. So I know she didn’t want anyone to come, but I don’t think inviting our employers was an option. I mean, her review can’t be that bad, can it? (Shakes his head and rakes his hands through his hair in agitation.) She’s going to kill me, isn’t she? (Camera bobs.) Ugh.

Scene: Hogwart’s Great Hall

DUMBLEDORE: I’d like to welcome you all to the End of Term Feast!

MCGONAGALL: No, sir. Not that one.

DUMBLEDORE: Dear me, no? (She shakes her head and whispers something to him.) I’d like to welcome you all to the award ceremony! (Glances at MCGONAGALL who nods) Today we shall hear from each of your employers as they make their reviews about your work for these past few weeks. One of you will be rewarded most handsomely with our wonderful prize. We appreciate your willingness to be a part of this experiment, and I dare say it has been a joy to watch each week. It has certainly been an interesting time where we’ve gotten to know each other a bit better, hasn’t it? (Chuckles)

HERMIONE: (Slinks down in her chair.) Can I just leave?

SNAPE: If you run, I will hex you.

HERMIONE: (Glances over at RON and gulps.) I’ll just stay then. (Catches sight of the FLUMES at the HUFFLEPUFF table with the other employers and blanches.) What are THEY doing here?!

RON: (looking away) I don’t know. That’s really strange.

DUMBLEDORE: Before we start hearing your reviews, there is a special award I would like to bestow on one of the Muggles who went above and beyond to make this show such an immense success. And so, I would like to present this Dumbie Award for “Muggle to Spend the Most Time with VOLDEMORT and Live to Tell the Tale” to Cameraman ED for his outstanding courage. (Beams and holds out a little trophy.)

(ED staggers forward, looking oddly pale and his gait stilted. The room is still as everyone watches his progress. DUMBLEDORE alone claps as he moves forward.)

HARRY: Umm…

LUNA: (Cocking her head.) He looks a bit different, doesn’t he?

TONKS: (Eyes widening in dawning comprehension.) He’s an INFERIUS!

(ED reaches DUMBLEDORE, and instead of taking the trophy, he goes for DUMBLEDORE’s arm.)

DUMBLEDORE: Perhaps I misspoke. Incendio!

(Several people shriek as ED goes down in flames.)

SKIP: (Camera wobbles) ED!

DUMBLEDORE: (cheerfully) Most unfortunate. I suppose I should have seen that one coming. Ah well. Shall we proceed?

(DUMBLEDORE drones on.)

DRACO: Mother, I thought you said you invited everyone! Where are they?

NARCISSA: I told you I needed more invitations!

DRACO: And where is Dad? Surely you got him out of Azkaban!

NARCISSA: It seems there was an oversight.

DRACO: What oversight?

NARCISSA: We were one short, DRACO! One short! And do you know, can you guess, who I neglected to invite first? Can you?

DRACO: BELLATRIX?

NARCISSA: No, DRACO! The Dark Lord himself! (Throws her arms up.) I forgot about him, thanks to you.

DRACO: How is this my fault?

NARCISSA: It doesn’t matter. We’re going to be severely disciplined when we get home. Again. He’ll probably snap your wand.

DRACO: My wand? But it’s not my fault!

NARCISSA: Really, DRACO, this incessant whining is beneath you.

DRACO: (Fumes silently for a moment.) But why didn’t anyone else come?

NARCISSA: Think! They refused to come because we shunned the Dark Lord. We’ll probably be forced to undergo a serious intervention.

DRACO: Not another one! Argh!

(DUMBLEDORE drones on. The door opens and a large black dog pads in with a bundle in its mouth. It walks over to LUPIN and sits.)

LUPIN: (Whispers) SIRIUS? What are you doing here? I thought you were in hiding!

(The dog transforms.)

SIRIUS: Couldn’t turn down the invitation, could I? (Winks at HARRY and scans the crowd) Usual crowd of Death Eaters hasn’t turned up. That’s lucky. No Ministry officials? Brilliant! Scoot down a bit, will you, MOONY?

LUPIN: Sure. (Scoots down one chair.)

SIRIUS: A couple more.

TONKS: (Rolls her eyes as she refuses to scoot.) Aren’t you supposed to be dead?

SIRIUS: Come on, Cuz.

(They oblige.)

SIRIUS: Thanks! (He opens his bundle and takes out a stuffed Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and sets it in the last seat. He then sits by the reindeer. He places a stuffed rat between LUPIN and himself.)

LUPIN: You have to be kidding me.

TONKS: What’s all this?

LUPIN: (Going down the line.) Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs.

SIRIUS: The Marauders live again!

HARRY: (Watching from across the table.) Why does my dad have a red nose?

SIRIUS: He was on sale.

DUMBLEDORE: Let us move on to the reviews. Please welcome MR. and MRS. FLUME from Honeyduke’s.

HERMIONE: First? Why do I have to be first? (Slouches in her seat)

LUNA: You should have married SNAPE, HERMIONE.

HERMIONE: How would that help? Oh. They’re going alphabetically?

HARRY: At least you’re getting it over with.

HERMIONE: (acidly) That’s such a comfort.

MR. FLUME: Miss HERMIONE GRANGER is a very intelligent and efficient employee. She is responsible and organized. We were very pleased with her work ethic and enthusiasm.

HERMIONE: (Faint with relief.) I can’t believe it.

MRS. FLUME: However, she does not appreciate the benefit of years and years of experience, and she could do better taking correction.

HERMIONE: (Weakly) I spoke too soon.

MR. FLUME: With all this in mind, we've given MISS GRANGER the rating of "Acceptable."

(Clapping breaks out in the Great Hall.)

HERMIONE: Noooo!

RON: (Putting an arm around her shoulders as she buries her face in her arms.) Acceptable! That's great, HERMIONE!

HERMIONE: (Whips head up with a glare) Maybe for you. I've never gotten less than "Exceeds Expectations!"

RON: (Withdraws arm) Fine then.

(More reviews are given. RON receives “Poor”. HARRY receives “Acceptable”. DRACO originally receives a “Troll”, but with a dark look from NARCISSA, the PROPRIETOR changes his review to “Acceptable”. TONKS receives an “Exceeds Expectations” – “owing to the fact that we thought she would destroy the entire store beyond repair but she didn’t”. LUNA receives “Acceptable”.)

DUMBLEDORE: Please welcome MADAM PUDDIFOOT for Professor SNAPE’S review.

MADAM PUDDIFOOT: Thank you so much, Professor DUMBLEDORE for sharing SEVERUS with me for these few weeks. He has been a complete joy to have in my shop. (She smiles at SNAPE who narrows his eyes.)

HARRY: Huh?

HERMIONE: A joy?

RON: Is he using the Imperius Curse on her?

TONKS: (Checks his eyes from across the table) I don’t think so.

MADAM PUDDIFOOT: His work was superb. His ethics were above reproach.

RON: (Chokes on a sip of butterbeer.) WHAT! He didn’t even take my order!

MADAM PUDDIFOOT: His improvements to my teas were sheer genius. It is my complete pleasure to award him the mark of “Outstanding”, for he is outstanding in every way! (SNAPE is slumping in his chair a dark blush forming on his sallow cheeks, obviously uncomfortable. He flicks out his wand as he briefly considers hexing her but puts it away at TONKS’ disapproving glare.)

LUNA: Oh, HERMIONE. I think you might have some competition. You never should have given up on him. I’m afraid you might have lost him now.

HERMIONE: I just threw up a little in my mouth.

RON: (Looks horrified.) Ew.

HERMIONE: Come off it, RON. It’s just an expression. (Evident relief washes over his face.)

MADAM PUDDIFOOT: In fact, I have made SEVERUS a little award for the services he has rendered in my shop.

(RON spews out butterbeer.)

HERMIONE: Ew.

(MADAM PUDDIFOOT comes down and walks to SNAPE. She holds out a piece of pink parchment to him. He makes no move to accept, so she puts it on the table in front of him. She leans over and gives him a peck on his angular cheek. )

SNAPE: (Jolting up from the table with his wand ready. ) Avada . . .

TONKS: (Up in a snap. Disarms SNAPE.) Expelliarmus! (Snape sits, miffed.) Thank you, MADAM PUDDIFOOT. I’m sure he’s most appreciative.

Confessional

Caption SNAPE: I would have been doing the world a favor.

SNAPE: (Looking at the parchment.) What are all of these squiggles on the i’s?

TONKS: Let me see. (Leans over and breaks out in laughter.) They’re hearts!

SNAPE: Incendio! (The parchment bursts into flames.)

DUMBLEDORE: That is a handy spell, isn’t it?

SNAPE: (Scowls)

DUMBLEDORE: It seems that the prize of 100 Galleons and the Quidditch World Cup tickets goes to SEVERUS SNAPE! (A smattering of applause.)

DRACO: It should have been mine.

SNAPE: (Stepping up to the podium and smugly accepting the velvet pouch and tickets from DUMBLEDORE) I must say, there never was any real competition. I, obviously, am overqualified for the mindless tasks I was set to complete. It seems almost unfair to accept this award.

DUMBLEDORE: (Reaches for the award) If you would like it to be awarded to someone else –

SNAPE: (Grips his prizes firmly.) However. Though it seems unfair to accept this award from the clutches of children –

TONKS: Hey! I resent that!

LUPIN: DORA, I hate to point this out, but you are wearing a Team Edward shirt.

SNAPE: As I was saying. (Glowering) Not one of these silly housemates had to put up with the difficult circumstances during this experience that I have had to endure. Love potions. Disparaging comments. Creating antidotes. Giggling girls. MADAM PUDDIFOOT. Lengthy snogging sessions.

HARRY: (Whispering) He had lengthy snogging sessions?

RON: (Grimacing ) With MADAM PUDDIFOOT?

HERMIONE: I don’t think he meant he snogged MADAM PUDDIFOOT. I think he means that he had to listen to . . . certain people snogging in the confessional.

(HARRY mouths “Oh” and GINNY blushes.)

SNAPE: Senseless jewelry. Tea. Endless drabble. Human Interaction. I accept this award as my due right and hope not to see any of you imbeciles until the start of next term where you will once again be dumped into my class which you have only the slightest hope of passing with an “Acceptable”.(Cruelly directs this at HERMIONE. He gives a small, curt bow and goes back to his seat, tucking his prizes in his robes.)

LUNA: My, he’s in a cheery mood.

TONKS: I bet I can get those tickets.

LUPIN: You wouldn’t.

TONKS: Accio SNAPE’S tickets! (The parchment tickets fly out of SNAPE’s robes and into her hand without his knowledge.) Excellent!

SIRIUS: (Barks) HA! How many are there? Four? (TONKS nods.) Quick. He’s looking this way! Hide them! (SNAPE scowls at them then returns his attention to DUMBLEDORE)

DUMBLEDORE: (beaming) Congratulations, Severus! Now, before we depart for the evening, there are few more Dumbies I have to bestow for you are all winners in your own right. First, I would like to present the Dumbie Award for "Most Enterprising" to MISS LUNA LOVEGOOD!

(Camera zooms in on the trophy, which is a gold statue of DUMBLEDORE in miniature to the smattering of applause from the guests.)

LUNA: How lovely!

DUMBLEDORE: (Continues as LUNA skips to the front of the hall to get her trophy) I understand that she started her own line of protective jewelry while working at Gladrags Wizarding Wear and has become an overwhelming success. (Shakes LUNA's hand and surrenders the Dumbie.) Congratulations!

LUNA: Thank you, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: And this next Dumbie for "Most Likely to Read Other People's Post" goes to . . . HARRY POTTER!

HARRY: (Jaw drops and sits frozen.)

DUMBLEDORE: (Peering around the Great Hall.) HARRY POTTER?

HERMIONE: (Nudging him) That's you!

DUMBLEDORE: (More firmly.) HARRY POTTER!

HERMIONE: (Really pushing now.) Go, HARRY!

DUMBLEDORE: (Bellowing.) HARRY POTTER!!!

HARRY: (Grumbling but heading to the front.) Unbelievable.

DUMBLEDORE: (Eyes twinkling now.) There's the young scamp! Tried to throw away our post for the Voldemort Fan Club. Here you go, son!

HARRY: Er, thanks.

DUMBLEDORE: Off you go! This next award is very special.

RON: (Leaning over to HARRY as he sits down.) That was bang out of order, mate.

HARRY: Oh, shut it.

DUMBLEDORE: This Dumbie Award for "Who's That Witch?" goes to MS. NYMPHADORA TONKS!

TONKS: (Pumps her fist in the air.) Yes! Another prize!

DRACO: (Grumbling over DUMBLEDORE'S droning.) This is so unfair. She gets a prize for her pranks, and I got disqualified!

NARCISSA: Patience, DRACO. This is a small victory. When all is said and done, you will be remembered more than that blood-traitor.

DUMBLEDORE: Dumbie for “Should Have Been a Fictional Character” goes to CEDRIC DIGGORY!

RON: There’s something not right about that award.

HARRY: Just that one?

(CEDRIC emerges from a back table and takes his award. HERMIONE and TONKS sigh.)

RON: He’s not real, you know.

TONKS: What are you talking about? Looks flesh and blood to me.

RON: Edward. He’s fictional.

Confessional

Caption TONKS: Can you say obsessed? Someone’s got to help that boy with his insecurities.

(DUMBLEDORE continues handing out awards ("Longest Snog"-Ginny Weasley, "Shiniest Hair"-Severus Snape, "Most Likely to Marry One of Her Professors"- Hermione Granger), not noticing that the crowd is getting more and more restless.)

LUPIN: (In a low voice, leaning across the table) Do you think he's nearly finished?

TONKS: (Glancing worriedly at the seething HERMIONE) He better be, I think.

DUMBLEDORE: And it gives me great pleasure to present this Dumbie Award to a very brave young lad: MR. RONALD WEASLEY for "Most Likely to Go Up Against Someone He Has No Hope of Beating"!

RON: (Chokes on a sip of butterbeer.)

SNAPE: (Chortles.)

RON: Bloody hell!

HERMIONE: (Waspishly.) Oh, go on!

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, he challenged both VOLDEMORT and SNAPE and yet here he stands to tell the tale.

RON: (Snatches the Dumbie with a flaming face.)

DUMBLEDORE: Would you care to tell the tale? (Chuckles.) Or tales, as it were?

RON: (Stiffly.) No thanks.

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, well. And last but not least, our final Dumbie Award for "Don't Go In There After Him" goes to DRACO MALFOY for his most inaccurate aim in the bathroom.

(Stunned silence rings through the hall.)

DRACO: (Going white with fury.) What?

NARCISSA: (Reproving) DRACO, really.

DUMBLEDORE: Come up here, young man! We can't leave until all the awards are given out.

(Snickering breaks out in the Great Hall.)

DRACO: I'm not going up there!

NARCISSA: For pity's sake. You wanted recognition. (Rolls her eyes.) Well, no one is likely to forget you now. Besides, I want to go home, and we can't until you pick up your award.

DRACO: (Glares poisonously.) Are you sure you're my mother?

Confessional

Caption DRACO: (Fuming) He might have mentioned that I was making a Port Key in the bathroom when my aim was off. I was trying for Harry’s glasses not the toilet. It might have worked if WEASLEY hadn’t messed it up.

Caption HARRY and RON: (Laughing uncontrollably and gasping in turn)

Caption HERMIONE: (Smiling indulgently at the boys.) Yes, DRACO's award kind of put the rest of ours in perspective. I guess I'm happy enough with mine after that.

Caption DUMBLEDORE: (Eyes twinkling) I think the feast was a smashing success. It's important to make everyone feel appreciated and recognized. The Dumbie Awards will help them all remember this wonderful experience. Maybe we'll make them a part of the End of Year feast.

HERMIONE: Is it finally over?

TONKS: Looks like.

LUPIN: (To HARRY) Where will you go for the remainder of your holiday?

HARRY: (Sullen) Back to the Dursley’s I guess.

RON: Nah, mate! You can come to the Burrow! There’s only a couple weeks left until the start of term anyways.

HARRY: I guess. It’s not like the Dursley’s will notice I’m gone.

RON: Great! HERMIONE’s coming, too.

LUNA: Poor Professor SNAPE, he’ll be so disappointed.

HERMIONE: (Deeply sighs.) I’m glad you’re coming, HARRY. (HARRY grins.)

DUMBLEDORE: Thank you all for your participation. We will be accepting applications for The Real World: Godric’s Hollow beginning in September. Be creative in your entries! But for now, I will leave you with these parting words: Nitwit! Oddment! Blubber! Tweak! (Camera zooms up to the enchanted ceiling as murmuring from the crowd break out – people well-wishing and saying goodbye can be heard as the un-focuses)

(Camera refocuses back at the Shack and travels through the rooms of the empty Shrieking Shack, focusing on an article of clothing here, a wadded up piece of parchment there, the occasional abandoned dungbomb. Fades to black on the front door.)

SNAPE’S VOICE: Where. Are. My. Tickets!


***
A/N: Well, here we are at the end of our journey! Thank you so much for reading our little fanfic and for taking the time to leave us reviews (hint hint). We hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as we've enjoyed writing it! It's a little bitter to be finished. Thanks for your support! -passerby and pepperimp





We are holding a reunion episode hostage, by the way. We could be tempted to write and post it if we get a lot of feedback.