Hey!! This is where you leave feedback for my new one-shot... jeez, I love writing this stuff. But I love to hear what you say even more! Questions, comments, and especially constructive criticism are all greatly appreciated. I'd even enjoy reading the most creatively nasty and insulting things you can come up with... or for you to just tell me that you read my story!
Here is Welcome Home.
Thanks, everyone!
Hugs,
Anna
Full Version: Feedback: Welcome Home
Lily/James Forever: Thanks for being the first to review my one-shot! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
In answer to your question about Sirius, (I always leave one unanswered question in my one-shots- I don't do it on purpose but it's bcoming a nasty habit!) I was thinking that he's a pretty tough guy. I've always seen him as someone who might have a very emotional side but doesn't show it very often because of his macho image. Part of that might be because of his childhood in the Black househole, which might have been a little harsh. So, I was assuming that he really didn't cry very often. Maybe he hadn't cried since he was a little kid, and he was about 21 when Lily and James died. 15 years from that would have been when he was about five or six, when he was young enough to be "allowed" to cry. So there's a very lengthy answer to your short question!
I also have a bit of a suggestion for you... instead of plugging your fics into your posts, it might be a good idea to put them in your signature. It could save you a lot of time, and it might be a little more effective.
Everyone else: feedback is greatly appreciated! Thanks so much!
Hugs,
Anna
In answer to your question about Sirius, (I always leave one unanswered question in my one-shots- I don't do it on purpose but it's bcoming a nasty habit!) I was thinking that he's a pretty tough guy. I've always seen him as someone who might have a very emotional side but doesn't show it very often because of his macho image. Part of that might be because of his childhood in the Black househole, which might have been a little harsh. So, I was assuming that he really didn't cry very often. Maybe he hadn't cried since he was a little kid, and he was about 21 when Lily and James died. 15 years from that would have been when he was about five or six, when he was young enough to be "allowed" to cry. So there's a very lengthy answer to your short question!
I also have a bit of a suggestion for you... instead of plugging your fics into your posts, it might be a good idea to put them in your signature. It could save you a lot of time, and it might be a little more effective.
Everyone else: feedback is greatly appreciated! Thanks so much!
Hugs,
Anna
Hi Anna! Sorry I didn't leave feedback earlier, I didn't realise you'd written a new one shot! And wow, that was brilliant! I love your writing, it's all so realistic and this was no exception!
The first part was so well described, how you wrote bout the sky and the stars; it really built up the atmosphere, and I could just see Sirius there in Godric's Hollow. It was so sad when he kept thinking 'it's okay' and kept shouting 'Prongs!'. It was almost as if he knew something was wrong, but he was too scared to admit it.
When he walked inside and found James' body, that almost made me cry! It was very emotional when Sirius was trying so desperately to find a pulse, and I can only imagine how hard it was for him to lose his best friend like that. It was so different to read it like this, because we lways read about it from Lily or James' points of view, but never in this sense, and I think it was beautiful!
The second part ... I loved how you made it so like the King's Cross chapter in DH! It was a really effective way of letting us know what was going on, and I think you did get that dreamlike feeling! Everything linked in so perfectly with what happened to Harry - especially when Sirius boarded the train - I remember how Harry was given the choice of whether he wanted to go back, or leave on the train, and I love how you linked it with Sirius's death. And the clothes as well! Again, it was a nice reminder, and it also makes me think about the connection between Harry and Sirius.
Because they were so close, they ended up at the same place when they died. It made me think about how when Harry 'died' he found himself at the place where he first left his old life, and it's the same for Sirius in a way, because he always had a tough family life, so he was similar to Harry like this, and I'm just wondering whether it was because of that that you used King's Cross ... ? I'm probably wrong but just my thoughts!!
And when they finally met, that was so sweet! I was expecting Lily to be there too, but the way you did it was better, as it highlights the relationship between James and Sirius when it's just the two of them.
I love your writing, and I think you should write more one shots, though I can understand that it may be difficult what with your WIP too ... which, I must say is coming along very nicely!
Wow that was a long post!!
~Amy <33
The first part was so well described, how you wrote bout the sky and the stars; it really built up the atmosphere, and I could just see Sirius there in Godric's Hollow. It was so sad when he kept thinking 'it's okay' and kept shouting 'Prongs!'. It was almost as if he knew something was wrong, but he was too scared to admit it.
When he walked inside and found James' body, that almost made me cry! It was very emotional when Sirius was trying so desperately to find a pulse, and I can only imagine how hard it was for him to lose his best friend like that. It was so different to read it like this, because we lways read about it from Lily or James' points of view, but never in this sense, and I think it was beautiful!
The second part ... I loved how you made it so like the King's Cross chapter in DH! It was a really effective way of letting us know what was going on, and I think you did get that dreamlike feeling! Everything linked in so perfectly with what happened to Harry - especially when Sirius boarded the train - I remember how Harry was given the choice of whether he wanted to go back, or leave on the train, and I love how you linked it with Sirius's death. And the clothes as well! Again, it was a nice reminder, and it also makes me think about the connection between Harry and Sirius.
Because they were so close, they ended up at the same place when they died. It made me think about how when Harry 'died' he found himself at the place where he first left his old life, and it's the same for Sirius in a way, because he always had a tough family life, so he was similar to Harry like this, and I'm just wondering whether it was because of that that you used King's Cross ... ? I'm probably wrong but just my thoughts!!
And when they finally met, that was so sweet! I was expecting Lily to be there too, but the way you did it was better, as it highlights the relationship between James and Sirius when it's just the two of them.
I love your writing, and I think you should write more one shots, though I can understand that it may be difficult what with your WIP too ... which, I must say is coming along very nicely!
Wow that was a long post!!
~Amy <33
Amy--: Thank you so much for the review! I just stumbled across it... I didn't even know it was here!
Thank you so much for your time and kind words... as an excellent author yourself, I'm sure you understand how meaningful a nice piece of feedback is!
Well, I'm glad you liked the opener. For some reason, I always shy away from writing the main characters' names in the first paragraph of a one shot. I just read back over the other ones I posted and noticed that pattern... weird... but it's nice to hear that you thought it was good!
I tried to make it pretty emotional... I think I could have spared more words, but I agree that it would be absolutely heart wrenching to find your best friend's body. I'm glad you like the unique viewpoint of the story... although I'm not the only one; Layla's super-cool You'll Fall For Me also used Sirius' point of view.
Well, I didn't want to make up my own interpretation of death, I thought it would be safest to go with what JK Rowling's idea was... and hers was such a cool idea that I stuck with it. It's also a load off my back that someone thought the style of the second part was okay, as I was somewhat dissatisfied.
Actually, your idea of why Sirius went to King's Cross is much more imaginative than mine! I'll just go with that...
I didn't have such a detailed plan in my mind.
Thanks for the encouragement! I do love writing one shots, so you'll probably see another sometime soon. Thanks for the feedback!
As you can see, I enjoy writing novel-length replies to feedback... Oh, well. Thanks!
Hugs,
Anna
Thank you so much for your time and kind words... as an excellent author yourself, I'm sure you understand how meaningful a nice piece of feedback is!
Well, I'm glad you liked the opener. For some reason, I always shy away from writing the main characters' names in the first paragraph of a one shot. I just read back over the other ones I posted and noticed that pattern... weird... but it's nice to hear that you thought it was good!
I tried to make it pretty emotional... I think I could have spared more words, but I agree that it would be absolutely heart wrenching to find your best friend's body. I'm glad you like the unique viewpoint of the story... although I'm not the only one; Layla's super-cool You'll Fall For Me also used Sirius' point of view.
Well, I didn't want to make up my own interpretation of death, I thought it would be safest to go with what JK Rowling's idea was... and hers was such a cool idea that I stuck with it. It's also a load off my back that someone thought the style of the second part was okay, as I was somewhat dissatisfied.
Actually, your idea of why Sirius went to King's Cross is much more imaginative than mine! I'll just go with that...
I didn't have such a detailed plan in my mind.Thanks for the encouragement! I do love writing one shots, so you'll probably see another sometime soon. Thanks for the feedback!
As you can see, I enjoy writing novel-length replies to feedback...
Oh, well. Thanks!Hugs,
Anna
Wow. Why didn’t I read this before? Sorry for that!
Anna, that’s pretty good. Just as you, I liked the first part the most. It was so great, and I must admit that I had tears in my eyes. It his me really hard in the part where Sirius dropped to his knees. I sort of realized what had happened there. Wow. Very beautifully written I have to say!
As for the second part. I’d say it was okay. But I think it sort of went too fast in the middle (the start of the end was pretty good! Where he died and wished to say something to Harry)… If you read that part where Harry ‘die’ in DH you’ll see much more hesitation and wonder of where he is and what to do. I missed that. But the very last lines were just… *sigh* everything was just right.
A really good one-shot I think. Hope to see some more in the future. 
Anna, that’s pretty good. Just as you, I liked the first part the most. It was so great, and I must admit that I had tears in my eyes. It his me really hard in the part where Sirius dropped to his knees. I sort of realized what had happened there. Wow. Very beautifully written I have to say!
As for the second part. I’d say it was okay. But I think it sort of went too fast in the middle (the start of the end was pretty good! Where he died and wished to say something to Harry)… If you read that part where Harry ‘die’ in DH you’ll see much more hesitation and wonder of where he is and what to do. I missed that. But the very last lines were just… *sigh* everything was just right.
A really good one-shot I think.
Hope to see some more in the future.
What a beautiful one-shot, Anna! I’ve never read anything by you, which I now realize is a serious mistake. This will have to be corrected soon.
The language and imagery of your story is so precise, lovely and touching. It is most apparent from your text that you really work hard to choose the one exact word that describes the situation the best. Like it has been already pointed out before me, your commencement of the story with establishing the atmosphere is great. Your reader can virtually feel right into the story.
Also, you manage to portray Sirius’ emotions so well and accurate in the first part. I can’t even imagine what he must have felt having to face such a scene of sheer disaster. But you make him react in so natural and human way. Well-done!
I really enjoyed reading the story. And just imagine, all the praise is coming from a person who doesn’t even like the Marauders because they used to make the life of poor Severus so difficult. In other words, you’ve done a fantastic job with your writing!
Thank you for such a nice story!
And I wish you good luck with any of your further writings.
~Jana *strolls away in search of Anna’s other one-shots*
The language and imagery of your story is so precise, lovely and touching. It is most apparent from your text that you really work hard to choose the one exact word that describes the situation the best. Like it has been already pointed out before me, your commencement of the story with establishing the atmosphere is great. Your reader can virtually feel right into the story.
Also, you manage to portray Sirius’ emotions so well and accurate in the first part. I can’t even imagine what he must have felt having to face such a scene of sheer disaster. But you make him react in so natural and human way. Well-done!
I really enjoyed reading the story. And just imagine, all the praise is coming from a person who doesn’t even like the Marauders because they used to make the life of poor Severus so difficult. In other words, you’ve done a fantastic job with your writing!
Thank you for such a nice story!
And I wish you good luck with any of your further writings.
~Jana *strolls away in search of Anna’s other one-shots*
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