Chapter 1: Midnight Morning Sickness
For twenty-three years she had called this room home. She knew every inch of the place, every poster, every colorful piece of furniture, every messy pile of neglected junk. But despite all its familiarity, her old bedroom in her parents’ house no longer felt like home for Nymphadora Tonks tonight. She belonged somewhere else; in the home that until two days earlier had been filled with love and security. The memory of that dreadful afternoon disturbed her. She remembered returning home from a visit to Molly, blissfully unaware that her world was about to shatter around her.
She had opened the front door to find her husband sitting on a large packing trunk in the front hall. The pale, vacant look on Remus’ face frightened her the moment she saw it. She had seen him looking ill very often, but this was different. He did not meet her eyes. “Remus, what’s this?” she indicated towards the trunk upon which he sat. “I didn’t know we were going on holiday?” she attempted to tease him.
She chuckled nervously but he did not crack a smile, as though her joke went unnoticed. After an awkward moment of silence, he spoke “You need to stay with your parents for a while. Harry needs me for whatever mission it is that Dumbledore left him…I have to go and find him.”
Tonks’ eyes were flooded with tears before it even sunk in what he was saying. She stared at him in silence for several minutes. He kept his eyes on the floor. Finally when she did speak it was with a voice so full of shock and hurt that it was barely more than a whisper. “You’ve been miserable ever since we found out about the baby. So I won’t ask you to stay if your heart’s set on leaving.” She noticed his face flush as she mentioned her pregnancy, exactly the reaction she hoped he’d have. How could he possibly think Harry needed him more than she and the baby? Had he forgotten she was now a prime target of one of the fiercest Death Eaters? Didn’t he realize how frightened she was?
Still avoiding her gaze he said nothing; his continued silence only made her temper flare. She tugged the handle of the trunk dragging it forward before Remus had time to stand. As he stumbled to his feet, he said quietly, “Here, let me get that for you” but with as much fiery viciousness as she could pour into each syllable she replied, “I can manage alone, thank you!”
Tonks then proceeded to drag the trunk outside as noisily as possible out past the point where their protective spells reached, and magicked the trunk to her parents’ house. Before apparating there herself, she turned back to Remus once more.
He was leaning against the doorframe watching her with a pained expression, his grey-brown hair draped messily over his blue eyes. She was waiting for him to say something…anything…maybe to beg her to come back, or to shout out “April Fools!” and crack up laughing, or at least to say a heartfelt and emotional goodbye full of promises to return as soon as possible. But instead he said nothing.
Feeling the need to cause him one last stab of pain, Tonks called out “So I’ll just send an owl when the baby’s born, if you even care to know!” And with that she turned on the spot and was gone.
She felt terrible about it now, the fact that her final words were meant purely to hurt him. She had watched him suffering inside for weeks. She understood the stress and turmoil he was feeling over the war and fatherhood, yet she let her temper and her pride get the better of her. She couldn’t even bring herself to say ‘I love you’ even though it was obviously what Remus wanted and needed to hear. Now he’d gone off on another dangerous mission – what if, God forbid, she never got another opportunity to tell him? What if she never got to see him cradle his child in his arms? No… she told herself, she mustn’t think like that. He will come home. We will be together again, all three of us.
Feeling slightly stronger as this wave of hope washed over her, she sat up on the bed and something on her nightstand caught her eye. It was a picture taken of her and her parents in front of the lake after her graduation from Hogwarts. She was wearing her best dress robes decorated with every piece of Hufflepuff paraphernalia she owned and smiling as widely as if she’d just won a thousand galleons. Andromeda and Ted Tonks stood on either side of her beaming proudly at their only child’s passage into adulthood.
Her parents had not been pleased to find their newlywed daughter or her luggage on their doorstep, but they welcomed her all the same. Her Mom and Dad had always been very fond of Remus and spoke highly of how well he treated her. They rarely discussed the fact that he was a werewolf, as though they seemed keen on forgetting about it. They had cautioned her that choosing to marry him would pose certain challenges in the future, but they knew how deeply she loved him and they respected her decision.
When she arrived back at their home two days ago, Tonks hadn’t given them any details about the separation, and she continued to keep her pregnancy a secret. She couldn’t bear to discuss that now; that announcement should be saved for a happier time, although she wouldn’t be able to hide her pregnancy for much longer before it became obvious. She was in such a sullen mood anyway no one questioned why she had spent most of the last two days lying in bed acting depressed and queasy.
Tonks lay back down, staring blankly at an old Weird Sisters poster. The chiming of the grandfather clock in the hall let her know it was midnight. She hadn’t heard movement from her parents’ bedroom for several hours.
Another wash of hormones pulsed through her. Morning sickness, as she was learning, was not only limited to mornings. For her it was a constant ebb and flow of extreme dizziness and heightened emotions. These intense emotions made it impossible for her to focus on anything but Remus.
She loved her husband with all of her mind, body and spirit, so the morning she first suspected she might be pregnant was one of the happiest moments of her entire life. They hadn’t discussed the possibility of having a family, but now she couldn’t imagine anything more wonderful. There was so much love between them, it seemed so natural they should share that love with a child.
Remus had been shocked when she shared her suspicions with him the night before Bill and Fleur’s wedding. She wasn’t sure how he would react to the news, but she was completely unprepared for the way he began to shut her out. There was no more comfortable flirting and teasing. No more heartfelt conversations lasting until early hours of the morning. No more long afternoons spent snuggling and chatting about anything and everything. It was as though he couldn’t stand to think about the prospect of a baby, and therefore couldn’t stand to be with her.
His expressive blue eyes were full of fear and guilt on the few occasions when she engaged him in eye contact. The changes he saw in Tonks seemed to frighten him – the dizziness, her increased appetite and even her rosy glow all appeared to make him uncomfortable. These symptoms were tangible, visible proof that new life was growing inside of her. Tonks wanted to share these moments with him. They should have been the most joyous times of their marriage but instead she kept her happiness to herself, all the while praying that the innocent life inside of her couldn’t feel the tension rising between his parents.
An owl hooted softly outside her open window. Could it possibly mean contact from Remus? Hope ignited her heart and directed her feet across the room. A warm breeze blew Tonks’ brown hair across her shoulders as she peeked out into the dark sky. But there were no birds in sight.
Flopping back down on the bed, she worried that after the way she had spoken to him he probably would not want to write to her anyway. The tears hiding just below the surface came spilling out.
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Chapter 2: Punctuality Pays
At that very moment a tall, cloaked shadow made its way up High Street in Hogsmeade, tracing its footsteps over and over again as though it had no destination.
‘Coward…coward!?’ Harry’s words from earlier that evening rang in Remus’ ears as clearly as if he were still standing in the basement of Grimmauld Place. Fury mingled with shame and self-doubt until he thought his heart might burst open. Hearing Harry’s perception of the situation made his actions sound so cold ‘So you’re just going to abandon your wife and kid…You want to play the hero…People shouldn’t leave their kids unless they have to.’
How had it come to this? It wasn’t cowardice. No…Remus knew it was weakness. Weakness led him to fall head over heels in love. Weakness led him to give in to it against his better judgment. Weakness led him to become intimate spiritually and physically with the woman he loved, even though he knew what the consequences might be.
He felt an overwhelming sense of guilt as he remembered the child he had created with Tonks. If, heaven forbid, the baby should be a werewolf he would never forgive himself for being so weak and selfish. But he knew how horribly wrong it was to feel this way. He was ashamed of his fear that the child might share his condition. But he still couldn’t make the fear go away.
Would Tonks love their baby any less should it be born a werewolf? Remus could answer that question without hesitation. No, Tonks would love his son or daughter with all of her heart, whether it was fully human or not. Could he say the same for himself? Was his desire to go with Harry really a way to escape from his fear and guilt?
At the top of the hill he reached the fence that barricaded the Shrieking Shack. As he leaned against the fence he closed his eyes to think. He could remember vividly how Tonks looked the last moment he saw her. Her tearstained face was a devastating memory for him. It felt like punishment now to see it so clearly. Yet she had every right to be furious with him. He opened his eyes but his vision of her would not fade.
Remus absentmindedly kicked a stone in the dirt, but this small physical exertion was not enough to cure his aching. So he resumed his pacing, lost in thought, heading down the hill through the village once more.
She was such a strong, intelligent woman but he had left her looking devastated and defeated. He tried to rinse away that image by remembering the love of his life looking happy. He searched his memory for the very first time he met Tonks.
It was the evening of the first meeting of the Order at Grimmauld Place. Remus was upstairs showering and getting dressed when he heard the doorbell. Mrs. Black began her usual screaming tirade, awakening every portrait in the vacinity. He heard Sirius rumbling down the stairs followed by a scuffle in the front hall. Remus hurriedly tossed a tie around his neck, grabbed his jacket and headed downstairs to help Sirius quiet his mother.
When he reached the bottom landing he found himself standing beside an attractive and friendly looking young woman with bright pink hair. She was wearing a long eggplant robe over a pink T-shirt and dark jeans. In the chaos, he wasn’t sure she even noticed him there.
“You get down to the kitchen while we straighten this out!” Sirius was shouting to her.
“You go on ahead, I’ll take care of them,” Remus gestured for Sirius to follow his cousin downstairs.
Once he had silenced each of the portraits he found himself checking his reflection in the hallway mirror. His tiny new feeling of hope and excitement dimmed slightly as his eyes drifted over the deep scars etched in his face years ago. He had long since given up on having a relationship. It was far less painful to just accept being alone. Still, he tied his tie and smoothed his hair flat anyway.
Entering the kitchen he hesitated at the bottom of the steps, listening to the cousins’ conversation. The young woman stood by the table, her back toward the stairs. “Honestly Sirius, what’s the fun in having a rare magical gift if you want me to use it to look conservative?!”
“Just for your first meeting, so folks will take you seriously. Please.” Sirius replied, his voice expressing both frustration and amusement.
“Okay,” she sighed, and with a small pop Remus watched her punk-inspired pink hair instantly became a shiny, chestnut brown bob. “Sorry about your mother. I figured she’d be used to the doorbell by now. Weren’t you going to take her down?”
“Permanent sticking charm” Sirius mumbled.
“At this point we’d do better to dismantle the doorbell,” said Remus approaching them with a sarcastic smile. The young woman turned to him and smiled. She had beautiful dark eyes.
“Ah,” said Sirius, “Nymphadora Tonks, this is my old friend from Hogwarts, Remus Lupin.”
“Wotcher!” She continued to smile at him as he shook her hand.
Taking note of the awkward silence and the duration of their handshake, Sirius grinned as he continued the introductions. “Tonks just passed her Auror qualification exams. She is working for the ministry now.”
“Congratulations! That’s quite an accomplishment.” Remus responded. Was it his imagination, or did she blush a little as she said thanks?
“Remus’ most recent job was teaching at Hogwarts…until he was sacked, that is” Sirius continued, whimsically.
“I think it was the live werewolf demonstration when I nearly bit Harry Potter that tragically cut my teaching career short,” Remus added wryly. Why did Sirius always have to bring that up?
As Tonks chuckled, her eyes traveled over his scars. Obviously she hadn’t noticed them until that moment. But he figured it would save everyone a lot of trouble simply to be candid about his condition.
“So you’re a Werewolf, then?” she asked matter-of-factly. He nodded insecurely, carefully observing her reaction.
She smiled broadly, “Cool. I turn into a ferocious beast once a month myself, but my Mom says that’s a normal part of being a woman.” Remus felt himself laugh unnecessarily loudly and found he had taken an involuntary step closer to her. Tonks, who had turned back to Sirius, didn’t seem to notice.
“So, where is everyone? It’s 5:45.” She asked her cousin. “I thought we were supposed to be here at 5:30.”
“That was 6:30, Tonks.” Sirius answered. “The actual meeting doesn’t begin until 7; everyone’s arriving at 6:30.”
“Amazing, for once I’m early. Usually I’m at least 15 minutes late.” She said with laugh.
“Sirius and I were just about to eat dinner. Would you like to join us?” Remus asked, trying to hide the eagerness in his voice.
“If you have enough,” she said brightly.
“There’s always enough when your hosts are wizards!” Sirius replied.
“Great. How can I help?” and Tonks headed over to the counter. Remus handed her the bread and a knife, then began preparing the stew and tea.
He vaguely noticed Sirius muttering, “I’ll just go, ah…dismantle the doorbell…uh, right.” He winked at Remus and disappeared out of sight. Sirius didn’t reappear again until the rest of the Order had arrived. Remus and Tonks spent nearly an hour discussing everything from music to the war, their years at Hogwarts and their families. He found Tonks was very curious about his condition but not in a judgmental way. It was clear she had never met a werewolf before and just wanted to understand.
Sirius called down for them ten minutes before the meeting began. As they came into the drawing room they bumped into Minerva McGonagall.
“Why, Nymphadora!” she greeted Tonks, “You aren’t still the same sassy, impulsive, and clumsy girl you used to be?” she asked affectionately.
“’Fraid so, Ma’am” Tonks admitted looking a bit embarrassed. Remus couldn’t help but notice how adorable she looked.
“Good.” Minerva winked at her and gave her a hug. “You were the only student who didn’t even make it through the sorting ceremony before earning her first detention. Even the Weasley twins were already Gryffindors before their first offence.”
“I was causing a ruckus by changing my ears for the other kids while we were queuing up for the Sorting Hat.” Tonks explained to him.
“Ah, I see you have met Remus – he’ll be a good influence on you. There’s a lot you can learn from him...And it certainly is good to see you smiling,” she said to him. “Has life gotten any easier for you, Remus?”
He chuckled. “Easier? No…but happier, yes,” he answered sincerely.
“Well you deserve to be happy for once.” She said matter-of-factly and excused herself to find a seat.
Remus offered to get Tonks a butter beer from the corner table before they sat down themselves. As he neared the table he noticed Molly and Sirius were standing there whispering about something, but when he approached they stopped talking instantly. Molly looked embarrassed.
“I’m really sorry to burden you with this Moony, but I promised Tonks I’d introduce her around after the meeting, and well, I need to talk to Dumbledore about Harry instead. She can be a little annoying sometimes, but would you mind terribly showing Tonks around afterwards?” Sirius asked. Remus noticed Molly was wearing a twisted little grin. He had the feeling he knew what they had been whispering about, and why Sirius was now all the sudden too busy to spend time with his cousin.
“She isn’t annoying at all. I’d be happy to introduce her to everyone.” He answered.
“Uh oh.” Sirius called, his eyes twinkling “Better go save her from ‘Syphilis.’”
Remus turned to find Tonks had been cornered by Snape. He shot Sirius a stern glance to let him know he disapproved of his favorite new nickname for Snape, then grabbed Tonks’ drink and walked over.
Snape was saying, “You have changed a lot since you graduated, but all of the witches in your family are exquisitely beautiful.” Had it not been a little too creepy, Remus might have laughed at the way Snape was leering at her. Snape had always held a soft spot for the Black sisters.
The look on Tonks face was a hilarious mix of surprise and disgust, but she didn’t seem to know what to say and so remained silent. Remus handed her the butter beer and stood close by her side facing Snape. Snape appeared to notice the lack of distance between the two and the way Tonks briefly leaned against Remus' arm as they stood together.
“Good evening, Severus.” Remus said with a polite smile.
“Lupin.” Snape acknowledged him with pure spite in his waspish voice, “don’t you belong locked in your Shack at this time of night?”
“Did Nymphadora tell you the good news?” Remus continued, still smiling as if he hadn’t heard the werewolf jab. “She’s a fully qualified Auror now, working for the Ministry.”
Snape turned his disapproving stare towards Tonks instead. “Funny, as a student you never struck me as particularly competent in your studies. Must have gotten through on your good looks.”
“Now, wait just a minute…” Tonks began but Remus put his hand on her shoulder and steered her away towards a small settee in the corner.
“A pleasure as always, Severus…” Remus called over his shoulder, as they sat down. It was a tight fit for two but neither minded. “He was trying to get a rise out of you, you know.” Remus continued, “he wants to see you make a fool of yourself – all for being Sirius cousin and friends with me.”
“But he said…”
“No one in this room believes you are not perfectly capable. You wouldn’t be here if we did,” He calmly reassured her.
“…exquisitely beautiful – yuck” she made a squished face like having sucked a particularly sour lemon. Remus had to laugh.
“At least you got a compliment! He uses that same stupid insult about the Shreiking Shack every time he sees me. As if I’m ashamed of it or something.” Remus grumbled. Then a crazy whim took hold of him. Just as Dumbledore stood up to begin the meeting Remus leaned over and whispered “He is right you know!”
“What?! That you belong locked in a shack?” she hissed back softly, looking horrified at him.
Remus looked her straight in the eyes feeling a cheeky grin spread across his face. “No.”
It took Tonks a moment to realize exactly what Snape was right about, then her cheeks flushed a warm apricot color and she couldn’t hold in a giggle. Was it possible he was actually flirting with this girl, and that she actually didn’t seem to mind? She even seemed to be enjoying his attention.
The two became inseparable in their work for the Order. They were happy to find themselves assigned on missions together, and Remus taught her a lot about Death Eaters and the original Order. He loved to make her laugh and enjoyed teasing her incessantly about her name, her appearance or her clumsiness.
A warm summer breeze rustled his hair as Remus passed the shops of Hogsmeade. Each shop was closed and the windows were all dark. He supposed it must be after midnight now but he couldn’t face his empty house. Besides, he would not sleep. He never slept unless she was lying beside him. He had tried cuddling her pillow. It smelled like her, but that only made him miss her more. No…he would just keep walking…
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Chapter 3: Tulips and Undesirables
It was Valentine’s Day that Tonks first became sure Remus had romantic feelings for her, other than merely big-brotherly friendship. Remus was assigned to guard the Department of Mysteries door overnight from the 13th to 14th, so she had been disappointed at not seeing him when she arrived at Grimmauld Place for breakfast - Molly’s famous heart shaped pancakes with strawberry syrup.
When she reported to work at the main Auror desk later that morning there was a crowd of her coworkers gathered. One of the young men whooped at her as she curiously approached the crowd. On the desk she saw a plain glass vase holding a half-dozen bubblegum pink tulips. There was no card, just a typed label that read “Miss N. Tonks.”
She knew immediately who they must be from and couldn’t help the fluttery feeling she felt in her stomach as she thought about how sweet a gesture it was. Of course, the other Aurors gave her grief all day long about her secret admirer, but she didn’t mind.
When she arrived back at the Order Headquarters later that evening she found Sirius, Molly and Arthur chatting around the table in the kitchen. Remus was in the corner by the pantry fixing them all some tea. She rushed right over to him, threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.
“Thank you,” she said brightly.
“Thank me? For what?” Remus said with a deadpan expression.
“For the lovely flowers, Silly!” The others exchanged surprised glances.
“I haven’t the foggiest idea…” obviously he was playing dumb.
“Well, SOMEBODY left pink tulips for me at the Auror desk first thing this morning, and I can think of ONE somebody, who spent the night in the ministry, under an invisibility cloak none-the-less, who would have had plenty of opportunity to sneak in there this morning without anyone noticing.”
“I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about, Tonks. Rather presumptuous of you really…” Remus was out-right lying now but the broad smile on his face was incredibly charming all the same. He was always teasing her like this.
“Fine.” She gave up, “deny it all you like! That only further convinces me I’m right and it WAS you. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go up and use the restroom.”
As she reached the fourth step, she heard Arthur ask, “It was you though, wasn’t it?”
“Of course, but tormenting her about it is half the fun,” Remus answered, sounding triumphant. She even suspected he was aware she was still listening from the stairs.
“Dora, please let me in. I can hear you crying.” Andromeda’s voice carried through her locked door. “You need to talk to someone.” What time could it be? As Tonks sat up on the edge of the bed she suddenly felt dizzy and intensely fatigued. But she didn’t let it show as she opened the door for her mother.
“Hi, Mom.” Tonks stood back as Andromeda made herself comfortable on an indigo beanbag chair. Tonks dropped back down on the bed with a long sigh.
Being from the 'noble and most ancient house of Black,' her mother was never afraid to speak her mind. “You haven’t said why you left,” she stated matter-of-factly. “What did he do? Was he cheating? He didn’t hit you, did he?” Andromeda pushed her daughter for information.
“No, Mom. It’s nothing like that. Remus would never cheat on me, or hit me.” Tonks answered wearily. She felt horrible keeping more secrets from her parents, but they couldn’t be told that Remus was planning to join Harry Potter. They were all in enough danger as it was. On the other hand, she couldn’t allow them to believe he was untrustworthy or abusive either. “He loves me, I’m sure of that. And I didn’t leave him. There was something he had to do and he didn’t want me staying home alone. That’s all. It’s no big deal.”
“If it’s no big deal, then why have you been locked in this room for two days? You haven’t even come down for dinner. Your father and I are worried sick.” Andromeda continued to press. It was obvious she could sense her daughter was hiding more than a few secrets, and she was determined to unearth them. She decided to change the subject, “Do you remember when you stayed in St. Mungo’s hospital last year?”
“Of course. I was in pretty bad shape now that you mention it.”
“Well, you know Remus was the one who brought you in. He stayed by your side for hours until you woke up. He kept holding your hand and petting your hair. He didn’t even seem to notice us when your father and I arrived. You didn’t see how scared he was, but you must remember how relieved he was when you awoke. That’s when your father and I could tell how much he loved you. We knew then that the two of you belonged together.”
“Okay, Mom. What are you getting at?” Tonks rolled onto her back to avoid looking at her mother. It was clear Andromeda was trying to get her to open up, but she just couldn’t talk about him.
“Nothing. I just wish you would tell me the truth.”
Tonks looked down at the modest diamond band that once belonged to Cordelia Lupin. It was her most prized possession. The ring made her think back to the night of Dumbledore’s death. That was the night everything changed for the better.
Harry had just left the hospital wing with Minerva and Hagrid following Tonks’ outburst. Madame Pomfrey had asked her to escort the Lovegood girl back to the Ravenclaw tower, but Remus, who was to escort the remaining Gryffindors, insisted they all stick together. She figured that was simply a ruse to talk to her in private but talking wasn’t working. She was so tired of trying to convince him that she loved him and that they should be together; she was nearly on the verge of slugging him instead.
As they said goodnight to Hermione, Neville and the Weasleys, Ginny hugged her extra tight and whispered, “Don’t give up on Remus, he loves you…he’ll come around!”
And as the fat lady’s portrait slammed shut, it was just the two of them.
Immediately Tonks sped off up the hallway ahead of Remus. She didn’t really want to be alone with him – she couldn’t bear being rejected once again. But just as she reached the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom she felt someone grab the hood of her robe, and she stumbled backward.
The classroom was locked, but with the lightest touch of Remus’ wand she heard the door click open. Still gripping her robe, he shoved her inside rather unceremoniously in her opinion and carelessly flicked his wand to light the nearby lanterns. The sky was so dark outside of the tall windows that all she could see in them was their reflection. It was as if half-a-dozen mirrors surrounded them. She had been staring around the room fascinated to see it again after nearly seven years when she noticed Remus was watching her carefully.
“All right.” he said simply when their eyes met. His tone was calm and casual.
“What?” she asked completely perplexed and still a little tempted to get violent with him.
“All right. I surrender,” he looked exhausted but he was smiling now. “Being apart has made us both completely miserable, so if this is really, truly what you want…” Her frustration with him melted away as she watched him drop down on one knee. The windows around the room reflected six kneeling Lupins holding the hands of six elated Tonkses. His blue eyes sparkled merrily as he continued. “Nymphadora,” she decided to let him get away with it this time without correcting him, “I would be honored if you would marry...”
She didn’t even let him finish talking before she bent down, wrapped her arms around him and began kissing him passionately. Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days...
And the following days flew by for the couple in a whirlwind of emotion. Less than a month later they exchanged vows in the Tonks family’s garden. Molly and Arthur stood up for Remus, and Tonks’ parents gave her away. Their wedding day was everything she had ever wanted; the happiest of her entire life.
But unfortunately, that was when things began to go downhill outside of the relationship. Persecution from the ministry, as well as from her Aunt Bellatrix, caused tensions in the marriage from the very beginning.
She remembered going back to work the Monday morning following their wedding. Upon entering the Ministry lift she heard a low voice calling, “Good morning, Mrs. Lupin. Congratulations!”
“Oh, Wotcher Kingsley!” she couldn’t hide the beaming smile she’d been wearing for weeks. “Boy, word sure spreads quickly.” She told him all of the happy details as they walked the long corridor to Auror headquarters.
But as soon as they reached the main desk she knew something was wrong. Dolores Umbridge was waiting in the reception area holding a large carton and wearing an icy smile. “You are Nymphadora Tonks, correct?”
“Yes Ma’am, what can I do for you?” Tonks noticed Kingsley had stopped walking as well.
Umbridge ignored Kingsley’s presence entirely and continued on, her pale watery eyes boring holes into Tonks’ fiery dark ones. “It has been brought to the ministry’s attention that on Saturday, July the 12th you married the werewolf…” she paused as though searching her memory for an unimportant detail not really worth remembering, “…Regis Lupin.”
“Remus,” Tonks corrected her, trying desperately not to roll her eyes.
“Whatever…” Umbridge said with a dismissive wave of her bejeweled fingers. “As you have willingly entered into the union of marriage with an Undesirable, your services are no longer needed on the Auror task force. These are the contents of your cubicle,” she thrust the carton at Tonks’ chest. “Now Darling, will you leave quietly or must I order Shaklebolt, here, to escort you out?”
Tonks suddenly became aware that her jaw had dropped and was hanging limply somewhere between her shoulders and her waist. Blood rushed to her face; fire was burning in her cheeks. She had never really been the type of girl who would “leave quietly.”
She took a step towards Umbridge and felt a large hand clasp her shoulder. “Don’t answer back. That’s what she wants,” she heard Kinglsey whisper.
“No Kingsley, let me talk! This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life! Scrimgour always liked me. He won’t let this decision stand.”
Umbridge chortled as she watched Tonks’ outrage crescendo. “Sweetie, I’m acting on Rufus’ direct orders. Certainly you realized this would cost you your job?!” Umbridge smiled sweetly. As she turned to walk toward the lifts, she paused “Oh, and Dear, do be sure to contact the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures should you ever find yourself to be…uh, expecting. Shacklebolt, see her out immediately.”
The fire within Tonks erupted in volcanic fury, but the lift doors had closed. Umbridge was gone. “That obnoxious woman has never loved anyone in her miserable life!”
“You’ll just have to wait this out Tonks. When things improve around here I’m sure they’ll want you back,” Kingsley tried to reassure her, but she could hear the uncertainty in his voice.
“Oh God, how am I going to tell Remus?” She grabbed her carton and the two of them headed back to the elevators.
This chapter borders on PG-13 so scroll down to the next one if you’re a youngling – okay?
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Chapter 4: Confessions and Complications
Remus continued to walk aimlessly through the foggy village despite the early hour. Although it was summer, the temperature had gotten chillier as the wee hours of the morning dragged on. He was overcome with heartache and desperately wanted to choose the best course of action for his family…family…Listening to his footsteps echo on the empty road, he noticed it…For the first time he had thought of Tonks and her precious baby too, as his family.
He had spent the majority of his life convinced that he would always be alone although it wasn’t the lifestyle he wanted. Families were for healthier and luckier men to have. He had always been secretly jealous of James and Arthur, and would have traded any worldly possession to love and be loved like them. Then along came Tonks. Thanks to her he loved like he’d never loved anyone before. He could have known how wonderful family life could be – but was it too late? What hurt Remus most was the fact that this wasn’t the first time he had broken her heart by leaving her. He had made this same mistake once before.
It was two days before he was leaving for the werewolf colony and Tonks had dropped by with dinner and wine, offering to help him finish packing. He would be spending tomorrow, his final day and night of freedom, at the Burrow, as the Weasleys had declared him an honorary member of the family and wanted to send him off properly.
He should have foreseen the danger of being alone in his home with Tonks, especially after a very relaxing dinner and a few glasses of wine. Remus could feel his resistance was low.
They took their drinks into the family room. Tonks strolled around examining the various items that had once belonged to his parents. When she reached the hearth she stood staring at the mantle where he kept a few photographs. Standing just behind her, he smelled her perfume and watched the reflection of the firelight sparkle in her shoulder-length violet hair.
“Is that Harry?” she asked, pointing to a picture that showed a much younger Remus seated with a black-haired baby on his shoulders. A young, handsome and vivacious Sirius was standing behind them laughing and tickling baby Harry, who was preoccupied with pulling young Remus’ mustache.
“Yes, it is. Hard to tell without the scar. That was his 1st birthday party.” Remus replied, inching a bit closer under the pretense of having a better view.
“Wow, those must be your parents! You look a lot like your Mom.” Tonks was especially interested in the pictures of his parents.
“Looking back now and knowing what I know about the world – I was very fortunate they were as accepting and loving as they were. Many parents would not have kept a child like me. It couldn’t have been easy for them to live with my condition. But they fought to give me every opportunity available.” Emotions long buried were rising to the surface, and the ticking clock reminded him that the most challenging and depressing mission of his life lay just days ahead.
Tonks seemed to sense the immediate drop in his mood for she suddenly suggested they sit. His sofa was roomier than the settee they typically shared during meetings at Grimmauld Place. But now that they were completely alone Remus wasn’t sure what a respectable distance should be, so he left a few feet between them as he sat down beside her. Tonks initiated some casual conversation about how cozy his house was and how much she had enjoyed dinner.
Eventually the discussion changed to reminiscing about Sirius. Although this was not the first time they had talked about him since his death, their previous conversations had been filled with grief and disbelief at his mysterious passing. Tonight however they enjoyed sharing memories of the Marauders’ adventures in school, Sirius’ recent drunken rants about his mother or Kreacher (and occasionally Molly,) and Dung’s many humorous “business dealings” involving Sirius. Slowly the bottle of wine was becoming less and less full, and Remus was feeling warmer and much more content.
The chiming of the mantle clock jarred them from their happy memories. Tonks, who had been lounging comfortably in the shabby sofa’s corner nook, sat up straight in order to look at the clock. “Blimey! It’s 10 o’clock already. Did you need any help getting your things ready?”
“I think I pulled everything together by the time you arrived. Frankly I won’t be needing that much,” Remus gestured solemnly to a rucksack by the hallway door. “Thought it best to pack light since I’ll be living out of that for months at a time. I just packed some jeans and sweaters. I think ‘Malcolm’ will be less conspicuous in muggle clothing.”
“Malcolm?!” chuckled Tonks, spitting a dribble of wine back down her chin.
Remus had to laugh at her reaction. “Well, yes, Malcolm. That was my father’s middle name” he explained. She still looked like she thought he was joking. “Albus said I had to pick an alias, seeing as Wormtail probably warned Greyback that there’s a werewolf in the Order.” A look of understanding dawned on Tonks as he continued, “We’re banking on Peter not having shown them a picture of me.”
“You’re certain Greyback wouldn’t recognize you anyway…you know, from before?” Tonks asked darkly.
“No, I’m sure he wouldn’t remember just from seeing me; it was too long ago and I was just a little boy – but he would certainly recognize the name Lupin.” Without realizing it his eyes darted to the wedding photo of John and Cordelia Lupin smiling and kissing innocently on the mantle. He was reminded how his father speaking out against Voldemort’s original rise to power had changed all of their lives forever.
They sat in silence for a moment until Remus noticed Tonks was also lost in thought. “Knut for your thoughts?” he asked, raising an eyebrow and attempting to smile.
“Just trying not to worry about you.” She paused, taking a sip of wine, before going on, “I know it’s important that we know what Greyback is up to, and that you’ll be undercover, but still it’s dangerous.” Her dark eyes twinkled sincerely as she spoke, “You’re being so brave about it… if it was me I’d be miserable.”
Remus set his glass down on the table and turned his legs towards her. “If I’m perfectly honest would you think less of me?” he asked. After setting her glass down as well, she turned to face him and shook her head sympathetically.
He felt his throat swell under the strain of the tears he was holding back. He found it was easier to address her shoulders. “I don’t want to go,” he whispered, “I’m terrified of what they’ll make me do. They’re targeting people at full moons again, you know. God, Tonks, I couldn’t live with myself if I killed anyone – I’ve spent my entire life trying to prevent that from happening.”
She listened quietly as he released all of his fears, and then leaned in affectionately to embrace him. It was the first time he had voiced his concerns since he learned of his mission, and he was thankful she listened without making him feel ashamed. She was the one person he could be truly honest with. She understood him, maybe even better than he understood himself.
As they sat hugging in silence he let the tears flow. He knew she didn’t mind. He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her without telling her how he felt, and it was highly likely he would never have another opportunity. All that mattered to him at that moment was that she know the truth.
“I love you,” he said softly over her shoulder. He was taken aback by the desperation in his voice. But now that it was out he wondered could she feel the same?
Her arms gripped his shoulders even tighter and she said without hesitation, “I love you too. I think I have since the night we met.” He pulled back to look her in the eyes. They were wet with tears, like his, but she was smiling. She looked beautiful.
Before he could stop himself, before he was even aware of instigating it, he was kissing her. The unburdening of his fears, the pouring out of emotion combined with the wine encouraged them to take things far, maybe too far, without even wanting to stop themselves.
Remus woke the following morning from the soundest and most restful night’s sleep he’d had in years. Soft, dappled light shone through the windows despite the dense fog they’d been experiencing all spring. To his utter shock, he found his arms and legs intertwined with another warm body under the blankets.
From underneath a mess of vibrant, violet fringe a brown eye was peeking at him on the other end of his pillow. Catching his gaze Tonks smiled adoringly and snuggled even closer. Burying her face in his chest she whispered, “I love you so much.” He felt a tingly shiver rush through every nerve of his body that had nothing to do with the temperature of the room. Without another word he felt her breathing deeply and he knew she had fallen back asleep. He gently kissed the top of her head and stroked her back as he tried to remember how they came to be in his bedroom.
It felt wonderful to hold her and to hear her say those words, of course, but as he lie caressing her skin he was convinced this was a mistake. He paused for a moment to examine his hands; his nails were trimmed extremely short, as usual. There was no chance he’d scratched her. He inspected Tonks’ pale shoulder for teeth marks, snorting out loud as he thought ‘Don’t be stupid Remus, you were not gnawing on her!’ But he couldn’t help but worry. He had never allowed himself to lose control with a woman before.
Tonks lazily stirred and rolled over so her back was pressing flat against his chest. His free arm now stroked her smooth tummy, and she purred contentedly. But he couldn’t shake the worry he felt. Even if he hadn’t contaminated her, he was still much too old for her. Although the difference in their ages never kept them from finding common ground as friends, thirteen years seemed like huge hurdle for a romantic relationship. She was so young, so colorful and full of life, why would she ever want to be with someone like him? There was absolutely nothing he could offer her.
But, he reminded himself hopefully, he had finally told her he loved her. It had been on the tip of his tongue, held back every day for the past year. He had tried to show her with every look and every gesture. But now she knew how he felt, it was undeniable.
She hadn’t laughed dismissively or accused him of joking around as he often did. Neither had she gotten angry and stormed out. His confession hadn’t led to an awkward silence or to her pitying him. No, she had answered him immediately, earnestly telling him she loved him too, and always had.
Tenderly Remus brushed a lock of glistening hair from her neck and began kissing the spot of skin he exposed, desperately wanting to give himself permission to surrender. He was aware that her hands had found his arms and were drawing them tighter around her waist. She turned over to face him and he found the permission he was seeking in her eyes...
Later that evening they ate dinner with the Weasleys at the Burrow. Ginny and Ron had arrived home for the summer, bringing Hermione with them. Bill and Fleur were staying in the house as well, and dropped in for dessert. With so many people around the table, Remus was glad he wasn’t expected to carry on much conversation.
He continually caught himself staring at Tonks. She gave him little winks and flirtatious grins, as if the two of them shared a secret that no one else knew. But he found it difficult to relax and enjoy the food or the company, knowing that he would face leaving for the werewolf colony in the morning.
After dessert, the party moved to the parlor and Bill and Arthur struck up a conversation over a Daily Profit article about the troubles at Gringotts, while Fleur held different patches of satin fabric against Ginny’s long red hair to examine the effect they produced. Tonks sat down on the bench next to him, leaning up against his arm. She looked preoccupied. Neither one of them spoke.
Molly sent the teenagers upstairs around 9:30 (Ginny was the only one who was happy to go), and Fleur planted herself on Bill’s lap. Mrs. Weasley shot them a disapproving glare before turning her concentration back to her knitting.
Tonks turned to face him and spoke quietly so that no one else would hear. “Remus, there’s something I need to ask you.” He leaned in very close and looked deeply into her eyes, but her expression was unreadable. “I was just wondering, um…” she stuttered, “if we could, you know, make some kind of, well, commitment…you know, before you go away.”
Remus broke eye contact as his heart dropped in his chest like lead. This was the question he’d been fearing all day. He’d been praying that she wouldn’t ask because he knew what the answer must be.
“No,” he whispered softly, not lifting his gaze from his lap. Certainly his heart had stopped beating. There was a minute of deafening silence, before…
“What do you mean NO?!” Tonks shouted, rising to her feet. Arthur looked up wide-eyed from his Daily Profit and Molly let her knitting needles drop to the floor. Even Bill and Fleur turned their attention towards her, exchanging looks of sheer confusion.
Remus felt his temper rising, not at Tonks but at the situation. He rose to his full height towering over her, and stared her square in the eyes. He spoke softly but firmly, “I mean - NO, a middle-aged, unemployed werewolf is NOT good enough for you, NO.” He didn’t want to be having this discussion: not here, not now and certainly not in front of others.
Tonks’ face was a mixture of white-hot fury, utter disbelief and heart-broken despair all rolled into one. The young witch was radiating sparks of electricity that made the lamps in the room flicker and caused his hair to stand on end.
She stood on tiptoes and glared fiercely at him, stabbing a glittery purple fingernail into his chest as she spoke. “You should have told me that last night!” she shrieked wildly, “You said you loved me!” Tears overcame her and she sprinted for the back door without another word to anyone.
As Remus stood frozen on the spot he heard the telltale pop of Tonks’ disapparation. It was killing him to know he had broken her heart. He never meant to hurt her and he truly did love her, but he knew he couldn’t make a commitment to her for a number of different reasons.
He had always been an extremely private man, so he was horrified that she had mentioned spending the night together with everyone listening. He wasn’t naïve enough to believe his friends hadn’t noticed his fondness for Tonks, in fact Sirius had tormented him about her constantly. But the Weasleys’ good-natured concern for everyone’s wellbeing led to Molly especially being somewhat of a ‘busy body.’ There could be no denying what Tonks meant tonight – they would all know what had transpired between the two of them, and they would all have opinions about it. Tears were welling up inside of him as he felt the Weasleys’ stares burning through him.
“Thank you for dinner Molly. It was delicious. Goodnight!” he stated, not recognizing the voice that issued from his mouth. He darted towards the staircase avoiding eye contact with anyone.
“Remus, wait…” Molly called after him.
“Let him go… just let him go.” He heard Arthur mutter quietly.
As he reached the top of the stairs he heard Fleur who made no attempt to keep her voice down, “He is right - He is a werewolf and she is young enough to be his daughter.”
Remus shut the door to the twins’ bedroom remembering the expression on Tonks’ face. He dropped to the floor and cried quietly until he heard the others heading up to bed. He moved himself to the bed but didn’t sleep. He lay sobbing silently into his pillow all night.
By morning the dark clouds outside were pouring rain. It pounded heavily against the windows and strong winds shook the Burrow’s outer walls. Feeling miserable and exhausted, Remus dressed in his muggle clothes and headed downstairs for breakfast. He would be leaving immediately afterwards.
Molly smiled sympathetically and examined his face closely as he entered the kitchen. He wondered if it was obvious from the shadows under his eyes that he hadn’t slept at all, but she made no comment about his appearance.
“Good morning, Remus. Have a seat. Breakfast should be another twenty minutes.” She poured him a mug of coffee while he sat in silence. He was afraid she would inevitably bring up the argument from last night if they were left alone together much longer, so he was relieved when he heard footsteps on the stairs.
Ginny and Hermione were the next to come down: Ron apparently had fallen back asleep after his initial wake-up call. Mrs. Weasley sent Ginny grudgingly back upstairs to fetch him as Hermione settled herself at the table next to Remus and sleepily rubbed her eyes.
“Good morning, Professor.” Remus couldn’t help but smile every time he was addressed that way. Teaching had been the most fulfilling job he’d ever held, though like everything else good in his life, it wasn’t meant to last..
“So tell me, Hermione, how do you feel now that your O.W.L.S. are under your belt?” he asked. Molly flashed him a warning look that let him know Hermione had just about exhausted that topic since the kids arrived home. The next few minutes passed with Remus barely needing to say more than “Yes” and pretending to look interested.
Ginny reappeared with a disheveled and cross-looking Ron in her wake. “You can’t sit there, Hermione,” she snapped as she sat across the table from them. “Tonks is going to kick you out of that spot in a heartbeat!”
Remus spirits sank, if possible, even lower. It was true that Tonks always shooed everyone out of the seat next to him. Molly turned her back on her scrambling eggs to see how he would respond to this topic of conversation.
“I don’t think Tonks is going to be able to make it this morning,” Remus said quietly to no one in particular.
“Why not?” Ginny asked matter-of-factly.
“She had something important to do this morning.” He tried to make it clear from his tone of voice that the subject was closed but Hermione pressed on…
“You’re her best friend. What could possibly be more important than saying goodbye to you?!”
Ginny was watching him very closely and he had the sinking suspicion she was wondering if they were more than just ‘best friends.’ But he was saved from having to answer by one of Ron’s loud yawns, startling Pigwidgeon who’d been sleeping on the windowsill. Molly chased the excitable little screech owl from the kitchen just as Fleur flounced through the other door. After her harsh comments the night before, Remus found it excruciating to bid her ‘Good Day’ but he didn’t want to offend a guest of Molly’s when the Weasleys were always so generous to him.
“Bill and Arthur have left for work, so I guess this is everyone?” Molly glanced questioningly at Remus who merely nodded. He ate in relative silence, hearing the conversations being held around him but not really listening. ‘She must despise me’ he thought as he pushed his eggs around on his plate, ‘and I can’t say that I blame her either.’
After they finished eating he went upstairs to fetch his rucksack while the kids helped Molly clean up. He paused for a moment by the window, considering whether or not he ought to send Tonks an owl. He didn’t really know what to say and reckoned there wasn’t anything she wanted to hear; so, heavy-hearted, he went back downstairs to say his final goodbyes.
He thanked Molly for her hospitality, and she reminded him of his promise to visit as often as he could sneak away. “We know you can’t write, Dear, but if there’s an emergency or you get into trouble send us a Patronus straight away and we’ll send help.”
Ron shook his hand but appeared to be at a loss for words. Ginny and Hermione each gave him warm hugs. As he turned to exchange stony but polite well-wishes with Fleur, he heard Ginny exclaim “What the blazes?” He followed her gaze to the window and out into the yard.
There by the gate stood a solitary figure dressed all in black and drenched to the bone in the chilly rain. Dark brown hair was plastered across Tonks’ pale face. Her saturated robe hung limply on her body as though she’d been standing there for quite a while, watching them through the window and deciding whether or not to come in.
He bolted out the back door as fast as his legs could carry him, nearly stumbling through the patches of mud between the door and the gate. He was not yet wearing his jacket; the wind and rain felt bitterly cold through his clothing but he didn’t care. He pulled Tonks in his arms as soon as he reached her. They stood embracing for a moment as the rain poured down.
He could feel Tonks heaving as if she had been crying heavily. He gripped her shoulders and held her at arms length. Tear drops and rainwater streamed down both of their faces as he looked deeply into her sad eyes. There was no sparkle there this morning.
“I do love you, with all of my heart,” he whispered. For the longest time she said nothing. Her silence was making him feel a hundred times worse.
“You have to understand… if I could change things, you know I would,” he continued. Tonks made no reply, so he cupped her cheeks in his hands and leaned in closer and pleaded,
“Please tell me you don’t hate me. I can’t bear leaving with you hating me.”
“I could never hate you,” and she broke down in tears again.
While he was away he sent her owls whenever he could do so secretly, which was very infrequently. But that morning at the Burrow was the last time they saw each other for over six months.
Please continue reading Part 2: here