Hey everyone! I've always read fanfictions and finally decided to write one. So this is my first one. I got this idea, and it's really rough. I decided not to get a beta, so if there are grammer errors, I'm sorry! I don't know how amazing it is, I sorta just wrote it. I began at 10:30 and ended at 1:13 at night so I don't know how amazing it is. So don't be too harsh! If it's rough and doesn't make sense, I may have to go back and edit it. So tell me in the feedback!

I own nothing of Harry Potter sadly, but thanks to Rowling so I can come up with this!

“Ugh! Stop it! Leave me ALONE!” I scream as I get up and run towards the dock near the Black Lake.

“No, listen to me Caden!” Sirius screams back at me.

James may be my best friend, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like all of his friends. Peter I suppose is okay... but honestly, I’m not too fond of him. He never speaks. Remus is nice and is actually serious most of the time unlike Sirius himself. He doesn’t even begin to put the sound of his name to justice.

Sirius and I never got along. Not since we met in First Year and he completely insulted me. Being eleven, finding out you’re a witch after being an orphan not knowing my past, and horrible insecurities, he kind of killed me then.

At age three, I was dumped in some stupid orphanage because my parents just left me in the stupid flat. They never cared for me, I know that. As if it matters, I don’t remember them anyway. I have nothing to love or cherish them by.

I’m supposed to be a strong girl now with no flaws unlike I used to be. I have feelings just like any other person, but it does me well to hide them. I would show emotions as if I was some sort of actress when I first came to Hogwarts. Now, I never really show emotion, only to James or Hailes, my other best friend. I don’t trust easily, so it took me at least three years to trust them as I do. I guess I’m afraid though. It’s as if my past always finds a way to hurt me, such as trusting within friends so I don’t have any.

James is like a brother to me and I trust him with just about everything, except his judgment with girls. Going out with Lily isn’t the most amazing thing in the world to me. I suppose she’s nice, but I’m not too fond of her, I don’t even know why. James on the other side tries to make us friends, not working. I guess I can’t let go of the fact she hated him for the first six years that he’s been in love with her. The insults she would scream at him weren’t true and the sessions of talking in the boys’ dormitory took forever. She basically angered me when she didn’t even try to know who James was, but that’s not the point now is it?

At age eleven, I got my Hogwarts letter and found out I was a witch. It really shocked me that an owl came up to me, but it was pretty so I was okay. The head of the orphanage talked to Dumbledore about me going and I’m happy to say that I never went back to the orphanage. The horrible place. I shudder at the thought of it. I can’t even begin to explain how filthy the place was. It was so dirty that an unkempt field of mud, grass, and flowers was clean in comparison. And the other children? Ah… don’t get me started.

So I stayed at Hogwarts every summer, thanks to Dumbledore. That man is amazing and kind. He made me feel as if I was normal being a witch and that nothing was wrong with me. I felt accepted and liked, if only by a few people.

I met James within the few days of attending Hogwarts during an assignment for Potions. Slughorn put us into pairs to begin our work. He was extremely nice to me, but I don’t know why. I hadn’t spoken a word since I had gotten to Hogwarts, I was a super introvert. But being in Gryffindor, I suppose I had to make friends within my house, but James made the effort that I wasn’t willing to at the time. He was friendly and began speaking to me and asking tons of questions about me as I did him. We would joke and laugh. I always had a fun time with him. he became my first friend in, well, forever. Then I met Hailes, I needed a girl best friend and she was a lot like me. Usually best friends are really different, but we managed.

After James and I had become friends, Sirius and he had already been friends. For some reason Sirius would always leave the room when I entered or left James if I approached him. I had a crush on him too. He was pretty cute so I was pretty appalled at his behavior. It was as if he was avoiding me for reasons I couldn’t even begin to know why. I wanted to at least meet him, see if I could become friends with him as well. So I went up to him and James and began to speak. I even remember the exact conversation. Who could forget? They were terrible insults and tore me limb from limb. I was so self conscious and he just made it worse.

“Hey James, Sirius,” I call quietly as I begin walking over to James and Sirius near the fire. I see Sirius mutter something to James but for once he doesn’t leave and I’m confused.

“Hey Caden,” James smiles to me but looking weirdly at Sirius. Sirius just nods.

“How are you guys?”

“Pretty good, yourself?” James gives me an answer as Sirius just looks into the fire, ignoring me.

“Okay, I’m done, Sirius, what is your problem?” I question him. I’m fed up that he pretends I don’t even exist.

“Huh?” he asks as he looks to me.

“Whenever I walk into the room, you usually leave. Also, whenever I go up to James, you leave too, but for some odd reason you stayed. So what’s up?”

“Oh,” is my only answer.

“Oh? You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I don’t like you.”

“And why not? You don’t even know me.”

“You want to know why I don’t like you?” but he doesn’t wait for an answer. He stands up and keeps going, “I don’t like you because you’re weird. You never speak. I’ve never even heard a word you’ve said before tonight. You’re a little dog that always follows James or Hailey around. You don’t have your own mind. Not to mention that you’re not hot at all whatsoever. Basically, you’re a waste of time and space,” he finishes and I’m left to look at him with shock. I feel tears begin to burn at my eyes and I run to the girls’ dormitory.

I can’t begin to believe why he would say those things. I don’t do that at all, or do I? Is that how people perceive me? Am I really not pretty? Am I really a waste of time and space? That’s it, he’s not worth my time. He’s terrible and I will never like him. That’s a promise.

From then on, I loathed Sirius. He completely insulted me and expects me to be his friend now? Yeah, of course I will. I hold my grudges.

The last couple of years or so, he’s been trying to make me forgive him and I don’t know, make me go out with him? It’s terrible, he asks me out every once in a while doing all these little things such as complimenting me, attempting to carry my books, or trying to strike up sort of conversation between us. He’s even gone to the point of getting me presents for all sorts of holidays and my birthday. They’re actually nice gifts and I don’t have the heart to throw them away. They’re collecting dust in a box underneath my bed though. Except one gift, a stuffed black dag. It was the cutest thing and I could just cuddle with it. It actually made me feel better at times when I didn’t have chocolate. So it was my chocolate substitute. I don’t know why I keep it out, I guess it’s just comforting maybe someone cares about me and not just James and Hailes. Knowing Sirius, it’s probably all a joke, so I’m not only hurt, but happy and angry at the same time. Is that even possibly? If it’s a joke to try to get me with him because I’m one of a few girls he’s never dated and he wants to date them all, it’s not going to work. I’m hurt because I feel used, I’m happy because it’s as if someone else “cares” about me, and I’m angry because of first year. I’m not going to be able to forget that.

Now whenever he’s with James, I don’t go near James. I try to avoid him at all times. But to no avail. He doesn’t leave me alone and it gets so annoying. I don’t understand why he’s wasting his time on someone as ugly as me. At 5’4”, he towers me at 6’. My long black locks aren’t amazing and neither are my normal dark brown eyes. I won’t start on my other features, it’ll be a full 12” parchment if I did so.

He always tries to make me laugh, and it’s annoying because it usually is. Being him though, I don’t want to laugh. Laughing will only tell him I’m actually interested in him as he wants me to be. I’m not giving him the satisfaction he’s been working at since the end of Fourth Year. That satisfaction being he could get any girl he wants. He’s a horrible womanizer. He thinks he’s Merlin’s gift to the world and he can get any girl he wants. Not me.

Whenever he tries to talk to me, I usually just ignore him but now and then I slip up and talk to him too. He doesn’t give up. I don’t even insult him as I would want to. Saying he’s a tow-rag, cocky and arrogant git I think would make him back off. I’m nicer than that though. I don’t normally insult people unless I’m amazingly mad or upset.

Today in particular, he came up to me as I was reading under the beech tree near the lake sometimes before the sunset. He just sat down next to me and I glared at my book instead of him. Ignoring him wouldn’t work today, I felt it.

“Hey Caden,” he says as he sits twirling his wand.

I give no response as if he’s not there wondering why he has his wand out.

“Whatcha reading?” he asks trying to get my attention. In response, I let my hair fall into a curtain to my right, blocking my view of him.

He takes my book, “Oh…” as he reads the cover closing the book. I don’t remember my page and I was getting to a good part so I speak up.

“Can I have my book back?” I say as nicely as I can, and it comes out nicely. I don’t look at him but ahead of me as I raise me head and my hand to the right. He’s beginning to irritate everything out of me, so I’m glad at me self control.

“No,” he replies as he flicks his wand at the book making it disappear.

“What did you do! Give it back!” I raise my voice and look at him with shock.

“Finally, a reaction from you for once,” he says with a smile on his lips and an amused expression.

“Give it back!”

“No.”

I utter these words with disgust, I love that book and need it, “Please?”

“Since you asked with a nice word, but with disgust… no,” he tells me with a smirk.

“What do I have to do to get it back then?” I glare at him. I’m sinking low, I’m almost pleading.

“Hm… let me think,” he answers putting a hand to his chin and scratching it in a thinking manner. I roll my eyes annoyed. Just give me my book.

As I look at him, he’s in jeans with a gray shirt that brings out his eyes. The sun is hitting his face, accenting his perfect and flawless face. It’s almost radiating off of him and I notice that I’m almost staring at him with awe in the eyes as he gives me a skeptical look and I’m brought back to reality.

No way on earth did I just think those things about him. Okay, I have to admit that he’s even better looking than ever and is probably the best looking guy in my year, but that doesn’t give him the right to be a cocky, annoying git. I can’t possibly like him with all his arrogance, so I won’t worry about that. He thinks he knows everything and is completely full of himself. He cares for no one but himself.

“What was that look?” he asks.

“What look?” I ask back.

“I don’t know, it was a look like in a new light or something.”

I scoff, “Yeah, of course I would look at you differently. All your cockiness and arrogance in the air around me is suffocating and causing me to look at you differently.”

A flicker of pain passes his face before he goes back to normal.

“Well, can we talk?” he finally asks.

“We’re talking, aren’t we?”

“Well, yeah, but…”

“But what? At a loss of words Black?”

He cringes at the use of his surname from me, “Please call me Sirius.”

“Why? I don’t want to. Upset that I’m using your family name?” I ask with an innocent look on my face. I know how much he hates his family, I’m pulling a string here.

“Yeah… I am.”

He’s confessing? Okay, this is weird. This is not him at all. It’s as if he’s afraid, ashamed, embarrassed. It looks like I hurt him. This can’t be real. I’ve got to be kidding, I’m dreaming. Sirius Black has no emotions.

After an awkward pause, “So speak.”

“Um… I-uh…” he stumbles over words and I sigh deeply. I might as well try to be nice to him. He’s not being as bad as he usually is. He’s been this way since the beginning of the school year which is about a month ago.

He looks at me like he’s lost, “Go ahead, I’m listening.” That’s a first for myself, I would never in a million years begin to listen to him.

He takes in a deep breath and chooses his words carefully. He’s looking down, “Why… why do you hate me so much?” He finishes as he looks up at me.

I’m caught off guard. He’s never asked me that before and I wonder why he would care. And I ask him just that, “Why do you care?”

“Well… because I like you Caden, I really do and I don’t understand why you hate me,” he says looking down again, embarrassed.

Here we go again. This may be the millionth, no, billionth time I’ve heard his say “he likes me, really likes me”. But it’s never been said in the way it was said. He speaks with such melancholy, it’s honestly almost heartbreaking. But I don’t understand why I feel like that, I don’t care for him as he doesn’t for me. He can stop with all his games, it’s too old. And for some reason, I’m hurt too by his words. All the emotion in them that I’ve never heard or seen before. It’s taking over me like nothing has before. I look at him and wonder what he’s thinking and how’s me taking over me. I feel powerless and like I can’t do anything or fight back that this is all fake.

“Sirius, stop,” I say quietly, surprisingly using his first name to the both of us.

He looks at me with eyes full of questions, “Stop what?”

“Stop this! Stop this act. You don’t like me and for the first time it’s taking over me that I feel bad that you supposedly like me and I don’t give you the time of day. You look depressed and I know it’s not real so give it up. Just stop!” I begin it strong and lose my voice near the end. I begin to have tears but hide them by sighing with frustration while wiping my eyes. I’m not going to let him see me cry, I’m not going to show any vulnerability.

“What are you talking about? This isn’t an act, I really do like you.” He sounds like he’s pleading me to love him.

“Ugh! Stop it! Leave me ALONE!” I scream as I get up and run towards the dock near the Black Lake.

“No, listen to me Caden!” Sirius screams back at me and gets up to run after me.

“NO!”

He catches me by the hand as we reach the dock. “Listen to me!”

I huff and pull my hand away and cross them across my chest angrily looking away from him. “You don’t have much time before I leave, so speak.” He’s lucky I’m even listening.

“Look, I’m going to lay everything down.

“Caden, I really like you and I’m not just saying that. I really do. I’ll even name them.

“You’re amazingly smart and should be in Ravenclaw, but I’m happy you’re in my house, I get to see you every day. You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met, and manage to be patient with me. You’re stubborn like no other and very hard-headed. You always have a mindset that I admire. You never back down and are confident of yourself. Something I’ve never been.”

As he speaks, I’m shocked that he’s saying these things. I’m smart, nice, patient, stubborn, hard-headed, and confident? Yeah right. ‘Something I’ve never been,’ my ****. That’s a lie. But does he honestly think these things about me? For some reason I just hope for something that I think isn’t there. I am about to interrupt.

“Wait, let me finish. One more thing. You’re honestly the most beautiful girl ever. Your hair works with you and your eyes are amazing, deep, dark brown that hides secrets. You have the right curves and the way you look goes with the way you act which is always nice. I’d say I’m in love, but I don’t know. I know almost everything about you, but you still seem to confuse me. You give me mixed signals as to whether or not you like me and it bothers me because I like you so much.”

I gape at him. What a liar. He cannot honestly think those things. Stupid git, he needs to shut up. This whole act is going beyond anything I’ve ever imagined. He can’t love me, and how am I giving him signals? And the whole eyes thing, he’s got to be joking.

“Wow. Shut up and never speak to me again. That must be one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. Nice act, I’ll give you points for that, almost making me believe you, but it didn’t work. You’re stupid and don’t know when to give up,” I want to rant more but it’s going to be dark soon so I head towards the castle.

He looks hurt and as if I tore him apart more than I did earlier. “Wait,” he begins, “At least tell me why you hate me, just so I can know.”

I turn around, “Are you sure? It’s a long list.”

He nods.

I begin, “You’re a womanizer and think you’re Merlin’s gift to the world. You’re full of yourself and think you’re always right. You never shut up or leave me alone. You don’t get a clue. You’re a disgrace to man because of what you do. You go out with some girl for a week or less and dump them as if they’re nothing. You break all their hearts like they’re toys when they’re not. You’re stupid and heartless. Not only that, I won’t ever forget what you said to me in First Year. Sirius, I actually liked you then and you tore me apart,” I finish telling him off and surprisingly have tears in my eyes from all my frustration.

He looks at me like all the happiness has been drained out of his world, like his heart has been ripped out and stomped on. He looks as if I killed him but is still standing. “I haven’t gone out with anyone since the end of Fourth Year,” he says almost inaudibly. “And I didn’t mean what I said in First Year, I was nervous around you. I liked you too but then noticed my mistake when it was too late and have been trying to be nice to you. I don’t even do the stuff you mentioned anymore.”

I start to notice that he speaks the truth. Everything. He’s right about it all. How could I be so heartless as to say these things I didn’t even know were true.

I look at him with tears in my eyes feeling horrible how I’ve treated him, but that can’t make me forgive him. He looks at me the same way.

“You know, I won’t ever forgive you for what happened in First Year, it tore me apart even if you didn’t mean it. I won’t ever like you Sirius, it hurts too much.”

“But I didn’t mean it, any of it. I didn’t want to hurt you.” He steps forward. “But what hurts too much to like me?”

“Everything. My heart still aches from the words you said to me. They scarred me. I was never the strong girl, I was weak and vulnerable. You broke me down and I can’t forgive you for that. Liking you will get rid of all the years I spent disliking you so much. That’s such a huge part of my life that ruined me.”

“I never meant it, any of it. Why can’t you just like me? Give it a try?” he asks me pleadingly. He looks at me with sorrow filled eyes.

“Because I can’t. I’m not strong anymore. I used to be, before today, before you broke me again,” I explain to him with tears streaming down my eyes.

“Can I do one thing though?” he asks, begging me for something I don’t know.

“What?” I question.

“Can I kiss you? Just to know if you don’t feel anything. I you don’t, I’ll leave you alone, but if you do, you have to give me a chance.

“I think you actually do like me Caden, but you just fight it off. Don’t do that anymore. I need you more than anything. Words wouldn’t be able to explain. I can see you need me too.”

He’s begging me and I turn and shake my head. I can’t speak. Nothing will come out of my mouth. I don’t like him, tears are streaming down my face, I don’t like him, I need to get away, why am I crying over him?

I begin to take a step as he gently takes a hold of my waist and turns me around. I try to fight his grip, but he tightens his arms around me.

“Don’t fight it, please?” he asks as I stop. I’m fighting a losing battle. The only way to end it is to kiss him. My first kiss too, wonderful it has to be on some stupid force.

More tears leak out of my eyes as he reaches a hand to brush them away softly. He looks at me with such compassion and… is it something I fear? Is it love?

He puts his to the back of my neck and I lean in not because he’s pulling me, but for some reason, I want to.

As we get closer, my breath quickens. I don’t know what to do.

As our lips touch, I feel everything I’ve ever felt for him beneath all of the supposed hatred I felt for him. I was holding secrets that he wouldn’t give up on.

I do love him, so much. He never gave up and that’s why I love him. He was always there and everything about him, I love so much. I can’t say why I do, but I do. I can feel it surging through me.

As we separate, I open my eyes slowly as does he. He doesn’t have to ask anything and I don’t need to answer anything. He knows what I feel for him, he was right all along.

I find my arms around his neck and my tears stopped.

We kiss again and for once in my life I’m truly happy. I’m content with everything now. I’ve been happy with James and Hailes, but it was absolutely nothing compared to what I felt with Sirius.

I always felt like I was missing something. There was something out there that I needed. I’ve been missing something from my life and now it’s here with me. It’s here in my arms.


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