Disclaimer: I am not not JK Rowling (sad, I know) and therefore I do not own the world of Harry Potter or any of the other characters that you recognize from the books.

Warning: Some of my later chapters do include sensative topics. It's all below a PG-13 rating but this isn't my butterflies and unicorns story either so...do what you will with it.



I was awoken and the ungodly hour of 5 am by a tapping at the window. I was sure that I was dreaming, nobody had owled me in years. I had left the wizarding world years ago, nobody had bothered to find me, there was nobody left who cared. Well, there was one person left, one person who I had hoped might come looking for me, but he was hurting too. He too had lost everybody who he had on his side, and he had his own problems to deal with. God knows, he had so much on his plate at the time. To this day I felt guilty for leaving him, but I pushed those thoughts out of my mind, telling myself that he hadn't cared to find me so why should I find him.

I shook my head trying to clear these thoughts, it would not do any good to dwell on the past, I knew from experience that it would only lead to pain. As I was brought back to reality, I realized that the tapping on the window continued. I glanced at my husband, sleeping soundly in the bed next to me, and rushed to the window. Whatever caused this demon from my past to come and haunt me, nearly forty years later, it would not do to let Jared be bothered by it. After all, he could never understand it, and if I even tried to explain it to him he would surely have me committed. With that thought, I dragged myself out of bed and to the window. As the retched bird flew off into the early morning I stared at the envelope in my hand. I really should just burn it. I thought to myself, but I knew that my curiosity would drive me nuts if I did. Instead I went downstairs, put the letter with my papers for work, and busied myself with making breakfast.

I kept myself busy with work and my family for the next week or so, I was actually fairly proud of myself, I had only thought of the letter a few times. I actually thought that it would maybe just go away, whoever it was writing me, whatever it was they wanted, I thought maybe they would just go away. I really don't know why I let myself believe that, I guess because I wanted so badly for it to be true. However, I should have known better than that, whoever it was writing to me must have gone to a lot of work to find me after all. I should have known that they wouldn't be deterred after one unanswered letter.

When I was awoken for the second time in two weeks by an owl at my window I knew that I had to answer it. If I didn't respond they would start pestering me at my home, and I knew that would lead to Jared finding out, something that I wanted to avoid at all costs. I shuddered to myself at the thought of a witch or wizard appearing through the floo network. So, with that in mind I took the letter downstairs and made myself a cup of coffee, then, I sat down to read.

Dear Mrs. Grisham, formerly Miss Isabella Hall,
I would first like to express my deepest apologies for bothering you in your home. I do hope that this letter finds you in good health.
My name is Ginny Potter, I'm sure that you have heard of my husband, Harry Potter. The reason I am writing to you is that I am hoping that you can give us some information about what his parents, Lily Evans and James Potter, were like in their school days. As I'm sure you know, Harry lost them both at a very young age before he got the chance to know them. I've spent the last several months searching for somebody who can tell us more about them, and it came to my attention that you were close friends with them during your time in school. I know that this letter is a long shot, that nobody has heard from you since the Potter's were killed, but I do hope that you will answer my plea and meet with us. If you can not, or will not, for whatever reason, it would be ok. But we do hope that you will consider it. Please send an owl to let me know at your earliest convenience.
Yours,
Ginny Potter.

I stared at the letter in my hands for several minutes, or maybe it was hours, I didn't really know. I was in shock, complete and total shock. I had about a million questions running through my mind. How had she found me, this woman, this Ginny Potter? How did she know that I was friends with James and Lily when they were in school? Of course, I remembered little Harry, he was such a cute baby. I smiled softly at the memory, but how on earth did his wife know that I knew him? For all she knew I had broken my ties with them long before he had been born. Of course, Harry would be famous for his defeat of Voldemort, killing the most notorious dark wizard at the tender age of one must have made him quite notorious himself. That must be the reason his wife was sure that I knew him. But she still had no right to approach me, to force me to think of Lily and James and the rest. Surely Remus could tell them, or heck, if they were really that desperate for knowledge, I thought bitterly, they could go look up Sirius in his hole in Azkaban. Why on earth would they look me up? And how had they found me? Me, a nobody living in a muggle community across the ocean.

"You're up early." A voice said from behind me. I spun around to see Jared standing at the doorway looking at me concerned. I knew it must be odd, seeing me sitting at the table on my first cup of coffee at six in the morning. I was not a morning person by any means. When I did finally manage to drag myself out of bed, it took me at least 3 cups of coffee to wake myself up. "Is everything ok sweetheart?"
"Oh...Uhm...Yes, every thing's fine." I replied, forcing a smile. He didn't look convinced but he nodded and changed the subject.
"What's this?" Jared pulled the letter from my hand but I snatched it back and folded it up quickly. He looked even more confused than before.
"Just- Just a letter from home...Nothing to worry about." I tried hard to look natural but knew that would never work with him. He knew that I had nobody left over there, so I decided on a half truth. "One of my old school mates passed away, her daughter-in-law found my forwarding address in her contact book and wrote me, she would like me to fly out for the funeral but..." I trailed off and smiled at him.

Without realizing it I had just bought myself an excuse to go to England without Jared asking any further questions. We didn't have the money right now for the entire family to go but he would tell me to go right ahead, not to worry one more minute about it. If I said that I felt I should go, I could go. I would meet with this girl, Ginny, and get it over and done with. The only question remaining was, did I want to? And if I did want to, would I even be able to? It was still hard for me to just remember my school days, which seem so far away. But would I actually be able to talk about it? And what if I couldn't remember whatever it was that they wanted to know? Obviously there was something they were looking for, something specific that they wanted to know that hadn't been mentioned in the letter.

Yet some how I knew, without a doubt, that I would be on the next flight to England, I knew that I would meet with them and be forced to relive my childhood for these strangers. The worst thing is, I knew that I would never be able to hold it against them. Yes, I knew all of this without a doubt, because these strangers could give me information of what had become of the people I had left behind. But more importantly, I knew that I would go, because I had promised Lily I would. I had made a promise to my best friend, the girl who was practically my sister, that I would take care of Harry if anything ever happened to her. It was a promise that, I was ashamed to admit it to myself, I had forgotten until I had opened the letter. Yes, I would go to England. I would tell them anything that they wanted to know. Why? Because I was Harry James Potter's godmother.


AN: Ok first off I know that this is an OC pov and its in the Lily/Marauders section, thats cus with the exception of the next chapter and maybe a few other ones this story will be in that era and have all of them in it. I know it's a short first chapter but bear with me, they will get longer I promise. Uhm ok major thanks to my beta Stef (fany_monkey) for her help on this chapter and for motivating *cough-forcing* me to get started again. She gets cookies! Also thanks to Kelly (PottyHead) for the name Jared!!! Woo go Kelly! She gets cookies too! Please leave lots of feedback, you will be very loved and you will also get cookies.

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And so a week later I found myself sitting in Harry Potter's kitchen. The night I arrived I had a simple dinner and went to bed to adjust myself to the time change. The next day I visited with the Potter's in Diagon Alley and was caught up on everything that I had missed since leaving the wizarding world and by the end of the day we were all exhausted, Harry from re-telling everything for the first time since the prophet stopped pestering him for interviews, and me from processing all the information.

"I'm warning you now. This isn't a happy story. If you want me to stop at any time let me know." I warned them one final time.
"We get it, we get it." Harry said, frustrated. "You have to understand, this is a story I need to hear. I have so many questions. I need to know what they were like when you knew them. You’re the only one left that knows..."
"The story begins on September 1, 1970, on the train to Hogwarts." I began.

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I sat in the farthest compartment back on the train staring out the window at all the families still arriving on the platform. Kids my age standing close to their parents nervously while the older kids ran off to meet their friends, parents shouting last minute reminders and promising to owl anything that may have been forgotten. I vaguely wondered what it would be like if my parents had taken me to the platform to drop me off, but dismissed it quickly.

My parents were busy with work, they had sent me with my older sister, who was in her 6th year. She got me to the platform, found a compartment for me and told me I'd make plenty of friends my own age soon enough, she said not to worry about it. Lorelei instructed me to change into my school robes after about 2 hours on the train. Once we arrived at Hogsmeade she told me to find the gamekeeper, a giant named Hagrid. He would take me by boat to the school. When she finished her quick instructions, she rushed off to meet up with her friends.

I was lost in a train of thought when a girl came into the compartment. She was about my age and had blonde hair and blue eyes followed closely by a girl with long vibrant red hair and green eyes.

"Mind if we sit here?" The blonde girl asked, she didn’t wait for me to reply instead she was already shoving her trunk up into the compartment and helping her friend lift hers. "I'm Emma Reid, by the way, and this is Lily Evans." She added as she sat down.
"I'm sorry to intrude." The other girl, Lily, said softly, "Everywhere else is full."
"Oh...uh...sure...yeah..no problem." I replied, then after a moment added, "I'm Isabella Hall. What year are you guys?"
"We're both first years," Emma replied "And you?"
"Same, how do you two know each other already then?"
"Oh we don't, not really we just met-" Lily began.
"-I was getting on the platform with my parents and she came up and asked how to get onto the platform." Emma said cutting her off. Lily turned slightly red and it was obvious that she would have rather omitted that fact.
"You know Lily," I said leaning toward her and smiling, "I probably wouldn't have been able to get onto the platform either if it weren't for my sister. Lorelei is a 6th year. Otherwise I would have been just as oblivious." Lily's face lit up immediately upon learning that she wasn't really at a disadvantage by being muggle-born.
"What house do you guys think you're going to be in?" Emma asked, obviously not liking the idea of being cut out of the conversation. "I'm going to be in Gryffindor, I'm sure of it."
"Hogwarts sorts students into four houses," I explained to Lily, "Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin." I turned to face Emma, "Nobody knows what house they're going to be in until the sorting."

Emma opened her mouth to respond but we were saved from having to hear it by a second interruption, by 4 boys entering, well more like falling, into the compartment. They continued to roll around on the floor wrestling for a minute or so before Lily cleared her throat, alerting them to our presence. All four jumped up to face us at once.

"Why on earth were you four rolling around on the ground like that?" I asked after a moment, feeling like the question shouldn't have been needed at all.
"Oh...actually..I don't remember." The boy closest to me answered, grinning. He was a slightly scrawny boy with messy jet black hair and glasses. "James Potter." He added offering his hand.
"Isabella Hall." I replied smiling back despite wanting to be annoyed. "This is Emma Reid and Lily Evans." I added pointing to each of them in turn.
"Sirius Black." The boy to his right, a tall handsome boy with dark hair that fell into his grey eyes spoke up. "This here is Peter Pettigrew," he pointed out the shorter boy next to him. "And Remus Lupin." He gestured to the boy on Peter's other side who looked slightly disheveled, more so than the others but his blue eyes sparkled just like the other boys. "What were you lovely ladies talking about before we interrupted."
"We were just discussing what house we'll be in." Emma spoke up, seeming to have regained her voice. I rolled my eyes but didn't respond. "I'm certain I'll be in Gryffindor, and of course you'll be in Slytherin right?"

Sirius went red, then pale and his eyes turned cold and dark. It was silent for what seemed like forever, all of us holding our breathe, waiting to see what he would say. Even Lily, who didn't realize the jibe that had been made about Sirius' family or why what Emma had said was a bad thing, seemed to know that now was not a good time to draw attention to herself.

"Well, it seems you've already made up your mind anyways." Sirius finally replied coldly. "Think you know everything about me because you've heard your parents gossiping away about my family? Well think what you want. If that's what you think nothing I say will change your on track mind." And with that he stormed off.

The other boys all left right after Sirius did. I’m guessing to make sure he was alright. I quickly filled Lily in on what had just happened, glaring at Emma. She looked as though she wanted to snap at me but she thought better of it and kept her mouth shut.

A few minutes later the compartment door opened a third time to reveal Lorelei. "Hey shorty," she said smiling at me. She noticed the two other girls staring at her and her smile grew. "See, I told you that you would make friends in no time."
"Hey Lore," I quickly made the introductions, "What's up?"
"I just wanted to check on you and tell you to get changed, we should be getting there in about half an hour."
"Thanks!" I called as she walked out.
"You're sister seems nice." Lily commented.
"She's the best, my parents aren't around much, they're aurors... err that's like the muggle law enforcement...the ones who catch the bad guys..." I trailed off trying to think of the right word.
"Police officers?" Lily offered.
"That’s it!" I smiled, "But anyways so they're always busy doing that, so Lore has pretty much raised me. She's kind of like my older sister, my best friend, and my mom all in one."

The rest of the train ride past uneventful and I helped the other girls find Hagrid. I felt rather proud of myself for having some knowledge about what was going on. Even Emma seemed slightly nervous now that we got off the train and she didn't know exactly what was going on. Somehow we got separated from, or better yet, managed to lose Emma. Lily and I climbed into a boat that looked like it would sink with all our weight. Sirius and James were already in the boat.

"Hey Sirius." Lily said smiling warmly at him as she sat down across from him. "What?" She asked because he was staring at her with his mouth slightly open.
"I just, I thought that by now you would have heard...about my family I mean. I figured that you of all people would want nothing to do with me...I mean..not that I care or..." He trailed off and looked away.
"We don't care about that." I spoke up, offering him a small smile.
"You...you don't?" He let himself look hopeful but I could tell from his expression that he thought that the two of us not judging him was to much to hope for.
"Of course not!" Lily argued.
"Look, Sirius, it's like you said, we have no right to judge you just because of your family." I told him, rolling my eyes as though it was obvious.

When we reached Hogwarts we were greeted at the door by a strict looking woman. She introduced herself as Professor McGonagall, she looked like someone I didn’t want to mess with. She led us to the front of the great hall. Looking around as I realized that the majority of the students, everybody who was above first year, must have taken a different means of travel to get there because they were already seated and watching us.

"When I call your name, you will sit on the stool and place the hat on your head. It will call out the name of one of the four houses and you will go and join the students at that table. While you are here your house will be like your family, your triumphs will get you awarded points while your misdemeanors will cost you them." Professor McGonagall spoke up. She pulled out a piece of parchment and read out the first name.

"Abbot, Harold." A boy that was standing right behind me stumbled forward. After a moment the hat called out. "HUFFLEPUFF!" All of the students clapped politely while the Hufflepuff table jumped to its feet screaming and cheering.

Professor McGonagall continued down the list with basically the same thing happening for each student until she reached Sirius. The hat sat on his head for at least ten minutes and he looked as though he were arguing with it. Finally the hat called out "GRYFFINDOR!" Everybody sat there in shock for a moment before the Headmaster began clapping. Quickly everybody else joined in except for the Slytherin table who started hissing and booing at him.

"Blood traitor! You’re a shame to our family’s name!" A girl with long dark hair screamed, standing on the bench.
"Oh SHUT UP Cissy! You know full well that I could care less about our family’s honor," he spat the words with disgust. "It's you lot that are the disgrace!" The Slytherins all started screaming at him at once while the Gryffindors began cheering loudly.
"SILENCE!" The Headmaster had risen to his feet. "Mr. Black, if you'll please take a seat." He gestured to the table on the far side of the hall.

A few minutes later I heard my name called. I walked forward, suddenly nervous, and placed the hat on my head. "Hmm...great mind, very loyal, you'd do anything for a friend, but that's not all, there's also a great sense of bravery, you aren't one to run from a confrontation. Yes...that will be it then. GRYFFINDOR!" The hat shouted.

I stood and glanced around, I found Lorelei sitting at the Hufflepuff table, I met her eyes pleadingly, begging her to understand it wasn't my fault. I was terrified that she would be disappointed in me for not making the family house, that she'd start screaming like Sirius' relative had. But she just smiled and nodded her head toward the Gryffindor table, gesturing for me to go. I grinned and rushed off to sit next to Sirius.

The rest of the sorting passed without much event. The others from our compartment were all sorted into Gryffindor as well, unfortunately, that included Emma. The meal was delicious, they served course after course of all the best foods and then when I thought that I couldn't eat any more, the plates disappeared and were replaced with deserts. After we had finally finished the headmaster rose to his feet and gave a short speech welcoming us back and informing us of certain artifacts that were forbidden and that the forbidden forest was out of bounds. We were then sent to bed, little did we know as we lay in our beds that first night, that our lives would be intertwined in ways we couldn't even imagine.


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AN: Ok first off, about a million thanks to my amazing beta Stef (fany_monkey) for all of her help with this chapter. I love her to death! Second, huge mess up on my part. I'm not a big fan of Snape so while I know that him and Lily were friends prior to Hogwarts I kind of forgot about him until my beta pointed out that he would have been with Lily at the train station...so uhm...oopsies..so please forgive me for that and leave me feedback anyways! Third, appearantly I stole the name Emma Reed from the fanfic Crazy Shrinks (which is amazing by the way!) so I'd like to thank Stef and Lauren for allowing me to use it anywahs.
Oh, one last thing...Major props to Kelly (PottyHead) for my new siggy!

Cookies!!!

Warning: This is not one of my butterflies and unicorns chapters. It's pretty dark actually, and it contains some sensative topics. So you guys have been warned..uhm please don't kill me? Okie here goes.
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Six years later, as I found myself staring out the window at the platform watching the students say goodbye to their parents, I had a strange feeling of deja vu. Except the only difference was that this year I had arrived alone. Lorelei no longer road the train with me, she graduated from Hogwarts five years ago. After she graduated she still took me to the train every year and picked me up for the holidays. She said that no kid should have to leave and arrive alone. I sighed softly at the memory. I had arrived alone this year. I had lost Lorelei just 7 short weeks ago, right after I arrived home for summer holidays.

She had been killed by a man who was calling himself "The Dark Lord." Like he's the only one there's ever been evil, I thought bitterly. Her death had been punishment to my parents, because they had refused to serve him. It had also been some kind of idiotic warning. There was a note written in her blood saying that I would be next if they didn't join up.

I laughed to myself bitterly at the thought. My parents had lost nothing, they were never home long enough really recent the lose of my sister. All they had lost was their illusion of her following in their footsteps, something that if they had known Lorelei at all, they would have realized long ago would never happen. Whenever I mentioned it to her she would simply smile and shake her head, but I knew that her unspoken words meant that she actually wanted to have a real family in the future. She wanted to have kids and actually take care of them, so that when they reached her age, they would love and respect her.

No, I thought as I pushed up my bracelets, tracing the scars on my wrists, my parents hadn't lost a thing. I was the one who had lost everything. I lost my big sister, I lost my best friend, I lost the only mother figure I had ever known. She was my protector, my confidant, the one person I thought I would always have.

I stared at the lines on my arm for a few moments as the tears swelled in my eyes. I desperately wanted to get my razor out of my bag and escape to the bathroom. But I knew I wouldn't be alone for much longer, my friends would find me soon and I couldn't bear the thought of them knowing. Of course they had worried about the first days after Lorelei died, but I was calm on the surface. I cried when I found out, I cried at the wake and the funeral. Other than that I never let a soul see my pain, I hid it from the world. I allowed myself to cry only in the dead of night, when I was safe in my bed and nobody would know. And then when the pain got to be to much I turned to my blade. In all honesty I wasn't entirely sure if I was still cutting because of the pain of losing Lorelei or if I could just no longer stop, I didn't really care anymore.

A tap on the door brought me out of my hopeless reverie. I quickly moved my bracelets back down praying whoever it was hadn't noticed. There stood Sirius Black, he had grown up quite a bit since first year, but he still had those same smoldering grey eyes that were currently locked on my puffy red ones.

"Hey, Izzie." He smiled softly at me, he quickly left his trunk and then suddenly I was in his arms. I smiled slightly at the use of the nickname, he was the only one who had ever gotten away with shortening my name. A lot of people tried to shorten it to Bella but I never let them. I guess he got points for originality. "I'm so so sorry I couldn't make it. My mum was...but it doesn't matter, I should have found a way to be there for you anyway."
"Don't worry about it, Siri." I smiled at him, my first real smile since the funeral. "You have your family problems and I have mine. It's cool, really."
"Haven't I told you hundreds of times not to call me Siri?" He questioned, glaring at me playfully.
"Haven't I told you thousands of times not to call me Izzie?" I retorted. I shifted to place my head on his shoulder and we both enjoyed the few moments of silence.

And just like that we were back to normal. He didn’t waste time with asking me how I was doing, one look at me said I wasn't good. Sirius knew that if I wanted to talk about it I would, but if I didn't he respected that. I think that was one of the reasons we got on so well, because we had an unspoken agreement as far as our family lives went. We both agreed that in some cases the old saying "ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies," was the best policy.

None of the other girls in my dorm understood how I could be "just friends." with a Marauder. They all thought that Sirius and I had to at least snog occasionally. But we really were friends, that was it, best friends and nothing more. We were better off that way, we had considered dating once in our fourth year, but we both agreed that our friendship was to important to risk that way. We clung to each other for sanity from our twisted family lives. We were each other’s “go to” person when it came to understanding.

"Hope we're not interrupting anything." I looked up and saw Emma staring at me and Sirius with daggers in her eyes, it was common knowledge that she fancied him. Behind her stood one of my other dorm mates, Lauren O'Connell. Lauren was a very pretty girl with shoulder length blonde hair and side fringe that fell into her water blue eyes, which changed colour depending on her clothes and freckles sprinkled across her nose. She smiled sympathetically at me. A lot of people thought that Lauren was a shy and quiet girl but I knew better. You just had to get past that guarded part of her personality. While she was still the sweetest girl in the world, she was anything but quiet once you got to know her.

"You're not interrupting anything." I replied icily. I was not in the mood to deal with her today. Emma was my friend and she could be a good friend when she wanted to be, but I couldn't trust her any farther than I could stand her. She was a great friend because she would use anything and everything she had on a person to get back at them if they hurt one of her friends, and it was most definitely a benefit to be on her good side. But I knew very well that if I were to say the wrong thing and make her mad she would show no mercy in using everything that she knew about me to her advantage and there would be no forgiveness for whatever it was that I had said.

"Good, then you two lovebirds would not mind us joining you?" She asked, not taking the hint.
"Actually," Sirius said, "I was just leaving. I just stopped in to say hey to Izzie here." He grinned at me, I glowered back in reply. "I gotta go meet the guys, I'm sure you lovely ladies know how it is, so many pranks so little time." He winked at me and strolled out of the compartment. I rolled my eyes.
"Thanks for everything, Siri!" I called after him, putting emphasis on the name.
"Gees, could you two be any more all over each other?" Emma asked, sitting down in the seat across from me.
"We are NOT all over each other Em. We're not even together." I said, still glaring at her.
"Oh?" she asked, obviously not believing me, "What's with the pet names?" I rolled my eyes at her and didn't bother to answer.
"They've used those forever Emma." Lauren commented from the seat next to me.
"Thank you!" I exclaimed grinning at Lauren, "Finally some sensibility."
"I'm not taking your side." She added, "I know you two aren't together but you should be. What was he doing here anyways?" She asked, changing the subject before I could get mad at her too.
"He just came by to make sure I was alright." I said then added, "Since he missed the funeral and all."

Thankfully I was spared having to deal with their sympathetic smiles and the, "Oh how are you holding up?" and the "If there's anything you need" by the arrival of Lily. She sat down in the seat across from Lauren and they started talking, well more like rant, about her prefect duties and the upcoming school year leaving me free to my thoughts.

It wasn't that I had a problem with people caring about me. It was nice that they cared, really it was. The problem was that I didn't really want to talk about it, all of it just hurt to much to talk about. I knew that they weren't really interested in hearing what I had to say anyway. People asked because it's what they are supposed to say, manners first. That was my opinion of it anyways. It was like when you ran into an acquaintance in the hall and they ask how you are. You reply that you are fine and ask how they are, but what you are actually thinking is about where you need to be and what you need to be doing. You don't actually care how they are, you just asked them to be polite.

Suddenly I was snapped out of my thoughts by Lily waving her hand in front of my face. "Hello, Bells, anybody home?" she asked. I smacked her arm hard.
"Yes, there is someone here." I hit her again for good measure.
"What on earth was that for?" She asked, cradling her arm.
"The first one was for calling me Bells, the second one because I felt like it." I said grinning. Lily tried to glare at me but she was laughing to hard.
"Have I mentioned that I hate you Isabella?"
"Why is it that she gets hit when she calls you Bells but Sirius doesn't get hit when he calls you Izzie?" Emma interrupted.
"Because Em, Sirius calling me Izzie is sort of a private joke between us," I sighed knowing she would never understand, "Besides I call him Siri which annoys him just as much. Lils here has no problem with being refered to as Lils, therefore eliminating all possibilities of revenge that way." I rolled my eyes.
"Wait, wait, wait." Lily interrupted, "What does Black have to do with any of this?" She spoke his name with disgust.
"Isabella was in here alone with him. She had her head on his shoulder when we arrived. She looked like she had been crying, he probably just came to comfort her." Lauren said, her eyes were full of apology. I nodded at her that I understood.

There had been better way of telling Lily that I'd been with Sirius, saying that I had been crying made it sound a lot better. Plus it was far more casual coming from Lauren than from Emma, she would have made it sound like something filthy. Lily was one of my best friends, I loved her to death, but she could not fathom why I would choose to spend time with one of the Marauders.

Lily's glare automatically transformed to one of concern. " Why were you crying? What happened? Did he do something to you? I'll kill him if he did."
"Calm down Lils," I said sighing. "Sirius just stopped by to see how I was and apologize for missing the wake. We talked about Lore for a little bit and I got a bit worked up remembering some of the good times we used to have. He gave me a hug and this lot walked in" I gestured to Emma and Lauren.

I considered making a comment to her about him at least caring but stopped myself. It would hurt Lily though it would make me feel better, but it wasn't really Lily's fault I was in this mood. Plus I would have to deal with her turning into a overbearing mother type figure and never have a moment left of peace because she would feel so guilty for "abandoning me in my time of need."

"Sorry," she said. She paused for a moment then went back to attacking Sirius. “Why didn't he come to the funeral? If you two are such great ‘friends’ shouldn't he have been there for you?"
I balled my hands into fists and dug my nails into my palms. I took a deep breath. "Lily just because he doesn't share his personal life with you doesn't mean he doesn't have his own problems. I completely understand his absence and didn't make anything out of it. I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you." I took another deep breath then reached up for my trunk and got my robes out. "I'm going to go to the bathroom and change, we should be getting there soon."
"You could change in here." Emma pointed out. "That's what we normally do."
"I need to use the toilet." I said glaring.
Lauren followed me out of the compartment. "Hey, umm do you want to talk about it?"
"No." I said shortly, then sighed. "Sorry Laur, I know I'm being a right pain in the rear. I just... I can't deal with her attacking my friendship right now. Not on top of everything else. I can't talk about it, at least not right now."
"Okay." Lauren smiled at me. "I'll see you in a few then." She squeezed my hand supportively and walked away. That was one of the things I liked best about Lauren. She wasn't nosey and she didn't pry. She made sure that I knew she was here if she needed anything and then backed off.

I reached the bathroom locked the door and broke down. I sat there on the floor sobbing for at least 15 minutes before standing at the sink and looking at the mess I was in the mirror. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a thin razor blade and pressed the cool metal against my flesh. I watched as the blood trickled down the razor and dripped into the sink. The tears continued to fall down my face but at least I could understand this pain. I was in control of it. I could make it stop whenever I wanted it to.

Ten minutes after that, I was composed and cleaned up the mess I had made in the bathroom and returned to my compartment.
"What took you so long?" Emma asked.
"I ran into a friend on the way back." I said shortly. I stared at her as if daring her to challenge that. She seemed to know better.
"I'm sorry for going off on you about Sirius." Lily said simply, "I know you don't need to deal with that right now." I suddenly wondered if Lauren was more involved in other peoples business than I had previously thought, but I didn't have much time to ponder that because Lily went on to say "It's just, after everything that happened last year with Sev. I don't want to see you get hurt too." She smiled sadly.
"It's alright Lils. I’m sorry for going off on you. But Sirius isn't Sniv-" I caught myself, unsure if using the Marauders nickname for Snape would make her mad. "-Snape." I corrected.

“I dunno how you can be sure of that but hey he’s your friend not mine.” Lily said shrugging. “I won’t butt into your friendship anymore”.
“Sorry to break up this touching moment, but we’re here.” Emma said looking out the window. As we walked towards the horseless carriages, thinking of what this year would bring us, I couldn’t help but wonder if the rain that was pouring down was some kind of omen.
“Rain, rain go away...” I muttered to myself thinking of how ironic that there was a storm outside but for me there was also one on the inside.

****
AN: Ok major thanks to Lauren for her help with this chapter and for letting me steal her name. And about a hundred million thanks to Stef for beta-ing this chapter and fixing a few mistakes and cleaning up my ending, because I kind of fail at wrapping things up...I'm working on it though promise! Please leave me feedback!

Don't kill me!

The next morning I trudged sleepily down to the great hall. I was not a morning person, it took Lily dragging me out of bed and threatening to use the aquamenti charm to shower me if I didn't go do it myself to get me out of bed more mornings than not. By the time I got downstairs for breakfast all of my friends were already down there and James was already pestering Lily when I sat down. I placed my hand on his shoulder and shoved him over so that I could sit in between them.

"What was that for?" He question glaring at me.
"James, honestly," I said, rolling my eyes at him, "I didn't want Lily to get detention on our first day back for killing you." Then I saw the look on his face and I sighed, "Just lay off her James, asking her out every five minutes doesn't help your case any."

There was a time when all of us were best friends, back when we were little kids and life was simple, before boys and girls started liking each other and before we started having secrets that we just couldn't share with everybody. Then about half-way through fourth year James asked Lily out, they went on one date and James messed up big time, he had quidditch practice before hand and the practice ran over. It wasn't his fault he was late, but in Lily's head it was inexcusable. He had spend the last year and a half trying to get a second chance, but she ignored everything he said, and it got unbearable to be around the two of them. Lily started separating herself from the group, and I was dragged out with her. I love the guys and I still consider them my best friends, but I needed a girl friend too for the things that I just couldn't talk about with them.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts, it did no good stressing about things that were so long past, and that I had no control over. I unconsciously fiddled with the bracelets on my wrist and looked down at my schedule, I groaned.

"What's wrong Izzie?" I looked up to see Sirius sitting down across from me.
"About time you got your lazy butt out of bed Siri," I tossed him my schedule, "Look at this rubbish, double potions first thing in the morning. What kind of cruel person would do that to me? And on a Monday!" I sighed dramatically.
"Breathe, Iz," Sirius said laughing. "I have good news for you, your knight in shinning armor happens to have the same schedule. He shall save thee fair maiden from the awful Slytherins."
"Knight in shinning armor?" I snorted, "Siri if you're my last hope for protection I'm dead. Not that I'd ever be a damsel in distress needing you to save me anyways."
"We'll see about that my fair maiden." He replied confidently.
I started to respond but Lily interrupted. "Two things, one, What muggle fairytales have you two been reading? And two, can you please walk and answer at the same time, before we're late for class?"
"Ah but Lils, didn't you know, my bestest friend in the whole wide world is a very smart girl, and wanna know a secret?" I leaned close to whisper in her ear but spoke at a normal volume, "She's muggle born!"
"I knew you'd been stealing my books..." Lily mumbled as she stood up.

When I got up to the common room after dinner I saw Lily sitting on the couch trying desperately to concentrate on the essay we had been assigned for Slughorn. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was actually writing a mental list entitled "The top hundred ways to kill James Potter with just my quill."

I started to approach her to see what he had done this time but saw James and Sirius entering from the boys dorm. One look at them was enough to tell me that James was about to go for his third try at Lily in one day so instead I cut in front of him, grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the common room.

Neither of us said anything until we were outside sitting under our favorite tree by the lake. He sat down and stared at me, obviously waiting, but I just shook my head. After a few minutes of the two of us sitting in silence, him most likely daydreaming about my best friend, me remembering all the times we had come here before when things were less complicated. Finally I turned my head to look at him and sighed.

"You can't just ask her out any time you want James, that's not going to help you get her to date you." I told him, "All it does is make her angry and then I have to clean up the mess you made."
"I know." James looked away, unable to meet my eyes, "...I want her to be mine...I want to just spill all of my feelings for her out but she won't listen...I want to just ask her..." he trailed off miserably.
"I know James." I reached out and squeezed his hand, "I know. But that doesn't help you any, she doesn't take any of what you say seriously, she thinks it's just a joke. All you accomplish by pestering her constantly is ruining whatever sort of a friendship you may have had." I stared at him, begging him to understand that he was also killing, he hadn't already killed, the group that we used to have. He simply nodded and I knew it to mean he understood what I meant.

I leaned my head against his shoulder and we sat in silence to watch the sun set over the lake. In moments like these I thought that I could love James Potter. When his mouth was shut and he was sitting there completely lost in thought, or on the rare occasion that he wasn't being too egocentric to notice what else was going on in the world. James and I had tried dating once, it was in the beginning of our fifth year. The relationship had lasted maybe a month before we both realized that the feelings we had for each other were strictly platonic. There were times, like this, when I would wish that he would wrap his arms around me again and just hold me tight, but our relationship was more of a brother-sister sort of love. I occasionally thought that maybe we could try again and see if we could be more, but I could see clearly that what he felt for Lily wasn't just a joke, or a phase, something that he would grow out of shortly. He was in love, and that wasn't something I was going to stand in the way of. Besides, we really were better as friends.

"So how are you holding up?" He asked as the last bit of sun dipped into the lake.
"Hmm?" I had been so lost in thought I had practically forgotten he was there.
"Without Lore," he clarified, "You may have the rest of the world fooled but I know you better."
"I'm alright, really." He stared at me disbelieving, "Ok, yeah, it's hard, and yeah, I miss her more than anybody could ever know, but what am I going to do?" I shrugged. "Life goes on."
"Maybe so," James stood and offered his hands to pull me to my feet. "But it doesn't have to go on on your own Isabella." He pulled me up and looked me straight in the eye, "We're here for you, even if it seems like us guys aren't around as much, if you ever need anything. We're here."
"Thanks," I said, "But really James, I'm fine." I could hear the lie in my voice but I prayed he couldn't. "I will be fine."

I stared at James in shock for a minute. How could he have possibly known what had been going on in my head all day. How alone I had been feeling, how much I missed my sister and everything about the way my life used to be. For a split second I thought about spilling everything. I opened my mouth to tell him, but as my hand slid to the bracelets on my wrist I shut it again, there was no way he could possibly understand that. No one could.


AN: Ok first off, please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes or anything that's not quite perfect, I posted this chapter un-beta-ed, but I promise promise promise that next chapter will be beta-ed. That being said, I want to take a minute to thank Stef for all her help she's given me with this story and for making me start writing again, even though she had to step down from the position as my beta she's amazing and I love her. Second thanks to Katie and AJ for their help with this chapter. Last thing, the conversation between Izzie and James about Lily is actually almost word for word a conversation that I had the other day with a friend of mine. Their relationship is based almost completely off of ours except for we've never considered dating, so thanks to Matt for being my inspiration. Please leave me lots of nice feedback.

I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind me, I barely had it locked when I collapsed to the floor in sobs. I'm NOT ok, I thought, I'm not, why is that so hard for me to say? I am not ok. It was now nearly two months into the school year, I should have been ok by now. I had gotten amazing at pretending I was ok. I showed up where I needed to be when I needed to be there, I smiled when I needed to smile and laughed when I needed to laugh. I never once let the mess I was on the inside out, except when I was alone.

Whenever I was alone I was reduced to this state, and I had the amount of time that I could last before breaking down figured out to a science. Like the class I was supposed to be in right now, I knew that I had long enough to go to class, put my books down, and wait until I had a chance to ask for a bathroom pass before I would hit my breaking point. I had cut it close this time, a few minutes longer I would have been a blubbering mess in the classroom. I should have lasted longer, I had had a breakdown that morning when I was showering and getting ready so I should have lasted a few days before I lost it again, but I had been stupid and taken that shortcut. I had avoided it the entire year, but I was running late to class and it was the fastest way. Next time I'll take the stupid tardy, I thought bitterly, I'll never go down our hallway again. A fresh sob emerged at the thought.

Our hallway. It was the place that Lore and I used to hang out when she was still in school. One night a month we would both sneak out after curfew and meet up in this secret passage way that she knew and spend the entire night just sitting there, talking about everything and anything that crossed our minds. I don't know who started it first, but we began to call it our hallway, because it was our secret place. It became the codename for it, when we wanted to meet there but were in company. We would say things like, "Mum is planning to redo our hallway, she wants us to come to see it." Since my family was fairly wealthy everybody just assumed we meant that it was our section of the house that our parents rarely bothered us in.

I stood shakily at the sink and held the blade to my wrist, bitting my lower lip so that I didn't cry out again, so I didn't say the things that needed to be said but would not make any difference anyways. I wanted to say that it should have been me, not Lorelei. I wanted to say that I missed her, that I needed her. I wanted to tell somebody that I needed help. I wanted somebody to notice that I wasn't alright and get me help. I wanted the feeling of being completely utterly alone to disappear.

Slowly I cleaned up the mess of blood I had made in the sink and healed my arm so it would stop bleeding. I had mastered the spell to get rid of cuts, but because I dug the razor in so deep the scars remained, I was getting better and only skimming the surface though. Just as I had finished cleaning the bathroom and my arm up a girl entered the bathroom. It was a girl in my class, a Ravenclaw named Bethany Roe who had long brown hair that fell past her butt that she always kept pulled up in a ponytail and blue eyes.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize..." she trailed off nervously "Professor Flitwick sent me to make sure you were alright."
"I'm fine." I said whipping my tears away and thinking to be careful what I wished for, I couldn't talk to a practical stranger about this but I needed to say something, some explanation for the state I was in. "I just, some days I miss my sister more than others, you know?" I said, deciding on a half-truth. The girl nodded.
"Lorelei was a great person." she said, "I was only in my second year when she left school, well obviously, being as I'm in the same year as you and all, but she was always really nice to me, always willing to help with my work." I nodded and smiled weakly at the girl, I knew her rambling was supposed to cheer me up, and it did sound like Lorelei, so I gave her the smile she wanted to see.
"Do you want me to tell Flitwick that you're sick and I took you to the nurse? He never checks so you could have the rest of the period off." I stared at her shocked, a Ravenclaw offering to help me ditch class? While the offer was very tempting I would then have to make something up for Lily and I didn't want to deal with that.
"No," I said, faking yet another smile, "Just give me a minute, I pulled my hair up into a quick ponytail and redid my makeup, taking maybe 10 minutes more, then turned and smiled my award winning fake smile once more. "Lets go."

***

As it turns out, I should have taken the free period to work out what I was going to say to Lily. She was freaking out about me having been missing for nearly half the class. I had spent all of dinner trying to get her to leave me alone, telling her I was in the bathroom, I hadn't felt well, but that I was fine now, none of which was she buying.

"I was freaking out have the class about you! The least you can do is tell me what the heck you were doing." She said for the millionth time as we made our way back to the common room.
"I TOLD you Lils, I was in the bathroom I swear it."
"Fine, then why don't you tell me just who you were in the bathroom with?" she asked, "Because if you were gone for that long you must have been doing something or someone," She stressed the last word.
"Please, who would I be in the bathroom with?" I actually snorted at the thought, because while in the last few years I will admit to have being slightly boy crazy and ditching classes for make-out sessions and what not, I really hadn't payed much attention to any of the guys at school this year.
"I don't know. Potter and Black are always hanging on you." She accused.
"James," I stressed the name, "is to in love with a certain redhead I know to spend any time in a bathroom with me, and Sirius and I would never happen in a million years."
"But you don't deny that you like them."
"Fine Lily, I am madly completely deeply in love with Sirius and James and was off with BOTH of them while I was supposed to be in charms." I said sarcastically. Unfortunately for me both boys came around the corner at that exact moment.
"You are Iz?" Sirius asked grinning at me. "Well wow, I'm sure flattered, but really, hot as you are, the two of us would never work out. I hope this doesn't affect our friendship any, and I promise that if you ever need to talk about this or something, well I would have no problem finding us a nice secluded broom cupboard."
I rolled my eyes and shoved him. "Keep dreaming Siri, cus that's the only place you'll ever have me."

He started to retort but I turned his attention to James who was trying to do, what he probably thought was damage control with Lily, but what was really just making everything worse.
"Honest Lils." He said, practically begging, "we've never...Isabella and I...we never...I wouldn't...the only one I would ever do anything with is you...honest..." He trailed off.
"Ok one, Potter, I know you and Isa would never do anything, and if you did she would have told me by now." I could tell by the look on Lily's face that she was about to take out her frustrations with me on James.
"So you'll go out with me then?" James looked hopeful. "Hogsmeade trip is this weekend, you know you want to." Lily's face turned from a look of annoyance to one of pure hatred.
"Two," she carried on as if she hadn't heard him, "I told you not to call me Lily, it's Evans to you, Potter. And three, I thought we established this about a million times over already, I will never go on a date with you!" She was now practically screaming at him
"What if it was like a group thing? You and me, Sirius and Isa, Remus and uhm we could set him up with Emma, and Peter and...well we'll find somebody for Peter..." James asked, and somehow he managed to still seem hopeful.
"Whoa, don't drag us into this mate." Sirius said, but it seemed like either I was the only one who heard him or else the other two just ignored him.
"I would sooner drown myself in the black lake Potter." she said, then she pulled out her wand and sent the bat-boogey hex and him and stormed off.
"She's got quite the temper that one." Sirius said to me, trying to contain his laughter.
"Nah," I grinned, "Well...Maybe...Plus she just really doesn't like James." I pulled out my wand and cast the counter-course and helped James to his feet. "I warned you to leave her be." I said to him.
"I know, I know," James sighed, "I just don't know what comes over me when she's around."
"Well, I would recommend finding a potion or something to take whenever she's around then, clear up the symptoms." By now we had reached the common room so I had no good excuse left not to go check on Lily.

When I got up to our dorm I saw her laying collapsed on her bed with tears streaming down her face. I stared at her for a moment, since she hadn't seen me enter I thought maybe I could turn and leave and she wouldn't know I was here. I loved Lily to death but I didn't think that I could be properly sympathetic right now and not get annoyed with whatever petty problem made her cry. But, she was my best friend and I knew that if I didn't take care of her nobody would, so I walked over to her bed and sat next to her and began stroking her gorgeous long hair. It seemed like I sat there for hours before she finally spoke, her voice hoarse.

"I thought maybe he had changed. Gone back to the guy he used to be. I was considering agreeing to be friends with him again. I should have known better." She sighed.
"Aw Lils, He is the same guy he used to be, the only difference is that he's crazy about you." I tried to sound soothing.
"No, what changed is he got hormones, now all he wants is a good hook-up." she sounded bitter.
"You know that's not true Lils." I argued, "You're just scared that he won't be the guy you thought he was, so you'd rather just say that he's not than risk getting hurt."

Lily didn't say anything, she just sat there for a while with me holding her like only a best friend can. In a way that says that everything will be ok, that I understand it hurts now but it will get easier. In the way that I had been longing for for so long, but was to afraid to ask for because nobody would be able to understand, to tell me that it will get easier, because nobody else knew.


***
AN: Hey guys, I'm sorry I know this chapter was insanely short, I actually had more planned for it but I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow morning for 10 days and wanted to get something up for you all before I left. I promise I'll have a really really long chapter ready for you when I get home.

Please leave me feedback, Link is in my siggy.

~Kristina

I was in a dark misty forest, I had never been there before and had no clue how I had gotten there. All I knew was that I was there and I was alone, utterly and completely alone. And I felt scared, terrified even, as if somebody was chasing me. I didn't know who they were or why they were chasing me, all I knew was that I needed to run. Run fast away from them. That's when I heard it, the voice I knew so well, it was as if she was whispering in my ear.

"It's alright," Lorelei said, "You're going to be ok Izzie, you're going to make it out of here because you're strong Iz, so strong. And I am so proud of you for it." I spun around so fast I nearly fell on my rear, but managed to regain my balance, only to see that there was nobody there. But she has to be there, I thought desperately. I heard her, she was there, I knew it. I broke into a run screaming her name. I knew that if I could just run fast enough I would find her.

***

"Isa, Isa hun wake up, shhh it's okay...it's okay." I opened my eyes to see Lily and Lauren standing around me looking panicked.
"Oh thank god you're up, we were getting worried." Lauren said as Lily pulled me into a hug. "You have been thrashing around and crying out in your sleep for the last 20 minutes, we didn't know what to do. We even sent Em to find McGonagall.

I stared around me for a few minutes, trying to get my bearings. It was just a dream. A dream, not real, it was a cruel joke played by my imagination. But I was so sure it was real, I knew it was. It wasn't like a normal dream, it was to vivid, far too real. I had felt the mist and smelt the trees. It had to have been real. I shut my eyes tight, trying to draw it back to me, it was still so clear in my head I was almost certain that I could find my sister if I just tried hard enough.

"Isabella?" Lauren asked, sounding even more scared than before.
"What?" I asked, then without waiting for an answer I said, "I'm fine...I just need a shower. A nice long, hot shower." I stood and headed towards the bathroom.
"Will you make it to charms or should we tell Flitwick you're sick?" Lily asked.
"Tell him I'm sick." I said and then went into the bathroom and locked the door behind me, leaving my two friends staring after me confused and scared.

I knew that I should give them some sort of explanation, They deserved something considering they would both be lying to cover for me, but in all honesty I just didn't care right now. I would make something up later if I had to, but right now I just needed to be alone and think.

I turned on the shower as hot as it would go and then let the scalding water cascade over me for ages, thinking about my dream. I still wasn't entirely convinced that it was a dream. I had dreams about her before, a million times over, and I always woke close to tears and missing her. This wasn't like that. It had felt so real, I was almost positive that it was real, my dreams faded when I woke up, but this was still there, strong as ever, I knew it had to be real. I stood under the water for a little while longer, letting my thoughts run free, even though they mostly continued to circle. By the time I turned off the water and got out the entire bathroom was thick with steam and I couldn't see my reflection in the mirror.

I stood there for a few minutes and looked at my left forearm, there were now 12 thin lines going in every which direction. I felt so ashamed, that was not something that my big sister would have been proud of me for. She always said that I was strong, even now, she still said that I was strong, but if she could see me, see what I was doing to myself. For the first time I could think of Lorelei was wrong, because I wasn't strong, I was weak and I gave in, and I knew that if she could see me now she wouldn't be at all proud of me. However, this thought caused it to hurt even more, so even though I hated myself for doing it. Even though I knew my sister would have hated me for doing it, I dug another thin line into my arm. And somehow, even though I regretted it and knew it was wrong, somehow it made me feel like Lorelei was right, that I was ok.

I toweled off, got dressed and snuck down to the kitchens making it back just in time for my second class of the day. Luckily I didn't sit near any of my friends during that class so I didn't have to worry about my explanation yet. Unfortunately I forgot that Emma had gone to get McGonagall and she set the class to work then promptly pulled me aside.

"Professor Flitwick sent me a note saying you had missed class. Are you ill?" She asked. I hated talking to this woman, absolutely hated it. Although she had never done anything bad to make me hate being with her she always had this look about her like I had done something wrong, then I remembered that technically ditching was doing something wrong.

"Not to mention that Miss Reid came bursting into my quarters this morning insisting that I come check on you, only to meet up with Miss Evans and Miss O'Connell who said that you were perfectly fine." She continued, "Would you like to explain."
"I'm terribly sorry for any inconvience I have put you through with this incident Professor," I said, buying myself a moment to consider my wording then deciding to go with the truth. "You see, last night I had an awful nightmare about my older sister, Lorelei. I'm sure you remember her...anyway, well I'm not sure if you've heard about what happened but..." McGonagall nodded so I skipped the painful story and said, "See I guess that because of my nightmare I was crying out and tossing in my sleep, and my friends were unable to wake me. I asked them to explain the situation to Professor Flitwick because I was extremely upset by my dream and didn't want to attend class crying."
"I see," Professor McGonagall said, "Well, in that case I guess I will excuse your absence this once, just see that it doesn't happen again."
"It won't Professor, thank you." I said, I stood to leave, understanding that I was dismissed.
"Oh, and Miss Hall," I turned and saw what could only be taken as the faintest hint of a smile, "I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Lorelei was a great person."
I nodded my thanks, to shocked to say anything, and exited the classroom quickly.

I had managed to avoid my friends for the rest of the morning, but I knew that I would have to answer them during lunch. I could always pretend I needed to study and go to the Library, considering I had missed my first 2 classes, everybody would understand why I ditched lunch. But I knew that I couldn't avoid them forever, I may as well own up to it before they got worried enough to approach Sirius and James.

I guess that I wasn't meant to keep it a secret though, because when I sat down at the lunch table Sirius took the seat next to me with the rest of the Marauders, save James who went to sit next to Lily. For once though Lily didn't even take notice of James flirting with her, saying, "Lily you must be tired because you've been running through my head all morning," as he sat down. A comment like that would normally have gotten at the very least a sarcastic remark. She was determined to find out what was going on.

"So, Isabella," she said, trying to sound casual, "care to tell us what on earth it was that had you so worked up this morning?" I knew she meant well but I couldn't help but glare.
"Oh yea, Isa, if you were gonna ditch you could have at least told us, we'd have come with." James said laughing.
"I wasn't ditching," I sighed, then decided to give my friends the same half truth I gave my teacher, "I just had a bad dream, and I woke up and wanted Lore but obviously she's not here." I looked down and played with my bracelets, making sure they covered the marks, I felt somebody wrap their arms around me but couldn't bear to look up.
"I'm sorry Izzie, I know how hard this is for you." I heard Sirius whisper in my ear, "If you ever want to sneak off and talk, you know where to find me." I nodded, tears filling my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to sneak off and talk to him, but I knew he would never get it.
"Ok, so now that we all know Isabella isn't going to die..." Emma said looking excited, "I have big news, huge major ginormous news."
"Is ginormous even a word?" Remus asked, earning himself a glare. "Sorry. What is your news, oh wise maker-upper of words?"
"Now whos making up words?" Emma snapped, still glaring at him
"Ok, ok, it doesn't matter what words are real and what words are made up!" I interrupted, not in the mood to deal with pointless squabbling, "What did you want to tell us Em?" Emma grinned victoriously.
"Ok, so I went to find McGonagall this morning to tell her about Izzie and all that drama, and I overheard her talking to Dumbledore. We're going to have a ball for Halloween!!!!!" She looked like she could barely contain her enthusiasm.

I could barely help but groan as the other girls broke out in excited chatter, I could not stand dances of any sort. I absolutely hated wearing dresses and couldn't be bothered with the hours of preparation my friends seemed to deem necessary before balls. Then there was the issue of having a date. There was nobody I was interested in and I didn't see the point in going by myself, but there was no way that any of my friends would let me out of going. I actually did groan at that thought, bringing the attention back to me.

"You ok Isabella?" Lauren asked.
"Oh yeah sure, just, you know, soooo excited about this upcoming dance." I said with a sarcastic eye-roll, causing Sirius and James to double with laughter.
"What's so funny?" Lily asked, glaring at James as if it was his fault I didn't like dances.
"Didn't you know our little Izzy gets sick at the mere thought of anything that causes her to dress up." James said, still laughing. "What about you, Lils, do dances creep you out? I bet you would look absolutely stunning in a black cocktail dress." He said, suddenly sincere.
"I don't see how that's any of your business, Potter." Her eyes narrowed even more.
"Well, if you were to let me escort you to the ball then it would be my business what you wore," he smiled at her, "What do you say Lils? Go with me?"
"In your dreams, Potter."
"Ah no, my sweet Lily, I don't dream about us going to silly dances in my dreams, you must be getting confused with yours. You see, my dreams we're doing things that don't require such fancy clothing." He paused, as if considering what he said, then added, "Or any clothing really." I groaned again, he just did not get it did he!

Lily stood from her seat and leaned across the table toward James, if I hadn't seen the look of pure anger and furry in her eyes I would have thought she was going to give him a kiss. James obviously thought the same thing because his grin got even larger, right before she punched him square in the face before turning and storming out of the Great Hall.

"Is that a no then?" James called after her, in response Lily gave him a very rude hand gesture behind her back and continued walking. "Any time you want Evans, just tell me when and where!"
"Rejected!" cheered Sirius and we all started laughing.
"Shut up Padfoot." James said moodily.
"Honestly, Potter," Lauren said as she and Emma stood up and headed toward class. "When are you going to get it through your head that she's not interested and stop annoying her, the joke is old already."
"It's not a joke..." James sighed. "It's not..."

I sighed, I had explained it to him so many times. Yet I wasn't in the mood to deal with it again today. Of course it wasn't a joke, of course James loved Lily, but it didn't matter not if he kept asking her out every chance he had. She saw it as a joke and he had to convince her otherwise. James just didn't understand that, and that was his problem. I had enough of my own problems to deal with, I had to catch up on the schoolwork I was behind on, I had to figure out what to do about that God awful dance that was coming up, and most importantly I had to figure out what my dream meant. I still wasn't entirely convinced that it was a dream, but either way, it had to mean something, and whatever that something was, I had a feeling it was very important.

"We're going to be late for class." I said, getting up and grabbing my bag and leading the way out of the Great Hall. I knew that it wasn't the response that James wanted from me, but for once, I didn't care either. I would let Sirius or Remus or Peter deal with it for a change. They were supposedly his best friends anyways, more important than me, so let them deal with his problems for a change. It was one of those days were I was tired of having to solve other’s problems, I was tired of having to be the one to give advice, the one everyone ran to with problems. I had problems of my own, I had to figure what my dream meant before I went insane.

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Okie I wanna thank Kelly, Lauren, and AJ for all their help with this chapter, and most importantly my amazing beta Stef, who decided not to abandone me after all!!! Also major thanks to the peoples who leave me feedback cus it inspires me to write. I love you guys!!!

~Kristina

Warning: This chapter has a lot of sensative topic, I've said it before, but I think this is about the darkest it's been yet so...you're warned.

"Hey, Isabella." Said a voice from behind me, I jumped about a foot in the air because I had been staring at my transfiguration homework for at least an hour and had thought that everybody else had gone to bed.
"Hey Jason," I replied, "You scared me. What's up?"
"Nothing really, I saw you at practice earlier tonight, you looked good." He said, as he sat down next to me.
"Err...Jason...? I'm not on the quidditch team..." I replied looking confused, I didn't follow the sport much but I was pretty sure that knowing who your teammates were was important.
"No, I meant I saw you watching and that you looked really pretty..." He replied looking away, obviously very nervous.
"Oh, wow," I blushed slightly but smiled at him, "Thank you, I completely spaced that I had been down their earlier. I had needed to ask James something but I completely forgot because of the drama with him and Lils." I added, trying to make him feel better, it seemed to work because he smiled back at me.
"So, uhm...I was uh...wondering if...if you were planning on going to the ball this weekend...?"
"No, I don't think I am...I mean, nobody has asked me yet..." I replied, still smiling.
"So, if I were to ask you to the dance...?" He trailed off nervously.
"If you were to ask me I would most definitly say yes." I smiled.
Jason grinned, "Well consider this me asking you then."
"Consider this me saying yes," I replied, then got up to go to my dorm, as I turned I saw somebody turning quickly up the stairs to the boys dorm.

I had never really considered dating Jason Bradson before, he was a Gryffindor in my year and was on the quidditch team. He was also fairly good looking, extremely good looking actually. He was tall, about 6 foot, with a natural olive colored skin. He had long dark hair that fell back away from his face and gorgeous blue eyes that just about every other girl in the school fell in love with. He was also smart, he was fifth in our class. He was a nice guy too, one of those insanely sweet guys that were nearly impossible to find.

But even though on paper he seems like the perfect guy, somebody straight out of a muggle fairytale, I had never once felt any form of attraction to him, and I really didn't know why I had said yes. It wasn't that I wanted a date for the ball, in all honesty I wanted to avoid the ball at all costs and not having a date would have been a good excuse not to go. I just wasn't in the mood to deal with people right then. But he had been so cute and so sweet when he asked me out that I couldn't help it, I smiled at him and lead him on and said yes before I realized what I had done. I really don't know why I cared so much that I had agreed to go with him, it was just a date after all, and I had gone on tons of dates before, Lorelei always teased me about that fact, whining that I had been on more dates than her and I was supposed to be the little sister. So I really don't know why agreeing to go on a date with somebody I wasn't all that attracted to was bothering me so much, but something about it just felt wrong.

***

The next few days leading up to the ball were some of the weirdest, hardest, days of the term. Sirius had stopped speaking to me all together, although I couldn't figure out what I had done to upset him, he refused to even tell me what was wrong, he would just glare and then walk away. Because of this James and the others were also keeping their distance. I was miserable, I couldn't figure out what I had done to make them all stop speaking to me but it hurt worse than I could have ever imagined that it would. I sobbed myself to sleep the next three nights and added several more lines to my arm, but even that didn't help make it feel that much better.

The morning of the ball I was sitting by myself eating breakfast when Sirius came up and sat down across from me smiling wide. He was holding hands with Kristellina Depralvson, a girl in my house and year who had transferred from Beauxbatons Academy at the beginning of term. Her hair, eyes and personality all seemed to have been designed perfectly for her. She had short, layered brown hair with natural blond and red highlights and a side fringe that fell into her eyes that seemed to be every color all at once. She was also the most laid back person I've ever met, completely insane but in the good way and cool with just about anything.

"Hey Izzie" Sirius said grinning at me.
"Hello, Black." I said glaring at him and putting emphasis on his last name.
"Whoa, Iz, whats with the hostility?" He asked, feigning innocence. And suddenly, I was livid, instead of answering him I threw my now empty class at his head and stormed off.

I honestly don't know what had come over me, I mean sure, I had been annoyed that he had been ignoring me, and yeah, it hurt more than I would have ever admited to him, but it was something more than that. The fact that he had the nerve to come up to me and act like everything was cool after that, without ever bothering with an explanation, and then to have that, that, that girl holding his hand at the time! It infuriated me, I don't really know why it did, but it did, it was like seeing them set off a bomb that had just been waiting to explode.

I stormed into the dorm and saw Lily sitting on her bed sobbing. I took a few deep breathes to calm myself down and then went over to hug my friend.
"Shh...shh Lils, its ok, what happened? Whats wrong?" I asked soothingly.
"He...that...conceited pig...thought he had the right..." Lily trailed off sobbing hysterically.
"Shh, Lils, it's ok, whatever James said, you know he didn't mean it." But this seemed to have the opposite affect because Lily then looked up and glared at me.
"Yes! Yes he did mean it!" she yelled, "Why do you always take his side?! That egotistical...thing...I don't even have a word strong enough to describe him...he scared my date into canceling on me! He has no righ! NONE! And you! You always taking his side without even knowing! You're supposed to be my best friend but you always side with him! ALWAYS!

"You really have no clue do you Lily?" I spoke in a tone much calmer than I actually felt. "Perfect Lily Evans really doesn't have a clue do you. Just for once Lils, can't you see past your own temper, your own anger, your own drama, and notice anybody else? Anything else?" I could tell my words stung her but I continued anyways. "You call James egotistical, you say that he doesn't have the right, but Lily, he is in love with you. You're right, he doesn't have the right to scare your dates off, but what else is the guy supposed to do. He's insanely in love with you and you won't give him the time off day." I paused to take a breath then added, "And as for me, you say I'm supposed to be your best friend, Lily I am always there for you, even though I don't agree with everything you do, even when I think you're being over dramatic, I am always there to take care of you. But when was the last time that you had time to notice me?"

Lily stared at me with hurt and confusion in her eyes for a long time before she whispered, "What do you mean, I notice you Isa, you're my best friend how could I not?" But even she knew that wasn't true, she knew it before I said something and she knew it before I proved that it was true. But I was sick, sick and tired of everything, and sick of keeping it all in, so I pushed my bracelets up my arm and held it up for Lily to see the damage before turning and walking into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

I collapsed on the floor and just sobbed, I don't know how long I sat there, completely lost in thought, trying to comprehend what had just happened. I don't know why I lost my temper at Sirius, and I have even less of a clue why I lost it at Lily. Lily hadn't meant what she said, I knew that. She regretted the words the second they left her mouth because she knew they were untrue, and I saw that in her eyes. But for once in my life, I just didn't care. I didn't care that Lily was sorry because she had still said it, and for once, I was sick and tired of being the bigger person. I was sick and tired of being the one to clean up my best friends messes when she didn't have a clue what it was like to have a problem and made a huge deal out of nothing.

I was sick taking care of James whenever he messed things up with Lily and trying to help him get her to fall for him. I mean, I know he cared about her, but for once I was sick of dealing with it, it was about time he grew up and accepted the fact that she wasn't interested. I was sick of taking care of him, it wasn't my job.

I was sick of Sirius picking and choosing when to be my friend when I had done nothing wrong and then expecting me to take him back with open arms. I was sick of him not ever once noticing me, even though I didn't truly understand why I wanted him to notice me. I was sick of him parading gorgeous girls in front of me, though I didn't know why I cared.

I was sick of having to be strong for my friends, and sick of holding it all in. I was sick of crying myself to sleep every single night, and sick of the scars on my arms. However, I knew that none of it would just stop, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, it would always be there, I couldn't run from my problems.

I pulled the blade from my pocket and carved a single word into my arm. I watched as the blood and tears mixed and vowed to myself that it would never happen again, that one word would be the end of it all. It was the truth about who I was and where I was, it described me perfectly. So, I carved it with care and precision, making sure it was equally perfect in my arm. And then I sat there and just sobbed as I watched the blood gush from my arm, I knew that I should probably heal the cuts, that I was loosing more blood than I ever had before, but it felt so good that I couldn't bring myself to. That word was the last thing I saw before completely blacking out.


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AN: I'm soo sorry for the delay guys, I have no good excuse other than I just didn't get it written. Major thanks to Kelly for her help with the chapter. Please let me know what you think of this chapter, it isn't at all what I originally had planned, but I kind of like it anyways...feedback is in my siggy.