may I just say, this is all just for fun

Chapter 1
The Beginning...

Bob, Milo and Greydude were all about to start their first year at Hogwarts. They had all stayed at Milo's house, and were all friends. They had met the 434th Quiddich World Cup, and were all chatting merrily about their amazing ideas of what to do.
"I'm going to turn my worst enemy's pet rock into a dragon!" screamed Milo excitedly.
"Me too, only mine will be a Hungarian Horntail!" came Greydude.
"No, Chinese fireballs rock!"
"Come on, children, you're going to miss the train- OH MY WORD! It's leaving in 1 minute!"
Milo's mother, who had screamed, promptly left with Milo's sister.
"Come on." said Milo. "We should go."
At that point, the clock behind them chimed 11 o'clock.
"Ah."
At that point, a man who had been leaning against the pillar, his face hidden by a bowler's cap moved to face them.
"Missed the train to Hogwarts, lads?"
"Err... yeah." Milo spoke quietly, like the man.
"Come with me." The stranger led them out of the station.

The stranger led them to a back street, where six ropes were tied to thin air. The stranger clambered onto what seemed like an invisible horse.
"Climb onto the thestrels, yes, the ropes are tied around their necks, and wait there."
Milo walked up to the nearest hovering rope, and to his immense surprise, felt something there. He felt along the 'neck' and found a flat bit. He put his foot just below his hand, and climbed onto the horse. He told the other two what to do, while the stranger took out his wand, pointed it at the rope, and muttered "reducto." The rope incinerated. He walked over to the trio, and incinerated the other ropes. A series of strange events then all happened in quick succession. He told them all to come to him, and they immediately started moving towards him. he then threw a cloak over them, before asking the horses if they could go to Hogwarts. They then started rising slowly, before making it above the clouds, where the stranger took off the cloak from them. Milo couldn't resist it.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Harry." replied the stranger. "Harry Potter."

They flew for what seemed like half the day, until they finally started to go down behind a mountain.
"You'll get your first sight of Hogwarts in a minute!" Harry said to the very shaken trio.
They walked round a very large rock, and saw it.
Bob's jaw dropped.
Milo's jaw dropped.
Greydude just dropped.
"Wow..." Bob's expression was misty.
"It's awfully big!" excaimed Greydude, as he picked himself up off the floor and dusted himself down.
"You ought to change here, before we continue."
All three of them whipped round.
"What?"

When they finally made it to the castle, Hagrid had already left with the boats. They decided to fly across the lake, and made it to the side chamber where Professor Longbottom took over.
"Thanks, Harry."
"No problem, Neville"
The new first year students all filed inside. They walked up several flights of stairs before they walked through the large oak doors.
Bob's jaw dropped.
Milo's jaw dropped.
Greydude just dropped.
"Oh dear, we really ought to fix that grate!" came a cheerful voice. Everyone looked round. Dumbledore's long lost son was standing there.
"Permission to crowd round granted."
Everyone from the nearest two tables immediately scrambled to get good views.
"Do you reckon he's hurt?"
"Will he be all right?"
"He should really go to the hospital wing!"
"Of course he'll be all right, unless he's been attacked by nargals!"
Eyes flashed in answer to this strange pronouncement. A girl who resembled Luna so well loomed out of the shadows. A distraction came when a voice from the hole came:
"I'm all right!"

After a very long feast (in which Greydude fell off his chair when Nearly Headless Nick came flying out of his chicken) they all headed off to the 7th floor as they had all been sorted into Gryffindor, and they had the same dormitory as Harry and Ron had. They shared it with two boys called Abe and Mitchel. They had come from Australia, and they were happy to have 'such nice people' (they all snorted) to share a dormitory with. They remained friends until their final year at Hogwarts when things all started to go wrong...

Chapter 2
When it all went wrong...

"Quiet years, quiet years, quiet years! That's all you ever think about, isn't it?"
"What? That's what you think? You've been having a go at me about this for years, Milo!"
"Well, it's all you-"
"Oh give it a rest!" Bob yelled over his two bickering friends. He was sick of them always arguing, and the bell had just gone. "You're supposed to be friends! Anyway, it's charms!"
They walked in silence up to the second floor, Bob in the middle, which was probably a good thing. Milo and Greydude were looking daggers at each other. Milo positioned himself between Abe and Mitchel. His face was red from anger. There was a scar on his cheek that looked positively white compared to the rest of his face. They spent most of the lesson revising for their NEWTs, so Milo charmed his pencil case to start whacking Greydude around the head. Greydude retaliated by charming his pencil case to start shooting quills, ink and other such things at Milo. Soon, two fights had broken out. One, the pencil cases (now devoid of stationary) were killing each other, while Greydude and Milo were charming their stationary to stab each other. They were both promptly put in detention before things got nasty. Bob put a shield charm between them non-verbally.

"Well, I don't know what you thought you were going to get out of that, but you got what I thought was coming to you." Bob said after dinner. Milo and Greydude had been told what their detentions were. Bob was thankful that they were in separate detentions. He was still putting shield charms between them wherever there was a danger of them attacking each other. Milo was sitting with Mitchel and Abe in an opposite corner of the common room. Bob was sitting with Greydude. Bob was sad that his shield charms did not muffle sound. Milo was yelling insults at frequent intervals across the common room. Greydude was looking as though he wanted to yell something back, but Bob had put the silencing charm on him. He was writing all of his messages on a bit of scrap parchment. He begged Bob to put a silencing charm on Milo, too. As the insults were getting quite nasty, he did.

Things got worse. By Christmas, as the Yule Ball had become an annual thing, Greydude asked Milo's girlfriend, Anna, out. To persuade her, he told all sorts of lies about what he had said. It went out of anyone's control then...

Chapter Three
The disappearance...

Things went from bad to worse during the Yule Ball. The friends were so angry at each other that they organised an unspoken dance competition. Greydude won the most impressive dance routine and several other unspoken awards that Milo got sick of it. It became so severe that Bob had to do several silencing charms and one incredibly powerful shield charm. The silencing charm was due to a shouting match. Bob doubted that his friends would ever make up.

Bob was soon to be proved right, as next morning, they woke up to find a dragon trying to burn down the lake, though without much success. Greydude was lying awake pointing his wand at the window. It was a few seconds before Milo realised what was going on.
"Where's my pet rock?"
"Out there."
"Wha- YOU TURNED MY PET ROCK INTO A HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL!?"
"Got it in one."
"I'll kill you! I really-"
"No, you won't." Greydude responded quickly. "This dragon is under my imperius curse, I could get it to kill you quite easily."
"Greydude!" Bob screamed indignantly.
"You may have noticed the hint of sarcasm."
Milo stormed out of the room. About 30 seconds later, Greydude felt it hard to continue the curse, as it was now a pet rock trying to scuttle into the forest.

As the year progressed, things took a turn for the worse. During the Easter, Milo sent huge chocolate eggs to Bob, Abe and Mitchel, each stuffed with toffee and iced broomsicks ("all the best brands!") and sent to Greydude a tiny egg that you'd usually find in easter egg hunts. Greydude retaliated by holding a massive birthday party which included several bottles of Firewhisky, Butterbeer and masses of each of the sweets from Honeydukes in the room of requirement, and invited all of Gryffindor tower, but didn't invite Milo. When everyone came back, no-one had a clue where Milo was, though. Everyone searched for him, even Greydude, (but grudgingly,) but no-one had a clue where he'd vanished off to. Everyone was looking out for him the next morning. Anna spent most of her time crying her eyes out from then on. But by the end of the year, no-one knew where he was...

Chapter Four
The return...

Time passed peacefully for Bob and Greydude. About 3 years later, they decided that they'd meet up at a cafe in town. Greydude was just about to turn a corner in which he would face the cafe, when out of a dark alley that just happened to be there by coincidence, a hand appeared, which dragged him in. Greydude was only stopped from screaming by the fact that the hand was over his mouth. It was a few seconds before he realised who the hand belonged to. That made him attempt to pry the hand away from his mouth. He had forgotten all about him...

By 5:00 that evening, Bob was starting to get worried, especially about the fact that they had promised to meet up at 9:00 that morning. Greydude had never been especially puctual, but 8 hours... this was too much. He sent his twelth patronus begging him to reply, but he didn't. By 1:00 am the next morning, he decided he'd send out a search party at 12 pm.

He was dead, so yet how could he be here? And why, why, had he tied him up to the wall of a cave by Victoria falls? What was going on? As he watched, this phenomenon continued to brew up this potion, sending a turret of green smoke out of the cave's mouth. He wondered vaguely what this potion was for, but it was driven out of his mind when he spoke.
"So, three years ago, you found it amusing to turn my pet rock into a Hungarian horntail?"
"Huh?"
"And you decided not to invite me to your massive party?"
"Err... who are you?"
"MILO!"

Chapter Five
Doom and Destruction...

"Who did you think I was?"
"My enemy from Slytherin. You look awfully like him."
"ENOUGH!"
Milo walked in as much of a circle around him as was possible.
"I have waited three long years, three long years for my revenge, and now, after my search for power, I HAVE MY WISH!"
Greydude just dropped, as the ropes broke under his weight. He stared at his old friend. He looked quite deranged. Milo walked over to the potion, lifted up the cauldron and tipped the full contents down his throat. Greydude gaped at him.
"This potion is something that enables creature transformations. I will now turn-"
But the rest of his words were drowned by a large gurgling sound, and in a puff of green smoke, he turned into a massive, oversized raven thing.

Before Greydude had time to wonder what this was, it had swooped down upon him, seized his arms, flew over to the cave mouth, and threw him out of it.

Chapter Six
Or not...

Greydude was falling, falling magesticaly like a raindrop. He was falling with the waterfall... before...
"OH MY GOD THAT HURT!"
He had landed on a pipe that was pouring sewage into the water. He was quite glad of this, really. The state of the water below was really not nice, especially as it was currently pouring out the contents of a toilet.
"Blasted pollution!"
It was only until something was hovering just in front of the entrance to the pipe that Greydude realised that something was wrong with it.
"What the- what are you?"
Shortly after that he realised he'd said something offensive, especially as it was now giving him a look of mortal spiritual damage. Then it burst into tears.
"Sorry, I haven't been speaking propely today. I-"
"You - sniff - meant what you - sniff - said! I can - sniff - read minds, you know!"
"You can?"
"Yes! I can!" it spoke in a very hurt, high pitched voice. "What you don't generally say to a fhaery when they have just been flushed down a toilet is not "what are you"! We fhaeries are very sensitive, you know!"
"Sorry, but fairies aren't this sensetive, we learnt about them in Care-"
But he was cut off by another tidal wave of tears.
"WE ARE NOT FAIRIES, WE ARE FHAERIES!"
"Huh?"
"BOOHOOHOO!" It broke down into yet another tidal wave of tears. When it had steadied itself, it said:
"We are what fairies evolved from. We live for an immesely long time, but most of us have been killed by you pathetic humans who have such a puny life span-"
"NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!"
The fhaery stared at him in shock.
"Just because you are supersensitive or something does NOT mean that we are not at all sensitive."
"Compared to us you are."
"OI!"
"Well it's true! You aren't very sensitive compared to us!"
"Well, OK, but who are you?"
"My name is Areya. I am the last existing member of the royal fhaery bloodline and probably the last fhaery alive! No thanks to YOU!"
"What have I done?"
"Well, something! Now time to get this muck off me and reveal myself!"
Greydude just dropped.
The fhaery had gold hair, which he swore was gold plated, and was wearing a black leather jacket with spikes on it, a belt which ha severla chains on it, boots to match the belt, and black trousers. She had cut her hair short and done it up into spikes.
"Wow!"
"Oh my god, oh my god a compliment from a human!"
"Don't look so shocked about it- OW!"
The fhaery had just seized both his ears and was now dragging him up the waterfall.
"Get off me! GET OFF ME!"
"My ride is at the top of the waterfall. That is where we are going."
"YOU SAID YOU WERE FLUSHED DOWN A TOILET!"
"Well I lied."
"WHY YOU LITTLE-"
"Look, I went exploring, I decided to go down that pipe, I got hit by the-"
"Do I really want you to finish that sentence?"
"Probably not."
"OK."
They floated upwards in silence broken only by the occasional wimper of Greydude, the thud of Areya kicking him which followed, which was succeeded by the yells of "OW!" from Greydude, (Milo getting a shock as they passed) until-
"Wow!"
"Do you say anything but wow?"
"Yes! I do!"
It was a motorbike, only it was massive, and there were about six exhaust pipes on either side of the back wheel, each one smaller and closer to the wheel than the last, so the top one was longest and most far away from the wheel etc. Areya got onto the front seat, her tiny being could have duplicated a good hundred times and every one of those being able to stand on it. Chains like the ones on her boots dangled from every surface, and blue flames were painted on either side. Greydude climbed on.
"Hold on tight!"
"Where?"
BANG!
Bright blue flames like the ones painted onto the bike shot out of each of the exhaust pipes. The bike flew up into the air like a cork, and they were off (occasionally doubling back to pick up Greydude), off towards the setting sun!

Chapter Seven
I HAVE BEEN FOUND! Haven't I...?

Greydude & Areya flew over to England (which took a surprisingly short time considering they were in Australia) and they landed in Plymouth. Areya gave him a very ominous warning.
"This will not be the world you remember. Beware."
"OK..."
So Greydude set off down the street. He had barely been walking for ten minutes when he saw a sight that made his heart stop.
A group of people were crowded around something that Greydude could see from across the street, even though they were in a park. A body was lying there. Milo's body. Greydude dropped.
He got up and ran over. He saw Bob standing there.
"What happened? How did he die?"
"You don't need to ask that!" Bobdude muttered. "Do you? You got your defence ready for the trial on tuesday?"
"What?"
Suddenly he noticed Anna standing opposite Bob. She was crying. She was also looking at Greydude with mortal hate. She walked over.
"I HATE YOU!" she screamed. "I HATE YOU SO MUCH! WHY DID YOU GO KILLING MILO!? I SUPPOSE YOU KILLED HIM WHEN YOU WENT OUT TO GET MORE FIREWHISKY, DIDN'T YOU!? ALL BECAUSE OF A STUPID EASTER EGG! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! THERE'S NO PUNISHMENT BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU!"
She hit Greydude hard around the face. And I mean hard. Blood started forming in beads where she had hit him. She then kicked him in the shins. She stormed over to the gravel path, and picked up a very small, jagged stone. Greydude suddenly wished that she wasn't so accurate. She threw the stone hard at him, and it hit the shin that wasn't bleeding, and he fell over.
Greydude looked pleadingly up at Bobdude. Bobdude looked down on him with nothing short of loathing. He then put his arm around Anna's shoulders and walked off.

"Areya, WHAT is going on?"
"To be honest with you, I have no idea."
"Well, apparently I murdered Milo, and I have a trial on Tuesday!"
"So what?"
"SO I DIDN'T KILL HIM! THAT'S WHAT!"
"Keep your hair on that oversized head of yours."
"YOU SHUT UP!"
Areya was sitting on the corner of the table filing her nails while Greydude was running at her. Well, at least, he was trying to. He was about a metre away running into a shield charm that she had set up.
"Well," she said. "You met me and as you were the last person to see him before he was a raveagle-"
"A WHAT?"
"A raven mutant. But anyway, as you were the last person to see him before he was a raveagle, you murdered him in this new past you have, because you weren't sent a big easter egg, and that was because of the row."
"So let me get this straight." said Greydude, shaking his head. "Because I know you, my past has been warped?"
"In those words, yes."
"I hate you. And I wondered why you were going extinct."
"HEY!"

Greydude was running by the white cliffs of Dover. He was running the border of every country in a hope of forgetting Areya. He paused there. Milo was swimming in the water.

Chapter Eight
Wubbins madness..

Draco Malfoy was very shaken. The death of Severus Snape had shaken him so severely, and now, even 23 years after his death, he had never fully recovered. He had now taken to making random concoctions, to try and make him forget about him. He had taken Snape's own cauldron, and it did not help that Wubbins was now his mascot. Draco had also been using Snape's own ingredients.

He was just adding the last few ingredients. He wondered what would happen when he placed the final ingredient (salamander blood mixed with powdered blast-ended skrewt end) when he added it. The potion simmered for a few seconds, when suddenly, it shot upwards and landed all over Wubbins, who was on top of a filing cabinet. Wubbins fell off. Then, Wubbins was growing. He was getting larger and larger, until...
"It's- it's- ALIVE!"

Chapter Nine
Death by Wubbins...

"Well, hello, Wubbins! I am your creator, Draco Malfoy, and probably the best thing ever to grace this earth!"
He spoke to some 50 foot high Wubbins, that was now trying on filing cabinets to see if they worked as shoes. There was a slight flaw in this plan. A fifty foot high teddy would need shoes that were at least adult size 100. A filing cabinet is about one fifth of that size. Anyway, when Draco spoke the last part of his sentence, Wubbins drew himself up to his full height.
"YOU ARE NOT!" Wubbins roared. (This is a scary experience. I mean you wouldn't like it if your teddy grew to about a hundred times its original size and then started roaring at you in its loudest voice, would you? Do bear in mind that Wubbins' voice was at least the volume of Draco's voice magnified some fifty times.)
"Oh no - of course I'm not, that's Snape isn't it?"
"No it isn't, you complete dunderhead! That was your cue to say, 'no, that's you, Wubbins!' Honestly, you really are slow on the uptake aren't you?"
"OK. I'll go sit in a corner and look sad and sorry for myself."
Draco started to the corner, but he never actually made it, because at that point, Wubbins had just seized him around the ribs.
"An evil genius like me have some poor, pathetic human like you snivelling in the corner as I work on nuclear bombs to blow up those idiots in politics? I don't think so!"
And Wubbins took a bite out of his head.

Greydude woke up. He had had a very bizarre dream. There had been a seriously oversensetive 'fhaery' and Milo had been killed by him. He also remembered a curse that the fhaery had, and that he had run the border of the country to make it wear off.
"So you're awake."
Greydude's eyes snapped open. Milo was standing at the end of his bed. Only, like in the dream, when he had passed the white cliffs of Dover, he was translucent.
"What are you doing here?"
"Your trial is in two days."
"So that's why you're here...?"
"No."
"Then why are you here?"
"To fulfil my part to be played in your curse."
"Huh?"
"To haunt you until you die."
"Oh god."
"Shut up."
"Look, what is happening?"
"You're in a parallel world. Your equivalent from here has been destroyed. You are trapped here."
"You cow."
"Actually, Areya is the cow."
"Fine. Feche la vache!"
"OK."
He left the room for a minute. He came back in holding Areya by one of her spikes.
"Get off me, you pathetic imprint of a human! Get OFF!"
"OK, you asked for it."
Milo lobbed her at the window.
"You know I hate you more than ever."
"Yep."
"God."
"Areya," Greydude said. "I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Fine! What?"
"The Milo-imprint told me I was in a parallel universe."
"You got a problem with that?"
"Yes! I do!"
"What is that problem?"
"How do I get back? I liked that world."
"Err..."
"You mean to tell me you got me stuck here until I die?"
"Err... yeah... I'm on a mission for suicide, aren't I?"
"Yep."
"OK, right, well, I think you get back by either forgetting me, or doing a supreme act of good."
"OK, I'll go with forgetting you."
This didn't work.

Chapter Ten
I'm in deep doodoo, aren't I...

Bob was worried. His search party had been out for three days. Three whole days. And there was still no trace of Greydude. The police had hauled him in for questioning, asking everything from Greydude's family history to the measurements of Bob's toenails. The stupid thing was that nobody had checked his place of residence, something which didn't occur to Bob until three months later. Bob wondered how any of these people had made it into Hogwarts. But then, he wondered how he had made it into Hogwarts, too.

The weird thing was that Milo turned up. He was found trying to force entry to a beauty salon, even though the flashing sign said it was closed. The fact that he had not been seen for three years had slipped the policeman's mind, however, as he arrested him, resolutely believing that Milo was determined to steal a pair of scissors. As the other policemen had no proof that he was trying to do this, they grudgingly let him go. (They had swallowed the arrester's beliefs with no doubts.) What Milo was actually trying to do was to find out why there was a picture of Bob in the store. He supposed Bob had now become a supermodel.

Greydude now had no clue what to do. He had tried (and failed dismally) to forget Areya, and the annoying thing was that there seemed to be nothing to do to commit an act of supreme good. That was until the Monday night before his trial.

Wubbins was now rampaging through London. Greydude had apparated there, and was running up to Upper Street, when a loud roaring wrenched the air. Wubbins, now around 75 feet tall, was walking down the street. Harry Potter was trying to take on Wubbins single-handedly, and was losing miraculously. Wubbins picked him up and bit his head off. He grew a little bit. Wubbins ate the rest of Harry. He grew another foot. Now he was 76.549271 feet (roughly 76 feet) tall. He then proceeded to pick up Ron Weasley. Greydude, who had seen enough, whipped out his wand, and ran forwards. He seized Wubbins' leg, and as Ron was about to have his head bitten off, Greydude yelled something.
"Winguardium Leviosa!"
As Ron soared out of Wubbins' paw, Greydude experienced a rushing sensation. He suddenly came to his senses. Anna and Bob came running towards him. The three of them yelled:
"Avada Kedavra!"
As the giant creature teeterred, it suddenly fell over, crushing a Sainsbury's Local. Several frightened customers came running out.
Then an owl soared overhead, it dropped a very official looking letter on Greydude's head.

Chapter Eleven
The letter...

Greydude ripped open the letter. He'd expected to receive thanks for getting rid of Wubbins. He was disappointed. Instead of that, he received the following.

13th September

Dear Mr Greyback,
We have received intelligence that you just performed the killing curse on a giant teddy bear in the presence of several muggles. We have also received intelligence that your actions crushed a neighbouring Sainsbury's Local, killing several staff there, as well as this. You came to save Ronald Weasley's life, but you did not save Harry Potter's life. Why did this happen? You are summoned to a trial on Tuesday the fourteenth of September.

Hoping you are well,
Harvey-Norman Scrimgeour
Department of Muggle Secrecy
Ministry of Magic

Greydude read this letter several times. What had just happened? He had just stopped a giant teddy rampaging through the city wreaking havoc like Godzilla, and he was now summoned to a trial. Had the Ministry really finally lost its marbles?
"What does that say?"
"I have to go to a trial."
He promptly folded it up. He didn't want Bob or Anna to know he had let Harry Potter die.
"What?"
"Don't ask me! I don't know why!"
"I hope you get off!"
"Yeah! So do I! I couldn't stand putting shield charms between you when you were at school!"
"Huh?"
"Milo's in Azkaban. He used magic on a muggle by accident." Bob explained.
"SO HE'S ALIVE!?"
"Err... wasn't he always...?"
"Oh! Err- umm- err- er- yes." Greydude spoke the last word sheepishly.

Chapter Twelve
The trial...

The next morning, Bob offered to drive Greydude to the Ministry of Magic. Greydude told him as kindly as possible that he had had too much experience the previous year of Bob's driving skills to want a replay. The previous year, Bob had successfully crashed the ferrari that Milo and Greydude had given him when he was sixteen into three-hundred and forty-one lamposts successively (Greydude counted the bumps on his head) when taking it for a test run down to the shops. In the end, he ended up taking the Knight Bus. He regretted this choice as well. He had several bumps on his head after that.

When Greydude finally arrived at the Ministry, two exceptionally large trolls seized him and dragged him inside the hearing room. Nerves overtook him. The judge stood up.
"Greydude Fenir Greyback, you have been brought here for a trial for conspiracy against Harry James Potter. If you can prove your innocence, the council may be prepared to order your freedom. If not, you will be taken to Azkaban. Do you accept these terms?"
"Do I have a choice?" Greydude asked tentatively.
"No."
"OK then. I do accept the terms."
"Can you prove your wherabouts at 6:44 yesterday night?"
"In a parrallel world watching a giant teddy called Wubbins rampage through the city."
"Did it kill Harry Potter?"
"The parrallel world's Harry Potter, yes."
"Can you prove you were in the parrallel world?"
"My witness is one seriously oversensitive fhaery who is in the parrallel world."
"So you can't bring it here?"
"No."
"So you killed him."
"Huh?"
"And you killed several muggles."
Greydude looked up into the face of Percy Weasley.
"As Minister for Magic, I hereby sentence you to 12 months in Azkaban!"
"What?"
Two giant trolls came marching towards him
"I didn't mean to! Bob! Milo! Anna!"
The trolls picked him up.
"AAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Chapter Thirteen
Azkaban...

The massive trolls brought Greydude into Azkaban, and Greydude blinked. Had they taken him to the right place? Why was everything draped in flowers, pink silk, silver fluffy feather boas, and why were there thousands of kittens wandering around?
"Err- err- er- is this Azkaban?"
"Yes." grunted the troll.
Greydude suddenly noticed that all the other trolls were wearing pink tutus and large ballerina slippers.
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
A loud scream rent the air.
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! NOT THE PINK! AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"
"Is she OK?" Greydude asked tentatively.
"That is Bellatrix."
Greydude looked round. Milo was sitting there.
"IS IT AZKABAN'S TORTURE BELLATRIX DAY!?"
"Yep." Milo gestured at a pink flowery banner, which had pictures of kittens. It said:



"It was my idea to use pink." Milo said. "She has pink robes, her hair has been dyed pink and she has a particularly affectionate kitten in her cell. She also has a pink and silver feather boa, and her cell has been decorated with pink fluffy hearts."
"Good idea."
Greydude looked back at the banner.
"Wait. What does it mean by 'long term prisoners'?"
"Prisoners who have stayed here a long time."
"How long do you have to stay in order to be a long term prisoner?"
"Six months."
"But my sentence was for twelve months! I don't want to be tortured!"
"Then you'll have to get out."
"How do I get out?"
"You run around Azkaban three times naked with your hair gelled into random spikes screaming 'I love the world!' at the top of your voice." said Milo in a bland voice.
"OOH! I'll be right back!"
Milo waited for twenty minutes... before...
"I LOVE THE WORLD! I LOVE THE WORLD! I LOVE THE WORLD!"
Greydude came running along the corridor, naked, his blonde hair done into long, greasy spikes.
"I LOVE THE WORLD! I LOVE THE WORLD! I LOVE THE-"
"You do realise I was joking?"
"LOVE THE- what?"
"I was joking."
Greydude's spikes drooped.
"You do realise I hate you."
"Yep."
Greydude turned on his heel and walked out of the room.

Chapter Fourteen
An A to Z guide to escape...

Dear diary,
I don't think I can survive here. A random person came running past me today, on my day of being 'tortured', frightening all those poor, fluffy, adorable kittens to death. I love kittens. The fluffier, the better. I just don't like pink. I mean, it's all right. I just acted today mainly. It's just not my favourite colour! Oh god I hope my master doesn't find this. OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LET HIM FIND THIS!!!
Bella (the best person in the universe)

Bellatrix finished writing her diary entry when an idea drifted towards her. She liked it here with the trolls. She liked the torture days. Nobody had any new ideas other than to use pink, which she liked. Why give up her life of luxury? She could help others escape. Then it would be all her own.



An A to Z guide to escape
Plan A
Run at walls.

Plan B
Run at ceiling

Plan C
Find sub-machine gun. Shoot down guards.

Plan D
Plant impossible hedge maze. Escape while guards are in there.

Plan E
Set fire to Azkaban. Escape while in the fray.

Plan F
Invite guard into cell. Give him chlorophill.

Plan G
Go mental. Get taken to mental home.

Plan H
Sing random catchy advert song. Walk out with guards singing it.

Plan I
Bring guard into cell. Give him tea/coffee/hot chocolate/<any other drink that requires milk>. Forget milk. Under pretext of that, run out.

Plan J
Become kind and sweet. Walk out.

Plan K
Find veela. Walk out with her.

Plan L
Imperius guards. Go out.

Plan M
Become incredibly attractive to guards. Walk out.

Plan N
Plant grotesque images in guards minds. Tell them that the images will stop if they let you go.

Plan O
Bribe guards.

Plan P
Blackmail guards. I do not care how.

Plan Q
Yell that you love Azkaban. Yell that it is a privelidge.

Plan R
Take guard hostage. Ransom is getting out.

Plan S
Make pretty things that guards will like. Make trail leading far away from Azkaban.

Plan T
Grow wings. Fly out.

Plan U
Become animagus of small animal. Transform into it. Slip out.

Plan V
Get bitten by werewolf. Transform. Kill on way out.

Plan W
Become terrorist. Threaten to blow up city unless they let you out.

Plan X
Blow up Azkaban.

Plan Y
Magnetize guards to cells. Run out.

Plan Z
Pretend that they made a faulty decision and you got landed here without a trial. Moan to media. Have Azkaban shut down.

Bellatrix finished writing up the plans. She would leave them in his cell. Now, would any of this plan work...

Chapter Fifteen
To try or not to try... That is the question...

Greydude walked into the cell. Would he now die? Would he waste away in Azkaban? However, his fear of torture was battling with his recently repaired friendship with Milo. Had he fully forgiven him?
"I think not!"
Several people stared at him.
"Have you all just had the same hallucination?"
"Oh, err.. right. Right." and everyone went back to their own business.
"Good, I've got enou-"
Greydude had just seen a piece of parchment.
"Well hello..."
He picked them up, and read the title aloud.
"An A to Z guide to escape... Who wrote these? Ah yes. Fate has given me these plans in my hour of need... GOD I LOVE YOU!"

"OK, so now, what does it say...?"
Greydude was standing directly beside the incredibly reinforced doors clutching the plans. He looked down at plan A.
Run at walls.
Greydude contemplated the wall. Then, without warning, ran at it, brandishing the plans.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAA- OW!"
Greydude had hit the wall with such force that he thought he must have broken a hole in it. He was surprised to see small, yellow birds sitting on large stars when he looked up.
"Owieee."
"What?" he heard several people ask.
"My head hurts. WAAAAAAAAAA!"
And Greydude burst into tears.

"Next plan...? Run at ceiling."
Greydude had no idea how to defy the laws of gravity, so he went to get Milo.
"Try winguardium leviosa on yourself."
"Oh I can't do it though! Oh I'm so useless!" wailed Greydude.
"Oh all right! I'll do it."
"YAY!"

Greydude and Milo went back to a spare bit of ceiling that didn't have kittens drawn on it (courtesy of Bellatrix) and Greydude stood there. Milo walked back a couple of yards.
"Now, I'm about to do it. Are you ready?"
Greydude stretched out his arms. Milo took that as a yes.
"OK. Winguardium Leviosa!"
Greydude felt his feet lift off the ground, and he was flying...
"OW!"
"Oh sorry! I'll bring you down."
"OW!"
"Too fast!"
"OW! OW! OW!"
And so it went on until there was no ceiling left on that floor, but then Greydude touched upon a problem.
"I think we're on the ground floor." he said, before falling onto his back unconsious.

Chapter Sixteen
And to fail dismally... for a while...

Greydude kept at it for several weeks. He had managed to get trapped in a mental home, got out singing the Clover song before being landed back in Azkaban, forgot to escape when getting milk, dressed up as a veela but stopped when a guard stopped him insisting that he went over to that guard's house before being landed in Azkaban, dressed up in a frilly, flowery cocktail dress and grown his hair to look pretty, but Milo said he looked grotesque, until finally he was on the last three plans. He made his own explosives, which he put in every nook and cranny he came across. Everything was ready. He pushed the button which was to ignite the explosives. Suddenly, thousands and thousands of bubbles were gushing out of every surface. It was NOT how Greydude had planned it would turn out.



"Why, why did you use blue hair dye, sherbert lemons and how did you get pink neon flamingo lights to turn into bubbles?"
"I- I don't know.."
Greydude and Milo were sitting in the long queue for the drying up process. Greydude now resembled a pink, blue and yellow abominable snowman. Milo had sat on his broken metre-thick steel door, while Greydude had become covered in these bubbles.
"Wasn't it great when it went 'pop'?"
"Not really. And that's another thing. Why on earth did you use hydrogen?"
"Hydrogen goes pop!"
"Fair point," said Milo shrugging.
The two friends sat in silence, when...
"What are you going to try next?"
"A plan where guards are held in place, with MAGNETS!"



Now Greydude was so near, he could feel it in his bones. This time would be the time to escape. He would wear a steel suit of armour, as steel was the strongest metal, just in case it didn't work. Now, to set up his plan...

"Finished setting up the magnets, steel suit of armour at the ready, now to try this."
Greydude flicked the switch, he could hear banging up above. The trolls were magnetised! Or so he thought... When he got upstairs, there were several of the prisoner's personal possessions magnetised to the wall, but the trolls were standing several feet from the magnets, looking perplexed. Well, thank goodness he had made the steel suit of armour. Greydude started to run, but felt himself being dragged away from the door. He had barely passed the first magnet when he was stuck to them.



"Idiot."
"What!?"
"Greydude, you're an idiot to have done that. You're so stupid!"
"Milo, it was a retorical question."
"STOP ARGUING! COME ON COME ON COME ON! GIVE ME 100 PUSH UPS!"
Milo and Greydude looked around. A troll dressed in camouflage clothes was standing there.
"NO SLACKING! I DON'T TAKE SLACKERS IN MY FITNESS CLASSES! NOW GIVE ME 100 PUSH UPS! AND WHEN YOU'VE DONE THAT, GIVE ME 367 STAR JUMPS! THEN 749.5 SIT UPS! COME ON! MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!"

After that surprising fitness class, Greydude began to work on his next plan. The final plan. The plan to end all plans. The Pretend that they made a faulty decision and you got landed here without a trial. Moan to media. Have Azkaban shut down plan. The plus side was that he would get out. The downside was, he had to be serious. He didn't like serious. Ah well. Best get started now...

"How many times do I have to tell you! I DID NOT HAVE A TRIAL!"
Wednesday. Greydude was screaming himself hoarse at Daily Prophet interviewers.
"LOOK! I DIDN'T HAVE A TRIAL! YOU SAVVY!?"
He looked into the faces of the frightened interviewers. They were all staring up at him. The moment of truth was coming...


MINISTRY OF MAGIC IN REFORM

After a shouting match following an interview with Daily Prophet reporters, Greydude Greyback has been released from Azkaban. There is now a law in place. All prisoners in Azkaban must have a trial reported by a Daily Prophet reporter within a month of imprisonment, and a Daily Prophet representative must review Azkaban every month to make sure that there is no evasion of this law, and they must note down the name of every prisoner in there. Percy Weasley, former Minister of Magic, has been arrested after a trial. Lily Potter set to take over. For full interview of Percy Weasley's trial, visit our headquarters in Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade, Glasgow, etc.

Greydude finished reading this passage, proudly free. He had spent most of that week running around, screaming for real this time, "I LOVE THE WORLD" running around the city. He had even managed to get hold of a very bewildered horse and scooped Anna off her feet playing the romantic hero, or at least until she slapped him around the face. And when Milo came out of Azkaban, the years of feuding were finally over. At least, it was between them...

Chapter Seventeen
The final battle...

On the WWN, one month after Milo's release from Azkaban, there were reports of a fight that had broken out in the centre of London. It was reported to be between two ghosts. The ghosts of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy.

"Those imbeciles!" Milo burst out. "How can they talk to me about attempted murder!?"
"You could of course say sorry to Greydude. They gave you the options of a hundred galleon fine, six months in Azkaban or the chance to apologise. You did kind of chuck him off a cliff." said Bob reasonably.
"All right, fine! I'm sorry I tried to kill you, Greydude."
"That's OK. Bob, I told you. Milo was a wierd raven mutant thingy, you know."
"I thought you were there at the trial, anyway!" shrieked Milo indignantly.
"Well I don't pay attention to every last scrap of detail!"



By this time, a large crowd, including Bob, Milo, Greydude and Anna, had gathered to watch these two ghosts battle it out with transparent wands shooting transparent spells. And, as Harry had so rightly pointed out in his sixth year, they were transparent.
BOOM!
"Why did you try to torture me in our sixth year!" screamed Harry.
BOOM!
"Why did you try to kill me in our sixth year!" screamed Draco.
BOOM!

Now, as Anna had failed to notice, her mother had become bankrupt as she lost all her money gambling. She was now sleeping on the streets in rags. She was sleeping on the other side of these two ghosts battling to where Anna and the others stood. Now, how could a little frail old lady that Anna's mum was sleep through such a racket?
"MUUUUUUUUUUUUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
Anna suddenly rushed out to go and give a nice proper funeral to her mum.
"No! ANNA!" screamed Greydude.
"No! GREYDUDE!" screamed Milo.
"No! MILO!" screamed Bob.
Each of them rushed out and grabbed each other's arms so that they looked like a big conga line.
Unfortunately, and that point, they were all caught in the crossfire.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
A great big explosion spread over London. When the smoke cleared, Bob, Milo, Greydude and Anna were all dead. At that point, Anna's mother woke up.
"What on earth happened!?" she screamed.
Harry and Draco stopped trying to kill their reincarnated bodies.
"They got caught in the... err... umm... MALFOY, HELP ME OUT HERE!"
"The word's crossfire, Potter." Draco replied.
"Yeah! What he said!"
"Nonthenthe!"
"Well, sorry, Mrs..."
"Call me Mrs O'fhlartey. I knew your History of Magic teacher! Professor Binns. Oh what a fine old man he was..."
While Mrs O'fhlartey drifted into a fantasy about Professor Binns, Harry decided on it.
"Malfoy..."
"The name's Draco, actually."
"Well, Draco, let's stop this fighting. Sorry I tried to kill you."
"And I'm sorry I tried to torture you. Let's kill him!"
"Sure- wait a minute! He's my friend!"
"You were friends with Longbottom!?"
"Yeah."
"Can we kill him anyway?"
"Fine."
So they went around with rocket launchers blowing up London. Then Voldemort came back. As a ghost!
"Well done, Harry Potter! I have converted you to the dark side!"
"Shut up, old man!" hissed Harry, and he turned around and fired a missile at Voldemort. He got blown up.
"Good shot!" Draco said.
"Thank you."
And they went off arm in arm towards the sunset, occasionally blowing up a passing citizen.