Prologue...

"A child will be born, thirty years from now!" Cassandra Trelawney cried. "From a woman who is so ugly, and a man who is so cruel!"
"Who?"
"A boy, who's life will be so bad, with children bullying him, his parents fighting, his father treating him so badly-"
"Who is he?"
"His love-life will be so tragic, he will never be loved, not by anyone. He will try to kill himself in order to put himself out of his misery, always clutching a teddy by the name of Wubbins-"
"TELL ME, WHO IS HE!?"
"His name is..."
"What?"
"Severus Snape."

Chapter One
Father hate

"Ah, my lovely Sevvie-Poo!" Eileen Snape cooed. "Has my lovely Sevvie-poo found a friend?"
Severus sighed.
"Yes." he said in a very huffy voice.
"Is he a nice friend?"
"He is a girl!"
"Oh sorry! Is she a nice friend?"
"Yes."
"You must look all pretty for her! She's coming over tomorrow!"
"So that's why you're washing my hair with elbow grease."
"It's not elbow grease! It's lavender potassium oleate!"
"Yeah, elbow grease."
"Let the boy fight his own battles!" said John Snape. "He's old enough to! You spoil him too much! I's our anniversary!"
"Oh yes! It is! Sorry Sevvie, but we really need to go!"
She swooped down and gave him a kiss before rushing off with John. Severus looked at where they had just left. His father had hated him ever since he was born. He started to cry.

Chapter Two
Divorce

The door opened and slammed shut. For a moment, there was no sound. Then there was a sniff. Severus heard this. He came running downstairs and into the living room. His mother was standing there, she was looking at the silver cabinet just opposite the doorway. It was then that Severus saw the tear-drops on the moth-eaten grey rug. He ran across the scratched untreated wooden floor to the brown moth-eaten sofa. He sat down.
"Hello, Sev."
"Hi mum."
"I hate your father."
"Why?"
"He's a lying imbecile."
Eileen sniffed.
"We're divorcing tomorrow."
"Divorcing?"
"We're breaking up our marriage."
"Why?"
"I can't stand him!"
She stood up.
"I'm off out."
"Why?"
"It doesn't matter."
Severus was five years old. He already had parents who were divorcing. He started to cry again.

Chapter Three
Six years old and dumped

Severus had his name shortened by his new father, Tobias. His new father was also a muggle, and his name was Tobias Snape. Tobias was a drunk. His new name was Sev. Sev also had a girlfriend.
Three months after the marriage of Eileen and John's brother (i.e: Tobias), Sev decided he would ask his girlfriend out. He also bought a plastic ring.
"My dear Andromeda, will you go out with me?"
"Excuse me?"
Sev got off his knee.
"I wondered if you wanted to go out with me."
"Err... I have a really nice doctor who lives near me, who will be happy to talk to you."
"But will you go out with me?"
"Only if you go and see him."
"OK!"
"Then yes."
Sev walked away. When he was sure Andromeda was not looking, he jumped in joy. This was short-lived.

"So, what would you like for dinner?"
"Roast peacock stuffed with giraffe on top of palm leaves on a silver platter."
"OK... realisticly."
"That is what I'd like."
"Oh- err- um- OK..."
"And to drink I would like siberian tiger's blood boiled slowly with essence of myrtlap mixed with pomegranete juice."
"OK then... WAITER!"
"Yes?"
"We're ready to order!"
The waiter walked over.
"What would the young madam like?"
"Roast peacock stuffed with giraffe on top of palm leaves on a silver platter."
"And to drink?"
"Siberian tiger's blood boiled slowly with essence of myrtlap mixed with pomegranete juice - in a crystal chalis."
"And for the sir?"
"Steak and chips."
"And to drink?"
"A coke."
"Daccord."
The waiter went off with the orders. Andromeda put her hand on the table, looking out of the window. Sev did not hesitate. He seized her hand. Andromeda absent-mindedly slapped it.
"OW!"
"What?"
"YOU JUST SLAPPED MY HAND!"
He held up his hand, where the back of it was very red.
"Sorry." she said blankly, and went back to staring out of the window.
When their food arrived, they began eating it in silence. Suddenly, Andromeda spoke.
"Uh-oh."
"What?"
Andromeda was looking at the window. Two figures were walking towards the door, and they came in. They were teenagers. One had long, sleek, wavy black hair that fell down her back. The other, short, brown hair and a stubble. Snape recognised them both.
Bellatrix Black and Rodulphus Lestrange.
Bellatrix was laughing, but stopped the second they saw Andromeda and Severus.
"What are you doing here?" asked Sev suddenly.
"We're on a date." Bellatrix replied. She turned to her sister. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!? AND WITH HIM!? I MEAN, HE'S A- HE'S A- A FREAK!"
"I- I didn't want to come with him! Honest!" wailed Andromeda. "He made me! I really didn't want to come!"
And she ran crying out of the restaurant. Sev felt tears falling out of his eyes.
"THANKS A LOT!"
Sev walked over to the waiter.
"Could you - sniff - send the - sniff - bill to John - sniff - Snape of 31 - sniff - Hampton Court, - sniff - please?"
"Why of course."
Sev followed Andromeda out of the restaurant.
"Andromeda! ANDROMEDA!"
Andromeda stopped running and turned around.
"Wait!"
Sev ran over to her.
"We don't have to quit just because your sister says so."
"Yes, we do. I'm sorry, Sev, but I can't risk it happening again. If she sees me dating you again, then my neck will be on the line."
Sev looked mortified. Andromeda put her hands on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I- I really am."
"One kiss...?"
Andromeda suddenly looked furious.
"Who do you think I am!?"
"Andromeda Black."
"Yes! I am! I don't just go around kissing wierdos when my sister's about to kill me! Forget anything I just said! I didn't want to come with you anyway! I was telling the truth to her! I HATE YOU!"
She stormed off. Sev looked at her retreating back.He started to cry. He was six years old, and dumped.

Chapter Four
Narcissa

"Stupid father, never cares about me, never takes me out, never takes her out, stupid thing, horrible mean person, never buys me Christmas or birthday presents, never buys her presents, why doesn't she just divorce him like she divorced my true dad..."
Sev was furious at his father for being so horrible. He had hit him hard around the face purely for not taking these tablets which tasted like vomit. They made him vomit too. He didn't even know the point of them. Eileen said they were a treat. Sev thought it was a punishment. A punishment for (though he never admitted it) wetting the bed. He was never going to get near to her. Not like this. Andromeda was right. He was just that wierd little oddball freak. Narcissa was always going to hang out with the rich, cool kids like Lucius and Avery and even those stupid thugs, Crabbe and Goyle. He supposed that Lucius was using them for bodyguards. Yet she was so beautiful... and he couldn't just forget about her... and he had to ask her out... he had to...

"Err... Narcissa..."
"Yes?"
"Err... I was wondering... err..."
"Well come on then, spit it out! I haven't got all day! I have..." she consulted her diary, "five people who are going to ask me out before lunch, then 37 people after that, and Lucius is going to propose to me at 6:30 this evening!"
"I WONDERED IF YOU WANTED TO GO OUT WITH ME, YOU HAPPY?"
"Sure, whatever."
"YAHOO!"
Narcissa blinked at him.
"Oh, err, sorry."
"Ok, cool. See you at ten!"
"Oh, but I'll be in bed by that time, Mummy makes me..."
"Ten or nothing."
"Ok, ten then."

The date went better than anyone could have wished for. Well, at least, until one in the morning, when a boy of about sixteen entered Narcissa's room. It was not until Narcissa emerged with Sev from under the covers that Sirius Black realised what he had walked in on. His eyes travelled over Narcissa and came to rest on Sev.
"YOU!"
"Yes, me!"
"You and Narcissa- Narcissa and you- NARCISSA, WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON!?"
"Me and Sev were dating. I do have a social life that isn't Lucius, you know!"
"Yeah... speaking of Lucius, he's here."
"OH MY GOD! You won't tell him, will you!?"
"Err... Here's the deal. I won't tell Lucius if you let me curse Snivellus into a blob of slime."
"Done!"
"CISSY!" screamed Sev indignantly.


By the time Sev got home, he looked like a green banana. There was a note on the table.



There was no - one to perform a counter curse. He was alone, looking like a rotten fruit. He started to cry.

Chapter Five
Several Years Later...

Sev had tried to commit suicide in a vain attemp to rid himself of his tragic life. He had suffered several emotional blows since and had so far tried to jump off a cliff, only this didn't work as a friend levitated him to safety, tried to blow himself up inside nuclear waste, and set fire to a building after locking himself inside. These last two plans didn't work as the helpful friend sent running water after him on these occasions, and Sev now felt like killing him. He had now. After many arguments and to much dissapointment to the friend, signed up as a Death Eater, and had met a hot girl called Ballatrix (Bella, for short). There was only one problem. She was married.

"Oh my god you're so pretty!" Sev had complemented her on many occasions.
"I know I am! That's why I'm Bella!" was the reply he always got back, and she always seized Rodolphus' cheek at this point while adding "Aren't I, my little wooby wooby woo?"
And Rodolphus always replied "Of course you are my little fluffy kitten!"
And Bella would always slap 'Roddy' round the face at that point.

However, one day Sev got lucky. Bella was crying. There was no ring on her finger, and Sev had heard a heated screamed argument, in which Rodolphus had sworn at her on many occasions and reduced Bella to tears.
"Hi Bells! What's up?" Sev asked in a casual voice.
"M- m- meeeee and R- r- r- rodooolph- phuuuus, R- r- roooddyyyy, we- we're D- D- DIVOOOOOORCED!!!"
"Oh. That's too bad." Sev said lightly.
"He- he- he divoooorced me be- be- because I hit- I- I hit- I- I HIIIIIIIT HIIIIIM!
"Err... yeah... Well, the...err...Dark Lord...err...wants you to...err...do a...err...mission...which he...err...only would entrust to...err....his...err...most...err...umm...(OH GOD I NEED IDEAS!)
"His most loyal?" Bella screamed, stopping crying immediately.
"Err...yeah..umm...servant...and he...err...picked you."
"YAAAAAAAAAAY!!" Bella screamed. Sev clapped his hands over his ears.
"Do you wanna go out with me some time!?" he yelled over Bella's screaming.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-Err, yeah, sure!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"OK! I'll pick you up at eight!"
"OK! THE DARK LORD! THE DARK LORD! THE DARK LORD!"

At eight o'clock, Sev found Bella. It turned out that there had been a mission that the Dark Lord wanted Bella to do and so he apparated to Kenya, which was where Bella was. So now that Bella had calmed down, she wanted to get a few things straight.
"Right, here's the deal. I am only doing this to spite Rodolphus and Cissy. I do not love you. I asked you on a date. You are only to do what I say. YOU ARE NOT INDEPENDENT! Is that clear?"
"Sort of..."
"Oh never mind. Just - just do as I say."
"Oh... um... ok."
So the waiter came over to them and and they ordered a bottle of vintage 1987 Chardonnay. Then, to entertain themselves, they plotted evil twisted revenges for Rodolphus. Bella didn't mind. Sev started re-enacting his defeat of the triple-bellied-monster-which-doesn't-actually-exist.
"...and so I did a right hook with my foot like this... and i stabbed- oh my lobster's arrived!" for he had just stabbed his lobster that had been slipped under his elbow a second before with the butter knife which he was holding as a prop.

All in all, as some evenings go, it was incredible. There was one more surprise waiting for Bella though.
"Bella, you are incredible, and special, and if anyone deserves a friend it's you. Never mind Rodolphus-" there was a large amount of name-calling "-Bella, I love you. Will you marry me?"
"Huh?"
"I asked you to marry me."
"Oh! You're so sweet. I love you too, so yes! Yes! I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Chapter Six
The Wedding...

Bella and Sev were preparing for the darkest wedding the earth has ever seen. Lord Voldemort was going to be the person who bonded them in unholy matrimony. The whole thing would take place at night when it was dark. Sev was slightly uneasy about this. Well, really really scared would be a more accurate term. He was scared of the dark. But Bella planned the wedding, and naturally, she went for the darkest options available. And, just to please Bella, Sev went along with it.


More coming soon...