So...

This fanfic is very weird and very random and if it scares you I am sorry but it scares me too at some points....because....well....its wierd and random. I'll give you the vague outline of its. It begins in a different world to Harry's but then they kind of get jumbled up by means you will read about below and everything gets all.....lovely and strange . Me likes strange....

Anyway I will list below the books included and any main characters that will participate in no particular order.

Harry Potter (book 7) - Basically the main characters in book seven plus Crookshanks, Mrs Norris and Prof McGonagall (cat form =3 ).
Inheritence (Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr) - Eragon, Saphira, Arya, Roran, Galby, Durza, Murtagh, Brom, Orik, Nasuada, Shruikan, Thorn, laughing dead, Maud, Solembum
His Dark Materials (The Northern Lights, The Subtle knife, The amber spyglass) - Lyra, Will, Pan
Abhorsen (Sabriel, Lirael, Abhorsen) - Lirael, Sam, dead hands, Mogget
Alex Rider (All of them....as far as I know...) Alex, Alan Blunt (Sabina)
Lord Of The Rings (All three, Fellowship, Twin towers, return of the King) - Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn,The Eye, Wormtongue, Golem
Twilight - Edward, Bella, Jacob, Seth
House of Night (Marked, Betrayed, Chosen [when they come out] Untamed, Hunted, Tempted) - Zoey, Stevie Rae, Neferet, Shaunee, Erin, Damien, Erik, Heath, Loren, Aphrodite, Nala


So....yeah. It might be a bit confusing if you haven't read some of the books, but they are all good books! If you feel a little too confused leave quiries on the feedback thread and I will explain the chosen character to you .

I would also like to thank my amazing Beta The Fifth Marauder who has expertly weedled the many mistakes out of my work and lent me some of her brilliant ideas and brought Saphira's confusing intelligent speech to life^_^ .

Right ....now for....
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. They belong to the brilliantly amazing minds of...JK Rowling, Christopher Paolini, Phillip Pullman, Garth Nix, Anthony Horowitz, J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephanie Meyer, P.C and Kristin Cast and even though I am incredibly jealouse of their oversized brains which are packed full of creative genious I will settle with writing this fanfic just to see what happens.

Okkk....please don't judge on the first chappie but....
First chapter hope you enjoy


Chapter one: The begining of the reign of Fire.....FIRE!

Arya: Me Fire Queen…Me like fire it shiny!
Brom: Eeeerrr……Arya-
Arya: FIRE QUEEN!
Brom: Um…sure…yeah…Fire Queen fire is bright, not shiny!
Arya:(Gives evil glare and makes Brom’s eyebrows burn off)
Brom: Ow! Yes, yes…fire is shiny…..
Arya:(Nods approvingly)

(Elsewhere)

Roran: And then I was like RRAARR and the deer was like GROWL and I was like okkkkk and the deer was like running and I was like chasing it and then I kind of like fell and my bow like flew out of my hand and like hit the deer and like stunned it.
Eragon: Wow! Where is it?
Roran: Its like still in the woods!
Eragon: Yay!! Dinner party in the woods! Hang on…wont it come to and wander off?
Roran: Dang! Didn’t think about that…
Eragon: Ahhh well we can just go steal some meat from Sloan!
Roran: Eragon! That’s like…wrong!
Eragon: Um….yeah, that’s what I meant.

(Enter Brom riding on horse at great speed,)

Brom: Run fools run!!
Roran: Like…why?
Brom: She’s gone mad! She can’t stop talking about….fire!!
Arya: (distance) Fire? Brom I can hear you still you know! You’ll go down to Teletubby hell for that!
Brom: Stupid elves’ super hearing….(grumbles)
Eragon: What should we do?
Brom: Get on! (helps Eragon and Roran onto back of horse) Ya! (gallops away)

(Garrow’s house)

Garrow: (singing) Here come the girls! Ooo! Yeah! Diddle diddle I don’t know the words but I don’t care cause no one can here me!
Arya: (outside door) Fire Queen sees all!...and hears all!
Garrow: Oh fiddle…
Arya: (bursts open door with fiery blast) Muahahahaha! I need a Fire King!
Garrow: I’ll be Fire King! I can sing!
Arya: Does fire have ears?
Garrow:…er
Arya: No! You are useless Fire King! Burn! (sets Garrow and house on fire)


(On hilltop to the west)

Eragon: Oh snap there goes the house again….
Roran: We should so like totally go and put it out!
Brom: but…what about Fir-
Eragon: - don’t say fire!
Arya: (from house) Did someone say fire? I’m coming for you!
Roran: Like…well done Eragon!
Brom: Shut up and hold on!
(Rides down hill towards house)

(At house)

Arya: Where are they? Tricksy fire speakers….
Raz’zac 1: Hello pretty fire lady
Arya: It Fire QUEEN and it has a capital ‘F’
Raz’zac 2: yessss that is what we was meaning!
Raz’zac 1: We have Fire King for you
Arya: really! Where is he? Is he fiery is he smoking is he hot and I mean literally! I can’t have a cold Fire King!!!!
Raz’zac 2: yesss he is that and many thingssss….
Arya: Whats his name? Does it have fire in it?
Raz’zac 1: Durzzzza
Arya: Oooooo lovely! (begins to dance around madly) I have a Fire King I Have a Fire King ladidididadaaada whoopdidoooo I have have Fire King!!!
Raz’zac 2: Letsss get out of here before the nut house arrive…..
Raz’zac 1: Agreeed

(Exit Raz’zac)

Arya: I HAVE A FIRE KING WHOOPDIDOOO! I LOVE FIRE KING, FIRE KING FIRE KING. I AM THE FIRE QUEEN AND HE IS THE FIRE KING!!!

(From field near the house watch Arya’s insanity)

Brom: you see that boys?
Eragon: *gulp*
Brom: You NEVER want to become that, that is insanity, that is madness. I mean the bad madness not the good madness, NEVER become that sort of madness!

(In burnt down room with Eragon and Saphira’s egg)

(egg hatches)
Eragon: Whooaaa. No way dude! Far out! (Dons sunglasses, which fall off immediately)
Saphira: Shut up puny human. Your tiny unimaginative mind is nothing compared to my vast aptitude and superior intellect!
Eragon: What is aptytood?
Saphira: Its brain power, you half-wit son-of-an-Urgal!
Eragon: Oooohhh, you baaad! (Waves finger)

(At Brom’s house)

Eragon: BROM BROM OPEN UP!!!
Brom: (opens door) What is it Eragon? Did Roran get his fork stuck up his nose again?
Eragon: No…A dragon just hatched and she said I was puny and that she had aptytood. She said aptytood was brain power!
Brom: What have I just finished telling you about bad sort of madness?!
Eragon: but…its true…
Brom: yeah right come back once you’ve had a nice strong coffee
Eragon: Coffee?
Brom: Just go you moron!

(Back at burnt down room)

Eragon: *sniff* Brom called me a moron
Saphira: A solitary word you understand then…and an accurate one at that!
Eragon: You big bully!
Saphira: You articulate that indecent language again and I will consume you with my jaw which unlatches in quadruple places with lateral flexion!

(Enter Roran)

Roran: Like wow! How totally awesome! A little baby dragon chick. How like totally adorable! Here little dragon coochey-coochey-cooo!
Saphira: What is wrong with you people! Are you a civilisation of complete nut cases?!
Eragon: …wha?
Saphira: Where is Eragon?
Eragon: er…here
Saphira: Oh God I’m getting bad at this choosing stuff…

(Enter Brom)

Brom: Listen there is only one…wow Eragon you were telling the truth!
Saphira: now that looks like a sensible person with an actual existent more-than-primeval intellect!
Brom:…thanks? Anyway you buffoons better stick with me! We’re getting out of here while we still can. Beep Queen and beep King will be here any moment
Eragon: what?
Roran: Does Beep like totally mean fir-
Brom: NOOO!!!!! Shut it you imbecile! (flaps hands madly)
Saphira: That’s more like it!
Brom: Come on it’s the only way!
(grabs Saphira and puts her on horse in front of him then helps up Eragon and Roran. Horse is now sagging with exhaustion)
Roran: Like, gee up! (flaps legs unsuccessfully)

(Brom’s library)

Brom: Now this book is called the book of requirement
Eragon: the book of wha-
Saphira: -shut it
Brom: requirement. (shows them the book. The title is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but that has been crossed out with chalk and underneath has been written Book of Requirement)
Eragon: What does that say?
Brom: the Book of Requirement
Roran: Wow! You can read!
Brom: Duh, now get in (opens book to show magical portal into inside of tent)
Eragon: (touches the portal and is sucked in) Wheeeeee!!!
Roran: (follows) Wheeeee!
Saphira: (follows) Goons….
Brom: (follows) Wheeeee!

(Inside tent)

Hermione: So yeah I was given this book by Dumbledore and I think we should use it. (Eragon and co zoom out of magical portal in book) Oh God what the hell?!!!
Harry: There are goons flying at us!!
Ron: Flee Hermione! While you still can!!! (flaps hands madly, wand backfires and sets eyebrows on fire)
Eragon: Whoa! Lets do that again! (eyes shine)
Roran: I like totally agree!
Brom: Shut up and get off Saphira’s tail!
Roran: (gets bitten by Saphira) like Ow!
Harry: Who on earth are you?
Eragon: We have come to escape Beep Queen and beep King!
Harry: eeerm?…elaborate?
Eragon: What does el-abo-rate mean?
Brom: We have come to escape the tyrannous wrath of those from our homeland. Er…where are we exactly?
Ron: Don’t ask us we don’t know. We apparate randomly every morning.
Roran: App-arrrh-eight?
Brom: It means they can travel from one place to another in less than a second.
Saphira: How do you know that?
Hermione: Is that a dragon?!
Brom: I read the books… I especially like the fourth one, but anyway…where do you think I got the right ancient language words to create a book of requirement from?
Saphira: Clever puny live form..…

Harry: Would someone explain what the hell is going on here before I jinx you all into a pile of writhing maggot spawn!
Ron: Writhing maggot spawn?
Harry: yeah I was feeling inventive. (Ron shudders at thought of slugs and maggots)
Hermione: its ok Harry I’ve read the books in the Tales of Beedle the Bard. These people are no enemies…are you-?
Brom: No…and neither are you…right?
Hermione: I don’t think so…
Harry: Well that’s fine and dandy then…
Ron: Everyone sit down and I’ll make some tea. (picks up tray of pink tea items)
Eragon: Erm…Saphira only eats meat and drinks hazardous amounts of alcohol…
Saphira: You can talk, imbecilec microbe!

(Later after exchanging life stories and having drunk their tea (or premium Russian vodka, as in the case of Saphira) they are all sitting around a table in the tent)

Eragon: So…I haven’t heard much about you, Hermione. Do you like young handsome me’s?
Ron: No she doesn’t! (Eyes shoot daggers)
Eragon: Well actually she might you didn’t let her finish!
Ron: Well she doesn’t ok! Back off pal.
Eragon: I will not back off until she has my fealty and I am her husband! (Eyes shine with inner light)
Hermione: what?
Ron/Harry: What?
Arya: (from Alagesia) what?
Eragon: marry me Hermione!
Ron: get out you lunatic, what the hell do you think your doing?
Eragon: Marrying that fine young witch who just so happens to be a human and not an elf!
Roran: good because its like high time you stopped pestering the Fire Queen. She don’t love you, like!
Brom: Roran you prat! *impending doom*
Arya: Fire? Come to me my glorious fire. Fiery goodness of heat and joy! Shiny, shiny! (Maniacal laughter)
Saphira: Now you’ve done it, you excruciatingly impetuous mortal!
Eragon: Hermione Granger I offer you my fealty!
Saphira: What is it with you and selling your core essence to this populace!
Eragon: and my hand in marriage!
Hermione: Umm….(looks at Ron anxiously then tries to looks at Harry anxiously but is seen by Ron who shoots daggers at her as Harry draws a finger across his neck shaking his head vigorously) well…I’ll have to think about it…
Ron/Harry: What!!!??? (Produces wands and sparks emerge)
Ron: you can’t be serious!!! (Hysterical)
Harry: No! I thought I was the only one for you! (Also hysterical)
Ron: *daggers*
Harry: only one for you…(feeble) to talk to! If he’s your husband then I wont get to talk to you anymore!
Hermione: Whoa whoa whoa! I’m just one girl and a girl has to think about these things!
Brom: Don’t bother he doesn’t have half your brains…he’s not worth your time
Eragon: Hey!
Brom: Oh! No, no I was talking about Ron! You don’t have a billionth of her brains…your like a pebble in a sea of diamonds to her!
Ron: hey!!! (Just cottons on to what’s going on)
Harry: *smug smile*
Roran: My one true love is Katrina and if any of you try to kill her I will slit your throats and feed your still warm heart to Saphira because she is probably very hungry, as Eragon still has not fed her! Like!!
Saphira: I second that!
Roran: Oh Katrina my love I would kill for you! I would leave my home, march across the empire with my village, steal/hire boats and join the Varden, then march up to the house of the Raz’zac and raid it for your hand in marriage!!
Hermione: Wow that was incredibly accurate!
Eragon: And it’s the first sentence he’s ever said without the word ‘like’ in it!
Harry: Listen, Katrina and that lot will cease to exist if Voldemort takes control he will abolish everything!
Ron: Harry you prat!!!!!

(Outside tent there is a lot of popping as deatheaters arrive)

Arya: (springs out of book) Muahahahaha! I have finally found you! (Insane laughter)
Voldemort: (From outside) come out come out Potter, come out come out and play! (Jingle of tiddlywinks in pocket)
Hermione: Ahhhhhh
Eragon: Eeeeek!
Saphira: What is this insanity?
Brom: Oh dear…
Harry/Ron: Hermione! Flee! We can use Eragon as a diversion!
Eragon: hey!!
Roran: Mmmmm, like, lemons……
Arya: Now burn! (Fire appears at hands)
(everyone runs out of tent, Hermione has the Book of requirement in hand. They all get out just before the tent goes up in smoke)
Voldemort: Well how about that you actually came out!
Deatheaters: *stupid goon laugh*
(everyone grabs Hermione and turn on the spot)
Voldemort: NOOOO!!! I must set fire to something now!!! Oh curses its already burning! (flaps hands)
Arya: Did someone say fire?
Voldemort: yes ……me…..wow you’re pretty
Arya: yes….I know
Voldemort: Fancy building an army of evil together?
Arya: can there be fire warriors?
Voldemort: Sure why not!
Arya: Great! Just let me summon my Fire King first…(draws a bag from pocket and tugs at a bit of fabric. Soon Durza’s arm and leg are hanging out as Arya tugs even harder on his sleeve he emerges fully from inside her make-up bag.)
Voldemort: Wow…he looks so much like me….just not like me!
Arya: yes I know….Fire King!
Durza: yes Miss fire Queen miss?
Arya: You are not Fire King anymore. You are….shoe polisher! He he he….
Durza: yes Miss Fire Queen, of course your ladyship, let me just go get my polish,
Arya: Not now you mindless oaf…you need to crown new Fire King
Voldemort: yes….Me!
Durza: Ah…yes….new Fire King
Voldemort: Well come on get on with it man!
Arya: Yes remove your crown of flame and give it to Fire King! NOW!
Durza: N-n-n NO! (runs away into bushes, setting them alight)
Voldemort: Shall I send my death eaters after him
Arya: What?
Voldemort: my deatheaters (gestures at deatheaters) they could catch him in next to no time.
Arya: No….now they are called FIRE MINIONS!...but yes they can go and catch him. Then we can feed him to our new pet hellhound!
Voldemort: Now wait one second…we should talk about things like new hellhounds…they are a lot of responsibility!
Arya: What are you talking about?
Voldemort: Oh nothing…just having a feeble stab at arguing…its what they say married couples do.
Arya: We’re not married! Your just Fire King
Voldemort: Ah…
Arya: Now repeat after me. Fire is shiny
Voldemort: Fire is….shiny? but I though it was bright
Arya: SHINY! (Tries to burn off eyebrows but there is nothing there to burn)
Voldemort: SHINY!
Arya: okkkkkk….fire is NOT bright and is lovely and warm and tasty
Voldemort: Okkk…fire is NOT bright and is lovely and warm and…tasty?
Arya: I now pronounce me Fire King because I am evil and I want to help Fire Queen rule in all fiery power of everything!
Voldemort: I now pronounce me Fire King because I am evil and I want to help Fire Queen rule in all fiery power of everything!
Arya: Good
Voldemort: Good
Arya: ok you can stop copying me now
Voldemort: ok you can stop co-
Arya: I SAID STOP (burns off eyelashes)
Voldemort: Awww you got me eyelashes! The last vestiges of my youthful locks of hair! (Sad Music)



okkkkkkk....
so thats the first chap....it gets better

please leave your lovely wonderful....juicey feedback here

ookkaayy.

well I know it has been a very very long time but in this next installment you are bound to see more of Harry cause I know it was a bit Eragon centered last time. oops. But there is more scarey scarfaced action in this installement so beware and ...... yeah.

Chapter 2: um.... The plot thickens... um.....like clotted cream!

In Luna’s bedroom explaining their predicament

Hermione: So now we have a deranged Fire Queen and the Dark Lord on our tale!
Luna: Oh dear your not having a good day are you?
Eragon: Do you know what will make my day better?
Hermione: If you ask me again I won’t marry you!!!
Eragon: wha…? But I’m perfect
Hermione: but…I will accept your fealty
Saphira: No you won’t! he has already used his fealty budget today by giving it to a few ladybirds he thought were getting wet on the underside of a leaf.
Eragon: no! but I didn’t mean it!
Saphira: That was three people Eragon!
Eragon: they weren’t people they were bugs!
Saphira: it still counts, puny one!
Brom: You need to stop wafting around fealties like they’re some sort of baton and learn to be responsible!
Roran: like I am like totally responsible. I can wash my own socks and like….everything!
Hermione: really…you own socks?
Harry: We’re kind of getting off topic….
Luna: the nargles told me you would say that
Eragon: nargles?
Hermione: Don’t - aaaahhhh!!!!!
(out of book still clasped in hand zooms Golem and Gandalf hair flying everywhere)
Golem: you will not takes it! You bad, bad wizard man! Tis my precious!
Gandalf: It is mine! MINE! It has finally made me crack! You have made me crack!
Harry: D-dumbledore?.....
Roran: Dumbledore? Aren’t you supposed to be like dead?
Gandalf: What? Dumbledore? Isn’t that a sort of bee?
Golem: Come precious we will save you. Nasty tricksy wizard want to put you into big fire mountain!
Arya: (from far away) Fire?....I’m coming for you!!!
Brom: not again….
Golem: Ahhh help this world had nargles!
Luna: you see nargles too!
Golem: Yesssss, the nargles come to us …they whispers things in our ears!
Luna: Yeah same!
Golem: The nargles come for my precious….
Luna: yes! They come for my precious too!
Harry: er…Luna? You feeling ok?
Gandalf: it is the ring! It is affecting her too! Give it too me!
Golem: NOO!!!!!!
Harry: O for Gods sake! Dumbledore what on earth is going on!??
Gandalf: STOP CALLING ME DUMBLEDORE
Golem: PRECIOUS!!
Luna: NARGLES!
Eragon: HERMIONE
Ron: ERAGON
Harry: RON
Roran: RORAN
Saphira: What?
Gandalf: ok listen…stop shouting…I am Gandalf G-A-N-D-A-L-F
Harry: I am Harry H-A-R-
Brom: yeah ok we get it!
Luna: (swipes ring from Golem) hahahaha! The ring is mine
Golem: Nooo!!! (Dances madly trying to reach said ring)
Luna: hang on…this is a Haribo ring…it’s a sweet
Harry: Harry bow!!!! Mine!
Gandalf: ….if that’s not the real ring then where is it?
Frodo: (jumps out of book) here it is and its mine mine MINE!
(Frodo runs off down the stairs)
Golem: Nooo! (Follows)
Gandalf: Nooo! (follows)
Roran: Like Noo! (Attempts to follow but is stopped by Eragon)
Eragon: What are you doing?
Roran: like I don’t know
Brom: Well anywaaaay………..we still have the little problem of-
Arya:(At window flying there with Voldy both are surrounded by fire. Behind them you can see the fire minions) Ha! We have found you again worthless maggot spawn
Ron: hey Harry she stole your idea!
Harry: yeah I should get that copyrighted
Hermione: RUN!

(all run out of Luna’s house to hillside where Frodo and Gandalf are having a wizards duel, Golem is no where to be seen)

Hermione: I didn’t know Frodo could use magic
Ron: looks like he can now
Harry: nah…he always could, he just suppressed it.
Brom: that isn’t how we have wizard duels! (Is confused for first time ever)
Harry: its how we have wizard duels…with wands and stuff (waves wand, causing Ron’s eyebrows to singe off completely) apart from they look like they’re using staffs…weird. Hey Dumbledore! I need your wand! Where is it?!
Gandalf: I am not Dumbledore! I have no wand! (Shoots death glares)
Roran: Like oh no!
Harry: Now we can’t use the elder wand
Hermione: harry that isn’t Dumbledore!
Harry: but…he looks exactly the same!
Hermione:…so?
Frodo: take that! And That! And ow!
Gandalf: Muahahaha! Now go and apologise to Sam for being such a selfish prat to him!
Frodo: I…can’t…he’s….dead (falls to floor)
Gandalf: How?
Frodo: Some goon called….Galbatorix killed him…..we’re doomed! He has a black dragon….
Eragon: I know him! He is my mortal enemy…well actually he is immortal but hey!
Voldemort: (flies around from back of Luna’s house) he is immortal!! How?! I demand you tell me if you don’t want me to burn all your friends to a crisp. TELL ME HOW DID HE BECOME IMMORTAL!!??
Eragon: burn away…just don’t touch my bride-to-be
Hermione: that’s it I’m not marrying you!
Eragon: fine, burn them all!
Brom: Eragon! Go to the naughty corner!
Eragon: I mean…back off heartless fiend you will never touch my friends (sarcasm overload, rolls eyes)
Ron: seriousely Hermione? Your not marrying him?
Harry: whoopdidooo! Now I have a chance!
Ron: *daggers*
Harry: a chance….at……helping you brush Crookshanks….hehe
Ron: Aaaha of course (nods)
Harry: Its true!
Voldemort: lord Voldemort always knows when your lying…he aaalways knows
Arya: Fire Queen says get him to say it in the Ancient Language!
Brom: great then this can be settled and we can get back to fleeing for our lives
Frodo: Wow….who is that beautiful maiden?...
Ron: her name is Hermione and she’s MINE
Hermione: Ahem?
Ron: um….no she’s not.
Frodo: She is too…precious to go to waste on someone like you….
Harry: that why she has me!
Frodo: or me!
Ron: no she has neither of you! Back off I was here first!
Eragon: I still want to marry her! Marry me Hermione this pebble can out shine all these diamonds!
Hermione: Errr….
Ron: you’ve loved me the longest
Harry: you’ve loved me the most
Eragon: I love you the most!
Frodo: look look I have a ring!
Hermione: ummm….
Brom: take cover!
Eragon: Hermione pick me!
Frodo: pick me!
Ron: quick pick me before we all die!
Harry: there is a reason they call me the Chosen One!
Hermione: SHUT UP! I AM GOING FAR AWAY! WITH FIRE KING AND QUEEN! LEAVE ME ALONE! (walks over to Arya and Voldemort and stands between them) take me away!!!!!
Voldemort: Fire Princess! Yaaay!
Arya: she has my nose!
Voldemort: she has my…..teeth!
Ron: No Hermione! Come back!
Saphira: Stupid human…
Hermione: Lets go (Arya helps Hermione onto Voldemort’s back and they fly away)
Harry: Hermione!
Eragon: Hermione!!
Ron: Hermione!
Frodo: Does this mean I can keep the ring?
Gandalf: I think you know the answer to that one
Frodo: Your right…Harry you are the rightful bearer of the ring…it is too much for me…
Harry: Me! Wha? I don’t want it!
Frodo: Fine then I guess I’ll just have to keep it…
(enter Luna from within house)
Luna: keep what?
Frodo: I have never seen such a beautiful maiden in all my life! She looks lke an elven queen! (Eye shine)
Ron: What about Hermione? Actually wait…never mind
Luna: Who me?
Frodo: Your delicate elegance sets my heart on beep with blazing wonder!
Luna: Ooohhh…sets your heart on beep…just what I was thinking!
Frodo: may I have your name fair maiden?
Luna: Um….Luna
Frodo: Oh what far off wonderment that name possesses! Is it elven?
Luna: (opens mouth to speak like goldfish)
Harry: ok Luna, Frodo likes you, you like Frodo, let that be the end of it.
Brom: Finally! Now lets get back to fleeing for our lives! (Flaps hands)
Gandalf: Why? the enemy has run off with your ‘friend’.
Roran: She can be, like, replaced.
Harry/Ron/Eragon: NO SHE CAN’T!!! (Eyes shoot daggers)
Roran: Like whatever! I think she can, like.
Brom: Listen if we want to live we’re going to have to-
Eragon: Oooooh look she dropped the book of Requirement! (Eye shine)
Saphira: lemme see! (Undignified scrabbling for book)
Brom: People! If we want to escape death then-
Galbatorix: (on black dragon) Muahahahahaha!!!! I march forth from my castle of doom at long last! I am the ruler of death!!!!! (Waves sword)
Brom:*sigh*….just what I was trying to avoid…..
Frodo: Be gone you evil maggot spawn!
Harry: My insult! (Shoots daggers)
Frodo: sorry…be gone from this world you murderer of my best friend!
Galbatorix: he was your friend?! I thought he was your slave! I was just coming to recruit you as my other slave Durza has abandoned me. You like slaves, I like slaves, everybody do the Macarena…
Ron: Good thing Hermione isn’t here…
Frodo: Die! Die for the death of my-
Galbatorix: Oooh! Look, Shruikan! A baby dragon! Ahh coogie coogie coo!
Saphira: *chomp*
Galbatorix: My finger! (Waves severed finger)
Frodo: (charges at Galby with sword raised, Galby flicked his wrist and immobilised Frodo with unspoken spell)
Gandalf: Frodo! (raises staff, Galby also paralyses him while sucking his finger)
Harry: Dumbledore! (raises wand but is also immobilised)
Brom: Potter! (you can guess, also immobilised)
Luna: Did you know that dragon saliva is meant to help your brain power?
Saphira: *nodding* Aptitude! (Both nod)
Galbatorix: Really, now that is a useful piece of trivia! (Looks hungrily at Shruikan’s jaws which are covered in saliva)
Ron: Um…while you have Harry immobile do you mind if I borrow a pen or something?
Roran: I like have some charcoal! You can has, like, charcoal!
Ron: Great (goes over to Harry and draws massive arrow pointing at his scar, then draws larger glasses around his current and huge bushy eyebrows and the words ‘I think I’m better than everyone else’ printed across his nose and cheeks) There!
Eragon: That’s mature!
Saphira: You can talk, scrawny life form!
Galbatorix: Say…now that I realise my mission was pointless I might as well go and find Durza. Do you know where he is?
Eragon: Yeah…just say….just say….just say brisingr in English and he’ll arrive with a few others.
Galbatorix: Great! (Claps hands like seal)
Roran: Like wait! Let our friends like go and us get out of the area before you do it, like!
Galbatorix: errr….ok (flicks finger and releases others who all manage to hide their amusement at Harry’s new and improved face).

(all apparate to far away place)

Brom: Well that was well done…
Luna: Look! It says in here about a boy called Alex! My uncle is called Alex!
Brom: You brought the book!
Luna: Well yeah…
Brom: You idiot! (Flaps hands)
Frodo: Don’t call Luna an idiot!
Harry: yeah we can use that book!
Brom: but what if more nutters arrive?!
Aragorn: Dum dum dumduuuum dum dum! (Waves sword like conducting baton)
Brom: Too late……
Luna: (looks at Frodo and sighs) Well hello there…
Aragorn: Frodo! Gandalf! I heard about Sam I’m so sorry….but I brought back up!
(Legolas and Gimli spring from the book followed by twins Pippin and Merry)
Harry: oh god look at them all!
Aragorn: come, we must defeat Galbatorix!
Legolas/Gimli: For victory!! (Waves axe and bow, narrowly avoiding Harry and Ron)
Brom: BE QUIET!!!! Ok now I am going to tell you what to do and by my lost sword you will do it!
Aragorn: Who is this maggot spawn to tell Gandalf the white what to do?
Harry: My insult! (Conjures daggers)
Gandalf: It is quite ok Aragorn. (Pats shoulder)
Eragon: Wow your name is like mine! I’m Eragon!
Aragorn: No way! My name is like yours!
Ron: *sigh*
Brom: Quiet! Now….Gandalf, you will go with Roran, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli to establish a defence force in the mountains near Hogwarts.
Gandalf: I don’t think I should leave Frodo alone with the ring…unless…..
Frodo: I know what I must do (turns and kneels before Luna) Luna…
Luna: Lovegood
Frodo: Luna Lovegood….will you marry me? (Proffers ring)
Luna: …………
Frodo: Luna?
Luna:…….no he didn’t he said Marry….are you sure….no he said Jam!
Frodo:…Luna?
Luna: Sorry the nargles got me. Sure I’ll marry you! (lets Frodo place ring on her finger and she disappears)
Frodo: Oh fiddle…Luna dear take off the ring before Sauron sees us!
Luna: oh sure! (reappears behind Harry with charcoal)
Frodo: here put it round your neck…and you can go Gandalf we’ll be fine
Gandalf: If your sure…come on then young Roran we must prepare the world for war
Roran: but I like don’t want to leave Eragon! (Pleading eyes)
Eragon: It was my fault Garrow died (Sad music)
Roran: No it wasn’t it was Beep Queen-
Eragon: it was me! go! (Sniffle)
Harry: are you sure? Lord Harry knows….he alwaaays knows (cackles)
Ron: (stamps on Harry’s foot)
Roran: fine I’ll like go. I like can’t stand being near you. All you’re good for now is like saving damsels in distress.
(Defensive group mount Aragorn, Legolas and Gandalf’s horses and ride away)
Pippin: What about us?
Merry: yeah we came through to meet the other half of our quadruplets. They’re called Fred and George and we were separated at birth.
Ron: Yeah they’re my brothers!
Pippin: So…we’re your brother too?
Ron: Oh god our house it going to split…Mum can’t cope much longer!
Harry: She’ll live…so what’re we doing now?
Brom: Well I suppose we have to drop these two off at the Burrow then we can start looking for more horcruxes if that is what you are doing….
Harry: Whoooohoo! Horcrux hunting!...but I want the hallows…I’m confused
Frodo: What is the right thing to do?
Harry: I don’t know…I was told to find the horcruxes but…the lure of the Hallows is too great….no…No! its pulling me in!....I can’t escape the tempting bait that the hallows have to offer! No….Nooo! (Makes spasticated hand movements)
Frodo: Its like the ring! The ring is affecting him! No wait…the hallows….they must be this world’s ring! Nooooo! Break free Harry break free!
Ron: *slap* that better?
Harry: yeah thanks…
Eragon: Wake up Saphira we’ve got to go!
Saphira: If I must…where’re we going I don’t like aparatingggg
(apparate to the Burrow)
Saphira: Does what I say mean nothing to you citizens of Planet Earth?!
Brom: Sorry…but we’re a little pressed for time as the Beep Lords could attack us at any moment…
Mrs Weasley: Roooon! Your aliiive! Never ever run off like that again!
Ron: shield me!
Pippin: hello mother
Mrs Weasley: Ahh! More children! Where did you two come from?
Merry: We are the other half of your quadruplets. We are Fred and George’s twins.
Mrs Weasley: oh well…just and extra pair of mouths to feed. You might as well come in.
Brom: thank you kindly we’ll be on our way now.
Mrs Weasley: Ron! What have I told you about going around with strange men!
Ron: Brom isn’t strange…just a bit paranoid….he’s establishing a defence group near Hogwarts…
Harry: yeah, with Dumbledore!
Eragon: Gandalf! (Surprises himself)
Harry: yeah that what I meant! (Waves hand casually)
Fred: (runs out of Burrow) George! Look it’s the twins! The ones we’ve been having telepathic conversations with since we were separated at birth!
George: Its about time I thought they would never arrive! (Rolls eyes)
Pippin/Merry: Fred George! (run forward and embrace)
Fred: yay! Now we can go and prank Bellatrix with company!
Pippin: How about we go and prank Saruman?
Merry: Would we dare?
Fred: Daring is our middle name!
Mrs Weasley: (tries to butt in) I thought it was Turvius…..
George: Yeah lets go!
Mrs Weasley: (Grabs their jumpers) Now you two stop! I don’t want you getting killed!
Fred: We wont! (jumps into book followed by George, Merry and Pippin)
Mrs Weasley: Noooo! (Mourning face)
Ron: Better go
Brom: Agreed
Saphira: oh no you dooooooon’t!
(apparate to middle of random field)
Saphira: I disgust apparating, couldn’t we just take to the air?
Frodo: Are you feeling ok Luna? If the ring is too much I can take it back
Luna: No you can’t and yes I am….
Ron: I know how you feel Luna, I had to have the stupid locket around my neck for ages and it drove me round the bend. It was whispering things to me made me think dark thoughts. (Eyes glow red for a second)
Frodo: The ring had a similar effect.
Luna: I’m fine!
Harry: Ok…well then I know of three places the Hallows might be!
Ron: Hallows?
Harry: I mean Horcruxes…you know I meant that….. (scheming)
Frodo: Do we?
Eragon: How can we be sure? Say it in the Ancient Language!
Harry: What?...I don’t know how!...this is ridiculous now be quiet or I’ll jinx you!
Brom: now then lets get organised where do you think we should-
Alex: (leaping out of book with machine gun in hand) Look out I’m coming through I finally have a gun and I’m not afraid to use it! (Points it at Harry)
Ron: Aaaarrrgggg
Harry: Eeeek! (Flaps hands)
Frodo: Lunaaaaaa
Brom: not again
Luna: uncle Alex!
Alex: Luna! Here you are! Where is Sabina? I want a divorce!
Luna: Aaaww why?
Alex: I need a girl who hates slavers!
Harry: *Anxious glance at Ron*
Alex: When I last saw Sabina she was whipping these weird things that looked like Golem out of Lord of the….whoaaa Frodo!
Frodo: how do you do? Please point that thing away from my fiancé!
Alex: you are engaged!
Frodo: yes she is and she is not getting divorce tips from you!
Eragon: What sort of sword is that?
Saphira: Eragon, shut up….
Eragon: Who made it…was it Horst?
Saphira: Eragon, shut UP…..
Eragon: can I hold it?
Saphira: Eragon, Nooo!
Alex: h-h-hold it?......you want t-to hold…..my precious….you cannot hold me precious….Nooooo! (Clutches gun to chest)
Frodo: Luna…this boy is your uncle
Luna: yeah my grandparents adopted him after his very early marriage with Sabina. Alex is a Rider through and through but they’ve had difficulty recently…something about Alex spending too much time trying to get killed…
Eragon: I am the only Rider here! (Is angry)
Alex: Excuse me? Are you defying my name? When I am holding this???
Brom: Ok…lets all just calm down….ok? Good now the hor-
Saphira: uh oh…..
Eragon: uh oh what?
Saphira: uh oh…..oh dear….
Harry: Should we take cover?
Alex: Eeek a dragon! Don’t worry I’ll kill it with my gun!
Luna: there is a reason you have not been allowed one you know
Saphira: I’m….having…a….a……a…..
Harry: A baby?
Ron: Dragons lay eggs you twit
Eragon: No they don’t they lay rocks….duh! 9Rolls eyes)
Harry: well…she’s going to be sick?
Frodo: I doubt it Eragon still hasn’t fed her anything
Saphira: a…..a….growth spurt!
Eragon: but I haven’t fed you anything!
Luna: She bit Galbatorix! That’s food!
Frodo: Run for it!
Alex: I can’t run with this thing! (Waves gun madly)
Luna: Drop the gun and run!
Alex: No!
Luna: Uncle Alex drop the gun and run!
Alex: No!!
Luna: Drop it!
Saphira: (grows suddenly by a ridiculous amount until she was unaccountably more times larger than she was and was about the size of an elephant) Well that was less painful than I thought it would be….
Alex: it’s ok Gunny I won’t let nasty niece make me drop you…not even for the explosion of the world! (Strokes gun handle and shines it with clothe from pocket)
Brom: -so in the end we will all end up dying anyway so if we start now and go to source A first then dare to continue to source 7H then we might be in with a chan….with a chance….why are you all staring at me? (everyone is staring at Brom who had obviously been talking all the way through the previous activities thinking he had a captive audience)
Harry: We haven’t been listening.
Brom: you…haven’t been…well now we know why Eragon always asked the questions! Because he doesn’t listen the first time he’s told!
Eragon: Hey!
Harry: Its true… (Rolls eyes)
Alex: that says a lot coming from you! You know what? That unknown girl who I have never met but want to who hates slavery is out there somewhere and I bet she would be disappointed if you told her you were better than her. In fact I doubt you are better than anyone.
Harry: Where did that come from?
Alex: its written all over your face
Harry: I didn’t think it was that obvious
Alex: I mean literally-
Ron:-Nooo he doesn’t that just a game muggles use to play tricks on you. Don’t listen to him Harry.
Frodo: I am just as selfish as you Harry! I want this attention!
Harry: Fine have it!
Alex: Oooooh don’t go pretending you don’t want it!
Brom: stop it this is stupid
Eragon: you said I’m stupid!
Saphira: you are, dire human being!!
Harry: not as stupid as Ron!
Ron: take that back or you will wake up with much worse than a scar on your face
Alex: Muahahaha! I will shoot you all (Waves gun)
Frodo: Not if I stab you first! (Waves dagger)
Alex: why would you stab me?!
Frodo: I don’t know I just want to join in the fight!
Luna: STOP IT!!!!!
(everyone stops screaming at each other and wafting swords and massive machine guns around their heads. The freeze.)
Luna: I am taking Frodo and we are going on holiday! I can’t stand the fighting…poor Hermione had to put up with it all the time…I might go join her….
Frodo: No Luna…do not cross over to the dark side!
Luna: Fine but we have to get away…quick before Saphira grows again and blots out the sun.
Saphira: Hey!
Luna: Goodbye! (Waves nargle)
(grabs Frodo and disparates.)
Harry: Another one bites the dust! (singing)…we’re driving away all the girls with our manly bickering.
Brom: bah! You sound more like a load of old couples crammed into a tight corner forced to argue your way out.
Saphira: I couldn’t agree more…although if dragon couples were forced into such a predicament they would probably commence tearing each other apart.
Brom: Don’t tempt them…
Alex: We can control ourselves!
Harry: What are you doing here anyway
Alex: Well I finally managed to get my hand on this gun but Blunt was after me and I had to leg it. I saw a book open with a magic window so I dived right in.
Eragon: Brom, exactly how many Requirement book thingys did you make?
Brom: We kind of had a counsel of all the worlds and created the books. From there they were duplicated and now I’ve lost track of how many there are….
Ron: Did you say something about a load of Golem things?
Alex: yeah Sabina has gone power mad. She was given this key to a country of these house elf things but they look weird and reminded me of Golem from Lord of the Rings….Now she has an army of them…..I can’t believe I’ve met Frodo and that my niece is marrying him.
Harry: yeah things move scarily fast when we are all faced with certain death.
Eragon: What are the house elf Golem thingys? (Clueless)
Ron: nah they’re just house elves. They’re born to do the bid of man…although Golem is scarily like them….
Saphira: Do you reckon I could go hunting now I am big enough to? That tiny nibble of that filthy finger didn’t get me very far
Eragon: I would hate to see you after a proper meal then…you’re massive…. (Gulp)
Saphira: Thank you…no this is what always happens with chicks….sudden bursts and stuff…
Brom: really?
Saphira: Don’t they? You’re the expert.
Brom: you’re the dragon
Harry: Ok well anyway….
Saphira: I just have random growth spurts
Brom: Weird
Eragon: how big will she grow?
Brom: She will-
Eragon: How much will she eat?
Brom: if you-
Eragon: when will she breathe fire?
Harry: NOOOOOoooo!!!! (Flaps hands)
Alex: What the hell! Don’t scream like that or I’ll shoot you!
Arya: (far away) fire?....I’m coming for you!
Ron: and now we wait for our slow slow death….probably burning alive…way to go Eragon (Rolls eyes)
Eragon: I didn’t do nothing!
Brom: you git Eragon! Run!
(all start to run helter-skelter but sudden force binds them all in place in a tight bunch)
Arya/Voldemort/Galbatorix: We are the Fire Lord’s bow down to us!
Harry/Eragon/Ron: Never! (Try to flap hands madly but fail miserably)
Alex: Leave us alone you foul maggot spawn!
Harry: my insult (Eyes blaze with beep)
Alex: what? …oh sorry.
Galbatorix: I am Fire Lord, second in command Fire King
Voldemort: I am Fire King…My heir Fire Prince…
Arya: I am Fire Queen ruler of all fire!!!! My heir Fire Princess....(Galby, Voldy and Arya stand aside to reveal billions of fire minions led by original Death eaters. In front of fire minions stand Hermione and Murtagh fiery crowns upon their heads, wands and swords drawn with fire shooting out the end and licking the blade)
Eragon: Murtagh!!
Murtagh: you abandoned me Eragon! It was obvious I was not dead now I must kill you!
Eragon: you…kill me? that’s a laugh! (Laughs deeply and inhumanely)
Murtagh: Oh is it?
Harry: I would take him serious mate…if Hermione is into him and he is not an international quidditch player then he is likely to be some sort of murderer or assassin.
Alex: really! Let me at him let me at him! (struggles against invisible bonds)
Hermione: You must join us because you cannot beat us!
Brom: Where did you come from, Murtagh?
Murtagh: A different Book of Requirement
(war cries sound behind as Aragorn and Gandalf charge out of trees towards fire minions, they are out numbered a billion to thirty)
Aragorn: (in Elven Language) I don’t care if we all die, what really matters is that we die honourably!
Legolas: (in Elven Language) if you say so! (Is unsure)
Eragon: hey they speak the Ancient Language! (in Ancient Language) Please let us be shield from harm!
Saphira: Eragon you misworded it again!!!
Eragon: Oh……darn
Saphira: undo it undo it undo it! Quick before the fighting begins because Aragorn and that lot are going to be slaughtered by the wizards who are the fire eaters!
Eragon: I don’t know how! (Tries to flap hands again)
Brom: (Mutters incredibly quickly under his breath and undos the spell but falls limply in the invisible bindings.)
Saphira: Well done Eragon you’ve killed your own father with your own stupidity
Eragon: Wha…? Brom? He’s not dead…..is he?
Ron: Aaahhhh I’m tied to a dead person! (Struggles like a fly in a spider web)
Eragon: NNnnoooOOO!
Saphira: Stupid boy…don’t say things you don’t understand then others wont have to sacrifice them selves for you!
Eragon: NNNnnnnooooooo!!!!!!!
Aragorn: CCHHAAARGE! (the puny thirty or so soldiers they had managed to gather charge towards massive force of billions of fire wielding wizards who obey the Fire Lords)
Legolas: To our doooooom!
Gandalf: To a gory demiiiiiise!
Gimli: To certain deeeeeeath!
Colin Creevey: I don’t knooooow why I’m even fiiiiighting! (Waves dagger he thinks is a sword)
Harry: Colin! Get Back!
Colin: WWwhhheeeeee!!!!!!!
Eragon: NNnnnnnnnoooooo!
Alex: AAAaahhhhh! My gun is slipping! Gunny! Gunny! Don’t leave me! NOooo! (Scrabbles for gun)
Hermione: Stop your pitiful whining and you may be spared!
Murtagh: Join us and your lives will be longer if just a bit less pleasant!
Hermione: Join us if you know what’s good for you!
Harry: Hermione don’t do this!
Alex: Look you haven’t even met me yet! You don’t want to kill me! I have a gun! A big one! And I’m getting devoooorced!
Arya: Surrender!
Aragorn: Never!!!!
Gandalf: Never!!!!
Saphira: only if the outcome is food!......and alcohol!!!!
Ron: Speak for yourself!!!!
Harry: I’m not prepared to die I’m better than all of you!
Ron: help!!!!! Now I’m tied to a dead person and a maniac!!!! Help!!
(two sides collide and Aragorn and co begin to die as death eaters/ fire minions begin to destroy them)
Lyra: (marching out of book that is lying open on floor leading a mass army of ghosts, Will is right behind her wielding a knife) Chaaaaarge!!!
Gandalf: back up! Yaaaay!
Aragorn: retreat and regroup!
Lyra: Will! Take the left wing and circle around! We can attack them with our ghostly power!
Saphira: ….I can’t eat ghosts (Is very sad)
Eragon: AAAaarrrrrrg! More dead people!
Ghost Brom: Helloooo Eragoooon Youuuuuu are my sooon!
Eragon: Whoa! Ghost Brom!
Ghost Brom: I muuust gooooo and fiight with Lyra and Wiiiiiiill!
Will: Lyra! Attack from the east!
Aragorn: No one can command my people! I say attack from the west!
Will: I’m attacking from the left!
Aragorn: Well then who is attacking from the east?
Lyra: Me!!!!
Aragorn: but….Lirael is attacking from the east…
Lyra: Lirael! My half sister! I haven’t seen her in years!!! Since…my uncle first set out for the North!
Lirael: Charge!!! Undead creatures of the deep realms of death!!!! (Lirael charges in from the east leading army of thousands of dead hands to attack fire minions. Dead hands and ghosts join with Aragorn’s force of thirty to make a billion strong army of the Undead/alive)
Aragorn: We are saved!
Galbatorix: I can’t kill them with death words! They have no arteries to pinch! (Blubbers)
Voldemort: Here let me sort them for you (flicks wand and all undead soldiers fall to the floor)
Voldemort: That is why I am Fire King and You are not!
Galbatorix: Yes Fire King. (Meek)
Voldemort: Good, you are learning! (Cackles)
Alex: I’m not one for learning…I haven’t been to school in nine months…my teachers think I am dead!
Ron: your still at school and your married!
Alex:…yeah….you got a problem with that?
Ron: dang…I could have had Hermione a long time ago.
Harry: Good thing you didn’t…
Murtagh: now we will crush you all!
Legolas: What should we do?
Aragorn: (looks at crushed undead bodies) You lot fight….I need to find some milk for tea! (Gestures with tea cup)
Gimli: Fight it is then!
Legolas: We’ll cover you…return with milk soon!
Aragorn: Er….yeah bye!
Gandalf: you’re not going anywhere ( *daggers*)
Aragorn: ….but-
Gandalf: -STAY!
Aragorn: fine….
Harry: Dumbledore! Help us! Help me! I’m better than them!!!! Make the bad people go away! They scare me! (Swoons)
Gandalf: I am NOT Dumbledore and I can NOT make them leave! Grow up!
Harry:….grow…..up…..
Ron: Help help I’m tied to a maniac and a dead person who I’ve just seen the undead form of and the ghost of- AAAHHHH!!!!!!!
Will: Quick get in! (opens window into other world with Subtle knife) Hurry!
(Lirael, Sameth and Lyra run through portal)
Gandalf: I will set you free but you must flee! We will stay here and secure a defence! (frees the bound captives with a sweep of his staff. Harry runs ahead of others determined to get to safety not caring about others, then Saphira, Eragon, dragging Brom, run through portal)
Harry: (turns to help through Brom) Ron quick!
Ron: I can’t Hermione is here!
Harry: She loves the murderer now! Come on!
Ron: oh I don’t know….
Alex: move you’re in my way! (Waves gun)
(portal suddenly closes before Alex or Ron could get through)
Harry: Nooooo!!!!! Roooonnn!
Will: Duck!
Harry: Wha…?
Saphira: It is……the eye…..
Sam: oh snap now we’re in for it.
Harry: methinks we should run! (Light bulb)
Saphira: Stuff you I’m off! (Flaps wings)
Eragon: here let me put Brom on you…where is he?....
Saphira: (looks away pretending to study eye)
Eragon:…Saphira?
Saphira: mmmm….?
Eragon: Where is Brom?
Saphira: …..I…..I…..
Lyra: yes?
Saphira: I….ok I ate him ok!
Lirael: You ate him!
Eragon: You ate my father!!!! NOOOO!!!!
Saphira: You had given me like nothing to eat!
Harry: Did you just say like?
Saphira: like no…..oh…..smell
Eragon:….but Roran is still in Harry’s world….
Saphira: But I’m like intelligent! I shouldn’t like be talking like this like!
Eragon: clear your mind… (Waves hands like a hypnotist)
Saphira: I like can’t its like…..too much!
Will: it is the Eye! It is frazzling her brain! Get her out of here!
Harry: but…..Ron…..
Will: he’ll be fine he can look after himself!
Harry: No he can’t!!!
Lirael: Run, Saphira needs cover!
Sameth: To the hills! (Points)
(everyone throws themselves against Saphira and push her behind an outcrop for rock and run with her into the mountains)
Harry: Where are we?
Lyra: I’m not sure it was Will who brought us here. He can use his knife to cut through the fabric of the universe and wander into different worlds.
Will: I think this is Mordor…there is the Eye… (Points with knife)
Sameth: Mordor?
Will: I read it in a book. (Shrugs)
Harry: So are you a muggle?
Will: A what?
Harry: you don’t have any magical abilities.
Will: well….I can wield the knife but I can’t use magic (Does fancy knife-wielding stuff)
Lyra: I can’t use magic….but I know a witch!
Lirael: Does charter count?
Harry: Sure!
Eragon: I can use magic!
Saphira: Come on Eragon!…you’re a Rider obviously you can use magic! (Rolls eyes)
Harry: Ahhhh We forgot Alex!
Will: Alex?
Harry: Alex Rider! Luna’s uncle! He is still in my world with Ron!
Will: We can’t go back there…too much dust was escaping I had to close it. That was some serious cut.
Pippin: (running down mountainside Fred George and Merry following him) Hi guys!
Harry: Fred George! Ron is trapped in our world with Voldemort and Dumbledore!
George: Ahhh no! Poor Ron he can’t look after a tank of frogspawn let alone himself
Harry: its ok Alex Rider is with him and he can take care of both of them
Sam: When we left Gandalf was retreating with his tiny army of thirty…hopefully they can help each other out
Fred: Dumbledore?
Pippin: Gandalf?
Sameth: We had just arrived with our army of dead hands to back you up when Beep King killed them all….if that makes sense…
Eragon: It makes sense enough (Is completely confused)
George: Hey where is that weird old man who was with you that mum was flipping out about?
Saphira: erm…
Eragon: Saphira ate him.
George: Did he taste any good? (Salivates)
Saphira: I could not identify its taste, it’s the lone item I have ever consumed other than a decaying stub of a finger!
Eragon: that is my father your talking about!
Harry: What are you four doing here?
Pippin: We are fleeing Isengard!
Harry: Why?
Merry: We’re going to prank it (Evil cackle)
Fred: And we don’t want to be anywhere near it (Evil cackle)
George: When it blows sky high (Evil cackle)
Pippin: because we might get just a little tortured if you know what I mean…(Nervous cackle)
Harry: Sky high?
Lirael: Do you have any idea how many dead I will have to keep track of if you kill a load of people?
Merry: Whoever said anything about killing?
Lyra: then what are you doing?
Fred: You’ll see
Saphira: Do we desire to?
Eragon: Yaaaaay explody party! I have nachos!
Harry: I can’t eat nachos…
Sam: Awww why?
Harry: I have a crisp allergy
Eragon: Does that mean that you die if you eat crisps?
Will: No he just can’t eat crisps
Harry: No….I die (Doom music – DUN DUN DUUUN)
Eragon: inteeeresting *evil smile*
Harry: What? If you try to poison me I’ll tell Hermione
Fred: I don’t reckon she cares anymore mate
George: nah she just wants to kill you all
Lirael: Can’t blame her
Harry: Will, we need to get back to Ron
Will: We can’t
Harry: LISTEN TO ME!!! I DON’T CARE IF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE SELF-IMPLODES! I HAVE TO GET BACK TO RON!
Saphira: Why?
Eragon: yeah why?
Harry: (mumbles something incoherent)
Sameth: What?
Harry: I don’t want him alone with Hermione when I’m stuck here
Eragon: I knew it!
Saphira: I knew it first!
Eragon: ooohhh….go drink your alcohol!
Saphira: you go drink your alcohol
Eragon: Ohhh great come back Saph
Saphira:*snarl* Eat my scales!
Harry: Um…what?
George: 3
Eragoon: I don’t know she comes up with the most random stuff sometimes
Saphira: I come out with haphazard material! Pardon? Disregarding you and your continuous fealty profanities?!
Merry: Pippin does that too! He is always swearing fealty to some lord of king and now he can’t take a single step without breaking some oath
Fred: 2
Eragon: Wha?
Pippin: That is why I have become a low life, and go around pranking people. I don’t care how many oaths I break anymore I just want to make trouble. (high fives Fred)
Harry: Wow….that man looks just like Snape…
Wormtongue: I have come to steal your souls
Pippin: that’s weird…
Merry: 1
(BIG BADDA BOOOOOOOM)(in distance huge plume of smoke shoots into sky and people start to scream)
Lirael: You said no one would die!
George: They’re not (Ingenius cackle)
Fred: No their just being gassed with laughing gas (Ingenius cackle)
Pippin: That bang was just a hologram/stereo system that we put in for dramatic effect (Ingenius cackle)
Merry: that screaming is of laughter (Ingenius cackle)
Saphira: You perceive! That is arbitrary!
Harry: Will! Quick while the Eye is distracted cut a window so we can all get back to my world!
Will: ok but if we all die we blame you! (Waves knife)
Harry: You can’t do that!
Sameth: Why not? Because you’re better than us?
Harry: ye….no! Why would you say that?
Lirael: Its written all over your face
Harry: What? That’s the second person who has said that to me
Saphira: Behold, thus it is.
Harry: Well I’m finding it hard to bottle up my emotions with all this horcux business…
Will: *rolls eyes*
Eragon: Ok…..now can we get back to Harry’s world where Hermione is and Roran is probably marching to his doom.
Saphira: So…not much diverse from here then….apart from Hermione has had the sagacity not to pursue you and…well Roran detests you now so he probably wouldn’t appear even if he discerned he could.
Sam: Is Hermione the beep Princess?
Lirael: So what if she is?
Sameth: Don’t you start doing that or I’ll start calling you Auntie Lirael!
Lirael: Point taken….
Lyra: Harry…
Harry: What?
Lyra: ….nothing
Harry: *shakes head* Will! Cut us back now before I kill you!
Eragon: You don’t have it in you…
Lyra: (fiddles with Alethiometer) ….yes he does…..and Harry
Harry: What?!
Lyra:…..nothing
Eragon: if you just said he had it in him to kill then stop annoying him!
Lyra:*blushes*
Harry: Will cut us back now!
Will: ok, ok….you only have to tell me once….but you have to be quick before the universe self implodes! (cuts window into random world and everyone runs through at top speed)
Harry: This is not my world!
Eragon: ORIK!!!!
Orik: What now? (Looks Round) ERAGON!!!!
(Run in slow motion towards each other across battlefield of Varden and Empire with ‘Chariots of Fire’ sound track. Slow motion running music sounds and mud and blood starts flying about as their feet flick up the muck, blood and mud fly about in slow motion too. Eragon spreads arms wide and closes eyes with dreamy smile on face then trips over Orik and fall in fast motion into the muck.)
Orik: Arg Eragon! You got your precious elven tunic all mucky! Precious elven tunic…..Precious….
Eragon: *eyes well up* It was my….my….my favouritist! I can never go back to the elves so it can’t be replaced….I think …..I’m going to….to…..cr….
Saphira: Look Hermione’s here!
Eragon: I mean I think I’m going to crawl over to the laundrettes and wash it
Orik: Eragon, ….blood is a stain it don’t come out!
Laughing soldiers: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hehehehehehe hahahahahaha Muhahahahahahah hehehehehe mehemhemhem hehehehehehehehe
Harry: What is that insane sound?
Orik: That is the Laughing soldiers they marched up to us a few moments ago. No matter how badly we stab them they don’t stop laughing!
Pippin: Ah yes…well that might be my fault
Merry: And mine
Fred: and mine
George: they told me to do it! (Flaps hands in fast motion)
Fred/Pippin/Merry: *daggers*
George: Fine….and mine….
Orik: Well what did you do that for! Now we can’t kill them! They just laugh at us!
Will: they must have wandered through an open window…..
Lyra: but I thought you’d dealt with that!
Will: I said I would deal with it. Would
Lyra: …….Harry
Harry: WHAT!!!!
Lyra:……noth-
Harry: oh shut up
Will: you leave her alone! She is better you!
Harry: No she-
Orik: Take cover! (volley of arrows stream towards them and plunge themselves into the mud nearby, Harry manages to deflect them)
Sameth: Few!
Lirael: Nearly had us there!
Orik: you have to reverse the laughing gas!
Fred: Well I have the antidote as it was our gas anyway
George: Only problem is…..
Pippin: Don’t tell me….its in your world
George: Well…yeah
Merry: woopie!!!! now we have to be killed by hyperactive nutcases high on laughing gas
Orik: (heavy sarcasm) Can you feel my ecstasy?
Eragon: Wow….was that you? I thought it was coming from Saphira
Saphira: Wha….? I’m not in high spirits! I’m melancholic…!!!I’m emo…!!!! I’m jubilant at the panorama of each and every one of you despicable worms being exterminated!
(Everyone turns to look at her)
Saphira: Exterminated……..by……sociable fungi! As they would compose a fastidious serene demise in favour of you as an alternative to being scythed apart on the theatre of war….with all those….succulent, luscious….appendages soaring ubiquitously *salivates*
Eragon: okkkk….don’t eat me I’m covered in muck
Harry: here let me help you with that , Tergio! (eragons tunic is cleaned)
Eragon: Wow! Thankee!
Harry: now we have to get to my world to get that antidote so the soldiers can be killed so we don’t have to die by hyperventilating people so we can then get back to my world for the second time find Ron make sure he isn’t anywhere near Hermione find Roran make sure he’s not dead then finally go and look for the horcruxes so that we can kill Beep lord and through him Beep Queen dismantle the Beep lord and Prince and Princess then live in peace for the rest of our lives! *pants*
Lyra: um…….Harry?
Harry: what is it?....and don’t you dare say nothing!
Lyra: …never mind….
Harry: *mimes breaking pencil*
Orik: We have to get that antidote!
Nasuada: halt! (gallops up to them on charger with stil laughing head under arm) Will you join us for a game of laughing head Polo?
Harry: I can’t ride a horse….but I can ride a hippogriff!
Nasuada: what?
Eragon: harry isn’t from this world
Nasuada: Die mutant! (draws sword)
Pippin: Stop my lady! If you could spare his life I will give you my fealty!
Eragon: Oi!!! I was about to do that!
Saphira: What about your budget!
Pippin: haha sucks to you!
Eragon: Stuff the budget!… Nasuada…
Pippin: No…no! Nasuada listen to me! Me first!
Eragon: shut up! Nasuada I give you my blade and my fealt-
Pippin: -NNnoooooOOO! I give you MY blade and MY f-
Harry: -SHUT IT WE NEED TO GET BACK!
Nasuada: back where?
Harry: To my world so we can save all the worlds from this insanity.
Eragon: Brom said insanity was bad
Saphira: Hallelujah! He proclaimed something of merit to pay attention to!
Harry: yes Eragon…well done…insanity is bad when it is in that form…other insanity is not so bad.
Luna: (walks up from behind) Yeah like mine
Pippin: FRODO!!! (Spastic Arm-flapping)
Merry: FRODO! (Spastic Arm-flapping)
Frodo: PIPPIN MERRY! (Spastic Arm-flapping)
(begin to run in slow motion towards each other but Frodo slips and makes his new wizards robes all mucky…they were Xeno’s and were bright yellow – not any more)
Luna: Ahhh….Frodo! now we have to get you changed….again!
Harry: Why what happened?
Luna: Well we broke into Hogwarts but the elves were having a food fight and well….we got caught in the cross fire…
Saphira: Victuals!??
Eragon: yeah…Food….not alcohol!
Harry: ok…ok lets just go! Will...
Will: follow me! (cuts window into Harry’s world and all walk through)
(all of the field around the Burrow is on fire and great clouds of smoke are flying everywhere)
Nasuada: Wow….look at all the fire….
Arya: (Far closer than anyone anticipated) ahhh…this never gets old. Run while you can!
Everyone minus Orik screams at the top of their lungs: NNOOOO
Eragon: Shut it you raving lunatic!
Harry: you’ll get us all killed
Sam: You completely worthless spawn of maggots!
Harry: my insult!
Eragon: you drajl! (drajl means spawn of maggots in Ancient Language)
Saphira: You prat!!!!!
(everyone looks at her again)
Eragon: that wasn’t at all sophisticated
Saphira: So? It acquired athwart my sentiments paramount!
Nasuada: Whoa whoa whoa whoa!….what did I do? Apologise before I kill you all!
Pippin: Sorry
Eragon: Sorry
Fred: What are you doing? Don’t apologise to her!
Pippin: but she is my leiglord!
Eragon: dito!
Nasuada: (softer) Sorry…please tell me what is happening as I am new to your world and I will only slightly kill you if you do not apologise.
Harry: Well…I am sorry and I agree that our insults were a bit exaggerated but we’re just under soooo much pressure.
Lirael: Pressure like boiled eggs-
Sam: -and chips, with beans on toast!
Nasuada: okkkk…
George: Erm……now I’ve waited until now because I’m being polite but….our house is kind of nearly on fire…shouldn’t we….you know….go put it out?
Arya: (across the burning fields) I’m nearly here so don’t infuriate me further!
Harry: Stuff you! Fire fire fire fire fire fire fire fire!!!! There!
Fred: er…. Harry….our house?
Harry: Oh yeah! God I hope no one is in there! They’ll be trapped! Quick!
(everyone runs to house and begins giving Harry energy through Eragon and Saphira so he can cast a spell to put out all the fire)
Harry: AUGMENTI!!!!!!! (huge amazing cascade of water erupts from his wand and instantly subdues all the fire and eventually puts it out. Harry however is blasted off his feet by the force and thrown high into the air while his wand still shoots water from his hand)
Lyra: HARRRRRYYYYYYY!!!!!!
Harry: wwwhhhhhhaaaaa!!!!!
Saphira: Grasp onto the apex of my upper reflex retractor! (Eragon leaps onto her back and she jumps into the sky after Harry)
(The force of the water carries Harry far over the burnt fields and the screaming Fire Queen and throws him off the edge of a cliff, Saphira dives after him)
Harry: AAAAaahhhhhhhh….wwwwhhhhheeeeee!!!!!
Eragon: Harry wait for us!
Saphira: Don’t linger, I crave to compete!
Eragon: Saphira!
Saphira: Come for a second time? It possibly will be the solitary opportunity I find and a opportunity not taken is a opportunity exhausted.
Harry: AAAAAhhhhhh (lands in a giant lake. Saphira hovers above the surface)
Eragon: Harry? You there?
Saphira: Undersized existence figure!!!!
Harry: (swims to surface) *gasping* I will NEVER do that again.
Eragon: It looked like fun though!
Harry: It was…only things that I have fun with normally end up turning into tearful dark haired girls who’d rather kill me than look at me.
Eragon: Not as bad as me and Arya.
Harry: Arya?
Eragon: Beep Queen!
Harry: Oh God….no its not that bad. (starts laughing and sinks then resurfaces coughing and spluttering)




TBC *dramatic music*


So there you go a little odd but ...... well I know its odd. Tell me how strange you think it was cause....yeah. Sorry I'm not very awake today. *convinient yawn*
Well here is the feedback thread ..... I've got Spanish now.

Oh my god i have not updated in sooooo long. I feel no guilt in blaiming it all on my beta even though she has now done it but she feels very sorry for not checking the work....lol....not really. We have been soo busy but now! behold chapter....3!!! Yay! Oh god that is not as far through as i would want it to be.

Chapter 3: Fire festivals, white peacocks and the dance of the Nargle queen!

Eragon: Come on get out of there before you freeze.

(Harry swims to side of bank and clambers out as he does he realises something)

Harry: Saphira what are those things on your leg?

(Saphira looks down and sees two people with incredibly windswept hair clinging to her back leg….well actually one was clinging to Saphira and the other was clinging to the first.)

Saphira: I cannae identify! (flicks the two people off and onto the shore)

Nasuada: OW! That blinking hurt!

Lyra: ……..Harry!

Harry: Is that all you know how to say?

Lyra:…..no

Harry: Well go on then enlighten us with your vocabulary…it might explain why you grabbed Saphira’s leg.

Lyra:….nothing

Nasuada: Listen Harry….Arya…or the Fir-

Harry: No!

Nasuada: What?

Saphira: We are obliged to by no means articulate that word or she will materialize and eradicate each and every one of us with her conflagration subordinates, in addition to Hermione and Murtagh

Nasuada: Murtagh’s alive!!

Eragon: Mmmph…

Nasuada: Whats up with you I thought he was your friend

Eragon: he’s Hermione’s friend now…. (Dramatic music)

Nasuada: …….*astonished and very hurt scowl*…..but what about me?

Eragon: yeah I know….what about me?

Harry: Nasuada….what were you saying about Beep Queen?

Nasuada: Well she was murderously angry she has gone mad…and I mean more than before….she is more mad than Galby, Voldy or any evil thing ever created…..she is the most insane….she went coocoo right after you extinguished her mother fir- beep and now she is out for revenge.

Harry: on a scale of one to ten how bad is it?

Nasuada: Well….I don’t know Beep Queen like Eragon does but I would say…about…..no its too hard to say….lets just agree that is a lot over ten shall we?

Harry: *Gulp*

Saphira: How are we going to subsist?

Harry: *gulp*

Lyra:……Harry?

Harry: *gulp*

Eragon: If you don’t stop doing that I’ll have Saphira rip out your throat so you can’t!

Saphira: You can compel me to perform naught! I will accomplish it of my individual gratis will in addition to that I will achieve it for the raison d'être that I still have not had something significant to consume!

Eragon: You ate my father!

Saphira: He was elderly, desiccated and crumpled…not dreadfully substantial!

Eragon: *growl* (draws sword)

Saphira: *derides* (bears fangs)

Harry: ok…calm down we don’t want Eragon to be ripped apart

Eragon: What makes you think I would be ripped apart?

Harry: Fine…Saphira go ahead lets see how long he survives being your scratch post

Saphira: *inhale* I would not inconvenience myself by polluting my talons on such an insignificant mortal

Eragon: What do you eat when you go hunting then?

Saphira: I wouldn’t be proficient enough to distinguish in scrutiny of the actuality that I’ve previously under no circumstances been in pursuit!

Eragon: Well go now then! You can catch us up later.

Saphira: Seriously!?

Eragon: Certainly! As long as you are not here!

Saphira: (whoops and jumps back into the air in an unladylike fashion like a CHAVDRAGON)

Nasuada: I don’t think you would have been ripped to pieces (emphasises the word ‘I’)

Eragon: Err…..thanks

Harry: right….now that’s cleared up we should try to get back to the others.

Lyra: …..Harry-

Harry: OMG!!!! If you keep harassing me I will tie the remains of Saphira’s meal to your feet and throw you in the lake!

Eragon: Theres not going to be much left…

Harry: Fine…I will just tie stone to your feet and throw you in the lake.

Nasuada: now that’s a bit harsh all she wanted to tell you was that you have an owl.

Harry: …..oh…..sorry….(takes Pigwidgeon from Lyra’s hand and unties the scroll weighing him down)

Harry: Dear Harry and co. I have found the others and we are going to fight with Dumbledalf or whoever. We are organising a defence league and accepting all refugees as we have heard that Fir- hmmm weird…you can write it but you can’t say it…-Beep Queen is preparing to burn this world to dust then gather her minions and search out the portals the Subtle Knife has left open and burn the other worlds until all the worlds are just burning masses of beep-

Saphira: (flies back with elephant carcass) –mmmmm

Eragon: Where did that come from?

Harry: hem hem! -tell all who you meet of our predicament and tell them to travel to the mountain where we met Sirius in year 4 where there is a portal leading to Will’s world which is just like ours but has no magic! *le gasp* It has people just like ones here apart from they don’t do magic they read about magic in books all about us! Weird huh?....Anyway…We’ll send everyone there and when that world is filled up we’ll send them on to Lireal’s world because it has a bit that is like Will’s it should help them get comfortable while we hunt down beep Queen and the horcruxes. Lirael and Will are leading the attack group and Luna and Frodo are leading the refugees through the worlds. We thought Will would be more valuable on the battle field as people tend to listen to him. Roran is with us and fighting but has lost and arm which I mended. It now looks like he has a silver sleeve its just like Wormtail’s! Anyway…Beep Queen is after you so flee as far away as you can and stay hidden. You have not seen her anger yet but when you do you will be afraid. Lirael said it looked like the final phase of the Destroyer (this big weird thing from her world that nearly wiped everything out) it was odd. Is Lyra with you? Will was worried…says he feels responsible for her….dunno. Fred and Pippin have gone to get the antidote and we will be on our way to the place we have selected to erect and army. Somewhere in Eragon’s world called Farthern Dur…Nasuada mentioned it before she grabbed Lyra and flew off with you and Orik seems to know where its is…something about a dwarf capital, I’m not too sure.



Write back soon because we might not live long,

Ron

p.s I know about th-…..

Nasuada: Th…..?????????????/

Harry: I dunno the rest of the page is burnt

Eragon: I’m sure they’re fine. They have Roran with them!

Harry: he is more of a liability!

Eragon: oi!

Nasuada: Roran can be very loyal! *half glance at Eragon*

Harry: That’s his problem he’ll trust anyone

Eragon: and you wont?

Harry: (takes a step closer to Eragon, brandishing wand)

Eragon: (Draws sword glaring at Eragon)

Harry: Eragon, your cousin thinks you killed his father!

Eragon: he was my uncle! And I didn’t kill him!

Harry: but he thinks you did!

Eragon: Your right *depressed sigh* I’m hopeless

Harry: yeah you are!

Eragon: *Whack!*

Harry: (clutching face) *daggers* (disparates)



(Harry reappears outside Hogwarts and looks down at something clutching his arm)

Lyra:….Harry!

Harry: Leave me alone I wanna have a strop! When I have strops I have big ones so make way!

Lyra: I thought you were better than that!

Harry: what? You didn’t say nothing!

Lyra: When have I ever ignored you!

Harry: no I mean the word nothing!

Lyra: well….no

Harry: fine…*sigh* lets go tell people they have to evacuate.

Lyra: *nervous glance* (follows Harry up the road)



(they get to Hogwarts and it is early morning they can hear music coming from the hall)



Harry: That is odd.

Lyra: yeah that sounds like musical saws

Harry: they shouldn’t be up at this time

Lyra: come on…(leads Harry to great hall and pushes open door, McGonagall is making speech and Hall is decorated expensively)

McGonagall: (waves for silence) Thank you! Now, after that impressive opening ceremony from the ghost orchestra I would like to make a short announcement before we party in proper.

Lyra: Ghost orchestra…

Harry: party in proper????

McGonagall: Now, there is something I have not told you about this amazing castle I like to call Hogwatrs. (pauses for suspense) This brilliant castle was formed…..in the very centre….of…..

Hagrid: tell us already we can’t bear it!

(everyone stares at him mockingly and realise he has three bucket sized tankards in his hands)

McGonagall: as I was saying….This brilliant castle was formed….in the very centre….of-

Hagrid: *BELCH*

McGonagall: Well really! This brilliant castle was formed…in the very centre….of….*silent silencing charm so no one can interrupt her* ….Mount Doom!!!!!

Everyone: *shrugs shakes heads* (confused ‘what’s can be heard)

Harry: uh oh…..(Remembers reading about Mt Doom in LOTR and then….he sees huge cauldrons of fire with flames that reach the enchanted ceiling, sees pictures of volcanoes and lava and fire and fire and….more fire and smoke and fire everywhere. Sees fire eaters and fire works and crosses on fire and burning scarecrows and Colin Creevey picking his nose while telling his friends about how Aragorn had invited him to stay that summer)

Lyra: I think this is a-

McGonagall: So I would like to announce this years Fire fest….OPEN!

Arya: (very very far away) fire?????? Fire…..Fest!!!!!!!! Me coming!

Everyone: *cheers* Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Harry: NOOOO! STOP! (Flaps hands)

Everyone: FIRE! FIRE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE! FIERY FIERY GOODNESS! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

Lyra: No!.....no…..they can’t we’ll all die….

Arya: OK I heard you the first time! I’m coming!!!!

Harry/Lyra: SHUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP

(everyone turns and glares at them. The force of so much hatred concentrated into such a small amount of space would make anyone melt. That is just what Harry did. He melted into a puddle)

McGonagall: Now Potter and friend we have spent the entire year preparing for this we have spent all our money and we have worked the houselves to the bone….that is until they went on strike and had a food fight but still! What gives you the right to strip us of our rightly earned privileges!

Lyra: …..professor

McGongall: WHAT!

Lyra:……er…..the Beep Queen is coming

Mcgongall: ……what?

Lyra: the Beep Queen! She is coming! (gains more confidence and steps in front of the puddle that is Harry shielding him from their ultra violet evils) The beep Queen! The Queen of the flames! The Beep Queen and the Beep King and the Beep Lord! The beep Prince and princess! They come with their armies of beep minions! They come to kill us all! If we do not do something we will all perish! Do you want to burn alive! You will all burn! BBBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRNNN!!!!!!!! She wont spare anyone! Not a soul! Not now that we put out her mother beep! We are all doomed! Your only hope is to flee! Flee to the mountains where they first met Sirius! Flee to the cave where the deranged mass murderer hid! There is a small secluded cave there with a portal into another world!!! The other world!!!!! You can be safe there while the world burns with the power of Beep! AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! THE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Flaps hands spastically)

(two people in white clothes sneak up behind her and strap a straight jacket onto her)

McGonagall: Take this lunatic away before she infects us all with her madness! Now….FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE!

Everyone: (resumes chanting) FIRE FIRE FIRE

Lyra: NOOOOOO! BEEP! DEATH! BEEP! BURNING ALIIIIIIIIVE! BEEP! BEEP!

McGonagall: Somebody gag her!

(white clothed man stuffs a gag into her mouth and Lyra is silenced.)

Harry: leave her alone!

(everyone stops chanting to glare at him again but after Lyra’s protection from the first daggers attack he was used to it and had reformed into himself from the puddle on the floor.)

McGonagall: Potter….you are interrupting our fire chanting.

Harry: Let Lyra go! Now!

McGonagall: no! FIRE FIRE FIRE!

Everyone: FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

Harry: your making a mistake!

Everyone: (louder) FIRE FIRE FIRE!

Harry: you’ll kill us all!

Everyone: (literally fraying their vocal chords to scream over him) FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

Harry: No…..no…..(walks out of hall)



(Entrance hall)

Harry: Stupid goons.

Lyra: (from below) Help! Help me! Harry! HARRY!

Harry: Lyra! Lyra??

Lyra: IN the dungeon they’re…no! No! NOOOOOO!

Harry: (runs as fast as he can to dungeon door and flings it open. Snape is standing there with a giant white peacock feather. Lyra is tied to a chair and is being tickled. She is rocking about with laughter. A white peacock is standing next to her, pecking at Snape madly) Lyra!

Lyra: Harry!

Harry: Stop tickling her you sick creeps!

Snape: What if we don’t want to?

Harry: Sectumsempra!!!!! Sectumsempra! Sectumsempra! Muhahahahhaha!!! (dances about as blood spurts into the air and begin to hum ‘I’m singing in the rain’ – Deranged cackled ensues)

Lyra: Harry! They’re dieing!

Harry: So?

Lyra: Are you a killer?

Harry: wha?!!!! No I don’t have the guts! (quickly hurries over to Snape and repairs his skin with a spell Hermione had recently taught him. Then he repairs the two white swathed people and the peacock)

Lyra: Come here. Get me out of this.

Harry: Sorry (walks over to Lyra and unties the ropes and undoes the straightjacket)

Lyra: What’re we gonna do?

Harry: I know where we can hide for the time being.

Lyra: Sure…but I meant what if everyone thinks we’re mad?

Harry: I know that’s what you meant. I just don’t know…

(heavy footsteps approaching slowly)

Lyra: hurry lets go!

(Harry grabs Lyra’s hand and pulls her out the door past Hagrid and up the stairs to the seventh flood where he drags her into the Room of requirement)



Lyra: er…

Harry: um…

(the room is decorated exactly like a class room)

Lyra: you sure you got the right room?

Harry: …yeah….(walks around and asks the room what the hell is going on and a door materialises out of the wall) Thanks room! (strolls to the door and follows Lyra inside)

Lyra: Wow….now this is more like it!

Harry: Perfect. (the door dissolved back into the wall. All around the room that came off the room of requirement was were hammocks and banners and bookshelves and two toilets.)

Lyra: We’ll never be found here

Harry: It looks like a tree house…or a ship cabin…..weird…

Lyra: brilliant…they’ll never think to look in here!

(they both sit down at a rickety table in deep comfortable armchairs)

Harry: so….while we wait for the nut hunt to cease

Lyra: and for them to stop trying to catch us

Harry: that’s what I meant

Lyra: ….oh

(they both start laughing)

Harry: *glances at Lyra* (watches Lyra continue laughing for a bit with an odd glint in his eye)

Lyra: (finally stops laughing and sits up straight) *shoots nervous look at Harry*

Harry: (suddenly flings his wand across the room) Oops!!! Dropped my wand!!!!

Lyra: I’ll get it! ( pulls herself out of her chairs and walks over to the wand)

Harry: No let me! (prances after her like a ridiculous giant Blast-ended-skrewt, trips and falls then picks himself up and bends to pick up wand. His hand closes over Lyra’s who got there first and looking up they rise to their full height looking at each other curiously)

Lyra: I found you wand…

Harry:….thanks….

(sprig of mistletoe sprouts out of the ceiling between them making Lyra look up)

Lyra: *sigh* mistletoe…..

Harry: Probably filled with Nargles…..*leans forwards*

Lyra: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THAT!!!!!!!?????

Harry: what! (looks up to see a giant hairy thing that looked like a gnome but had wings and fangs that reached its toes and huge long earlobes that were tied about its broad stomach.)

Harry:…….

Nargle: Wheeeeeee! (drops onto Lyra’s head and begins pulling her hair. Twenty more Nargles drop out and begin to attack them.)

Lyra: Aaaaahhhhhh! Get it off! Get it off! AAaaaahhhhh! This is worse than being parted from my deamon! Pan! Pantilaimon!!!! Heeeeeeeeellllp! (starts running about madly shaking her hands and head and whacking herself in the face while trying to swat away the Nargles who were whooping and screaming with glee as they were tossed about)

Harry: (while being attack by Nargles and having Lyra running around screaming he stare blankly at the sprig of mistletoe) How did all of those Nargles fit in there?


TBC


Ok...I WILL harrass my beta until she fulfills the next installment I swear on her pretty head that it wont be too long. I hope you enjoyed it and feel forgiving enough to leave me some feedback here because I love you and I need it. XD

Ok, so you have my most pleading apologies for keeping you so long from the next chapter those of you who are still reading this random nonsense. Thanks for sticking with it I owe you one. Anyway, because my beta has been inactive for so long I have decided to do it myself so if this chapter isn't up to its usual standards I apologise.

Chapter 4: Here Come the Girls

Snape: POTAAAAAAAR!
Harry: oh snap!
Lyra: Aaaahhh! Naaargles!
McGonagall: Oh my!
Snape: Come here Potter! Now!
Harry: LYRA!!!!! RUUUUUUN
Lyra: Way ahead of you! (run outs of door pushing past Snape and McGonagall)
Harry: Wait for me! (leaps after her and out of the door of the outer chamber)
Snape: POTTER! WAIT!!! I JUST WANTED TO BORROW YOU PURFUME….I MEAN FOOT SPRAY!!!!!
McGongall: hehem….foot spray?

(at Defence organisation the next morning while they are preparing to march into Eragon’s world and to Farthern Dur. They are currently at the Refugee camp)
Lirael: No you don’t soldier! Straighten your back and comb your hair!
Will: Left flank turn about!
Lirael: March to the tree and back and mind you don’t break your nails!
Will: Right flank twenty star jumps! And Creevy stop picking your nose! (Creevy and friends who had mysteriously appeared at the back of the platoon yanked their fingers from their nostrils)
Lireal: Rear platoon raise wands and curl eyelashes!
Will: front platoon raise your bows!
Alex: What do I do with my gun?
Lirael: Alex!!!!! What are you doing!! You’re meant to be commanding the gun squad behind that ridge!...with the feather boas!
Alex: yeah….they started a riot and are doing gun dancing…
Will: gun dancing….?
(BANG)
Alex: ….don’t ask
Lirael: Well go and stop them before they kill eachother!
(scream)
Alex: Riiiiight
Aragorn: Oi! We’re getting a bit tiered of holding our bows at the ready!
Gandalf: And our staffs!!!!
Roran: And like, our chikens!
Lirael: Chickens?
Gimli: Give the order already my arms are turning white!
Will: FIRE!!! (bows twang)
Lirael: WILL!!!!
Arya: (from Hogwarts) fire? I’m coming….coming to eat you….from Hogwarts….which I have just burnt to the ground! Muahahahaha!!!
Ron: You burnt Hogwarts……
Arya: yes muahahha!
Ron: my sister was there!!!!
Arya: was she the one with the fiery hair?
Ron:….yes
Arya: yes she is fire Princess in waiting
Fred/George: What!!!!
Ginny: (also from Hogwarts) I can’t here you!
Arya: get off my megaphone!
Ginny: Harry I’m coming to kill you!
Ron: Harry isn’t here!
Ginny: I can’t here you!
Arya: Get OFF my megaphone or I will burn you!
Voldemort: Shut up! Lets just go and get Potter’s friends!
Arya: We will be with you shortly
Roran: I must like go and like save this like damsel in like distress who like is being like abducted like by like Beep Queen!....I like, need Eragon for this! It is all he’s good for!
Ron: Noo! You’ll die!!!
Will: We have to leave for Farthern Dur in less than an hour!!!!
Roran: I like don’t care! Like, Go with out me! Gimmpy like needs me!
Ron: She is called GINNY!
Roran: Like, Whatever! Stuff you Eragon…wherever you are! (runs down the mountain side towards Hogsmede and Hogwarts)
Lirael: LET LOOSE THE SPELLS!
Gandalf: What?
Fred: Now?
George: You left it a bit-
Lirael: NOW!
(shoot spells into the air)
Lirael: now that’s more like it.
Will: Treat your commander with respect!
Luna: Hi Will!
Frodo: Hi!
Will: Hi…how’re the refugees
Luna: They are harvesting Snorkack dung so that we can grow blibbering humdinger ferns in your world
Will: ….sure….

Roran: (runs into Honeydukes panting after his run down the mountain) I like, need an energy boost!
Honeyduke shop keeper….Earl: What do you want? We have whizbees and sugar quills and cluster and droobles and liquorice wands and…..lemon drops and carbbe apple surprise and-
Roran: like, Whatever!
Earl: here you go! (gives him something the size of his little toe nail)
Roran: like, thanks!
Eral: Fifty two galleons please!
Roran: like, Stuff you! (shoves it into mouth and sprints away angry shouts following him. The tiny sweet makes him sprint fifty times the speed he normally would making his face ripple with the speed he was travelling at. It only took him a few second to reach what was left of Hogwarts)
Roran: Like…whooooaaaaa (stares at rather large pile of rubble) if I like knew this place I would like totally cry my eyes like dry…
Ginny: boo hoo boo hoo
Roran: Like wow….weird
Ginny: *sniff*
Arya: Stop sniffeling Fire Princess in waiting
Voldemort: Does that make her a Fire Queen in waiting waiting?
Arya: Hmmm…I’m not sure
Galbatorix: Mybe it makes her a-
Arya: Shut up goon.
Galbatorix: *purposely unseen glare*
Voldemort: So…Fire Prince….you haven’t spoken in a while…
Murtagh: That is because I have nothing to say
Voldemort: Do you miss Fire Princess?
Murtagh: She will be back soon then I wont have to miss her.
Arya: She better be back soon or that frizzy hair will be all too frizzy
Galbatorix: Wha-?
Arya: Shut up goon!
Mutagh: What do you mean?
Arya: I will burn her to a crisp and her hair will go all frizzy with the heat
Voldemort: Wouldn’t her hair just burn?
Arya: Honestly don’t you know anything? Now secure our prisoner…I mean Fire Queen in waiting and make sure my megaphone is out of her reach while I go and sort out those who speak freely of fire. (runs past Roran who is squatting behind smouldering wall)
Durza: I have the shoe polish my lord.
Galby/Voldy: Thank y-
Voldemort: This is MY shoes polish!
Galbatorix: Sorry Fire King
Durza: (begins to polish Voldies shoes)
Ginny: *sniffle*
Murtagh: hmph
Galbatorix: *unseen evils*
Roran: *Fidget*
Voldemort: Where are my Minions?
Galbatorix: The Fire Minions are waiting at Malfoy manor…Fire Princess should be back shortly with news about them.
Hermione: Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!! (flies down on thestral) Say…I saw Saphira in the sky while I was out.
Shruikan: Really! Where?
Galbatorix: Yes where? We must hunt her down
Shruikan: and eat her
Galbatorix: No…use her as a dragon making device….THEN eat her.
Murtagh: What sort of sick disgusting creepy goon would do such a thing? *weird disgusted look*
Hermione: Apparently that one
Ginny: *sniffle*
Hermione: Ginny! Oh My God! Hogwarts!!!!!!! (sees big black mess that she had not previously recognised as her school)
Ginny: They…they…they burnt it down! Everybody ran in different directions! Giant spiders were cartwheeling to Elvis Presley and I didn’t know what to do. Then I saw….the megaphone…and I just lunged for it but….but….but the Fire Queen got there first! (begins to cry in earnest)
Voldemort: Whats wrong with Elvis Presley?
Hermione: Its not that! She is obviously traumatised! Why did you burn the school?!
Voldemort: I didn’t! I would never dream of burning my school! It was Fire Queen!
Hermione: (with loathing) Fire Queen *shiver*
Voldemort: If you hate her then why are you here?
Hermione: Because I don’t enjoy being ripped apart by Eragon, Ron and Harry!
Murtagh: *suspicious glance*
Galbatorix: Did you get what you went for?
Hermione: yes…the Fire minions are in position…but…these two stumbled in on them late last night. (pulls Golem and Kreacher out of Arya’s make up bag)
Golem: They burns us they does. With bright flames from sticks. They hurtsies us, hurtsies us on the arms and the nose!
Hermione: Are you ok? Your safe now.
Kreacher: We knows mistress is still waiting for old Kreacher! Poor mistress having to wait while Kreacher is carried round in mudbloods make up bags!
Golem: We must find precious and mean hobittses who tookest itsies.
Kreacher: Must find Potter brat and ask him wheather Kreacher can return to mistress.
Hermione: I’m…I’m sorry but you can’t go anywhere. You know about the Fire minions now so we can’t trust you wont say anything.
Golem: You can trust us you canny! We wont tell anyone! (in audible undertone) we would tellsy anyone anything for preciouses.
Kreacher: Kreacher just wants to get back to his mistress and help her keep the first inch or so of filth off her protarait. (in audible undertone) but we would betray them like we betrayed Master Sirius, but Master Sirius was a bad boy and broke his mothers heart.
Hermione: What can we do! They will betray us all!
Galbatorix: I can make them swear oaths in the Ancient Lagnguage…I’m quite good at that.
Shruikan: hmph
Murtagh: double hmph
Voldemort: Great!
(after kreacher and Golem have sworn to keep the secret after much squeeling and Hermione giving them apologetic looks they were allowed to wander wherever they pleased)
Roran: Okkkk! Like.
Ginny: Ahh!
Hermione: Ahh!
Galabatorix: eek!
Durza: Ahh! (spills polish all over Voldemort’s new white wedding robes)
Voldemort: AAAHHHH my robes! Acada Kedavra! (kills Durza) Eek!
Shruikan: *rolls eyes*
Murtagh: *rolls eyes*
Roran: I am like so like bored of like sitting there listening to your like pointless waffle!...like!
Hermione:…..oh god not you again
Voldemort: Shall I kill him?
Hermione: No…he might be of some use to us….(turns steps right up to Roran) WHERE IS ERAGON!!!
Roran: *rubs ear* I dunno like, I like hate Eragon….he like killed my father.
Hermione: Nooooo you told me that Fire Queen killed your father….remember
Roran: No it was Eragon. I hate him now….all he is good for is saving damsels in distress
Ginny: I’m a damsel in distress! Where is he?
Roran: I couldn’t like be bothered to look for him so I like came without him…I normally meet him on war ships in the middle of a battle but…since those like aren’t available at the moment this’ll like have to do.
Ginny: I like your arm…..
Roran: (Flexes silver arm that he had installed by Ron since it was ripped off by a very hungry Bellatrix Fire Minion.)
Voldemort: Who did that? Only I can do that!
Roran: It was like Ron.
Hermione: *snort*
Murtagh: Can we get to the killing of the intruder now?
Hermione: *secret questioning look that goes unnoticed by anyone but Murtagh*
Murtagh: *secret ‘I’ll explain my evilness later’ look back*
Voldemort:….hmmm that can be arranged….you can take him to the lake…go kill him there and then bring me back his head…..take the girl too.

(at lake behind tick grove of burnt and shrivelled beech trees)
Roran: Like, get off me! Get off me or I’ll like bite you! Look I like have super cool powers now! (grabs Murtagh with his silver hand and throws himhalfway across the lake)
Hermion: Murtagh!!!
Murtagh: *splash*
Hermione: You twit!
Ginny: Hermione….I need help….I have to escape….Roran too!
Hermione: I don’t know whats going on he kept giving me secret looks that I pretended to understand but didn’t! And now you’ve just thrown him half way across the lake!
Roran: like, oops.
Ginny: Look…he’s swimming back…
Hermione: mmmm…but now he’ll be all wet. He doesn’t like being wet…
Murtagh: (climbs out of water) Roran you absolute nutcase! Look at me! I’m drenched!
Roran: You better not like, try to kill me then!
Murtagh: *exasperated look at Hermione*
Hermione: Don’t do that! You know I don’t understand!
Ginny: but you’re really good at emotions and stuff!
Hermione: No I’m not! I read it all from a book I found under Ron’s bed!
Ginny:…oh
Murtagh: Right…I wont kill you if you are reasonable!
Roran: I am like being reasonable!
Ginny: you are?
Hermione: you should see his unreasonable…
Murtagh: We just need to get out of here!
Roran:….hmmmm…..like, really?
Ginny: Inspirational speech time!??!!! *gleeful grin*
Roran: No…like, inspirational plan time!
Hermione: you…thinking….now THAT is funny!
Roran: here’s what we’ll do…

(back at destroyed Hogwarts)
Volemort: Did you kill him?
Murtagh: yes...and stuffed his body with daisies just like you said.
Voldemort: I never said that!
Hermione: yes you did!
Voldemort: really?
Murtagh: I think there has been a….misunderstanding can we speak with you Fire King…alone? *glance at Galby and Shruikan*
Voldemort: *glance at curious Galby and Shruikan* sure…

(away from Galby and Shruikan)
Voldemort: oooooh…isn’t this exciting…all this secrecy…..makes me feel young again! Shall I get my wig out?
Hermione: er…..
Murtagh: spare us….now, Galbatorix told us that you told him to tell us to stuff the bodies with daisies.
Voldemort: I never!
Hermione: That’s just what we know
Murtagh: actually, while Hermione was collecting the daisies be fore we killed him he told us that he had overheard more than what we thought. He was a spy sent by Eragon to spy on Glabatorix…and he heard Fire Lord say….
Voldemort: yes?
Murtagh: he heard him say…..
Voldemort: yes!!!!
Murtagh: he heard him say……something!
Hermione: *rolls eyes*
Voldemort: Which is!!!!!!!
Murtagh: That he is plotting to over throw you by turning your minions against you and killing you while you sleep then once his hands are covered in your blood he is going to finger paint your death and him finger painting your death with your blood. Then-
Voldemort: wait….are you saying that he can finger paint! When I specifically told him to paint me a farm yard with finger paints and he said he didn’t know how!!!
Murtagh: he lied Fire king….he….*sigh* does know how to finger paint.
Hermione: So anyway…he will fingerpaint your death with your blood then say that he is Fire King and steal your one true love-
Voldemort: wait!....I can’t love…never have….never will….*suspicious glare*
Murtagh: *gulp*
Voldemort: he’s just digging the grave deeper for himself.
Hermione: *sigh*
Murtagh: so yeah and then he would rule over your world as if it were his own and he will rule for ever being as though he cannot die.
Voldemort: H still wont tell me how he does that! I’ve tried torture of every kind….and I know many kinds….but all he says is that he has a connection with his dragon which is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
Murtagh: *exaggerated nod* mmmmm! That is what we thought too! (sarcasm only just detectable)
Hermione: How do you feel about this? Remember he will die if poison or spell or sword or stuff like that kills him….
Murtagh: Don’t you feel reeeeally angry with him?
Hermione: Don’t you want to prevent this from happening?
Voldemort: hmmmm….I am angry and I do want revenge……hmmm
Murtagh: yeeees….you want to….
Hermione: to….
Voldemort: to what?
Murtagh: Oh come on!
Hermione: put two and two together
Voldemort: I don’t get why they say that they should say put one and one together!
Murtagh: you want to kill him to stop him from killing you!!!!
Voldemort: Yes! Yes I do! And I shall do it now before I forget!
(walks out.)
Voldemort:AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!
(walks back in again)
Voldemort: well that is all done and…..oh fiddle!!!
Murtagh: What? *nervous look at Hermione*
Hermione: we didn’t make it up if that’s what you’re worried about
Voldemort: no…..I just remembered I made him into a horcrux
Hermione: *jaw drop*
Murtagh: whats a horcrux?
Voldemort: WHA?!! How do you know about my horcuxes! You have betrayed me!!! You must all die!
Murtagh: But you just said!!!
Voldmeort: did I….oh….Dumbledore was right ….i am making far too many mistakes nower days….*sigh*
Murtagh: If there is anything we can do to help…
Hermione: Anything apart from sacrificing ourselves to be your new horcuxes.
Murtagh: yes…anything that keeps us in one piece….that we could do to help you….just say it and its done. Then we can go and clear up the body and we’ll be out of your way, (in undertone) forever….
Voldemort: *sniffle* well…there is one thing you could do that Fire Queen has never wanted to do….
Hermione: *terrified* yes….?
Voldemort: Watch my 6th year music project. It was quite something….*sniffle* but nobody ever thought so….
Murtagh: Sure! So long as we can go and…..er….clean up the body after.
Voldemort: Of course! Fire Queen hates daisies. Accio TV and my 6th year music project!
(television zooms towards the crumbled Hogwarts and a dusty DVD)
Voldemort: (blows dust off and puts the disc into the TV)
(Music for ‘Here Come the Girls’ starts with a blank black screen. Then a spotlight appears showing Lucius Malfoy standing in the pitch blackness with a wind machine blowing in his face making his hair billow out behind him like in those shampoo adverts. The lyrics for ‘Here Come the Girls’ starts and more spotlights reveal others standing in the darkness. Lucius is at the front of a ‘V’ a bit like that that birds make when flying. Behind him Sirius, Snape, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Volemort (wearing a long blond wig) and Charlie all of their hair is billowing out behind them too and they are all looking at the camera.
“Here come the Girls! (Girls, Girls, Girls-Girls)
Here come the Giiiiiiiirls! (Girls, Girls, Girls-Girls)”

On each ‘girls’ they flick their heads making their hair go all over their faces and everywhere.

“Looking so good, its a darn god shame, that they couldn't - all be mine!”

Close up of Lucius turning his head to look at the camera his hair flying in slow motion.

“Looking so pretty, its a darn god pitty- Oh! - Your looking soo fine! (Fine)”

Quick view of each individual member of the group each rolling their heads so that their hair gets blown out at different angles. On the final ‘fine’ close up of Voldemort running his pale long fingered hand through his long luxurious blond wig.

“Look out blood! Let me get a little closer to the one I love!”

Sirius and Snape waltzing in slow motion their hair flying in their faces and everywhere.

“Anything better than the oposite sex a mother kepit a buh buh!”

Dumbledore and Hagrid back to back stoking their beards and sliding to the floor

“Here come the Girls! (Girls, Girls, Girls-Girls)”

Several clips of Charlie doing extravagant acrobatics and gymnastics in which his hair went in his mouth and got blown out again whipping Voldemort in the face.

“Here come the Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirls! (Girls, Girls, Girls-Girls)”

On extended ‘girls’ Voldemort goes to run his fingers through his wig but it falls off and he stoops to get it. The camera hurriedly switches to Lucius who isn’t ready and tries to improvise by twirling his fingers in his hair and ripping his nail off.

“I can live without coffee, I can live without Tea!
And I'm livid about the honeybee!”

Hagrid giving Dumbledore a piggy back and Dumbledore getting smothered by Hagrid’s hair. Dumbledore lifts his arms in the air and Hagrids twirls about on the word ‘livid’.

“I'm not a philistane,
I can leave or take,
But the Girls are part of me!”

Sirius and Snape doing random disco diva dance flicking their heads widely throwing greasy and matted hair everywhere.

“And ohhh water!
I dont need no lemonade!”

Slow motion clip of Lucius turning his head again and his hair flying in front of his face so he is looking at the camera through a screen of blond hair.

“But to live without girls,
I can't live without Girls,
It's like a man with a hole in his ear!”

Re-wigged Voldemort doing the caterpillar and Charlie break dancing in the background. On ‘it’s like a man while a hole in his ear’ shows earless George doing a random hoola dance.

“Here come the Girls!
Here come the Girls!”

Everyone cartwheels back into position of the ‘V’ and put their heads down their hair suddenly limp as the wind machine is momentarily turned off.

“Here come the Giiiiiiirls! (Girls, Girls, Girls-Girls)
Here come the Giiiiiiiiiiiirls! (Girls, Girls, Girls-Girls)”

Everyones heads snap up as the wind machine is turned back on and their hair regains a life of its own, and they strut forwards in time to the music like those models do when they are cat walking and jut their chins out flick their heads again making the hair go over their faces then slowly rolling their heads back on the second exaggerated ‘Girls’ making their hair slowly slide of their faces.
On the final ‘(girls,girls, girls-girls)’ they all look to the side then to the other side then up then down on each ‘Girls’ then the music stops and the spotlight fades back into blackness.)

Voldemort: *sniffle* I still have that wig….
Murtagh:………………………………….
Hermione:…………………………………
World:……………………………….
Other worlds:……………………………….
Eragon: (from very far away) hey! Why has it all gone quiet?
Saphira: Eragon! Underprosper your lip’s contraction! We’re designed to be being hushed!!!
Voldemort:…well?
Murtagh:………..*shocked gape*
Hermione:…………*mouth slightly ajar still staring at the screen*
Voldemort: was it really that good? I have a YouTube account now! I can put it on there!
Murtagh:……..(doesn’t even bother to ask Voldemort what a Uchoob account is)
Hermione:……….(doesn’t even bother to ask Voldemort how he knows about You Tube)
Eragon: *burp*
Saphira; Eragon! Sluice absent your orifice!
Eragon: er….that wasn’t my mouth
Saphira: eeerggg! Mouldy methane!
Eragon: Saphira! People have gone quiet!
Saphira: Fine be silent in that case!
Luna: (from refugee camp) wow Eragon I can here you! I think it is the nargles….
Lyra: (from far away) Nargles where?!! Harry get it off!
Harry: Shhhhh! Dudley’ll here you!
Ron: (also from Refugee camp) Harry why are you at the Dursley’s?
Harry: long story…nargle….McGonagall….Snape….
Snape: (somewhere kind of nearby but not very) Oi you keep me out of it! Don’t you think I have just been humiliated enough!
Lucius: (cheddar gorge) I can’t believe you showed them that my Lord! I have lost the
will to live! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh (sound of body hitting rocks as Lucius jumped off of cliff and then amazingly bounces off a giant mushroom)
Sirius: (from beyond veil) I don’t like that video of me…it makes me look scrawny.
Harry: you’re alive! So is Dumbledore!
Gandalf: (from Refugee camp) GANDAAAAAAAALF!
Harry: yeah whatever
Vernon Dursley: POTTAAAAR!
(eventually the previous noise of the world returns)


TBC

I will probably update in a few days because I have alot of spare time on my hands. Oh and the next installment had Twilight in it! Yayyy!!!!

Oops sorry forgot the feedback thread. Here you go. Feedback