I'm not sure how long this will last but this is the first in a series (yet to be written)

Its a HP / Blackadder Parody - and SOME of you may even like it - especially you louise!

And yes it's a comedy

---------------

OK – set the scene here – Its 10 years after Hogwarts, the wizarding world is at war, Dumbledore, as minister of magic, has gone insane, Harry’s sick of fighting and wants out, Hermiones brains have exploded and shes now thicker than custard, Ron is still Ron, and Draco Malfoy is Dumbledores trusty suck-up secertary.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Orders for Operation Insanity arrive and Harry breaches regulations by eating the messenger--who just happens to be Dumbledores closest boyhood friend.

(in Harry’s quarters; Harry is on the phone)


Harry: You'd like to book a table for three by the window for 9.30 PM, not too near the band, in the name of Obel-ointment Fungentula. Yes, yes, I think you might have the wrong number. Alright. (hangs up; enter Hermione)

Hermione: Rather close line there, eh sir? That phone system is a shambles no wonder we haven't had any orders!

Harry: Oh, on the contrary, Hermione, we've had plenty of orders. We have orders for six meters of Hungarian crushed velvet curtain material, four rock salmon and a ha'pence of chips and a cab for a Mr. Redgrave picking up from 14 Arnost Grove ring top Bell.


Hermione: Rather we don't want those sort of orders, we want orders to death or glory. When are we going to give Voldemort a taste of our British spunk?

Harry: Hermione, please. No one is more anxious to advance than I am, but until I get these communication problems sorted out, I'm afraid we're stuck. (phone rings) Captain Harry speaking.....no, I'm afraid the line's very cclllffffhhtttt!

Draco: Hello? Hello, Captain Harry, hello?

(a German accent pops up; really Harry. He rustles paper, pretending the re-ception's lousy.)

Harry: Schenll, schenll, Die Koppeltop,

Draco: I said, there's a terrible line at my end. You are to advance on the death eaters at once.

(puts on a record) "A wandering minstral eye in the...(record goes off, Harry speaks) ..on Gail Force Eight.

Hermione: I say, come on, sir, what's the message? I'm on tenderhooks, do tell!

Harry: Well, as far as I can tell, the message was, "he's got a terrible lion up his end, so there's an advantage to an enema at once."

Hermione: ****!

(enter Ron)

Ron: Message from HQ, sir.

Hermione: Ah, now, this should be it. A owl post ordering an advance!

Harry: Ummm yes, I'm afraid not, Hermione, it is an owl post, it is ordering an advance, but it seems to be addressed to 'Catpain Harret'. Do you know a 'Catpain Harret', Hermione?

Hermione: Well, it rings a bell, but I..

Harry: Ouhh.....nope, me neither. (throws message away)

Hermione: Oh well.



Harry: Look, go away Hermione, I'm sure if they want to contact us, they'll find a way.

Ron: Owl, sir, Owl, there's a owl in our trench!

Hermione: Ah, now, this'll be it! (goes outside) Yes, it's one of Dumbledore’s own carrier owls.

(all go outside)

Ron: No, it isn't, that owl couldn't carry Dumbledore! Hasn't got a tray or anything.

Harry: Ron, wand please.

Hermione: Oh now, sir, you really shouldn't do this you know!

Harry: Come on Hermione, with 50,000 wizards getting killed a week who's going to miss one owl? (curses the owl dead)

Hermione: Well, not you, obviously, sir.



Harry: In any case, its's scarcely a court martial offence. Get plucking, Ron.

Ron: Alright, sir. Look, it's got a little ring 'round it's leg, there's a novelity!

Hermione: Oh really, is there a paper hat as well?

Ron: No, but there's a joke. Read it out, sir.

Hermione: It's a bit charred. Something something at once..PS, due to communication crisis, the cursing of carrier owls is now a court-martial offence. I don't see what's so funny about that, sir.

Harry: That's not funny, it's deadly serious, we're in trouble. So, I shall eat the evidence for lunch and if anyone asks you any questions at all, we didn't receive any messages and we definitely did not curse this plump breasted owl.

(at Harry's quarters...Harry just had the owl for lunch.)

Harry: Umm..delicious.

(enter Dumbledore and Draco)

Dumbledore: Eahy, Harry!

Draco: Attention!

Dumbledore: And why, Captain, are you not advancing across No Man's Land?

Harry: Well, sir, call me a bluffo traditionalist, but I was always taught to wait for the order to attack before attacking.

Dumbledore: Are you trying to tell me you haven't received any orders? What the hell are you playing at, Draco?

Draco: That's a flagrant lie, sir. I spoke to Harry less than an hour ago.

Harry: Yes you did. To tell me some gobbledygook about having a lion up your bottom.

Dumbledore: Hmm...As I thought, it's the old communications problem again. Stand easy. Action on this is imperative, take that down, Draco.

Draco: Yes.

Dumbledore: And also make a note of the word “gobbledygook”. I like it – I want to use it more often in conversation.


Draco: I must say sir, I find this all very unlikely. As you'll recall, we sent him an Owl Post as well.

Harry: Did you?

Draco: Are you telling us you haven't had an owl, Harry?

Harry: Not in this lifetime…

Dumbledore: You must have done – we sent my best owl – “Speckled Jim", my only true love who's been with me since I was a nipper! Any way, down to business, I'm giving you your order to advance now. Syncronise watches gentlemen. Private, what is the time?

Ron: We didn't receive any messages and Captain Harry definitely did not curse the delicious plump breasted owl, sir.

Dumbledore: WHAT???????

Harry: You want to be cremated, Ron or buried at sea?

Ron: (thinking it over) Umm....

Draco: Lieutenant?

Hermione: Sir.

Draco: Do you mind answering a couple of questions?

Hermione: Not at all, sir. We didn't get any messages and Harry definitely did not curse this delicious plump breasted owl.

Harry: ****….

Draco: And look sir, owl feathers. White feathers very apt, eh Harry?

Dumbledore: White feathers?

Ron: Oh no, sir, that's gobbleijuke! They're not white, they're sort of speckly!

Dumbledore: (shocked) Speckly?! AAHHHHHHHH! YOU SHOT MY SPECKLED JIM???

Draco: You're for it now, Harry. Quite frankly sir, I've suspected this for some time. Quite clearly, Captain Harry has been disobeying orders with a breathtaking impertinence.




Dumbledore: I don't care if he's been rogering the Duke of York with a prize- winning leak! He cursed my pigeon! (screams) AAAHH AHHHH OOOHHHH!

Draco: Take it easy. I think we should do this by the book, sir.

Dumbledore: Yes, yes, you're right, of course. I'm sorry. Attention!

Draco: (drums are heard in the background) Captain Harry, as of this moment you may consider yourself under arrest. You know what the penalty is for disobeying orders, Harry?

Harry: Umm..court-martial, followed by immediate cessation of chocolate rations?

Draco: No, court-martial followed by immediate death by dementors.

Harry: Oh, so I got it half right.


(at the cell)


Tonks: (Harry's guard) Sadder than a happy hour then, sir? Wave all our last goodbyes.

Harry: Oh, no need for that, Tonks, I'll just dash off a couple of notes, one asking for a sponge bag, and the other sending for my lawyer.

Tonks: Oh, your lawyer now, yes sir. Don't you think that might be a bit of a waste of money, sir.

Harry: Not when he's the finest mind in Wizarding legal history. Ever heardof Bob Mattingburg?

Tonks: Oh, yes indeed, sir! A most gifted gentleman!

Harry: I remember Mattingburg's most famous case, the case of the bloody wand. A man was found next to a murdured body, he had the wand in his hand, thirteen witnesses that seen him curse the victim, when the aurors arrived he said, "I'm glad I killed the ****." Mattingburg not only got him off, but he got him knighted in the New Year's Honors list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket.

Tonks: He’s a dab hand at the prosecution as well, sir.

Harry: Yes, well, look at Charlie Weasley.

Tonks: Good old, butch, Charlie.


Harry: A big, bearded, bonking, butch Charlie. The terror of the ladies. 114 illegitamate children, world heavyweight boxing champion, and author of the best-selling phamplet, "Why I Like To Do It With Girls". And Mattingburg had him sent down for being a whoopsie! (enter Ron) Ah, Ron. Anything from Mattingburg yet?

Ron: Yes, sir. It just arrived, sir.

Harry: What is it?

Ron: Sponge bag, sir.

Harry: A sponge bag.

Harry: Ron, I gave you two notes. You sent the note asking for a sponge bag to the finest mind in wizarding legal history.

Ron: Certianly did, sir!

Harry: And you sent the note requesting legal representation to...

(enter Hermione)

Hermione: Well, tally-ho, with a bing and a bong and a buzz-buzz-buzz! (THUMP!)

Harry: ****…

Hermione: I'll tell you, apart from all, sir, that I am deeply, deeply honored.

Harry: Ron, I'll deal you later. Am I to understand that you are going to represnt me at the court-martial?

Hermione: Absolutly, sir. Well, it's a sort of family tradition, really. My uncle's a lawyer, you know.

Harry: Your uncle's a lawyer, but you're not.

Hermione: Oh, good lord, no. I'm absolute duffer at this sort of thing. In the Hogwarts basing society, I was voted the girl least likley to complete a coherent...um...an oops...yes, anyway, my dear old friend, its an honor to serve.

Harry: Hermione, I'm in trouble here. I need to construct a case thats as watertight as a mermaid's bra. I'm not sure your particular brand of mindless optimism is going to contribute much to the proceedings.

Hermione: Well, that's a shame, sir, because I was planning on playing the mindless optimisim card very strongly.

Harry: I beg your pardon?

Hermione: Yes, I've already planned my closing address based on that very thing. “Oh, go on, let him off, your honor, please! It's a lovely day. Pretty clouds, trees, birds, etc. I rest my case.”

Harry: So, council, with that summing up in mind, what do you think my chances are?

Hermione: Well, not all that good I'm afraid, as far as I can tell you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.

Harry: ****…


(in the court room; Harry's trial is taking place)


Hermione: (walking in) Crikey! So sorry I'm late, my luv.

A voice: 'allo.

Hermione: But anyway, let me open up my defence straight away, by saying that I've known this man for 17 years, he's an absolutely gawking chap.

Harry: Hermione?

Hermione: Yes, sir?

Harry: That's the clerk of the court.

Hermione: Is it? Oh!

Harry: We haven't started yet.


(enter Draco)


Draco: Good luck, Harry.

Harry: Well, thank you, Draco. And what's your big job here today? Straightening chairs?

Draco: No, in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution. I wouldn't raise your hopes too much, you're guilty as hell, you haven't got a chance.

Harry: Why thank you, Draco. And I hope your mother dies in a freak quidditch accident.

Draco: Just doing my job, Harry. Obeying orders, and of course, having enormous fun into the bargain.

Harry: I wouldn't be too confident if I were you, any reasonably impartial judge is bound to let me off.

Draco: Well, absolutely.

Harry: Who is the judge, by the way?

Dumbledore: (boldly) Me!

Harry: I'm dead.

Dumbledore: Well, come on, then. Come on. Get this over in five minutes, and then we can have a spot of lunch. (some noise from the others) The court is now in session, Albus Percival Brian Wulfric Dumbledore in the chair. The case before us is that of the ministry vs. Captain Harry Potter, the flanderous owl murderer! Oh, uh hand me the black cap, I'll be needing that.

Harry: I love a fair trial.

Dumbledore: Anything to say before we kick off, Captain Draco?

Draco: May it please the court, as this is clearly an open and shut case, I beg leave to bring a private prosecution against the defence council for wasting the court's time.

Dumbledore: Granted. Council, she is fined fifty pounds for turning up.

Hermione: This is fun! This is just like a real court!

Dumbledore: Alright! Let the trial begin! The chagre before us is that the flanderous owl murderer did deliberately, callously, and with beastliness of forethought murder a lovely, innocent owl…. and disobeyed some orders as well. Is this true?

Hermione: Perfectly true, sir. I was there.

Harry: Thanks Hermione.

Hermione: Oh, ****.

Dumbledore: Right. Council for the defence, get on with it.

Hermione: Oh, right, yes, right. Um, yes. I'd like to call my first witness….. Captain Draco.



Dumbledore: You wish to call the council for the prosecution as a defence witness?

Hermione: That's right. (aside) Don't worry, sir, I've got it all under control. You are Captain Draco of the Ministry of Magic?

Draco: I am.

Hermione: Captain, leaving aside the incident in question, would you think of Captain Harry as the sort of man that would usually ignore orders?

Draco: Yes, I would.

Hermione: Ah, um. You sure? I was rather banking on you saying no.

Draco: I'm sure. In fact, I have a list of other orders he's disobeyed, if it would be useful. November 16th, 9:15am, 10:23am, 10:24am, 11:17am...

Hermione: You missed one out, there.

Draco: ...10:30am, 11:46am...

Harry: Hermione!

Hermione: What? Oh, oh ye-ye-right, yes. Thank you, Captain. No further questions.

Harry: Well done, Hermione. You really had him on the ropes.

Hermione: Don't worry. I have a last and I think you'll find decisive witness. Call Private Ron.

Harry: (to Ron) Deny everything, Ron.

Hermione: Are you Private Ron?

Ron: NO!

Hermione: Um, but you are Captain Harry's batman?

Ron: NO!

Hermione: Come on, Ron. Be a bit more helpful, it's me!

Ron: No it isn't!

Draco: Sir, I must protest!



Dumbledore: Quite right! We don't need your kind here, Private. Get out. Sum up, please.

Hermione: Oh, right, yes, uhhhh, oh.....Uh, gentlemen, you have heard all the evidence presented here today, but in the end it is up to the conscience of your hearts to decide, and I firmly belive, that like me, you will conclude that Captain Harry is in fact, totally and utterly, GUILTY

Harry: Hermione…(turns paper over)

Hemione: (looks at paper and jumps up)…..of nothing more than trying to do his duty under difficult circumstances.

Dumbledore: Nonsence! He's a hound and a git, and he's going to be killed! However, before we proceed to the formality of sentancing the deceased…. I mean the defendant, (laughs) I think we'd all rather enjoy the case of the prosecution. Captain Draco, if you please.

Draco: Sir, my case is very simple. I call my first witness, Albus Dumbledore

Dumbledore: Ah..hmm! (goes up to the stand)

Hermione: Clever, clever…

Draco: Sir, did you own a lovely, plump, speckily owl called Speckled Jim, which you hand reared from a chick and which was your only childhood friend?

Dumbledore: (hysterical) Yes! (calmer) Yes, I did.

Draco: And did Captain Harry shoot the aforementioned owl?

Dumbledore: Yes, he did!

Draco: (shouts) Can you see Captain Harry anywhere in this courtroom?

Dumbledore: (overwrought, pointing his finger at Harry) YES, THAT'S HIM!!! THAT'S THE MAN!!!!! AAHHHHH AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Draco: No more questions, sir.

Dumbledore: Very good, excellent, first class. Carry on. I therefore have absolutely no hesitation in announcing that the sentence of this court is: that you Captain Harry Potter be taken from this place and suffer death by a dementors kiss tommorow at dawn. (bangs gavel). Do you have anything to say?

Harry: Yes, can I have an alarm call, please?




(at the cell)


Tonks: Someone to see the Captain?

Harry: What does he look like?

Tonks: Short, ugly...

Harry: Hello Ron.

Ron: I brought you some food, sir, for your final breakfast tommorrow.

Harry: Ah, so you're not pinning much hope on a last minute reprieve then.

Ron: No sir, you are as dead as some doo-doos.

Harry: The expression, Ron, is 'as a do-do'. 'Dead as a do-do'.

Tonks: Well, I'll leave you to it then, shall I? (leaves)

Ron: Do not despair, sir. All my talk of food was just a dead herring. In fact, I have a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape kit.

Harry: Good Lord! A saw, a hammer, a chisel, a wand, a change of clothes, a Swiss passport, and a huge false moustache, I may just stand a chance.

Ron: Ah....

Harry: Let's see, what have we here? A small painted wooden duck.

Ron: Yeah, I thought if you get caught near water, you can balance it on the top of your head as a brillaint disguise.

Harry: Right…, I would, of course, have to escape first. Ah, but what's this, unless I'm much mistaken, a hammer and a chisel?

Ron: You *are* much mistaken!

Harry: A pencil and a miniature trumpet.

Ron: Yes, a pencil so you can drop me an owl post to tell me how the break out went and a small little tiny miniature trumpet in case during your escape, you have to win favour with a difficult child.




Harry: Ron, I don't want to spend my last precious hours rummaging through this feeble collection of stocking-fillers. Now let me ask you some simple questions: is there are a saw in this bag?

Ron: No.

Harry: A hammer?

Ron: No.

Harry: A chisel?

Ron: No.

Harry: A Wand?

Ron: No.

Harry: A false passport?

Ron: (thinks) No.

Harry: A change of clothes?

Ron: Yes sir, of course I wouldn't forget a change of clothes.

Harry: Ah, now that's something, let's see.....a Robin Hood costume.

Ron: I put in a French peasant's outfit first, but then I thought 'What if you arrive in a French peasant's village and they're in the middle of a fancy dress party?'

Harry: And what if I arrive in a French peasant village, dressed in a Robin Hood costume and there *isn't* a fancy dress party?

Ron: Well, to be quite frank sir, I didn't consider that eventuality, because if you did, you'd stick out like a.....

Harry: (interrupting) Like a man standing in a lake with a small painted wooden duck on his head?

Ron: Exactly!


(re-enter Tonks)





Tonks: Excuse me, sir.

Harry: Alright. Aaahhmm, thank you, Ron, we'll finish this picnic later.

Ron: (rather loudly) YUM YUM! (exits)

Tonks: Do you mind if I disturb you for a moment, sir?

Harry: No, no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week. Let's see, Thursday morning, get kissed, yes, that's about it, actually.

Tonks: It's just there's a few chaps out here would like a bit of a chinwag.

Harry: Oh, loveley. Always keen to meet new poeple.

Tonks: Corpral Jones and Privates Spacer, Robinson, and Tipperwick

All: Hello

Harry: Oh, nice of you to drop by. And what do you do?

Dementor Leader: We're your dementors, sir.

Harry: Of course you are.

Dementor 2: Good sized lips.


Dementor Leader: Shut up, lad.

Dementor 2: Sir!

Dementor Leader: You see, us dementors are a bit like taxmen, sir, everyone hates us, but we're just doin' our job, 'aven't we, lads?

Harry: My heart bleeds for you.

Dementor Leader: Well, sir, we kiss to please. Just a Dementor joke there,sir! You see, sir, we take pride in the termanatory service we supply. So, is there any particular area you'd like us to go for, hmm? We can kiss anywhere.

Harry: Well, in that case, just above my head might be a good spot.

Dementor Leader: You see, a laugh and a smile, and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem quite so bad after all, does it sir?

Dementor 2: No, and a lovely roomy soul.



Dementor 3: A good pulse and jugular, there as well.

Harry: Look, I'm sorry, I know you mean to be friendly, but I hope you won't take it amiss if I ask you to sod off and die.

Dementor Leader: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough, 'course not, sir. No one likes being kissed first thing in the morning, do they? No, no, no, So, look foreward to seeing you tomorow, sir. You'll have a blindfold on of course, but you'll recognize me. I'm the one that says, "Ready, aim, kiss!"

Harry: Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word "aim" and the word "kiss"? Thirty or forty years, perhaps?

Dementor Leader: Ahh, wish I could pause, sir. I really wish I could, but I can't, you see, cos I'm a gabler, you see.


Dementor Leader: (stupidly quickly) Readyaimkiss!! See sir, sorry I couldn’t be more help

Harry: ****…


(Firing Squad leaves)

Harry: Perfect! I wonder if anything on earth could depress me more?

(enter Ron)


Ron: Excuse me, sir?

Harry: Of course it could.

Ron: I forgot to give you this letter from Lieutenant Hermione, sir.

Harry: (sarcastically) Ahh! Oh, joy! What wise words from the world's greatest defence counsel. (reads letter) 'Dear Mother,'......unusual start, (continues) 'thanks for the case of Scotch.' You've excelled yourself, Ron. You've brought the wrong letter again!

Ron: Ohh yeah, she did write two.

Harry: Yes, her mother's about to get a note, telling her she's sorry she's going to be kisses in the morning.....while *I* have to read this drivel. (reads further) 'Hope Celia thrives in the Pony Club trials and that little Freddy scores a century for the first eleven'. (aside) You can't deny, it's a riveting read...uhhh, 'Send my love to Uncle Rupert', (aside) who'd have thought it, Mad Uncle Rupert, Minister of War. Power of life or death over every bally wizard in the army.
Hang on a minute.....this is it! All Hermione has to do is send him an owl and he'll get me off. (in a pleasant tone) Ron, I love you! I want to kiss your cherry lips and nibble your shell-like ears. I'm freeeee!


(at Harry's quarters, Hermione is moping)

Hermione: I'm useless, useless!

Ron: Hermione!

Hermione: Hello Private, how's the Captain?

Ron: He's absolutely fine, but..

Hermione: uhh, you're just trying to cheer me up. I know the truth. He hates me cos I completely arsed up his defence.

Ron: Yes, I know, but..

Hermione: I'm thick, you see. I'm as thick as the big-print version of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens. If only I could've saved him. If only!

Ron: But you can…

Hermione: What, how?

Ron: You send an owl.

Hermione: Of course! I send an owl.

Ron: Yeah!

Hermione: Who to?

Ron: To the person in the letter.

Hermione: What letter?

Ron: To your mother.

Hermione: I send an owl to my mother?!

Ron: No!

Hermione: No!

Ron: You send an owl to the person in the letter to your mother.



Hermione: Who was in the letter to my mother?

Ron: I can't remember!

Hermione: Well, think, think!

Ron: No, you think think!

Hermione: Well, I ahh...Stay here, of course, the Pony Club Trials. Yes! See here, they can leap over the walls over the prison and save him.

Ron: No, no!

Hermione: No, no, ahhhmm. Yes, cricket. Yes, I've got Cousin Freddie, of course. He can knock out the dementors with his cricket bat.

Ron: No, there's someone else!

Hermione: (excited) Oh well, who!?

Ron: I don't know.

Hermione: Well, neither do I!

Ron: Well, think!

Hermione: You think!

Ron: You think that!


(both continue arguement, then....Ron hits hermione with his wand)


Hermione: No, it hasn't helped.

Ron: Yes it has! Your Uncle Rupert who's just been made Minister of War.

Hermione: Of course. Uncle Rupert shall be made Minister of War. Ron, I'll, I'll send him an owl and he'll, he'll pull strings and scratch backs and fiddle with nobs, and....

Ron: HURRAY!

Hermione: Well, I got there in the end, eh Ron?

Ron: Oh, just about…


Hermione: Ah, I think this calls for a celebration, don't you? What about a toss of old FireWhiskey, which Mum has just sent over? I drink a toast, don't you, to Captain Harry and freedom!

Ron: Captain Harry and Freedom, sir.


(outside, where Harry is to be executed; Dawn, a **** crows)


Harry: 'Morning.

Dementors (all): 'Morning.

Tonks: I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls.

Harry: Prehaps later. (to Dementors) How are you doing?

All: Very well, good.

Harry: Robinson, good to see you.

Dementor “Robinson”: Good to see you, too, sir.

Harry: Ahh, Corporal, how's the voice?

Dementor “Corporal” (referred to as Leader in an earlier scene): Excellent, sir.

Harry: So the posts not arrived yet, has it Tonks?

Tonks: Oh no, sir.

Harry: So, where do you want me?

Dementor Corporal: Well, up against the wall is traditional, sir.

Harry: Course it is. Ah...this side or the other side? (all laugh) No messages waiting, Tonks?

Tonks: Oh, I'm afraid not, sir. Oh well.

Dementor Corporal: Alright, lads, line up.

Harry: Yes, uahh...now look, I think there might have been a bit of a misunderstanding, you see. I was expecting an owl.

Dementor Corporal: ATTENTION!


Harry: Quite an important one, actually.

Corporal: TAKE AIM!

A voice: Stop!

Harry: I think that's what they call 'the nick of time'.

Voice: Letter for the Captain.

Harry: Of course it is. Read it please.

Voice: Eh, 'here's looking at you. Love from all the boys in the kissing squad.'

Dementor Corporal: (to other dementors) You soft ****, you!

Dementor 2: After all we've got, I couldn't resist it.

Harry: (sarcastically) How thoughtful!

Dementor Corporal: ATTENTION!

Harry: Now look, ah, something has gone spectacularly badly wrong.

Dementor Corporal: TAKE AIM!

Harry: Ron, you're mincemeat…..


(at BA's quarters)



Hermione: (awaking) Oh, my head! Ah, my head! Feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers society at Hogwarts. I misheard the rules and pushed a whole banana into my earhole.

Ron: Permission to die, sir.

Hermione: Oh! Bu-bu-bu-what started this drinking? Oh, yes, well,we were celebrating getting Captain Harry off scot...(realises it's too late) free. Oh my sainted trousers, we forgot!

Ron: Oh whoops.

Hermione: Oh no. He's dead, you see. He's dead dead dead because we're a pair of selfish so and so's....(despairingly) oh, course, if I had a rope, I'd put it around my neck and bally well hanged myself until it really hurt.


(Harry walks in)

Harry: Hi, Hermione, 'morning, Ron. Still the striking resemblence to guppie fish at feeding time. Yep, it arrived in the nick of time.

Hermione: Oh, excellent!

Harry: Ah, so you've got the FireWhiskey out, haven't we?

Hermione: Oh, well, well, of course, sir, yes. We wanted to lay on a bit of a bash for your safe return, ah..here you go. (gives Harry a drink, laughs nervously)

Harry: Actually, there was a second telegram that arrived Hermione, addressed personally to you by your Uncle.

Hermione: Oh, thank you, I....(tries to get letter from Harry, who opens and reads it)

Harry: (reads) 'Hermione, my girl, Outraged to read in dispatches how that **** Dumbledore made such a pig-ear out of your chum Harry's court-martial. Have reversed the decision forthwith. Surprised you didn't ask me to do it yourself, actually.' Now this is interesting, isn't it?

Hermione: Uh, uhh, yes, well, I, you see, sir. Uh..the thing is..

Harry: You two got whammed last night, didn't you?

Hermione: We--well, well, no, uh, uh. not whammed exactly. A little tiddly, perhaps.

Harry: And you forgot the telegram to your Uncle!

Hermione: Well, n--n--n-no. Not, not, not completely. Partially, umm....Well yes, yes. Entirely.

Ron: I think I can explain, sir.

Harry: Can you, Ron?

Ron: (pause) No.

Harry: As I suspected. Now, I'm not a religious man, as you know. Henceforth, I shall nightly pray to the God, who killed Cain and squashed Sampson, that He comes out of retirement and gets back into practice on the pair of you!

(phone rings; Harry answers it)



Harry: Captain Harry. Ah, Captain Draco. Well, you know, some of us just have friends in high places, I suppose. Yes, I can hear you perfectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land, Code name: Operation Certain Death. yes, yes I think I have just the fellows. (hangs up; to Hermione and Ron) God is *very* quick these days.

Please leave a review in the Feedback Thread Here