Hi, here is the feedback thread for my fan fiction Dog Star, all about Sirius Black from age 11.
I always love reading feedback which can be anything from 'Madam Malkin's isn't next door to Eyelop's' to 'you need to refine your voocabulary'. I like to know what is both good and bad about my writing so I can improve it for the next time. I will reply to your critique.
The actual story can be found here: Dog Star

Many thanks and happy reading!

this story is amazing
I can't wait to see how Sirius' mother is going to react when she knows he is sorted into Gryffindor
waiting for the next chapter
so please please please post it soon

Thanks for commenting Beater! I try to update daily so the next part will be along very soon. As for Sirius's mother, well you can be certain she won't be as tame as a Howler!

This is a pretty good story so far. It left me very intrigued, and I am eager to read more. It says he is Sirius Black III. Is he the same Sirius as in the stories, or a new Sirius? I am a bit confused about that. Is the redhaired girl Lily? That is just my guess so far. Also, I thought Regulus was older than Sirius. Again, I am confused about the detail.

~Kel

BRoyals, thanks for pointing out about Sirius's name, I should have mentioned it. Sirius Black III is the same Sirius we know in the series, aka Harry's godfather. Since a lot of guesswork goes into creating the other three Blacks I thought it would be more authentic for Walburga to call Sirius by his official full name.
Regulus, as far as my research revealed, was born in 1961 and died in 1979 according to the Black family tree. According to Jo's FAQ section on her website, Sirius was 'around 22' when he was sent to Azkaban which would mean that he would have been born between 1st September 1959 and November 1959. Also, to attend Hogwarts in 1971 with James he would have had to be born at least before 1st September 1960.
As for the red haired girl, well she'll appear again soon

nice chapter
I'm happy that sirius had fun during his ride
the sorting will be shocking to anyone who knows the Black family
unfortunately they mad Lily angry
can't wait for your next chapter it's really great story

That was a pretty good chapter, but it bothered me a bit that it was sort of like in the 'real book'. It is nice that you put the same sort of thing in, and didn't change it, but it still made it a bit boring for me. Overall, I liked it, and I enjoyed reading the reactions from other students. I can't wait until they get to Hogwarts!

Thanks Beater and BRoyals for your comments.
Beater, you are certainly right about a shocking Sorting but the question is, shocking for whom?
BRoyals, thanks for your feedback on the DH excerpts. I want to be accurate in detail and true to Jo's work, it's sort of my tribute to her in a way to honour the hard work she put into the research and writing of the Harry Potter series. That's why I included it but I did change as much as I could except the dialog. But thanks for letting me know, it will make it predictable and boring to read the same old thing.

that was some show Sirius put up
but it was extremely interesting,
he'll be the most known person in Hogwarts and it's not even his first day yet

Oh my goose, this was a good chapter. I didn't expect that to happen. That was a good twist. Like Beater said, Sirius is going to be the most well known student in the school. Dumbledore is so nice, giving him another chance. Just the sort of thing I would expect him to do. And Sirius is already starting to make some friends. That's nice. I can't wait to read what happens next.

It is nice that you are tributing JKR like that, and I do like that excerpt, but it just makes it a bit boring when I kind of know what happens. I still like reading it over, so you can stick them in later in the story as you need.

Many thanks again to Beater and BRoyals for your encouraging feedback.
I'm glad and quite surprised you enjoyed the chapter, I didn't think too much of it to be honest.
It's good to know what you want as a reader and I'll do my best to accomodate your tastes. I hope you'll understand though that I feel it necessary to include some of these book excerpts. It's also a way for me to link my fanfic to the main stories. But there won't be anymore for a while as, if I remember correctly, the next ones take place when they sit their owl's.
I think if you liked that chapter you'll really love what comes next! Thanks for reading!

So, we finally see the beginnings of the marauders. See them all in the story at least. Holy guacamole! That was some fit Sirius' mother threw. I wasn't expecting that, but then I hadn't yet considered what she would do when she found out. It's nice to have people sticking up for Sirius. Someone has to. This really was an interesting chapter. As per usual, I can't wait to see what happens next. You really are an amazing author.

BRoyals,
many thanks for your wonderful feedback! It really gives me a great boost to read your feedback, and most especially to read that you enjoy my writing! I'm really glad you enjoyed that chapter, for some reason I found it difficult to write but it was fun at the same time to tell how James would help Sirius rebel against his mother.

The next chapter will be up in a couple of hours. Many thanks once again and I hope you will get more pleasure out of reading the stories as they progress!

p.s. I love your wee Holy guacamole!, that really made me laugh!

p.p.s your post has me squeeeeeeing all the way to the moon!^^ you've given me an author's high!

Well, you have another fan! I started reading and couldn't stop! And I had a lot of reading to do. You've posted a lot of chapters in a short amount of time! I wish I was as dedicated as you!

Wow! Sirius was sorted into Slytherin first! That's so cool how he stood up and sort of 'demanded' to be sorted again. At first I freaked out cause I knew he is in Gryffindor. And I like how he met Lily and James on the train. Glad they get to stick together. Oh I was excited when they all introduced themselves in the dormitory. All the marauders uniting! Hooray! I love this!

Jeepers! That was some fit his mother threw. Dear me, it makes my head spin. But I didn't really expect her to approve anyway.

You're a really great writer! All the details make it so easy to read and understand. Could you please let me know when you update again? I hope it's soon!

Keep up the good work!

-Chelsea

I love how you show the characters: they are like I expected them to be, which is good. The maruaders are certainly staring to form, and it is neat to 'see' them portrayed in their early years. I feel they are sort of being overly harsh with Severus, but that's how they were. That was an interesting spell Sirius used. it had quite an effect, didn't it? Slug Club! They have already been invited. Oooh. Is the full moon approaching? What will happen? Your portrayal the characters is down to the shirt button, and your vocabulary is amazing. This truly is a brilliant story, and well-written by a brilliant author.

P.S. Please don't squee all the way to the moon! I need you back on earth to write the story!

Nasuada
Thanks so much for reading! I'm really happy to hear you enjoyed it!
Is the posting a lot in a short space of time a problem? It's my first fanfic so I wasn't really sure how often to update so I post a chapter a day.
I try to post daily so another chapter will be up ina couple of hours.

It's really great to know that my writing is enjoyed by others - it's a real boost to me and my work!
If you feel I post too quickly please let me know.

Once again, many thanks and happy reading!

BRoyals,
thanks once again for your amazing feedback! Don't worry, I'm still on earth
I was a bit unsure about if I was making Sirius harsh enough with all his misgivings about rule-breaking but if you think so, then I'm getting my job done. As for Snape, I wouldn't feel too sorry for him anytime soon, especially after the next chapter.
Thank you for commenting on my vocabulary; I've had my nose stuck in a thesaurus since I could read!
The spell Sirius uses was fun to invent. It's latin like Rosier's first name. If you would like me to translate the latin words at any point let me know^^

Many thanks both of you, it really helps me write when I know it's going to be enjoyed by others^^

Hello Mr. HarryJPotter, you appear to be talanted
~
How wonderfull!
You are very good.
~
Poor wee sirius being
all attacked by his mother
And him being in Slytherin
first was a great twist
~
Mr./Ms. BRoyals is right,
you do have an
amazing vocabulary.
And i like how you
added in the
part from
"Deathly Hallow's" where
they meet severus
on the train. Good of you
to honour Mrs. Rowling's work
~
And you did
an amazing job
of inventing you're
own spell's, they are
truley fantasticle
~
"He moved with graceful ease,
like a dancer whose stage was
the world."
That is lovely
~
Please Keep Up
the splendid
work, hope you have a nice day
earth child
~
You must contiue to update or i may be foced to eat you're soul Mwahahahaa!
~
Peace.
~
EDIT:
Well Thank you very much! You definitaley deserve it!!!

siriuslyinlove,
thank you for the literaly bright words of encouragement!!! I love reading your posts, you're such a positive person!
I'm really glad you enjoyed the writing, I'll be updating in a few minutes as I'm just about finished the next chapter^^

I'm squeeeeeing so much I can't remember what I was going to say!!!!biiig hugs and thanks for your post!!!!

Hello Mr. HarryJPotter
~
Ahhh! nooo!
Sirius!
~
However will he get
himself out of this?
~
And the thing he saw?
interesting! What is it that is happening there?
~
This was another
admirable chapter
~
Please, let the
brilliance commence
~
Peace
*Chew's Arm*

P.S.: You may call me grace, if you wish

Magical link : )

Thanks Grace!

Hehe I love your posts, always so colourful^^ and your Pikachu sig is just tooo cute!!!!
Thanks for your comments again! I certainly plan to keep writing the story^^
Can I be so bold as to assume from your username that you are a siriusly obsessed Sirius fan or at least a moderateley obsessed Sirius fan? I've asked permission from the mods to start a Sirius club because I absolutely love Sirius!!!

You assume correclty A sirius fan club would be great!

This is really really cool. JK should be doing this to appease the fans. I really like how you've focussed on his early and formative years. It provides isnight into his adult life. He was such a complex character with great potential, its a shame he was "killed off". Will you be documenting life beyond the veil?

That was quite the vision Sirius had. I didn't know he could do that... I love Bertie Botts! It is neat you put them into the story. I love the spell you create, and the Latin you put in: keep going with that! Happy Birthday to Sirius Sounds like he had a great birthday. Well, aside for what happened at the end there. How could you stop it? I'm not feeling sorry for Severus any more, but I guess he had to get back at him. I don't think youpost the chapters too fast: it seems just right. One a day is a good thing to look forward to. Keep on writing. This story is really getting exciting, and is still written fantastically.

~Kel (You can use my name if you want)

P.S. If you started a Sirius Black fan club, I would join it!

Kel,
thanks once again for your feedback^^ I love Bertie Botts too! I used to, um, be naughty and skive school to see the films sometimes (I eventually lost count of how many times I went to see CoS) and my mum used to buy me chocolate frogs and Bertie Botts! But I haven't seen them sold for years where I am.
Hehe if I get permission to start the club it'll be fab to have you in there

Mama Doe!!!! hugs to you, joined at last you of all people know how much I hold out hope for an 8th book (and more) but I love Sirius so much that I wanted to hear more. And when you can't hear it from the author, you can make it up yourself! As for life beyond the veil - wait and see!

Thanks for the feedback everyone, the next chapter will be up in a few hours and I will also be posting links for accompanying fan art (if it's good enough ) so thanks for reading and enjoy what is yet to come!!!

Wow, I'd love to seen fan art, it would be wonderful to how you picture sirius as I for one did not like Gary Oldman's portrayal in the films. Don't be too harsh on Snape though as I have a wee soft spot for him I love your imaginative names as well, you could be related to JK

Doe, don't worry, I'm a Snape-a-holic myself! You might like to join the Severely Obsessed Snape Society if you're a Snape fan. The Link is in my signature under S.O.S.S.
Part of the reason I am writing about Sirius is because I wasn't happy about his protrayal in the films either or his premature demise in the books.

Hello young one
~
3 cheer's for
the almighty
giant squid!
How could severus do that?
~
Well it was
very good, of course.
I particularly enjoy you're
descriptive skill's!
Very rich detail
is always a good thing
~
Please, keep up the
brilliant work
~
Have a nice day.
*Hug's*
Peace.

Yaaaay Grace! big hugs to you and thanks for the wonderful words of praise as always!

And to further add to the euphoria - the Siriusly Devoted Padfoot Guild is now open!!!
It can be found here:
The Siriusly Devoted Padfoot Guild

Indeed three cheers for dear old Squidy!!! And if you think Snapeypoo was a bad boy, well there's a bigger bully in the playground.

Many thanks and happy reading!

Go Squidy! You saved the hero! So Sirius isn't going to tell anyone who it was. I guess they'll find out when they find Severus' body covered in hexes somewhere. Siruis really needs to curb that little temper. He also found out about Remus' "furry little problem." What will he do? And oh joy. The world is collapsing around them. They are in danger. Whoopdeedoo. <-- Bad attept at sounding non-chalant about it. What a cliffhanger! Please, please, post the chapter soon! I have to know what the danger is!

~Kel

Kel, thanks for your post!
I try and post daily so I hope you can hold out till then!

Yes! I love Squidy! I suppose you recognised the patronus message? Indeed, Sirius found out, the question is, how will the other two find out?

Many thanks for the post and happy reading!!!

I can't make out the message:( and I thought there was going to be fan art?
Bar that the last two chapters were very good, I like the way you've built the suspense and portray the hatred between the marauders and snape. Very immature stuff those boys get up but sometimes very funny. It really reads like JK's work, I'm impressed.

Yayyyyssss Mama! Hugs, you're so sweet!!!

I'm so sorry about the fan art but I'm having a real block drawing anything. The message pretty much says the same about my writing - basically an I'm really sorry for the delay in posting because my creativity has deserted me of late.

I'm trying to write like Jo because it's really her work I want to read but since she isn't writing more....
Yes, the marauders are pretty immature but what can we say? Three of them are 11 and one is 12. Besides what would you do if someone had tried to kill you?

P.S. Mama, have you seen the Sirius club yet??

Great. I nearly forgot about ol' Voldy. I suppose he had to get in the story somehow. And that's the connect to Sirius' vision then? Oh boy. This is getting intense. Bad guy on the loose, full moon coming up, Sirius going crazy... You have to keep writing! This is so amazingly incredible. I can't come up with enough words to describe this story.

~Kel

Awwww Kel!!!! I'm squeeeeeing all the way to the moon!!!

Jo never really said when Voldiepoo's first uprising happened but I thought - no time likie the present!
Things sure are getting crazy!

The visions I really couldn't resist adding for a particular reason which I'll make clear - not for a while yet!!! Haha I plan to keep writing till Sirius's .... death! *cries eyes out* Oh and you'll soon find out that the connection of Sirius's vision is not actually to Voldie, rather to one of Voldie's actions... oooooohoooooooo.....

Ooh I liked the last chapter. What a shame for Remus though, he was always a favourite of mine. Slughorn is so funny too, I'm glad you've utilised his character, it sems to be a very exclusive Slug Club too. I'd have thought Lily Evens would be a member seeing as how Sluggy told Harry she was so talented in Book 6. Her and james' sniping is quite amusing too.

Thanks Mama!

Lily is currently not in Sluggy's good books which will be explained in the next chapter.
I'm almost finished a picture fo Sirius which I will link in the next chapter so double treat next time! Well I'll post the pic if it's good enough which I doubt.

Crickets and Creepers! This was quite the action-packed little thing. Full moon+werewolf friend+ kid who doesn't know anything about werewolves= beaten up. Poor Sirius. And poor Remus for not being able to control himself. So now they all know.
Just to let you know, you didn't capitalize Peter in this section.

I don't mean to be fussy, but I tend to catch little things like that.
The Slug Club is so funny! It is just like in HBP: the characters just right. Wonderful work!
And now another dream. Quite terrifying. In the middle of everyone as well.
I'm sure your picture of Sirius will be fine. I'm not a professional critic.
~Kel

Kel, thanks for your feedback ^^

Thanks for pointing out the lack of capital letter, I really hate doing that sort of thing... well I am a specky wee git so I am bound not to spot something sometimes - shame on me!

I thought it was a pretty crap chapter but I'm glad if you enjoyed it, thanks again Kel^^

I love the new chapter and the references to Egypt, realm of mystery. I'm so dumb though and I can't yet see the signifigance. But I love your style of writing, Sirirus seems quite lonly and vulnerbale too at times, an interesting insight into the would be dare-devil.

So either there is some important connection to Eygpt that we will find out later, or it is just a red herring lead to confuse me. I can't figure out which it is yet. I love the impromtu history lesson. The Astronomy lesson was funny--Peter always manages to make a fool of himself. And then he makes it up by cleverly jinxing Severus. I still feel sorry for Sirius and Remus. How long will it affect their friendship? Forever? And Rosier is freakish. What is he up to? Wait! I have an idea. Isn't he a Death Eater? Dundundun... Vous êtes étonnant! (Practice French. Translation: You are amazing!)

~Kel

I love egyptology so discovering a certain element in my story which is key in egyptian lore was like - almost as good as an eighth Harry Potter book.

If you can't see the significance Mama then I am doing my job.

I'm glad you like my style^^ I like my style too. Sometimes ^^'

Poor Sirius, we will see how he handles the next few hurdles.

I'm horrible for not giving feed back for so long
I had a lot of things in mind
the story is getting more interesting with every chapter
wonder what Rosier wants? it can't be a good thing
you're really doing a very good job with this story

aw Beater, don't be so hard on yourself, it's really sweet of you to stop by and post, let alone read all that waffle I post every night.

It's great you are enjoying it! I'm certainly doing my job if you can read it without falling asleep

Kel, I'm so sorry!!! I didn't see your post there!!! *shame on me*
Red heering! As if Everything has a purpose in my stories^^

here's a hint though: of the three quotes that Rosier recites two are of muggle origin and the other was made up by me, let's see you figure them out^^

Also, you may have heard the name Cornelius Agrippa in Jo's books or possibly in the games on wizard cards. He was a real person who lived between 1400s and 1500s. And I couldn't believe it when his name jumped out in my research!!!

I swear this is the biggest ever coincidence but whatever I research seems to be linked with the mystery in the story.

But that's another day^^

Ooh that new chapter is by far the most exciting and suspensful yet. I love and hate the cliffhangers, I'm gagging for more. I did previously see the connection between the canis family and sirius due to the star names and I think I might know the whereabouts of the tomb and whom it contains. This is getting very exciting. Its good to see a slytherin ally too.

Hehe glad you like it^^
Hehe maybe I should mention that nothing is certain in my stories. But you must all have realised that by now.
Yes I agree it's nice that a Slytherin is an ally for the good side. But like Snape and Regulus after him, he has to conceal his true allegiance.

NOTE: Callidus Rosier is a made up character and is not the same Rosier as mentioned by Jo. Jo's Rosier is called Evan Rosier.

On the line of exciting - you ain't seen nothing yet!

Yeah I was confused about Rosier at first. The Death eater alarm bells were ringing but then I realised that Even was the bad guy. Are they both at hoggywarts together? And what does Callidus mean and what are it's origins, latin perhaps?

Callidus means skilful, and clever, cunning and sly. admit when I gave Rosier his name I hadn't thought so far ahead but now the name can serve the purpose of leading people to the wron conclusion about him before the twelfth chapter.
Evan Rosier is the younger brother who starts Hogwarts in the say year as egulus. needless to say they both end up in Slytherin together.

I just finished reading, and as promised, I'm leaving some feedback.

At first, I thought that the story wouldn't have much to say, apart from the Marauders' adventures at Hogwarts, and their fight against Voldemort. However, I have to admit that I am rather intrigued by the ancient parchment story and "the brightest star". I am really curious to see what all this is about.

Good job on presenting the characters and on making us believe Callidus was a Death Eater.

Keep on writing; I can't wait to see how this goes!

Btw, remember to add the feedback link at the end of every chapter. It helps lazy readers, like myself.

~Alkisti

Thanks for the feedback Alkisti!!!
I will certainly remember the feedback link from now on, it's good to know what I can do to improve the reader's experience. There's a little something in the next chapter for you Alkisti which I will be posting in a round an hour^^

And if you liked the twists so far well thats nothing to what is coming^^
Thanks again and happy reading!!!

Thanks for the dedication Zachyoshi!

Oh I am so much more curious now to learn the whole tale. Maybe I'll go googling myself?

I promised not to bite, and I won't. It's actually λαμπερή αλήθεια. One letter wrong. Not that it matters really. Way to go on finding that though! If you need any help with translations or myths, let me know.

Keep them coming!