Now read.
My Five Stages
1: Denial and Isolation
“Lily!”
I didn’t respond. I stared at the door, hugging my knees tightly close to my chest.
“Lily, get out of there! NOW!”
I decided to be quiet. I pressed my lips hard together, trying to forget what had just happened. What had just happened, that didn’t happen, I was sure.
“LILY!” Sarah slammed her hand on the door. “If you do not open this door this instance, I’ll blow the door away, okay?”
“Don’t come in here!” I yelled. “I need to be alone.”
I heard her sigh. “What did you do?”
“Nothing! Go away!”
“Merlin!” she exclaimed and the next second the door sprung open. “Lily, you twit.” She eyed me a few seconds, then put her hands on her waist. “What did you do?”
“Me?” I asked. “Nothing.”
“Lily, I’m sick, not stupid. You came running and then locked yourself into the bathroom. Do not tell me something isn’t up. What did you do?”
“I didn’t do anything!” I yelled.
“Yeah, I know you’re lying.”
“What? No, I’m not!”
“Your voice is several octaves higher than usual, your cheeks are flushed, and you won’t even speak to me.”
“Yes, I will,” I disagreed. “So how has your day been?”
She pointed at me. “Vomit, sweat, bad taste, and coldness,” she said quickly. “Yours?”
“Fine,” I said with a shrug. “Nothing happened.”
She snorted loud. “As if I believe that.”
“Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“No.” She sat down on the bathroom floor. “This is my room today.”
“You have your bed.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Besides. You could just have not cast that illegal spell on Doreen Kennedy.”
“No, what would be fun about that?”
“Less backfire, less vomit?”
“Ahh.” She grabbed my arm, starting to drag me up. “Now, up you chicken, and tell me whose cat you ran over!”
“Go away.” I pulled my arm out of her hand and ran into the dorm. “I’m burying myself under my blankets, and you do not speak to me, okay?”
“No.”
“Leave!” I stuffed my pillow close to my ears, covering them up.
She laughed. “Fine, but you’re going to tell me what you did sooner or later.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Go away.”
“You go away. I’m sick, and my prerogative is to stay here.”
I rolled my eyes into my bed. “You sound so smart. Stop it!”
“Okay fine.” She sighed deeply. “I’ll read a book or something, waiting for you to confess.”
I didn’t answer.
2: Anger
“Lily, it’s been two hours! I’ve even gotten better. Come on!”
“I’m still not going anywhere or talking to anyone,” I answered shortly.
Suddenly my blankets were pulled away. “Up, you lazy little-!”
“Go!” I yelled pushing Sarah away.
She tumbled around on the floor. She sat up glaring at me. “You are the stupidest person I’ve ever known of.”
“Ahh, that’s not true.” I got up. “See you later. I’ve got things to do.”
Her mouth dropped open as I turned my back on her and stormed out. I slammed the door after me, and continued down to the common room. I didn’t look around before heading straight towards the portrait hole.
“Hey Evans!”
I nearly fell over as my legs crossed wrongly. I turned halfway. “I haven’t got time for you, Potter,” I answered shortly.
“Oi!” he grabbed for my arm.
I turned and wrenched my arm free. “Get away from me!”
“I just want to have a word with you abou-”
“I said –” I placed two hands on his chest “– get away from me!” I pushed him violently backwards.
He tumbled over an armrest and landed on the couch, then rolled onto the floor. “Eva-”
“Don’t talk to me!” I yelled.
I sent him a last glare before turning. I slammed the portrait behind me, and the Fat Lady yelled something I didn’t hear after me.
I rushed down a few corridors before I slowed down, first into a normal walk, then I stopped completely. I opened and closed my fists a few times, looking around.
“I need to destroy something,” I said, suddenly realising it. “I need to hit something.”
My eyes stopped at a broom closet a bit down the corridor. I hurried down to it and pulled the doors open with a violent jerk.
I grabbed the nearest broom and with a deep breath I grabbed the ends of the broom, snapping it. I threw the handle away and took the bottom part in both of my hands. With a deep breath and aimed for the wall, I swung the half broom. The sound echoed through the corridors. One more time. And yet another time. The broom snapped again. I threw the last little part away and grabbed a new broom. I started hitting a bucket with it. After only a few times, I’d made a hole in the bottom. I screamed shortly and started hitting the bucket again. After several minutes of screaming and hitting a bucket turned into a pile of tree I let the broom drop.
I took a few deep breaths, my shoulders moving up and down. I leaned against the wall and slowly slid down onto the floor. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back against the wall.
3: Bargaining
I slowly got up. I threw the last parts of the broom into the closet and left it. I walked until I’d nearly reached my goal. I clenched my teeth hardly, looking up the stairs. Maybe he wasn’t even up there...
I sighed and started climbing the stairs to the boys’ dorm. I waited less than a second when reaching the door. Then I slammed my hand flat against it.
“Potter!” I yelled. “I know you’re in there! You and your pathetic little friends! I want to have a word with you! Come out now!”
I was about to start hammering again when the door opened. Sirius looked out. I crossed my arms.
“Let me in or let Potter out,” I demanded.
“Mr. Prongs is unavailable at the current moment,” he said, straightening up. “Please come back later.”
He was about to close the door, but I stopped it with my hand. “I’m not kidding. Let me talk to him.”
“I’m sorry, Miss, I can’t allow that to happen. You’re obviously dangerous at the moment and we try to provide each other the highest security possible.”
“Sirius,” I threatened in a low, dangerous voice. “You let me in right now, or you’ll die trying to stop me.”
“I’m sorry, Miss, I-”
“Oh, Padfoot, just let her in.”
I smiled scornfully at Sirius before pushing him out of the way. I glanced around the room, letting my eyes stop at James at last. He sat in his bed, pillow and blankets behind him and a book in his hand.
“Are you done with the pushing?” he asked, putting the book aside.
I narrowed my eyes. “I came here to make a deal.”
“Is that so?” He smiled. “Talk freely.”
I looked around at his three friends. “Alone.”
His eyebrows rose up. “Alone?”
“Aha.”
“I don’t see that happening,” Sirius said, stepping to my side.
I turned to him. “Well, I do.” I looked at James. “Please?”
He took a deep breath, then nodded. “Okay, fine.”
“You’re serious, Prongs?” Remus asked.
James nodded. They left. I looked at the door for ten seconds before I turned, looking at James. He looked back at me.
“So?” he asked.
I stepped one step closer. “I want to make a deal.”
He frowned. “A deal?”
I nodded. “Yep. A deal. You let me cast a Memory Charm on you, and I will-”
“A what?” he asked, getting off of the bed. “A Memory Charm? You want to erase my memory?”
“Yes.” I clenched my teeth. “Recent events can’t – must not be remembered. They have to be forgotten.”
“Are you serious?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes. I know how to do it, I can do. You have to let me.”
A few seconds in silence passed. Then he laughed. He laughed hard, and had to be supported by the bed, not to tumble over. I crossed my arms, studying him.
“Stop LAUGHING!” I yelled suddenly.
He stopped, looking at me. “Oh, you actually are serious.”
“Yes, I am.”
“Forget It, Evans.”
I stepped one step closer. “Please.”
“Jeez,” he said with a snort. “Get over yourself, will you?” He laughed shortly again.
I balled my fists. “You’re an idiot, a really, really big idiot.” I stormed out before he could say another word.
I nearly burst into Sirius on the way. “Didn’t take much time,” he said with a smirk.
“Shut up,” I mumbled and continued.
4: Depression
The dorm was empty when I got there. Sarah was gone again, and none of the other girls were there either. I rushed to my bed and jumped into it. I picked up my blankets and wrapped them around me, hugging my knees in the same progress. Suddenly I noticed my vision was slightly blurred. I blinked and a single tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly dried it away, happy it was the only one. Very slowly I slid sideways and lay down in my bed, the covers still around me. I simply stared at the wall next to my bed.
Meanwhile, the clock next to my bed, ticked. It all slowly became one long monotone hour. The rain which had started falling outside, drummed against the window, the clock ticked, and the muffled voices from the common room. It became a sad melody.
Suddenly the door opened, and Sarah entered. She stood in the doorway for a long time before I heard her steps close in on me and my bed. She sat down on it, right beside me.
“Lily, are you okay?” she asked silently.
I didn’t answer. I simply sighed, closing my eyes.
“Seriously,” she said. “You’re acting as if someone died.”
“Close to,” I mumbled.
“You can talk to me you know.” She stroked my hair once.
I nodded. “I know.” I buried my head in the pillow.
After a few silent seconds she got up from the bed. “I’m getting you some pineapple. It always makes you happy.”
“Uhu,” I mumbled in response. I doubted very much this was ‘always’.
She exited the dorm with slow steps. I knew she was in much doubt about leaving me. I didn’t care. I looked up from the pillow again. I turned onto my back, and started staring at the ceiling.
Sarah was back after ten minutes. She had freshly cut pineapple in a little bowl. She put them on my nightstand and sat down next to me.
“Please tell me someone didn’t die,” she begged.
I smiled. “No, don’t worry. No people I know have died.”
“Here.” She handed me a piece of pineapple. “Eat.”
I did without complaining. “It’s good,” I said, looking at her. “It’s very ripe.”
She smiled and took a small piece herself. “You’re one very strange person, Lily.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
I looked down, sighing. I felt as if my face was a dead mask. I didn’t know how to smile. I wasn’t even sure I ever wanted to do so again.
We ate the rest of the pineapple in silence. When we’d finished, Sarah picked up the bowl and got up. She looked at me shortly.
“I’ll get this back to the kitchen. I hope to see a smile of yours when I get back.”
I nodded. When she had exited I slowly got up. I walked to the window and stared out at the Hogwarts grounds over which the darkness was slowly lowering. My eyes were immediately drawn to the lake. I frowned deeply as I watched the slow waves. Softly, as they made the shore, they spread unpredictably over the small stones and rocks. Very randomly.
5: Acceptance
I turned away from the window at once. I let a hand run through my hair and slowly exited the dorm. I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going to find him, but he had to be somewhere. James was never far away from me. It was a rule of the physics.
I looked around in the common room, but found him nowhere. I hurried up the stairs to the boys dorm, but after looking there, I had to admit I wasn’t going to find him there either. I sighed deeply and with my back at the door, I slowly sunk onto the floor. I leaned my head back, and looked upwards. Then I closed my eyes, sighing.
After a few minutes of silence, I heard steps. I opened my eyes slightly and looked down the small corridor, to see person I was actually waiting for. I smiled slightly.
“Hey,” he said and stuck his hands into his pockets. He stopped at my feet. “You’ve come to make more deals?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“What is it then?” he asked.
I didn’t answer. Slowly he squatted down in front of me. He looked at me a few seconds. Then he sat down next to me, his back at the door.
“Sorry I overreacted,” I said.
“Oh, you were just trying to erase my memory,” he said amused. “It’s so typical you, actually. I should have known.”
I nodded slowly. “I was shocked, I guess.”
He frowned at me. “Shocked?”
“Yes. I hadn’t thought I’d ever do such thing to you. But what surprised me and sent me into this rollercoaster ride of feelings was that it didn’t feel wrong.” I looked away.
“So you’re saying that it felt right, but that made it feel wrong?” he asked.
“Yeah, kind of.” I looked at him. “Does that make any sense?”
“Lily-Evans-kind-of-sense, yes.”
A small laugh escaped my lips. He looked at me, smiling softly. Then he slowly leaned his head back, looking upwards, as if thinking.
I pressed my lips together, studying him. “So...”
“So, so.”
He looked at me shortly. Then all of a sudden he got up. He offered me a hand. Looking at him, I grabbed the hand, letting him help me up. We both let go the second I stood up straight. He stuck his hands into his pockets, and as if having agreed, we both started walking down the corridor, towards the common room.
I stopped the second we got down there. Sarah was waiting for me, leaning against a couch, right next to Sirius. He was smirking widely. Sarah was still looking confused. James looked at me shortly, then left without another word, but I spotted a smirk on his lips before he was gone. He and Sirius left the common room.
Sarah walked to my side. “So I guess you’re going to tell me what happened?”
I shrugged. “James and I were having a Head meeting, and I got an owl. Good news from home... and he was the only one around... so I hugged him.”
Silence... Then...
“Nothing more?” she asked, looking at me. “You simply gave him a hug that lasted, what, half a second? That’s it?”
“Yep.” I nodded. “That’s it.”
*
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- Vicki