Full Version: Something Unforgettable
Please. coment. That's my first fanfiction and I'll be happy if you say something about it, whatever it is.
Yay! Another first posting, and another person who writes in the cool "Other Adults" section! Woot! And do I see some Voldy x Bella shipping!? Oooh, purties!
Anyways, I'm the local crazy; you can finds my fan fics in the "Other Adults" section, and they is titled "Shadows in the Dark" and "The Lost Years of the Hourglass" which is centered around Bellatrix, in case you were wondering aboot credibilities or anything as such. So, yes. Down to business, shall we?
Firstly, I heart the premise! Not just cause there're Death Eaters, and Voldy x Bella, and all that jazz, but because you left us with so many questions! She's obviously still being tormented by the Dementors, and from the way the Dark Lord is talking to her, it sounds like she hasn't been outside of Azkaban for that long, seeing as he's still comforting her and all. You can't give someone healing time for that long, really. So, what's the mission? That's the biggie. All in all, you set it up nicely for more chapters, especially since we have a fantastic taste, and now we're wanting something more.
I'm rather fond of the descriptions, if I must say so myself. They're very indepth, and creative; sadly, I think one of my favorite lines just doesn't work quite right, it needs some grammar editing. This line here of
All in all, the story itself has lots of promise; what it needs work on is the grammar. Far too often the grammar gets in the way of the comprehension. Also, the formatting is strange. I can tell that there are separate paragraphs and ideas in the story, however this needs to be shown visually by separating the paragraphs with say a space as I have been doing in this comment. This site makes it a tad hard to format as we would in say word, but it can be done. Also, the use of punctuation is a strange format; most people here would be more comfortable with the " " format, instead of the "- I'm glad Bella. 14 years have passed .. - Voldemort said and fell silent. " format, which I'm going to guess is European (reminds me of French formatting a tad, hence the guess) though I could and probably am totally wrong; that's been happening a lot today.
Anyways, if you want someone to edit, I wouldn't mind. I'm a college student, so I have no life anyways, and as you can see, am awake at ridiculous hours of the nigh day (its 5:42 am here). If not, here's also a link to the BETA post where you can ask for a beta or have one assigned you if you rather go that route.
Good luck and have fun! I know that was a long post and most likely not the most encouraging post ever (I'm good at that), but it can help to get those long rambling ones when you're stuck or not quite sure what you're going to do. As always, feel free to mail me (I'll double check, but all my info should still be correct), and keep writting!
~Aeryn~
Anyways, I'm the local crazy; you can finds my fan fics in the "Other Adults" section, and they is titled "Shadows in the Dark" and "The Lost Years of the Hourglass" which is centered around Bellatrix, in case you were wondering aboot credibilities or anything as such. So, yes. Down to business, shall we?
Firstly, I heart the premise! Not just cause there're Death Eaters, and Voldy x Bella, and all that jazz, but because you left us with so many questions! She's obviously still being tormented by the Dementors, and from the way the Dark Lord is talking to her, it sounds like she hasn't been outside of Azkaban for that long, seeing as he's still comforting her and all. You can't give someone healing time for that long, really. So, what's the mission? That's the biggie. All in all, you set it up nicely for more chapters, especially since we have a fantastic taste, and now we're wanting something more.
I'm rather fond of the descriptions, if I must say so myself. They're very indepth, and creative; sadly, I think one of my favorite lines just doesn't work quite right, it needs some grammar editing. This line here of
QUOTE
"The room was richly decorated - all was in the crystal, with many paintings, gold and silver goblets, colored carpet, a bed located in the middle of the room was large with satin blankets, in which a woman was nestled"
has quite a bit of promise, really. I'd personally edit it to QUOTE
"The room was richly decorated- the glint of crystal in the moonlight accented the many paintings and the gold and silver goblets, bringing light to the colored carpet, and drawing the eye to a bed in the middle of the room, where nestled in the large satin blankets, was a woman"
but maybe that's just me. All in all, the story itself has lots of promise; what it needs work on is the grammar. Far too often the grammar gets in the way of the comprehension. Also, the formatting is strange. I can tell that there are separate paragraphs and ideas in the story, however this needs to be shown visually by separating the paragraphs with say a space as I have been doing in this comment. This site makes it a tad hard to format as we would in say word, but it can be done. Also, the use of punctuation is a strange format; most people here would be more comfortable with the " " format, instead of the "- I'm glad Bella. 14 years have passed .. - Voldemort said and fell silent. " format, which I'm going to guess is European (reminds me of French formatting a tad, hence the guess) though I could and probably am totally wrong; that's been happening a lot today.
Anyways, if you want someone to edit, I wouldn't mind. I'm a college student, so I have no life anyways, and as you can see, am awake at ridiculous hours of the nigh day (its 5:42 am here). If not, here's also a link to the BETA post where you can ask for a beta or have one assigned you if you rather go that route.
Good luck and have fun! I know that was a long post and most likely not the most encouraging post ever (I'm good at that), but it can help to get those long rambling ones when you're stuck or not quite sure what you're going to do. As always, feel free to mail me (I'll double check, but all my info should still be correct), and keep writting!
~Aeryn~
^^
Thank u so much for your comment. It's my first fanfic and I didn't expect to be so good. Um, I read all u had written and yes - your advices are right.
About the grammar - I'm Bulgarian, in Europe, yes, and I have been learning English in a special language school last year, but for just one year I think my English is pretty good. I write in Bulgarian style - I'll always have that mistake cuz I'm not English.. but next time I'll try to write it better..
Thank u so much again and I have an idea now, so I'm starting writing. I'll read your fanfictions soon, I'm sure they'll be fantastic
Thank u so much for your comment. It's my first fanfic and I didn't expect to be so good. Um, I read all u had written and yes - your advices are right.
About the grammar - I'm Bulgarian, in Europe, yes, and I have been learning English in a special language school last year, but for just one year I think my English is pretty good. I write in Bulgarian style - I'll always have that mistake cuz I'm not English.. but next time I'll try to write it better..
Thank u so much again and I have an idea now, so I'm starting writing. I'll read your fanfictions soon, I'm sure they'll be fantastic
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