WOW! That's so good, looney lovegood is my idol!. I'm glad you're happy .

im-loveli-rli

alkisti! gosh so long! i missed you girl!!! so how are you?

looney lovegood is my idol! you don't know how happy i am for you! i know he's your dad but he deserves to be there! i'm glad things are better with your aunt! so now part of your healing process should be to forgive your parents for the damage caused! i'm serious because holding a grudge does damage too! tell me about it! i'm trying but i can't seem to do it so i hope you're more succesful than i! i send ya tons of hugs! you can beat this! take care!

so i'm alright i guess i haven't much to say today which is weird i'm just too tired
hugs for everyone! *hugs*

Okay so I'm not sure if this is really appropriate for me to post on this thread as I've never really posted here before but... I just wanted to thank you guys for writing some really interesting and thought provoking things. I'm a rather shy poster but I have read this thread pretty regularly and whenever I'm feeling upset coming here and seeing some of the things that you guys say really does make me feel better. Maybe I'll go back to lurking now, just wanted to say though that your posts have really helped me through some **** times.

*heads back and lurks in the shadows*

looney lovegood is my idol!, that sucks what your dad did to you!!!! My jaw dropped, but I am sssooo happy to hear that you are better now!! I (and all of us here) send you lots of hugs and good luck!!

Katie., I'm glad that we are able to help you, without giving you direct advice. You should post more often, we won't judge you, no matter what you have to say.

Hmm... can any of you guys watch movies with your mom and dad? I personally can't watch a movie with my mom without wanting to punch her, or say something that would wind up us getting into a yelling fight.

If anyone asks me whats wrong with my mom (by how she treats me) I can't think of anything important. As if she wipes my mind when I go back to my dads. But when I'm at my mom's it all comes back and things that I forgot about come back up.

If I say ow at something, just instinctively even if its a moments pain, my mom rolls her eyes and huffs (in an obvious way!) and says that she is sick and tired of me saying ow at everything (miss hypocryt!! (sp?)). P***es me off.

Oh well, sorry, I've vented, thanks for reading.

Later

Katie. we don't judge at all! this thread is about helping each other out! personally i love coming on here to hear word of kindness not harsh hurtful words! don't go back to the shadows now that we know you're here! we're all here for you with word of comfort when you need them!

Padfoot, Prongs and Moony i can watch movies with my parents because that involves my mother being quiet! you know it's weird when i watch a movie with my mom i get this feeling of "wow maybe i was imagining the way she treats me" but as soon as the movie ends it's back to the real world where she can't stand me. i can understand having issues with your mom because i have some similar ones with my mom. she thinks i'm attention seeking because i cough! very amusing actually i cough and she says "stop trying to get our attention" when i'm only coughing because i can't control it. so all i can say is it's usually just to be quiet and hear the rants coming from their mouth. the smile and nod technic hasn't failed me yet...

i had been considering moving out of my house before my brother leave but today i was reminded terribly i can't. my mom woke up in a mood i guess and well seeing as this time of year is always hard on me because it's been 4 years since my best friend died and seeing as i have so many other problems i just couldn't take her stuff so i was talking back to her. so my little brother got in it and he stood up for me when i decided to shut up and let her insult. she went at him and then when i was showering she told him how much he was turning into me and how she wanted kids but now that she sees how i am and how he's becoming how she wishes she hadn't had us... so yeah i'm a bit sad today. i wanna take a nap but i had to get my little bro out of the house before she got worse so now i'm at school hours before i had to come because i recently lost my job and i have nothing to do at home. moments like this make me wish i were someone else! gosh and so close to my birthday which i don't expect my mom to remember well maybe she will she'll remind me how much pain it was to have me and what i dissappointment i turned out to be

sorry i had to get that all out because it feels like i'm drowning again

hugs to you all! hope you are better than i!

stef

Gezz fany_monkey, that is very mean of your mom!! My mom just rants and yells which gets annoying, I tell her to stop then she has a go at me (oh no she didn't! lol). But seriously, your mom saying that kind of stuff to you?! That is mean!! But I do know what you mean about the "maybe I was just imagining how she treats me".... I feel like that everytime I go to my dads.

The strange thing is (or not so strange) is that my dad always tells me that my mom never wanted to have kids, and that he talked her into having me. She doesn't treat me like she doesn't want me, she just treats me as a person with no feeling, a ranting doll for her personal use. When I was younger (before nine) I had no memories of my mom, none at all, and she claims that she did everything with me when all I remember is my dad doing stuff with me. Even now, when I go to her house on the weekends she just leaves me home alone while she goes to work. I don't really care but she leaves me stuff to do (understandably) and if I forget to do one of them and shes in a bad mood (normally) I get yelled at.

Well, that's my background, but somehow I can't let it go. My mom is better now, than she was, but when she gets... whoa!! At least she don't hit me, which would be really bad, but she used to.

Stef, I hope that your mom isn't giving you a hard time and know that we are all here for you!!

Much love!

sophie

First off, looney lovegood is my idol! i remember replying to one of your posts, but i'm not sure. I am really sorry i hadn't been here for you or for the other amazing people who come in here. I am really glad your life is getting better. I really really hope this fresh start will be the beginning of an entirely new life. Keep in mind how happy you are now, guard this emotion inside your heart so that when harder times come, you will be able to cope without colapsing. Writing is amazing, i admire you for bein so strong, even though you are so young. I wish you luck sweety!

Stef i am really sorry your mum has been troubling you again. So many things going on in your life! You went back to school? Studying litterature, right? Oh my, this is great! I remember how much you wanted this to happen, although i am sorry you lost your job. But a cute face like you will have no trouble getting a new job soon! I wonder how that play went by the way.
Back to your mum now. I don't know what to say; this woman always finds a way to "impress" me in a bad way of course. How can she treat you so horribly? If she can't stand you, why doesn't she just rent a house for you and let you live your life at last? Oh boy... Maybe you should consider making a living out of your writing skills. Why don't you look for a job similar to your studies?
I really want you to keep me posted Stef, and i hope things will not get worse...

Padfoot, Prongs and Moony i can't watch a movie with my parents either. One, because my mum asks questions when she doesn't understand something and two, because when sex scenes are shown (which happens almost in every kind of movie nowdays), she looks at me as if i was born yesterday. This is annoying. But the truth is that i prefer watching movies on my own when i am at home. When i go out, i like to be with people who know how to make fun out of everything!
I am really sorry you don't have a "regular" loving mum. No one deserves a mum who makes you feel undesirable, and i am sure you are a very nice person. However, i am really glad she doesn't hurt you, at least physically. But sometimes psychological abuse is the worst. Fortunately, your dad seems really nice, so you have someone you can rely on. And you don't have to be around your mum daily, so this makes things easier... I hope everything will be alright with you as well!

A big hug to all of you! And especially to Katie. for joining in!
Alkisti

Okay, well today I was talking to my best friend and I noticed something: I only have 1 friend at school. 1 friend that I had made at the beginning of the year got 'swallowed' by the populars, and my other best friend since forever got 'swallowed' by the populars ever since she became a cheerleader. My best friend just moved out of state but I still talk to him frequently. My other good friends are out of school and I almost never see them except during the summer.

Sorry, just randomness going on in my head...

Talk to you all later!

sophie

I can see we all have problems and I really don`t know what to say

Padfoot,Prongs and Moony
I can see what u mean...people can get so blinded sometimes by the most stupid things. I think we don`t know how to appreciate what we have and I don`t think we care much about things in the end.

I think our worst curse is that we are able to think and to act like animals at the same time.
talk about being random...

Anyway I think some of you are quite lucky being only yelled at. I know this kid that was beaten up by his dad or grandfather (I don`t know exactly) until blood came through his nose. I hear his grandmother yelling about this. And my mother really toled me she didn`t want a child, that I was an accident and that she tryied to avort (is that the word?). She didn`t tell me this during a fight...normal conversation.
Let`s see...aaah! my best friend steals money from me. My mom just realised it this summer and we had a terrible fight `cause I couldn`t believe it but now I know it`s true. I`m not planning to let my friend know that I found about it and I`m gonna keep my money safe. The thing is that she isn`t poor...so I don`t know why she does this.
Hm...every boy I liked (and I mean EVERY) always turned up to be in love with one of my friends. I don`t think I have any friends and I don`t think I have nice memories and I`m obsessed about the fact that I`m annoying
And there really are out there people who I care about very much, people who I cherish deeply and I would do anything for them but the only thing I get from them is their back. I`m just hopeing for a change since I`ll be moving in another city in 2009

Oh thanks everyone for the warm welcome.
To Padfoot, Prongs and Moony I had a slightly similar situation happen to me at school. When I first went to high school there was a big group of six of us from secondary school - all best friends - and then we all just got swallowed into different groups. Luckily I'm sort of in the middle of the social ladder in my school so I'm still on good terms with everyone. but some of them hate eachother now One of the six of us became quite popular, and another one became really academic and they are always talking about eachother and spreading rumors. It's really depressing when I look back on how close we all used to be. Sometimes it's weird how when someone joins a clique they sort of... lose a bit of their personality and just sort of become similar to everyone else in that specific group.

*realizes that she is rambling randomly and is embarassed*

alkisti yea didn't i tell you i was in school? after a long time i'm back that is the only thing that keeps me going on days like these. the play was a hit that was a good day

sophie i'm sorry to say that that happens all the time. friends turn popular and forget about the people they use to hang with. it happened to me so many times but just remember they aren't true friends ture friends are with you in the good and the bad no matter what so just remember that! oh and yeah my mom said soemthing to similar to me the other day. she said she had taken care of me when i was small and how she even neglated my brother and sister to take care of me. pfff that is stupid seeing as i was 6 months old and i was being sumitted into a major surgery! she descided to recriminate it years later pfff i didn't ask her too!

madie sometimes emotional abuse is worse than the physical abuse! well at least in my case it is! wow your mom is nice *looks angry* i hate that parents do that! why tell a child that they were a mistake? well hang in there and you aren't a mistake or an accident! no one is!

katie! i'm glad you're typing again! well you have an advantage by being in the middle of the social ladder! like i said before friends change they become distant and stuff but true friends don't! and don't be embarrassed to ramble on here! it's all good!

so i don't know what's wrong with me right now. i'm all shaky and stuff. i feel cold and feverish! i'm crying like a weak baby and i don't know why! it's stupid of me but i can't help it. i just want to get away from it all! leave and never some back! i'm having a bad day

hey fany_monkey! thx 4 ur words...I`m sorry that u don`t feel very good right now. I don`t know ur story `cause I didn`t have time to read all the posts on this topic but I`m sure u`ll get over it some day. Hang in there, dear

Ok, I'm going to ramble on because I need to let everything out because here is the only place I can, sorry everybody.

I think I'm going to have a breakdown, I'm constantly on the verge of tears even though something quite good has just happened to me. I've got myself into too many things, stupid amounts of A2s (the last year of english school) and retakes and work and trampolining and directing a village pantomine and I can't let anyone down. I can't let it show that I'm not really coping. I can't. I'm the person that everyone relies on, dependable. But, I'm not. I'm completely mental. I cut myself for no apparent reason and I just want to cry. I'm very self-destructive and I don't really care about myself as long as I don't die, I don't want to die because then I would let people down. I don't sleep properly because I don't get tired. I've stopped eating properly, I eat one meal a day and sometimes I have a snack, purely because I don't get hungry and I only eat so my parents don't think I'm anorexic because I'm not, I'm just not hungry. I'm hiding what I'm really like to the whole world, I don't know how long my mask will last though...

im-loveli-rli

im-loveli-rli would you like an opinion?
you know...I think it`s really sweet that so many people depend on you. This thought should make you happy. It is very nice to know that there`s at least one person who needs you. You shouldn`t worry that much.You should just do ur job and concentrate...give ur best! Don`t think about failure. After all, failure is a part of our lives and I don`t think that people would be dissapointed `cause of you. Failure and succes usually depend on the whole team.
I have a good advice for your hunger/insomnia problem. Begin jogging...I know this girl who really changed after 1 year...she`s other person. She`s calm, she`s healthy, she`s always in a good mood. This is a very big change for her since she was bad at school, her parents treated her really bad and other nasty stuff...She`s just lovely now, not to mention she looks great (jogging keeps her fit).
You should try it, run alot until you get so tired that nothing else matters other than food and sleep .It`s fun...you can also listen to funny music and fool around.
Also try talking to your mom/dad. Maby it seems important and easy to talk to your friends but don`t forget that after all, our families are the only true things that last a lifetime.
Kisses 4 u and I hope u`ll feal better!

im-loveli-rli it is good that people depend on you but it can get stressful if they put to much on you, they depend on you too much. For your eating/sleeping, I know how you feel. During the summer I have one meal a day, I stay up till 4 in the morning and wake up at 7. Just remember, don't do anything that you can't. If you can't eat cause your full, then don't. Forcing yourself to sleep is impossible, either your tired or your not. Good luck!!

madie i was having a nervous breakdown hahaha i hadn't had one of those in a while it's like if i was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and i couldn't do anything to get it off! my body couldn't take all the pressure from everything and i just started shaking and crying and urgh it was horrible i hadn't felt like that in months... it happens though wow you are our new advice giver

im-loveli-rli i can say i really do understand you my friend, it's horrible to have everyone depending on you when you think that you are incapable of doing it but i have to say that if they are relying on you is because you can do it! like madie said don't think about failing because you won't and if you do it's not the end of the world! you can try again! that's the wonderful thing about life there are always second chances for everything! you can do it my friend! the eating thing i can tell you that if you don't eat you're going to get sick! been there done that became anorexic. try to eat at least a bit three times a day. like madie said (it's cuz she gave good advice) doing something tiring like jogging is good, i've recently discovered that keeping myself extra busy keeps me from having nervous breakdowns. but i don't mean go over board because that can make things worse. you should ask someone to help you with some of the activites you are taking on. you don't have to do everything alone! it's not a sign of weakness to ask for help it's actually a virture to be able to. the sleeping thing i've always found that a small cup of warm milk helps me dose off after a very long day! just try to remember why people rely on you, try to think of just how special you are and that's why everyone needs you! you are truly special! don't be so hard on yourself! i'm rooting for you and there is no way possible you can disappoint me or let me down!

well i can report that right now i'm not trying to think about anything very complicated about myself because i burst into tears and i'm not going to cry! i'm going to laugh! it's just so sad that you let people into your life because you think they aren't going to leave you or hurt you and you discover that it's not true! it's the contrary! they hurt you because they got so close and you beat yourself up for letting them get close enough to see the real you and you start to question whether they left you because they didn't like the true you. maybe they were disappointed who knows!

so keeping busy so that at night i was pass out on my bed is my solution to not thinking i just listen to others problems and help as best i can but i don't try to help myself because i don't want to cry anymore

take care everyone! tons of hugs to you all!

Oh my, you guys, and i thought that my exams was a big problem. Stupid stupid things.

Where to start from?

madie as someone already said, NOONE is a mistake. Well, i guess except for Hitler, but mistakes happen sometimes. But you are not a mistake. You know, if you were a mistake you wouldn't exist now. Your mam didn't want to have an abortion and this was her choice. It could have been different. But it wasn't. So you are meant to live, and live happily. As for your friend, i had one myself who had started stealing things just because something inside of her told her to. It is not the need, it is some kind of psychological thingy that makes people steal. Try talking to her. You have to help her if she is a real friend. Last but not least, guys are just stupid. I hated it when i was going out with my friends and all lights were on one girl only. Hellooo i am here too! But there will be someone who will look a little deeper...

Stef, don't cry! I know it is a stupid advice! You are alive, you're healthy, you're clever, you're studying what you really like, and above all you have a pretty face and an amazing soul! Soon you'll be able to break free from what holds you back, and you are old enough to no longer need your mum. You can always leave. It is hard, but still...It is a solution!

im-loveli-rli you must have something out of the way. I had that feeling many times in my life and i wonder what kept me whole and sane. But it is not healthy. However, what worries me the most is what you said "I can't die because i can't let them down." You can let THEM down? What about yourself? Gosh it is your life and everything you do should be a way to be happier. Instead of that, you have turned yourself into a marionnette, a puppet who strings are on someone else's hands. For goodness sakes, do something and do it fast! You can't squeeze the best out of you 24/7! Just get rid of all these responsibilities. And if someone doesn't want to understand, it is their problem in the end. Not yours. Only theirs.

Padfoot, Prongs and Moony it sucks doesn't it? I don't know if this is less horrible, but once i had a friend who had just changed schools and i was one of the first people to try and be friends with her. However, she didn't appreciate it that much. She liked the same guy as i did and i found it out randomly, by someone else. That guy had actually written her a love letter or something but she never showed it to me. I wonder why i kept being friends with her. What a... but no, i am not holding a grudge. This guy kept chasing her for ages, but nothing really happened. Well, this was like a stub in the heart. But you just have to let it go and move on. I did, and i was never sad. I always smiled and this is something i am proud of and this is an advice i am giving you. Smile at both good and bad!

If i have forgotten anyone, i am really sorry!
I hope i helped!

alkisti it's not stupid advice! it's good advice! i just can't help it sometimes, specially when i have time off and i have a chance to think... i wish i could leave but i can't until next year when my little brother leaves! it's all good though my mom hasn't been on my case for the last 3 days! even she sees me so sad that i bet she feels i deserve a break! hahaha it's funny that my mom is pleseant when she knows i feel like poop! hey do you remember the certain someone we talked about before? well i have to fill you in on a lot! i hope you get online soon!

i'm just trying to keep myself as busy as possible! less time to think is better for me! i know it sounds weird but it's true! i just realized something that is interesting yesterday in class, it's so weird that a person can be laughing and have a smile on their face but as soon as they're alone they break down and cry, the human mind is so interesting i will never get tired of poneriing about it

alright i'm off i just have one more thing to ramble about, it's a lot easier to face sad and depressing things when you aren't alone, friends really help

fany_monkey, as long as you do something that is okay with you and makes you happy (not thinking about something while doing something else) then that is great!! Sorry, I can't think of any other advice... except, good luck!!

Sorry if that didn't make sense, it's 1:15 am here so my brain is fizzing out. umm, the only problem I have right now is that my friend walked out of my life (sort to speak) and then she tries to get back in it and I just want to ignore her cause she isn't going to stay my friend and I don't want to get my hopes up.

Well, it's late, so good night and a BIG hug to all of you!!

Sophie

Oh, I just feel so bad. I haven't been on VTM for ages and feel so guilty about it. School swamped me and I just disappeared for a while.

Like Alkisti, I don't even know where to start...

Madie: No one is a mistake. I'm still struggling with that myself, and sometimes, it's hard to remember. You are a very special person in your own special way and it doesn't matter who says what, it doesn't change. People change their opinions all the time. I mean, a while ago, it was a federal crime to be homosexual, and in Britain, anyone caught having a relationship with those of the same gender were ruled the death sentence. Now, Canadians are discussing to make same-sex marriages legal (That was a while ago, I don't know whether they're legal now ). So certain views change all the time from person to person, but the fact that you are special doesn't. I say that with my own certianity because I know that God's Word and opinion are always constant, and I trust them.

i'm-lovel- rli: Reading your post was almost like looking into a mirror for me. The feeling of constantly feeling your best and not letting anyone see your weakness is my own special companion --only not so companable. You said that you cut, though you don't know why. I've recently found, as I have since gradually eased myself away from it, that I cut when I'm under pressure. For example, my violin exams or my finals. Perhaps it is the same for you? Funny thing (dark humour-wise, of course) about the mask and it was exactly how a felt: like it was going to crack any time and everyone will go "have you gone out of your mind?" There's not much I can really say other than that I really understand and you just have to hang in there. Try to take it one day at a time. I find that writing helps, though I keep my diary locked and hidden. It's just a way to release my thoughts. I also find having an agenda or day planner helps. That way, I only have to focuse on one day at a time and get the things done to get past that day.

Hmm... madie's post makes me wonder whether excercise really helps. I started to swim weekly recently and feel better on most days. Try it! I swim since I seriously cannot do land sports; I'm a fish through and through.

Hang in there i'm-lovel- rli and keep coming back if you need to talk. Even if I'm not here, someone will be. And you can IM or e-mail me if you need a sholder to cry on, or an ear to listen to you vent. I can check it pretty much everyday.

Hey Stef! I'm sorry I haven't been online. Not on VTM, not on MSN, nothing...and I'm sorry. I've just been buried under about 6 feet of schoolwork. Well...I'm sure it's not that much, but it feels like that. I just can't ease into my Grade 11 work schedule. And I have to stop beta-ing for people ...I got really upset over that one. I had to give up beta-ing Alkisti's Daylight Dancer and now she has to go and find a new beta halfway through her story. And...and...

*sigh* My mum's still not letting me go to fellowship meetings. I don't understand my chemistry. What the hell is electron affinity and electronegativity? Law is *THE MOST BORING* class ever although I think it is definitely the teacher's fault. The idiots at admin messed up my time table so that summer school course that I was supposed to take, but didn't because my course got cancelled, isn't on my time table and I wanted to take World History since Grade 3. So instead I'm stuck in Computer Architectural Design (which I am in right now) checking my e-mails and typing this post.

Wow...my life's really in a mess now that I step back and take a look at it. *smiles sheepishly* I didn't mean to go on like that...it's just...things are really confusing at the moment. Sorry. =^.^=

Hey, Alkisti! Really sorry about you having to find a new beta. As I said, I really didn't want to stop, (just as the story was getting interesting), but it wouldn't be fair to you as I will not have the time to beta and you've been posting without one anyways so....

Marcey, McKenzie and Darcy? Where are you? Wish you'll drop by and stay hello and hope that everything's well with you. Hmm...same goes to James Pickle, although I don't think he comes to VTM anymore, and Poland baby. *sigh* I'm such an oldie. I think I've been here the longest....like from the begining of time.

Hang in there everyone (me included, I hope) and...if anyone who *can* explain electron affinity and electronegativity, please e-mail me. =^.^= Hugs and Kisses all around.

There goes the bell.

~Dianne

Hey Dianne, electron affinity and electronegativity. Electron affinity is the ablity of an electron to atract a possitively charged particle thereby neutrolizing it's charge. And I have no clue about the other, sorry.

Also, I'm sorry to here about you and im-loveli-rli, about you guys hiding behind a mask. Once in a while people put up masks to hide their true feelings, but I'm sorry to here that you guys have to rely on your 'mask' or everyone will be like 'have you gone out of your mind?'. Sorry, that wasn't advice, I don't know what to give except what Dianne said about taking each day as it comes.

Big hug to all of you!!

Sophie

Hi guys!! I`m back...I was gone for a while at an old friend`s. She moved 3 or 4 years ago so I went so see her. It was a bit of an escape
Thx for all your posts I hope all of you are a bit better every day or at least you`re trying (that`s also very important).
My friend`s right here with me but she doesn`t understand a word in English. I`m sorry she has to go back tomorrow `cause we`re starting school AGAIN. Aldough I`m a bit glad `cause school keeps me busy (sometimes too busy...u all know what I mean )

I`m bad at chemestry too!!! I just don`t get it...but no problem! The plan has to have a flaw
OMG I think I`m in a better mood than usually. It must be `cause of the shoes I bought I love shopping...I think I`m addicted and obsessed. Is that bad? lately it keeps me happy and away from other thoughts hmmmmm I guess this is my mask and I try to make it trendy


Kisses to all !!! I`m looking forward to hear how u`re doin`

madie: being bad at chemistry is only natural and shopping isn't that bad if it makes you happy.

I have to get this out and I can't tell my friends and writing things down in my diary doesn't work any more. I know like this may seem quite pathetic - I am quite pathetic to be honest - I can't do anything right, no one seems to like me much (whether it be as friends or as more) and everything just seems to mess up around me =[

I put on a brave face around people and when I'm at school but underneath I have no idea whats going on in my head and I just want to scream and cry most of the time. Sometimes I feel okay, like it'll be better, but then everything just cocks up again! Like towards the end of the summer I kind of just thought 'well screw being all miserable and depressing - I'm going to start being happy and have fun in life'. But as per usual, nothing lasts with me and I'm right back to being sad and mopey, even though things aren't that bad.

I'm really paranoid about everything - my friends, my looks, my weight and I know this seems like just typical teenage angst but its come to the point where I just obsess over everything - Do my friends like me or do they secretly hate me, Why is it that no guys like me at all? Will I be lonely forever? Why can't I seem to lose weight? - It's horrible because no matter how much I tell myself that I'm just being silly, and no matter how much other people tell me the same I can't help but think that I have no real friends and that I'm just going to end up amounting to nothing and being alone in life. Like in drama (this seems like a trivial thing but...) we're talking about groups - and no one seems to want to go with me. Or atleast no one's said anything. But why not, I'm not odd or different - I'm obviously just a stupid mistake that no one wants to be with. I'm sure all of my friends hate me - I hardly ever go out with them any more, and mostly because I just think that they'll hurt me.

There's just so much in my head that I can't decipher how I'm truly feeling. I never sleep anymore - I just can't, and if I do it only ends up being for 1 maybe 2 hours. I feel like if I eat anything I'll blow up or be sick. Eating really disgusts me at the moment - my friends were all eating today and I thought they'd hate me if they saw that I wasn't eating so I ate a chocolate bar - I felt so sick afterwards. I eat like one meal a day because my parents would notice if I wasn't. But I don't want to eat. Not because of my weight - I mean I do think I'm fat but that isn't why I don't eat - I just generally think eating is truly repulsive! I'm a size 8 in clothes (I don't know what American size that is...) but I feel so fat all the time - I can't look in the mirror or get changed without wanting to burst into tears or anything.

I used to cut as well. I was so depressed but I made myself stop - I couldn't let more people see - In one of my GCSE exams the people around me noticed and I just felt so... so vulnerable and I hated it. I can't let any one know that I feel like this. I want still want to cut but I force myself not to, I managed to give it up once and it is taking almost everything I have not to do it again because I don't want to end up where I was before. Plus people will notice and I can't handle that! I can't let people know I feel this way - I just have to put on a brave face and please them all. I'm just scared that I will cut again if things get any worse. But with AS and then A levels and all the work load coming up I don't think I'll be able to cope with everything else with that on top. I sound so amazingly stupid talking like this but I just have to get it out, and I know that people here can (hopefully) understand what this is like!

I just know that I'll never be an actress (mainly because my mum hates me and says I'll never be an actress and I should just give up now! But it's what I love - what I want to do! The only thing that really makes me happy and she's telling me to give it up!), I'll never be as pretty as I wan't to be, or as skinny, no one will truly ever love me, I'll just be lonely for ever.... I hate feeling so depressed as well because most of the time - even with everything I've just said - There's no reason for me to feel as depressed as I do - I shouldn't feel this bad - there're other people in the world who have it so much worse than me. And that also makes me feel bad because I feel so guilty for feeling so depressed and sad when I shouldn't, I feel selfish and horrible because it's wrong! I shouldn't be so self-obsessed! I should be happy not like this! I genuinly repulse myself - I don't want to kill myself or anything but I really do hate being me. I hate myself - I am such a **** (sorry for the language but it is so true!) I hate myself. And everyone I know! I want to cry like all the time and I just want to run away and hide myself from the world.

Sorry for rambling - but there's no one else but you guys that I can turn to for help right now...
x

Pottyhead:
First off, let me give you a big hug. I'm glad that you found yourself to our friendly little thread; we get lost around all the other threads.

You write beautifully; I think that it may be a reward for writing in your diary for as long as you have. Have you thought of expanding out from just diary entries to maybe stories and poetry? They can both be a challenging new way to express your thoughts. Maybe in a story, or fanfiction, you could put your character through what you are feeling now. Poetry is a little different and you can spend a while looking for just the right word to express exactly as you feel at the moment, so the reader can literally see what's happening. I usually do third person poetry and put that person through what I'm feeling, using things the person saw symbolize myself, or by seeing this object make the person feel as I do. Try it; it's challenging and creative not to mention you feel good for a while after it's completed. And it seems to "work".

Many a times, I feel like I'm at the top of the world, then someone says something and I find myself falling into pits of despair. I cry, wipe my tears, then move on. Sometimes, you really have to try sticking by the thought and promise to "be happy." I mean, it doesn't always work, but always get back to it. Don't give up after the first time you "get back to being sad and mopey." Look at those times as a reward for being happy so lately. Then try again.

The funny thing is that the knowledge of "things aren't that bad in your life; others have it worse" never really seems to make anyone feel any better. We have the right to be depressed about our situation in life, whatever it may be, but we also have the right to be happy sometimes.

Now, I've never seen you, nor a picture of you, but I really don't think that you're fat. Are you talking about a size eight in the UK? In both the Canadian and American size, eight is pretty small. I have to watch my eating because I swim 4 days a week, so I can't just bing or my coach will yell, but swimming is also a really good way to work off the "extra bits". You also get a healthy appetite afterward. A little tip though, if you don't want to gain that weight back right away, eat fruits and veggies after you excercise, then heavier stuff an hour or two afterwards.

As for people who you hope are understanding what you say, I do. for one. I think a couple others will too, once they get the opportunity to read your post. It's really weird because you get accustomed to thinking that no one will ever understand how you feel and then someone like me or one of the other girls comes along. I mean, to a point, you're right. Everyone's experience is different and no one will understand completely what you're going through. But circumstances and feelings can be so similar. I, too, keep thinking all my friends hate me. Well, not hate (it's such a strong word), but just don't like me being around or they being around me. I remember this one time, I talked to this friend, who I have known the longest of the group, whether she still wanted to "hang out" with me. She told me "yeah...but only if you want to too." Now, things have changed since then, and whenever I see her laughing and having such a great time with someone else, I wonder why I'm just sitting there not saying anything. Another funny thing is that no matter how many times you tell yourself that you never want to know someone enough to be hurt by them anymore, you go ahead and do it anyways. And then you kick yourself afterwards.

There was a time when I couldn't sleep at night. I started to solve that by working in the day, and excerising, until I'm really tired and I just drop at night. No dreams, no nothing.

I used to cut too, still do occassionaly. In fact, last time was a couple of days ago when I messed up a math test. But mostly, I don't anymore. I think that it may be because I'm really not that depressed anymore. I find myself smiling more and thinking of just ending it less. I mean, there are still times and I don't think I'll ever be completely free from it, but I can live with that. I actually got quite good at chosing where to cut right before I stop. I was swimming once a week for four years and no one ever figured it out.

As for acting, if that is what you love, then *do it*. Sure, your mom said that you'll never be an actor. But if parental disapproval stopped many famous, successful people today, there'll be a whole lot less of them. I know that acting is a hard field to get into, but look at it this way: every person who is discouraged by this and makes an alternate choice is one less person you have to compete against. I say that do what your mom wants for you to do for now, but leave slots on your timetable for drama or the classes you like and think will help with what you really want to do. If your mom wants you to go to university or college afterwards doing a specific field (ie. medical), then do it --but watch for auditions meanwhile. Afterall, the guy that played Victor Krum was a student-turned-actor. Same goes for Hugh Darcy (I think that his name... ) who was Prince Char in Ella Enchanted. I mean, you loose nothing going to school and getting a post-secondary education while you're waiting for your chance --especially if your mom (and family) pays for it. Acting may also not be a job that lasts forever. I mean, there's age and retirement. If the chance never rolled around for you to be a major actress, or if you want to work elsewhere, then you have your post-secondary education all ready for you.

Have faith, have strength, have courage and have love. Together, I am sure we can see each other through this. I've learned the only thing one can really do is wait it out, crying on others' sholder's, venting in others' ears until that time comes. Be patient and come back to talk, at least every once in a while. Try excercise and poetry; I think you'll enjoy them. E-mail me at phoenixtears41@hotmail.com if you want to talk; I can't get onto VTM as much as I like, but I do try to check my e-mail every school day.

With love and hugs,
~Dianne

Oh I hope so...I`ve just heard that we`re keeping our chemistry teacher so I`m not that worried since she likes us and she gives good grades

Hey PottyHead! I`m sorry u`re so sad lately... if it helps I think we are all obsessed about certain things and we fear solitude. Of course we fear to be lonely `cause we are all humans but u can`t know what`s going to happen to your life. That`s the magic of the future and u can`t guess it no matter how much you try. If you start an action feeling powerless you have smaller chances to obtain what u want. I`m not saing confidence is absolutely necesary. I think you should take things as they come, focus on what u have to do and enjoy moments `cause after all life is short. (I know this funny quote: Why do they say that life is short since is the longest damn thing you can do ? )

Any obsession grows each day until we find another one to grow but the scars of ur obsessions will always be there. About your weight...EVERY and I mean EVERY girl finds something she doesn`t like about her. I`m telling you...if u`re a good person nobody makes fun of you or even thinks about your appearance. I have a friend who is very obsessed about loosing weight. Honestly, if she had never said anything about that I would have never seen such a big weight problem in her. My best friend isn`t that pretty but because she`s such a wonderful girl nobody talks bad about her no matter what. And another ,,friend of mine'' is a big liar,a faker,a hater so naturally everyone makes fun about the way she looks aldough she`s not that fat and she has a really pretty face.

And about your friends...r u sure they don`t like you? And even if they don`t..so what??? Friends come and go, they are never really there for you everytime you need them no matter how much they care for u `cause they have their own problems and in the end every living creature is a bit selfish so don`t expect that much. I think we teenagers think really big about friendship and love `cause we`re at the age of dreaming. Just think of your partents. Do they still have friends? Yeah maby they have 3 or 4 families who come to visit you, but are they so crazy about spending time with them and being very close as we hope to be with our friends?
Ever since I realised it was foolish to be so sad about things that go wrong I feel better. And if you`re pathetic when it comes to your problems that means the whole world is `cause u can`t deny that we all panic at any thought related to failure, loneliness, people despiseing us and our appearance

hey all! i've been gone a bit huh? i had a lot of catching up to do

yeah sophie what i'm doing make me happy in a way because it's one step towards a better future! it's so great!

ok Pottyhead when i was reading what you wrote i was thinking "boy this looks like something i might have written". i get how you are feeling because i've felt that before, infact i'm still feeling some of the same things you are! i know the feeling of wondering if you have any real friends and i can garentee that you do! i had the bad habit of pushing everyone away but then i met a guy (friend only ) who helped me realize that what i was doing was wrong, he showed me that he was a true friend and that he had no intention of abandoning me or hurting me. so Pottyhead you have to let your friends so you that because if your busy pushing them all away because you're scared then your worse fear will come true! and the whole guy thing don't even worry about it! guys will come in the future just be patient! about you feeling fat, let me tell you one thing YOU ARE NOT FAT! size 8 is small my dear so don't say that you are fat because you aren't. it's normal to be insecure about your weight because at one point or another all women are but when you start eating just one time a day then it's very worrying! i'm sorry but i'm worried! i know eating my seem gross to you right now but it's completely nesassary! if you don't have a balanced diet you'll be paying the consecuences later... i'm still paying the consecuences and it isn't pretty. i'm pretty sure you are a beautiful girl, there are no ugly girls in the world, it's all in the eye of the beholder. i'm going to give you a bit of advice that might help you face the mirror, because i know the feeling of not being able to look at yourself in the mirror, try this out stand in front of the mirror for at least 2 mins (you could increase the time as you get use to it) look at yourself and say "i am beautiful! i'm stunning not matter what anyone says! i'm ok and i'll just keep getting better" during that time don't let the words "ugly" or "fat" go through your mind just think about your good attributes because you have them! i'm sure of it! about your mom what can i say if i'd have listen to my mom about what i should do with my life i'd be studying business or accounting or law something in her stander of "normal". i'm going to quote one of the movies that have helped me a lot lately it's called the pursuit of happyness" it says "You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it. Period...Don't ever let someone tell you, you can't do something. Not even me" when he says not even me it's because in the movie he was talking to his son so the not even me means your mom. you have a dream, no matter what anyone says you can acomplish that dream if you set you heart on it. sure acting is a risky business but you said it's what you love so the do it! if you don't get to be the big actress you want at least you won't have that what if bugging you. go after your dreams and fight for them! take all the classes you can and go for it! just do it! and kid you are special everyone is! you have to learn to love yourself first and then everyone will love you for who you are. you're eyes will reflect that interal peace you feel and no guy will be able to resist you trust me! and you can come and vent when ever you like my friend we all help each other as best we can!

madie i just wanted to say hi hahahaha how are you?

i haven't read any post from darcy or marcy in a while! i hope you both are ok!

as for me well a very weird thing happened today which made me think i was hearing things but i'm not, my mom said that she felt a bit guilty that she took all of her anger out on me... i was like *gasp* what now? hahahaha but i didn't push the subject it's just that yesterday she had a go at me and well i guess the fact that her perfect baby boy (my older brother) is getting married to a girl she doesn't like is getting to her. i think she's finally learning that i'm not going to be around much longer and she'll have to clean and cook for herself and i guess she just wants to make sure i stay longer but no way man! next year i'm out of there! way to many years of suffering for me to even consider staying longer!

ermm i think that's pretty much all that's happened i'm still staying busy even when i'm online hahahahaha i haven't had time to cry today i cried yesterday but that was because of my mom i've been doing good busy busy busy hahahahaha i've been so good infact that i called my teacher stupid he deserved it!

so i hope you're all ok! take care and big hugs to you all!

stef

i swear i am not suicidal from the quotes in my signature. but does neone else feel as if they will never b happy again. i lost my bff in a fight tht started out from sumthing stupid! idk wat to do cuz she is getting all mad at me. i just wish sumtimes tht there was a way for me to get away from here

Radcliffegirl07 I've felt like that before but, it does get better! Falling out with people is hard but either you both sort things out or you'll make new friends who wont hold a grudge over "something stupid". But, to keep you going you have to find something you enjoy doing, spend time with other friends or your family. If you really want to sort out your argument then try apologising, if you can't in person then write a letter or an email and if they ignore it, to be brutally honest then they're not worth being friends with, if you've been the person to apologise and they can't accept it then you are the better person - you'll just have to wait for them to realise that, you don't want them to walk all over you.
When I felt like I'd never be happy again I dealt with it the wrong way but, I think the best way, as so many people have said before, is find something you can enjoy.
Don't feel like you have to do what I say, it's only advice.


im-loveli-rli

Radcliffegirl07: Ignore them. Or admit to their side. Or just avoid them if none of these are possible.

Wow. So I have just had a horrible night and I don't know who to talk to... So I'm going to just vent my frustrations on this thread.

Ever since I started high school 2 years ago it seems like the only thing that matters to my friends is having boyfriends. For me - true I do go on dates sometimes - but I've never really placed too much importance on it. At this stage in my life I would just much prefer to have some really close guy friends and leave the serious dating and drama for later in life. But in the past few months all of my friends have gotten boyfriends and it's like their relationships consume their entire lives! I never get to see them anymore because they're all out with their fellas. So yesterday we were planning a girls night in and then when I arrived they had invited over their boyfriends and had brought along a random guy as if to set me up with him! I was a little frustrated but I stuck it out. It was just awkward though because all of the couples were getting really snuggly while we were just sitting there (and I didn't even ask to be set up with someone! I thought it was going to be just us girls with some ice cream and chick flicks!) I don't want to whine about not having a boyfriend but gosh it's getting a bit frustrating. My friends don't mean any harm but they're making me feel as if the fact that I don't ahve a boyfriend makes me boring and unattractive. Does anyone else every feel like their is this pressure being put on them to act a certain way - whether it be get a boyfriend or whatever? Because pretty soon I think I'm going to crack.

OK, you're not much older than me and I have felt a bit like that sometimes but, I think what you have to do is tell your friends how you're feeling. I know it sounds a bit pathetic but, it works, when one of my friends spent all her time with her boyfriend and no time with me I told her and noe she makes time for both. It's hard but, worth it. And as for getting a boyfriend yourself - don't worry about it, they're more trouble than they're worth, you're not boring or unattractive, you're just not looking for a relationship and if you're not looking you wont see the signs. Does that make sense?

im-loveli-rli

Hi Katie! I understand how you feel. They acted really really stupid...it was lame! That kind of acting would have gotten me really mad. I hate when girls loose their head for some stupid snugging. I think boys are not worth the drama at least not yet.

Wow Katie. since none of my friends are dating or anything I truly can't relate to what your going through, but I know what you mean. Friends can get really frustrating, escepically when they set you up like that. I don't know what advice to give except maybe try to talk to your friends about whats bugging you, maybe they will try and hang out with you more or something. Good luck!!



I started to laugh so hard when I read that!! Gezz, had to get that out

Okay, I have this problem... I like to hurt myself. I go into the gultch and almost plan to get hurt, and like it. It's weird, it's wrong, I know. I told my friend and she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day. She is talking to me now, but I think it is because she forgot, since I told her in my last class on Friday... But if I don't have scratches and brusies all over I am a little disappointed. I don't hurt myself, but I do stuff that I know will hurt me, is that the same thing?

I don't know what's wrong with me! it's not like I'm depressed, it's just that I have... problems...

Oh well, talk to you all later!

Sophie

Hi Sophie! I`m glad u enjoyed the joke I like it too...
I`m sorry to hear about your hurting problems. I`m currently reading a book about problems in one`s life. It`s about stress, saddnes and other things but it doesn`t say anything about people who enjoy pain. I`m srry I don`t have an advice for your situation. I`m very scared of pain (I hate shaveing my legs `cause it hurtsssss and I hate being sick and other hurtful things). It`s something in my family. We are generally SCARED bout doctors. My mom has a cousin who was so scared to go to the dentist that he pulled out himself a tooth that was hurting him
I guess talking to your friend didn`t help much. I think maby she was scared at the thought that u do stuff to hurt yourself or...maby she does the same thing but she won`t admit it. Either this, or she just did`t know what to say to help you.
You should try to focus on resolving your problems and maby that way you`ll forget about the hurting part. good luck dear!

hey all, i decided that today on my free day i'd spend it here on vtm hahahaha it's been a while since i last had some time off which means today i feel a bit gloomy because i have time to think so i'll concentrate on you all

Radcliffegirl07 there is a way to get away from it all and i learned it when i was 4... it's called reading! i can truly say that you can go anywhere and see anyone when you read! it's my own way of getting away from life so my advice is read the thing with your friend will blow over if she's a true friend. i had several arguments with my best friend when i was growing up. it was over the lamest things but we grew up together and our friendship was stronger than all the stupid things we fought over. cheer up

im-loveli-rli i just wanted to say hi and what you said to katie makes perfect sense

Katie. don't feel bad katie things get worse as you grow up... i'm kidding but there is truth in what i said, dating and guys get more complicated with time and i agree 200% with you you should enjoy the time you have! i went through a time where all of my friends had girlfriends/boyfriends and i think you should take it as a sign of affection that they tried to set you up. they feel so happy right now that they want to see you just as happy. i agree with im-loveli-rli talk to them. let them know that just because they have boyfriends and are happy doesn't mean that you want the same thing. you just do what makes you happy and no one else! i learned one thing with a situation *cough cough* i had . i was the friend with the "boyfriend" and i did sort of forgot a bit about my best friend but i realized once the "boyfriend" was gone that true friends are forever. cheer up! if the frustration gets to be too much ermm let's see think of something that makes you laugh and as for your question i feel that every time there is a stupid family reunion. *makes crazy aunt voice* "wow stef you still don't have a boyfriend? look at your cousin *random name* she's going to get married next year and she's younger than you!" it's the same thing. i feel the pressure from my mom also but i just ignore it because it's not their life it's mine! pfff *hugs* take care of yourself katie!

madie guys aren't ever worth the drama! if a guy makes you cry he defiantly isn't worth it! that was random but yea... a friend (he's actually a guy) told me this, he said "guys aren't into drama, we are unicellular beings. our thought process is very simple unlike girls. we hardly think about something to much because it make our head hurt" my friend is very amusing!

sophie i didn't know you had that problem. well i speaking y shrink terms (not that i'm a shrink but i know a lot of them ) i think you might like to hurt yourself because you feel that's something you have control over. even is you don't do the hurting you intentionally put yourself in situations to feel that control. i know what it's like and it's not the way to go about it. if you want to do something that will make you feel in control and help you get the adrenaline you need try hockey! oh man oh man hockey is the best thing for that! it's a rush try it! you'll like it! and about your friend if she really didn't care about what you told her well, i don't know what kind of friend she is. i'm not saying she's a bad friend but good friends try to help ya no matter what! but anyhow you know her i don't so just try to get in control in another way because bruises are horrible, i should know.

i wonder where oh where could dianne be? well hugs to her and alkisti, darcy, marcy and anyone else who happens to read this

i'm off to write a chapter for both my fics


Stef

Sophie; I agree with what Stef says about the reason why you hurt yourself because that's what I was like but, your friend, in my opinion, was just a bit scared and she wont have forgotton she's just got over the shock. For you to have told her I'm assuming she's a close friend and in that case, when you told her she was scared of what you've done and might do and also she's probably wondering why she didn't notice. She cares she probably doesn't know how to show it without making you feel patronised. I hope that makes sense.

Stef; just wanted to say hi back *waves*

*hugs* to everyone

im-loveli-rli

I'm really confused about the way I feel.

Like what I said before always holds true. I always feel that way. But some days I can ignore it and just put it all in a little corner and leave it there. But most days its plaguing me - constanty nagging at me and pulling me down to the point where I don't care where I am or who sees me I just want to curl up into a ball and burst out crying.

It makes me feel really pathetic because I look at everyone else and they're all really happy. All they ever seem to worry about (and I know it might not be all they worry about - they might be burying some horrible feelings too) is really simple, trivial things that are the least of my problems at my moment. I look at them and think 'why can't I be more like that? Why do I have to be such a pathetic idiot?'

(I don't know if i said this before so sorry if I'm repeating myself) In my drama class we're choosing groups and absolutley no one seems to want to go with me. It just makes me feel so worthless and stupid and I just can't handle this. If I even so much as look miserable or reflect how I'm actually feeling people just think 'Oh here she goes again - stupid emo girl' and that's even worse! I can't do anything right. And I have to put on a happy face and forget all about me just so that I can please other people.

I'm trying to eat a bit more as well now. But I really don't want to. It also doesn't help when people who are supposed to be my best friends look at me amazed and shout out for everyone to hear 'Oh my god she's actually eating!!' That alone just makes me want to chuck away whatever I'm eating and throw it all up because I just feel fat. And no one can seem to get it through their thick skulls that even if they think I'm thin and pretty - I don't care because no matter how much I tell myself that I look okay, I don't believe. I feel fat and ugly and horrible all the time. It's like 'hello if I really was as pretty and thin as you make out that I am, wouldn't guys actually like me?' But I'm not pretty enough or thin enough - and I have to pretend that I'm okay and that I think I am and that I'm fine - but I'm not and it really gets to me. I go home and just cry - but I can't tell anyone because they'll either say I'm being pathetic and attention seeking (when I atually hate attention), make a huge fuss, or spend the rest of their lives checking my wrists and what I eat!

I just can't handle it - I want to scream and cry and run away to a place where I'll be safe and no one will hurt me ever again. I used to write poems or novels or draw when I was upset and that would help - But nothing works any more. I feel like there's so much more that could be wrong with me and that it's probably nothing and I'm being stupid and pathetic. But a huge part of me just wants to cry and scream because I feel like nothing will ever be okay again and that I'm just a huge freakin' mess!

To be honest - even though I know part of what is making me sad - I still don't know why i feel as sad as I do. I wouldn't depressed but... well, nearly? Its a horrible feeling and I don't like it. Why do I feel so crappy? Why do I always have to be such a mess?

I also feel really bad about the way I handle things. I go on and on about feeling fat - and I don't even think about others. My friend just said to me online literally a minute ago 'would you kill yourself if you were a size 10 (UK)?' I asked why and she said 'Because I'm a size 12'. I mean how bloody stupid can I get? Why don't I stop to think about this stuff?!

It's because I'm stupid and pathetic and so obsorbed in my own problems that I can't even see that I might be hurting other peoples feelings.

I really do hate myself. I'm a complete mess and an utter **** (sorry for swearing mods... *gives mods ice cream to say sorry*... But that is what I am...)

x

Thanks for all the support!

We are fine now and [have] hopefully worked out was was the cause. It seems [that] [when] we go [through] fights, as soon as there over we get stronger. and i hope [that] our [next] fight is way in the future rather [then] in a few days!!!

I [would really] like to thanks [you] guys for all the advice [you] gave me. I hate [when you]
feel so hopeless and all, but as soon as me and my [best friend] were fine, it was the greatest [feeling] in the world!!! again [thanks] and if [any] of [you] need help, i'm here. and ya.



Katie, i [know lots of my friends are desperate to have a guy, so i'm not in [your] position, but [maybe] if [you] tell [them that] it makes [you] feel a little frusterated [when] they put [you] in thoses situations. if they are good friends, they will do all they can to try to make [you] feel better. [You aren't] unattractive, [maybe] there is a possiblity [that] they are trying to make [you] feel [more] like [them], by trying to get [you] a [boy], but just tell [them what] is on [your] mind, and they [should] understand. also, just [know], [that] boyfriends [come] and go, but friendship is forever! most times!




PottyHead

Everyone is different but it is in a specail way. I [know that] sooo many people judge on looks, its prejudice, but [that] is [what] our world is. [What you] need to [know] is [that] there are actually [people that really] care for [you]. if [your] friend make fun of [you], they may not [know that] they [are] hurting [you], but they think they [are] just kidding. [Maybe] let [them know what really] on [your] mind, and hopefully they will pay attention [to what you] have [to] say. I [know that] looks is [something] most [people] worry about, i do all the time, but i [know that] in the end, it's not gonna matter how pretty i am,or how thin i am, but in the end, how much [people] like me for my personality. No one wants to marry [someone] who is hott, but a complete [deleted]. [please] excuse my language. I [would] so much rather have a person, who [maybe] self concious, but has an amazing personality. I [know that] being depressed can [sometimes] feel never ending, but [you] need [to know that] there is happiness [somewhere] and [you] just need [to] find it. if [that] means findiing the best friend, [that']s great. [sometimes] venting is one thing [that] makes [you] feel good, but hurting [yourself] by not eating, doesn't do much good. [that] just makes [you] hurt [yourself more] even [though you] may not realize it.

i [know] of [someone] who hates how she looks and wants to [be someone] else, but i tell her [what to] me is the truth. [that] she is beautiful and very amazing [to be] around. i [have] showed [pictures] of her [to some] of my guy friends and they now have a crush on her. There is [someone] crushing on [you] even [though] it may not be noticeable. [someone] is gonna [be] the one for [you], [you] just need to wait, [because] life is a long journey and it doesn't end if [someone] doesnt like [you because] there are many otheres out there [that] may [be] the right one for [you].

[you] don't have [to] listen to me, but everyone here on the website can say [that] they will take [your] hand [through] the hard times. i am here for [you].

Radcliffegirl07

Sorry about all the netspeak, and it won't happen again. This was before I got warned the first time.


Mod Edit: Oh my there is so much netspeak in here! It doesn't take forever to type a few extra letters. I have edited your post to resemble something readable. Take a look at all the words in brackets. Those are every word that I have corrected. Please do not continue to be lazy, we don't tolerate netspeak on this site.

- PottyHead -

I can't honestly relate to you by how you think your fat (which, if I knew you, I would say that you aren't). But being too skinny is worse, at least at my school. I am not anorexic, but when a nun (I go to catholic school) came to talk to my religion class about respect, we got into the topic of harming yourself. The guy next to me points at me and says 'Sophia, she doesn't eat.' Well, I do eat, if anything I don't eat enough for I am always hungry. Being conscious of your weight is fine, but don't do anything extreme, it doesn't have possitive results. Sorry if that really didn't help.

- Radcliffegirl07 -

I am ssoo glad to hear that you worked things out with your friend!!

And thanks guys for the advice, but since our school (or anywhere where I live) doesn't have hockey, I am going to try out for soccer.

I have found out that that I have liked to on pupose/on accident hurt myself since I was very little. In grade school when we would play soccer and someone was hitting a corner kick, I would place myself right in front of them and have them beam the ball at me. I have always gotten hurt and liked it, my whole life, I am just now realizing it.

Oh well. Good night, or day, whenever you are reading this.

Later,
Sophie

i'm sorry i've just been so sad today i don't have anything good to say i feel horrible
i've been sick all day and no one seems to care! there are days where i think that maybe if i dissappear no one would even notice. i think my family would be like where is the girl who cleaned the house? the one who would wake up early to make us french toast which everyone ate but no one thanked.
i think no one but a counted few would miss me. i just want to lay down and fade away. i've been crying all day and not a single person noticed. i'm in pain both physcally and emotionally i want someone to see that i'm a mess. i took several pills today and i just slept and slept. mom yelled at me for sleeping
i wanna know what's wrong with me, why haven't i been able to be ok? why do people hurt me? why am i the person who everyone ignores? i'm invisible!
sorry i know none of this makes sense but i need to get it out or i'll do something stupid

fany_monkey,

I'm pretty sure a lot of people would notice if you weren't around. And people do care about you. Never say that no one cares about you, I found that out the hard way. I thought that absolutley everyone hated me so I just locked myself away and ignored them all because I didn't want to get hurt anymore. But by doing that I just made the few people who did care about me hate me. I made my worst fears come true by being so paranoid.
Basically the moral of that story - Don't say no one cares because you'll only hurt the people that do. And you're not invisible, I'm sure.

as for me. Well I'm better today. A bit...
I spent almost all of last night just crying my eyes out. Crying helps me. But I can't help but just feel like no matter what I try and do, nothing will seem to get any better.
I don't really want to go into it right now because I don't want to get upset again...
Thanks for all the advice though.
x

[b][color=#FF0000]Hi,
I came here depressed and considering suicide.I am still here,and I am amazed at how happy I am.I am not going to lie to you,I have not been that happy at some points.I have been going to church again,and I found Jesus again.I got baptised again,and I know this life of pain and misery is not for me,not for any of us.
Ever since I learned that,many things have opened up.I am on the pep squad at my school,and I have soo many friends now.I like this guy,and it looks like he does too.A member of the family is getting married,and I am happy,cause I like him.My friends,I am a recovery story in the making.I still have a little bit to go,then the death and pai will be gone.
Not Depressed,In pain,Or misery

- fany_monkey -

Of course you are not invisible!! Sometimes I get just like how you are, sick, crying, and no one pays attention, no one asks whats wrong. People do care about you!! What do you think we are here for, we all care about you! You aren't invisible to us, even if you think that no one cares, someone does.

- PottyHead -

I think that crying helps a lot of people, my friend and I both find that it helps. I would just try to do a whole bunch of things and see which one works for you, sorry, lame advice.

- snaperules -

That's great that you are better then when you first started coming here! It is real good that you have found something that makes you happy.

Aww....Stef. I'm so sorry. I hope you're feeling better now.

Maybe only a counted few would miss you, me among them, but the amount they would miss would easily make it up, with plenty more to spare. Come on Stef...you said it yourself: you're almost there. Just a couple more months and you'll be out of there forever.

Just because no one can see you doesn't mean you're invisible. As it happens, it is those that do not "see" you that care about you most. (ie. me and pottyhead and snaperules and alkisti and a whole lot of others that hang around here ) And as there have been three posts since you posted on Saturday, I'll say that you're not "ignored" either. Come on. Stay strong, girl. You're almost there; don't give up yet!

Everyone has the right to their opinion; a true friend would understand, and respect, your view --especially if it's over something as "stupid" as you say. If that's not the case, than sooner or later, what happened would have happened. Or just kinda drift away. It's unavoidable. I'm sorry, Radcliffegirl07, for this having happened to you.

It was my former best friend and her group of friends' fascination with playing around boys and going out with the boys that first got us fighting, and me depressed. A couple of my friends date on and off now, but I'm pretty much a social recluse around my high school. I decided to put my focuse on schoolwork rather than social. It's not like I don't get along with people, I do, but I just don't really get close so that we can feel comfortable to "hang out" outside of school, or sometimes outside of class, when it's not school related (ie. doing a project).

I'm not sure, Sophie, whether it's the same thing. I know that I used to do that, but just decided it wasn't worth the trouble of planning; so I just cut. The thing is I still had to, and have to, plan. Swimming four days a week will be a problem if I don't. I mean, imagine the questions if you chronically have scars. There's only so much accidents that can happen to yourself!

"Where oh where can dianne be?" Off to attempt suicide and back again. Things been pretty bad at home and I've been spending fifth period talking to a teacher that cares and always there to listen. She was my grade 9 PE teacher and saw when I was depressed, and asked after me. Anyways, I've been talking to her during fifth, which is my architectural design period, where I get assess to the computer. So I haven't been able to get online.

Love and hugs and kisses to all. Stay strong and God be with you! (me included)
~Dianne

Edit:
HAHAHA...I just noticed that either I disappear for a couple of pages, or I type this one big long post that takes up most of the page.... I'm truly weird.

Hi guys! I can see u were sad the last few days I wasn`t around. I just wanna say hi `cause I`m gonna be away for a while (I think). I hope u`ll find a way to stay calm and be happy.
Hope 2 see u allz again in a few days\
PS I wanna confess smth but not now I`m in a bit of hurry. kisses to you darlings

Hmm, I'm wearing a mood ring right now, and it is almost black. (not that it means anything. I think I'm just tired.)

I haven't done anything violent in a while. Except for today, but it wasn't my fault. We were playing dodge ball and a guy beamed me in the leg. Oh well, nothin' much.

I found out a lot today. One: guys are sexist, or most of them. Two: a girl in my class is racists, against whites (which is what I am). I think that PE should be our only class for the whole day, I love it!

Sorry, just rambling.

Sophie

Moderator Note

Do not think that you can post using netspeak in here and we won't care. This area must abide by the same Rules in place all over the forums. Please do not make me waste my time by editing your posts. Not everyone who comes here and reads our topics uses English as a first language. So think about them when your typing because if they can't understand what you are saying that will hamper their enjoyment of this site. Do you want that happening to you? Of course not, so be considerate and follow the Rules.

~Triad.

The last few days have been really bad for me.

I cut again last night... I haven't cut for months. I was doing so well and I've gone and ruined everything!

I'm sure everyone hates me. I always catch people looking over at me and I'm sure they're talking bad about me. I know it sounds ridiculous and obviously not everyone can hate me and stuff. And its true there is like one person who doesn't completley hate me. But that's one person. What is the point to all of this if I'm just going to be miserable and go through life a complete failure with no friends?!

There's just so much stuff going on right now. I can't be bothered and I don't want to bother any more... there is just no point! I spent 3 hours last night crying my eyes out. I went to school this morning completley ill and dying, totally upset and no one could give a [deleted]! What is the point if no one cares? That's all I want is one person to come up to me and ask me what's going on instead of going on and on about their own problems. I know it sounds selfish - and it is - but just for once in my life I don't want to be the person that people tell their problems to and then can't be bothered with me. I want to be the person who people care about and support. But obviously no one does! I don't get it anymore. I don't get any of it. I hate this - all of it - everything. I hate being me right now...

x

thanks guys for your kind words! i was having a terrible day! not that today is any better but well i'm feeling braver and i can say tha i can pretend to be happy.

alright well dianne i'm glad you have someone to talk to! someone who sees what's wrong and asks! i had a person like that but seeing as she's a former friend's mom i can't really go and talk to her so i talk to my dog instead ! so don't dissappear for to long dianne because i start missing you a lot! and i'm glad to know that you'd notice if i drop off the face of the earth

alright kelly i feel horrible for not being able to talk to you when i saw you online today! man oh man i really wanted to but seeing as i was being cinderella it was sort of hard to. but i care about you! i know it doesn't seem like much to have this crazy depressed girl care about you but well i do! i care about what's wrong! and i know what it's like to feel horrible and know one notice (hence my last post) so i care! you said why bother with everything right? remember what we were talking about the other day? well you bother with all of that because it's what gives you hope for the future! i know life most of the time sometimes sucks but you have to live! things will get better someday! just think about that someday when you feel like giving up! don't give up get kiddo because you're a wonderful person! you're going to do great things! *hugs* i'm only a pm away!

well madie i hope you come back soon! we'll miss you!

sophie! you can't really play sports without getting hurt! that's the greatness of sports! that is why i loved hockey! but i just hope things don't end up like they ended for me! i can't skate as well as i use to because i had a horrible injury when i played hockey so please please be careful soph! and mood rings have a logical explication i think it has to do with body heat! i can't remember but something like that *hugs* it's good to hear from you!

well i've spent the last few days crying (weak i know) and well i just couldn't take it anymore so i punched a poll and well now my hand is a bit swollen and i kicked a wall so my foot hurts to but i do feel better after that! my life just isn't very fair at times... but whatever not much i can do except cry when no one sees me

hope you're all better than me
hugs to who ever reads!

-stef